coffee4u

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It's pure selfishness to be having a baby at 50 + via medical means that you could not otherwise have had. Menopause is there for a reason. If an older woman badly wants children, she could become a foster parent or adopt an older child.
 
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Paidiske

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I think probably every person and their circumstances is different, and we can't necessarily issue a blanket judgement on a brief sketch over the internet.

Personally, I have never felt a strong desire to have children; if it suddenly came upon me at age 50 I can't say that I'd be able to ignore it or will it away. Maybe I would appreciate having a range of options (IVF, fostering, adoption, whatever) to explore; and maybe some of those options would be not inherently bad. Something similar might well be true of single women who want to be mothers.

I watch my parents - who are now both over 60 - raising three of my brother's children, and think those children are better off with "older" people raising them who love them and are doing a sterling job, than they might be with many younger people (note that they have been removed from their parents' custody for their own safety). Age isn't the only relevant thing to consider.

What definitely leaves me cold is the idea that we should castigate anyone for "selfishness" for making particular parenting choices, or for working before, during or after having young children. Life doesn't always allow for our ideals, and even when it does, we can't see someone else's heart.

If I had an older female friend wanting to have a first child, I'd probably regale her with all my early-parenting horror stories; but that might just be me!
 
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coffee4u

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I watch my parents - who are now both over 60 - raising three of my brother's children, and think those children are better off with "older" people raising them who love them and are doing a sterling job, than they might be with many younger people (note that they have been removed from their parents' custody for their own safety). Age isn't the only relevant thing to consider.

The difference there is your mother didn't use one of her old eggs. As we age the chances of different conditions arrises from 'geriatric' eggs. Nor did she go through pregnancy. Pregnancy is really hard on your body even if you are young, fit and healthy, that and giving birth either naturally or via cesarian does stuff to your body and some of it is permanent. It could be as minor as having less stomach muscle, wetting yourself a bit when you sneeze or having your hair colour change to as major as debilitating migraines or even death. I doubt your parents had all three children from birth either. getting up and down every night multiple times again can really take a toll on health. The older you are the more likely it is for issues to occur. Of course, things like smoking, drinking and general health all play into that as well, but to get pregnant at an age after God has naturally stopped it is to me selfish because its for the parent, not for the child's sake. What your parents did was extremely unselfish.
 
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Paidiske

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The difference there is your mother didn't use one of her old eggs. As we age the chances of different conditions arrises from 'geriatric' eggs. Nor did she go through pregnancy. Pregnancy is really hard on your body even if you are young, fit and healthy, that and giving birth either naturally or via cesarian does stuff to your body and some of it is permanent. It could be as minor as having less stomach muscle, wetting yourself a bit when you sneeze or having your hair colour change to as major as debilitating migraines or even death. I doubt your parents had all three children from birth either. getting up and down every night multiple times again can really take a toll on health. The older you are the more likely it is for issues to occur. Of course, things like smoking, drinking and general health all play into that as well, but to get pregnant at an age after God has naturally stopped it is to me selfish because its for the parent, not for the child's sake. What your parents did was extremely unselfish.

I understand the toll pregnancy takes all too well, and the risks of increasing age etc.

But this idea that if you can't conceive naturally it's automatically "selfish" to choose medical intervention doesn't sit well with me. Some people who choose to become parents at any age do so for selfish reasons, and some don't; we can't issue a blanket judgement.
 
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JackRT

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One of my best friend's sister-in-law had a successful career. Her husband was 70 and she was 50. She decided she wanted a baby. So they went to a clinic, and she got pregnant with twins. One died midterm. The other was born healthy. I was really disturbed about this because of her age. And the age of her husband. But then I began researching this, and found that actually there is a big wave of women who have just now reached their 50s and even 60s, have had successful careers, and long for children. And due to the miracles of science, the wealthy are able to have them. What do you think about this?

These babies will graduate high school when their parents are reaching their 80s and 90s. Some of their parents will die before they graduate. Many of them will not live to see their grandkids. These women went into the work force and traded a family life for a successful career. Then their maternal instincts kicked in and they faced regrets and longing for children. There's nothing wrong with women having successful careers. But is it fair to these children? What are your thoughts?

I was a child in somewhat the same situation. My father and mother both married late. He was 48 and my mother was 34. By the time I was a teen my father was failing. To be completely honest, I felt cheated.
 
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coffee4u

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I understand the toll pregnancy takes all too well, and the risks of increasing age etc.

But this idea that if you can't conceive naturally it's automatically "selfish" to choose medical intervention doesn't sit well with me. Some people who choose to become parents at any age do so for selfish reasons, and some don't; we can't issue a blanket judgement.

