Honoring Parents?

messianist

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How do you honor and love a parent who doesn't love you, honor you, respect you, or even treat you like a human being? How do you do things in love and respect them as your parent, and yet also not let yourself get bullied?
I genuinely don't know how to biblically handle this because I've coped all my life by just getting extremely angry with him internally and never saying anything (but imagining all the things I'd love to shout at him...) and now I'm getting to a point where, at any second, I feel I'm going to come unglued and unleash 20+ years of frustration and anger.

No I cannot move out right now, that's not an option and I'm asking that you please don't suggest it because it really truly is NOT an option for me right now. I need to find a way to handle this while being in the house. Thank you all.
I can sympathise with you on this one, and I don't live with mine.
 
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Broken Fence

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Be a blessing to him like your Father in heaven gives rain to the just and unjust. Lord we want lift up Megan Nicole to you. Lord please let Your love consume her, give her patience and understanding. Help her to show your love to him. We ask this in Jesus's name amen
What does it mean to honor my father and mother? | GotQuestions.org
 
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A_Thinker

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How do you honor and love a parent who doesn't love you, honor you, respect you, or even treat you like a human being? How do you do things in love and respect them as your parent, and yet also not let yourself get bullied?
I genuinely don't know how to biblically handle this because I've coped all my life by just getting extremely angry with him internally and never saying anything (but imagining all the things I'd love to shout at him...) and now I'm getting to a point where, at any second, I feel I'm going to come unglued and unleash 20+ years of frustration and anger.

No I cannot move out right now, that's not an option and I'm asking that you please don't suggest it because it really truly is NOT an option for me right now. I need to find a way to handle this while being in the house. Thank you all.
Pray for God's help and guidance in the situation ... and for a way to get out on your own.

We had the opposite situation in our home ... an adult child who caused trouble inside the home and out of it. We continued to pray that God would resolve this issue for us ... and, after some time, God began to work a miracle in his heart. We now get along pretty well.

We'll be praying for you for God to touch your situation similarly ...
 
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Elykae

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As someone who is currently going through their own issues with their family, please know that I am here to talk if you ever need someone.
Know that you are loved and valued. I will keep you in my prayers.
 
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Job3315

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How do you honor and love a parent who doesn't love you, honor you, respect you, or even treat you like a human being? How do you do things in love and respect them as your parent, and yet also not let yourself get bullied?
I genuinely don't know how to biblically handle this because I've coped all my life by just getting extremely angry with him internally and never saying anything (but imagining all the things I'd love to shout at him...) and now I'm getting to a point where, at any second, I feel I'm going to come unglued and unleash 20+ years of frustration and anger.

No I cannot move out right now, that's not an option and I'm asking that you please don't suggest it because it really truly is NOT an option for me right now. I need to find a way to handle this while being in the house. Thank you all.

Well, you will have to do a lot of self reflection. You see, something I learned a long time ago is that I can't control anyone, I can only control myself. God says He no longer judges a person because of what their parents did, so I realized, at some point of my journey, that I was my own person and I needed to pick myself up, even if it meant having opposition. Then one day, I felt the Lord say, "You know, you can honor your parents without having to agree with them." I never saw it that way. I always thought honoring and respecting them meant to agree with their beliefs and ways of life. So I learned to say "no", "I don't want to be part of this" and "I respect your opinion, but I don't agree with you".

I asked God to help me. I am in your position, I can't move on my own right now, but I knew I could be independent and be my own person living with my parents, prisoners do it all the time. A person can be free within a prison (around restrictions) because freedom comes from within. I started working on my life, on my soul, spirit and body, and I prayed, a lot, to forgive and to heal but also for their transformation. I soaked myself in the truth of what God says I am, and believed Him. His truth became my shield. God became my Father.

Remember that offenses are not given, but taken. If you know the truth and the love of God, then you'll realize that if someone hurts you, like purposely attacks you verbally or even physically, it means they don't know Jesus. So that's when you pray, not because they will end up in hell, but because they don't know the love of God, but to pray for someone to receive love (Jesus) you must become love yourself.

Hurt people, hurt people and free people, free people.You can't give what you don't have. That's why I said you'll need to do a lot of self reflection. It takes time, but its possible.
 
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OldWiseGuy

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As a child you live within the boundaries set by your parents. If a parent treats you badly...that's your relationship with him or her until you move out. Don't fight it or try to change it. Accept it, work around it, while you are under their roof. Parents always set the terms of their relationship with their children. It's a fact of life.
 
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Monksailor

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Right now you would be surprised how much like your father you probably are. But I wager that right now you are horribly repulsed to even consider that and whole-heartedly deny it. Normal. Opposites attract and likes repel in many cases. It is extremely stressful and difficult to become your own individual when there is one already in your midst just like you, which is actually the other way around, but one newly aspiring to their own individuality "must" preclude the idea that they are emulating another. Hence, much of the stress of adolescence.

There ARE many other things which could be manifested here but adolescent characteristics first come to my mind, not to place fault on you or the other at all. But this a stage in human development which necessitates a certain amount of rebellion and NOT necessarily occurring at psychology text book age categories any more. Believe me, your father is probably stressing just as much, if not more, than you through all of this.

Please, I beg of you, be mindful of the fact that today we are in a society in the USA (and many other countries) where it is erroneously believed that loving one's children is measured in how many toys/PCs/game boxes/cars/dresses/jewelry/etc. and "helps" and allowances and excuses and substitutionary sacrifices a parent makes for their children. According to God's Word that is not love. Actually, those kind of things are called ENABLING and prevents and/or cripples a child from growing up and creates dysfunctional relationships in the family. Such parental behavior, in my opinion, is hateful, not loving, as it sets their child up for all kinds of frustration, disillusionment, depression, and so much more, including failure after failure. The alternative is EMPOWERING parental or other relationships. Many see this type as cruel, mean, and destructive because they do not understand and are so much into thinking that loving is making it easy on your children. If interested further info can be found:
 
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Do all you can to guard your heart. You are not alone in your suffering. There are some of us who know what you are going through. Keep on doing the right thing even when other people don't. You have to realize that when someone provokes you, especially a parent, they are exacerbating the situation. Meaning, they are only making things worse. It says in the Bible, those that avoid a quarrel are honorable. So by avoiding them and letting them be wrong, you ARE being honorable.
 
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Megan Nicole

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Right now you would be surprised how much like your father you probably are. But I wager that right now you are horribly repulsed to even consider that and whole-heartedly deny it. Normal. Opposites attract and likes repel in many cases. It is extremely stressful and difficult to become your own individual when there is one already in your midst just like you, which is actually the other way around, but one newly aspiring to their own individuality "must" preclude the idea that they are emulating another. Hence, much of the stress of adolescence.

There ARE many other things which could be manifested here but adolescent characteristics first come to my mind, not to place fault on you or the other at all. But this a stage in human development which necessitates a certain amount of rebellion and NOT necessarily occurring at psychology text book age categories any more. Believe me, your father is probably stressing just as much, if not more, than you through all of this.

Please, I beg of you, be mindful of the fact that today we are in a society in the USA (and many other countries) where it is erroneously believed that loving one's children is measured in how many toys/PCs/game boxes/cars/dresses/jewelry/etc. and "helps" and allowances and excuses and substitutionary sacrifices a parent makes for their children. According to God's Word that is not love. Actually, those kind of things are called ENABLING and prevents and/or cripples a child from growing up and creates dysfunctional relationships in the family. Such parental behavior, in my opinion, is hateful, not loving, as it sets their child up for all kinds of frustration, disillusionment, depression, and so much more, including failure after failure. The alternative is EMPOWERING parental or other relationships. Many see this type as cruel, mean, and destructive because they do not understand and are so much into thinking that loving is making it easy on your children. If interested further info can be found:

Thank you for your response! For the record, I am in my early twenties and am no longer going through my "teenage angst" phase. So I'm past the era of rebellion and anger. But in my teenage years, my dad switched from being generally unpleasant to downright emotionally abusive. Now, I know many people like the throw those words around so they mean very little, but I can assure you that he fits the bill. Belittling, manipulating, gaslighting, as well as a host of narcissistic behaviors. He also isn't a believer, though he would tell you he is. It's not a simple case of us misunderstanding the other, he genuinely treats me poorly and has never made any effort to have a relationship with me, nor does he want to. It's the same for everyone in his life.