It's not their reasons that are selfish it's how life plays out for the children of older parents that make it selfish. By the time a child of a 50-year-old is 20 the parent is old and could even be dead, they may need aged care and not be able to be involved as grandparents. I feel overly old as it is having had mine at 35 and 38. My own mother was 39 and I had no siblings because of that and I was embarrassed by their age growing up. If I had had a choice I would never have had a child as old as I did and so would she. It's not all about what parents want but also how it affects the kids.
 
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Paidiske

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It's not their reasons that are selfish it's how life plays out for the children of older parents that make it selfish. By the time a child of a 50-year-old is 20 the parent is old and could even be dead, they may need aged care and not be able to be involved as grandparents. I feel overly old as it is having had mine at 35 and 38. My own mother was 39 and I had no siblings because of that and I was embarrassed by their age growing up. If I had had a choice I would never have had a child as old as I did and so would she. It's not all about what parents want but also how it affects the kids.

I imagine you'd be hard pressed to find many people who would prefer never having existed to having been born to older parents, though.

Look, my parents were young, and even I wasn't a terribly old primigravida. So this isn't something I've had to particularly wrestle with, and it's not that I'm defending myself. I just think tarring people whom you don't know, you don't know their circumstances, their motivations, or their hearts, as "selfish" just because you don't like their choice in this regard... I think it's unfair.
 
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coffee4u

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I imagine you'd be hard pressed to find many people who would prefer never having existed to having been born to older parents, though.

Look, my parents were young, and even I wasn't a terribly old primigravida. So this isn't something I've had to particularly wrestle with, and it's not that I'm defending myself. I just think tarring people whom you don't know, you don't know their circumstances, their motivations, or their hearts, as "selfish" just because you don't like their choice in this regard... I think it's unfair.

Of course, I am sure they are glad to exist, but I am coming from the child's side you understand. Even though my mother was 39 not 50 I have an understanding of what those children are going to face. I don't believe parent's who are 50 and older and having a baby are really thinking about the life their child will have later as an adult or thinking about what that child might feel about their age or how lonely being an only child can be. I only have my father left, I have no cousins, no siblings. I am lucky that I am married and have 2 children but it's still a very lonely place knowing there is no other family left. So if they do choose this I really hope they have plenty of other close family around so that when this young adult of theirs has to see them into a nursing home or buried they have family suport.
 
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Paidiske

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I can understand arguing against loneliness and isolation.

I just think making it about older parents is a bit of a red herring. Lots of younger parents only have one child. Or they move halfway round the world and have no contact with extended family (like mine did).

Loneliness and social isolation aren't good, but they aren't a given even if parents are older, and they aren't precluded if parents are younger.
 
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Wow thank u guys for sharing! Lots of good points all around. It’s true that no one can truly empathize with the emotional hardships of any given persons life without having “walked a mile” in their proverbial shoes. I know all too well what it is like to be judged unfairly based on appearances alone or hearsay. Proverbs touches on this: “The one who states his case first seems right, until the other comes and examines him.” (Prov 18:17). It’s always a good idea to first, consult with the Spirit, and then, hear out both sides of a story before trying to form any opinions.

Having said that, Jesus does call us to use discernment and take care in how we steward the resources and gifts He’s given us. “Do not give dogs what is holy, and do not throw your pearls before pigs, lest they trample them underfoot and turn to attack you.”

Blanket statements are like rules: they are generalizations that are not intended to apply to every individual, but to describe the majority. And just as there are exceptions to every rule, there will be exceptions to every blanket statement.

There are usually greater socio/economic advantages to older parentage: lower divorce rates, usually higher incomes, more educational/cultural opportunities, more emotionally relaxed and emotionally stable parental figures. However, in most cases, even though children are extremely resilient, there are more beneficial variables—both holistic social and psychological/health related factors—that support them being raised by younger guardians/parental figures than by older ones. Studies show small but significant increased psychological health risks passed from both parents to the child, and the children often report a constant fear of losing their parental figures and other relatives, shame of the age difference in reference to their peers, feelings of being unable to connect with their parents due to the age gap, and emotional /psychological toll dealing with the care and eventual burial of their parents at a much earlier age than their peers. Each couple or guardian should educate themselves and carefully weigh out all the variables before the Lord to make the right choice for themselves.
 