As for me being more like my father than I think, I'm well aware of the areas where I'm disposed to be like him. The mental illness that he allows to run his life is one that has been passed down through my family and I was (un)lucky enough to be the one to get it. However, by His infinite goodness and love, God healed me and gave me a new mind, and I no longer suffer as I used to or as my father does.
 
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Pavel Mosko

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How do you honor and love a parent who doesn't love you, honor you, respect you, or even treat you like a human being? How do you do things in love and respect them as your parent, and yet also not let yourself get bullied?
I genuinely don't know how to biblically handle this because I've coped all my life by just getting extremely angry with him internally and never saying anything (but imagining all the things I'd love to shout at him...) and now I'm getting to a point where, at any second, I feel I'm going to come unglued and unleash 20+ years of frustration and anger.

No I cannot move out right now, that's not an option and I'm asking that you please don't suggest it because it really truly is NOT an option for me right now. I need to find a way to handle this while being in the house. Thank you all.

I think this sermon can help you. It's on forgiveness and the mistaken notion that true Christian forgiveness equals "forgetting" abusive treatment and other kinds of wounds from the past.




My answer to the OP is simply "to do your best". I would not try to sweep any kind of abuse or neglect etc. under the carpet, but hopefully there are a few things your parent has done right and maybe for those things be thankful. The fact that you are able to live with her or him for example is one plus.


I'm actually rewatching the video which is something I typically do when I recommend a video online. If you are actually having anger issues towards your parent this might actually be a good thing; because it can potentially lead to his or her repentance.


But that being said, I've run a cross a number of people in recent years in dysfunctional relationships, like abuse from narcissistic personalities etc. And well if that is you then, were back to "do your best" for the time being, pray for grace etc. And there are some psychological techniques you can learn to manage the relationship so it is bearable.
 
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Junia

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How do you honor and love a parent who doesn't love you, honor you, respect you, or even treat you like a human being? How do you do things in love and respect them as your parent, and yet also not let yourself get bullied?
I genuinely don't know how to biblically handle this because I've coped all my life by just getting extremely angry with him internally and never saying anything (but imagining all the things I'd love to shout at him...) and now I'm getting to a point where, at any second, I feel I'm going to come unglued and unleash 20+ years of frustration and anger.

No I cannot move out right now, that's not an option and I'm asking that you please don't suggest it because it really truly is NOT an option for me right now. I need to find a way to handle this while being in the house. Thank you all.

I have been through this. i cannot give an answer really though because until i left i never did understnad how i was supposed to honour them. NOW i am safely removed from their "care" (so-called) i have a better idea, becaus ei can honour them from a distance.

I wish i could be of more help
 
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Swan7

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@Megan Nicole

I'm so sorry, I can relate to your situation. I haven't lived with mine since a very vulnerable day came for me and I was run out of the house suddenly. Over time and lots of prayer, talking to God and wanting to patch things up with him, God made that possible one day. He intervened and caused my dad to ask me if he'd done anything against his kids (myself and 2 younger sisters). It was a very awkward and yet freeing hour for both of us as we patched things up.

I hope the same will happen in your situation. :yellowheart:
 
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Junia

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I think this sermon can help you. It's on forgiveness and the mistaken notion that true Christian forgiveness equals "forgetting" abusive treatment and other kinds of wounds from the past.




My answer to the OP is simply "to do your best". I would not try to sweep any kind of abuse or neglect etc. under the carpet, but hopefully there are a few things your parent has done right and maybe for those things be thankful. The fact that you are able to live with her or him for example is one plus.


I'm actually rewatching the video which is something I typically do when I recommend a video online. If you are actually having anger issues towards your parent this might actually be a good thing; because it can potentially lead to his or her repentance.


But that being said, I've run a cross a number of people in recent years in dysfunctional relationships, like abuse from narcissistic personalities etc. And well if that is you then, were back to "do your best" for the time being, pray for grace etc. And there are some psychological techniques you can learn to manage the relationship so it is bearable.

the narc abuse was the kind of thing i was under , domestic violence too and i completely agree with being thankful for the good things my parents did eg when my abusive dad was ina good mood he could be very charming and kind to other people outside the family. so i praise God for this heart of compassion towards others. i used to resent that caring heart he had because i wanted it to be aimed towards us at home, not the waifs and strays he came across in his ministry. but i made a decision one day to just praise God for the fact that my dad did love others, even if he wasnt able to love us or hsow us that love..... also my dad was born again so even igf his faith was a "saved by works, hell and brimstone" type, i believe He siuncerely loved Jesus. he was a sick man whose diseases (bipolar OCD and maybe BPD) meant he could not regulate his emotions and he used cruelty to deal with people because his own childhood was traumatic to a horrendous degree. his religious beliefs ,meant he was not allowed to see a psychiatrist or take the lithium i believed would have stabilised him. so he was a victim too.

i believe the OP's parents are abusers for a reason just like my dad was. that isnt to say it condones it, but for me i found it helped me to see my father and mother in a light of compassion to remember they were victims too
 
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Junia

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Pray for God's help and guidance in the situation ... and for a way to get out on your own.

We had the opposite situation in our home ... an adult child who caused trouble inside the home and out of it. We continued to pray that God would resolve this issue for us ... and, after some time, God began to work a miracle in his heart. We now get along pretty well.

We'll be praying for you for God to touch your situation similarly ...

that is aw3esome. God can do anything. in our household it was a mix of both, my father abused us, my mother enabled him, but i see that my own bad behaviour contributed a lot to my dad's treatment of me. and possibly towards the others. i was not a good kid.
 
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Junia

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How do you honor and love a parent who doesn't love you, honor you, respect you, or even treat you like a human being? How do you do things in love and respect them as your parent, and yet also not let yourself get bullied?
I genuinely don't know how to biblically handle this because I've coped all my life by just getting extremely angry with him internally and never saying anything (but imagining all the things I'd love to shout at him...) and now I'm getting to a point where, at any second, I feel I'm going to come unglued and unleash 20+ years of frustration and anger.

No I cannot move out right now, that's not an option and I'm asking that you please don't suggest it because it really truly is NOT an option for me right now. I need to find a way to handle this while being in the house. Thank you all.

as someone wo has been in your shoes i would like to congratulate you on not retaliating or exploding in anger towards your parents. that shows me you are on the right track. you are not sinning in your (very justifiable) anger
 
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Monksailor

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Thank you for your response! For the record, I am in my early twenties and am no longer going through my "teenage angst" phase. So I'm past the era of rebellion and anger. But in my teenage years, my dad switched from being generally unpleasant to downright emotionally abusive. Now, I know many people like the throw those words around so they mean very little, but I can assure you that he fits the bill. Belittling, manipulating, gaslighting, as well as a host of narcissistic behaviors. He also isn't a believer, though he would tell you he is. It's not a simple case of us misunderstanding the other, he genuinely treats me poorly and has never made any effort to have a relationship with me, nor does he want to. It's the same for everyone in his life.

As for me being more like my father than I think, I'm well aware of the areas where I'm disposed to be like him. The mental illness that he allows to run his life is one that has been passed down through my family and I was (un)lucky enough to be the one to get it. However, by His infinite goodness and love, God healed me and gave me a new mind, and I no longer suffer as I used to or as my father does.
I am truly sorry for your apparent situation. I will pray. There is such a thing as reconciliation counseling if both parties would be willing.
 
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How do you honor and love a parent who doesn't love you, honor you, respect you, or even treat you like a human being? How do you do things in love and respect them as your parent, and yet also not let yourself get bullied?
How has he been bullying you?

Do you have your own car? If not, do you have easy access to public transportation that is so thorough and reliable that you will never need a car?
 
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