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mama2one

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emotional /psychological toll dealing with the care and eventual burial of their parents at a much earlier age than their peers.

believe it's difficult to lose parents no matter what

was close friends with an older neighbor (now gone) who was probably in her late 60s or early 70s when her mom passed on

she told me "I'm all alone & have no family"

this confused me as she had 3 children and a husband
she went on to explain that there was no one left who knew her past as a child plus she was close to her mom
 
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bekkilyn

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It's one thing to not have children right away, and there are many, many good reasons for waiting for a bit more maturity. It's an entirely different thing to wait until you're 50+ to start having children. My parents didn't have me until their 30's and I can relate to much of what coffee4u said above.
 
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coffee4u

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I think it's something you need to live through to understand. Most young adults take the support of their parents for granted. Being a young adult and having to support your parents or be worried about them dying from old age adds a different kind of stress. I know every family situation is different, and other things may take away from the support, but purposely having children at 50+ is going to have negative impacts on these children that people with averaged aged parents simply don't understand.
 
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mama2one

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there is a wave of men in their 50s with their often much younger wives having babies

for some odd reason, no one seems to condemn the men which I don't understand

having a father is just as important as having a mother
 
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the last child

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there is a wave of men in their 50s with their often much younger wives having babies

for some odd reason, no one seems to condemn the men which I don't understand

having a father is just as important as having a mother


This is true...very little attention has been paid to the affects of the age of older fathers (with regards to health issues or the psychological impact) because it was assumed there was none.

However recent studies have shown that as men age, there is an increased risk of passing de novo mutations to the child due to the higher rate of cell division in sperm (translation? higher risk of autism even without a family history of autism or a father with autism). And that is just one of many other areas of study being conducted now that are also coming up with the same results—layman’s terms, not looking so good for older dad.

Still, these studies are relatively new. Scientists and psychologists are “waiting” and studying these generations to see the unfolding affects this age gap will have on children into their adulthood in the long term. And as I said before, blanket statements are not meant to cover every individual situation. There will always be exceptions and special circumstances. The Lord doesn’t much care and is not limited by man’s “studies” or knowledge (or lack thereof) or opinions. So we should always go to Him first.
 
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the last child

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I can understand arguing against loneliness and isolation.

I just think making it about older parents is a bit of a red herring. Lots of younger parents only have one child. Or they move halfway round the world and have no contact with extended family (like mine did).

Loneliness and social isolation aren't good, but they aren't a given even if parents are older, and they aren't precluded if parents are younger.

She makes an interesting point. How does a family with a single child and younger parents, isolated from family, compare to a child with much older parents (20+ year gap)? She is right, there are many families with younger parents that have little or no contact with their relatives. I’m not sure how many of them are single child families, but there are a many, many single mother families that have been separated or disowned or “shunned” by their families. They also experience isolation and loneliness. Do you think this is the same kind? Are the factors and variables affecting this isolation/loneliness on par with the age gap of having older parents?
 
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Know this is a variation of your concern. But we're seeing more and more grandparents raising their grandchildren. Some have legally adopted them. Some are still working while others have to get a job to handle their expenses.

I'm aware of this and think it's sad that the child's parents aren't capable of raising them.
 
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One of my best friend's sister-in-law had a successful career. Her husband was 70 and she was 50. She decided she wanted a baby. So they went to a clinic, and she got pregnant with twins. One died midterm. The other was born healthy. I was really disturbed about this because of her age. And the age of her husband. But then I began researching this, and found that actually there is a big wave of women who have just now reached their 50s and even 60s, have had successful careers, and long for children. And due to the miracles of science, the wealthy are able to have them. What do you think about this?

These babies will graduate high school when their parents are reaching their 70s and 80s. Some of their parents will die before they graduate. Many of them will not live to see their grandkids. These women went into the work force and traded a family life for a successful career. Then their maternal instincts kicked in and they faced regrets and longing for children. There's nothing wrong with women having successful careers. But is it fair to these children? What are your thoughts?

When i first heard about this type of thing my firdt thought was "how selfish." then i felt rebuked. immediately came into my head was the story of Sarah and Abraham. yes, i realise that was an execptional circumstance, but i dont think God neccessarily has an issue with it- He sees the future and knows each individual circumstance.

I honestly think sometimes we spend far too much time judging or worrying about others and forgetting God has it all in hand
 
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bèlla

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Life isn’t promised to anyone. My nephews lost their father. He was in his fifties. My grandfather died in his 80s. Only God knows the day and hour. There are pros and cons on both ends. I was a young parent. But I never had another child.

Starting early worked in my favor. It allowed me to mature and secure my finances. I’m in my forties. I have the option of having children or using other methods. Many women in my neighborhood start families later. The majority have hired help and I’d follow suit.

There are infertile women in all age groups. Youth isn’t a guarantee for fertility or siblings. Family sizes are much smaller now and only children are growing in popularity.

~Bella
 
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