Wife has left faith

Broncos1982 said:

I don't feel like Jesus would abandon me, so I refused to leave her and forgave her.. however, she doesn't really ever want to be intimate, she won't go to church, she eats while I pray (we used to pray before every meal) and now I'm finding myself despise her after seeing other couples who always seem to be so close to each other and supportive. Despite all of this we do get along in most other aspects of our lives. She saw how I took care of our foster daughter basically on my own when we went through all of this and said that's how she knew she didn't want to leave me.

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Let me say first before continuing that I don't know you so I will readily concede I could be wrong in what I next post.

This content evidences some boundary and codependent issues, as well as some spiritual/doctrinal and identity concerns.


First let me point out that the op isn't very linear. It goes back and forth from subject to subject and most of it, as I have already pointed out is about others and not specifically about you, Bronco. This is fairly common in periods of duress so understand I am not being critical. Just making an observation. Disorganized thoughts and emotions beget disorganized posts. I've endeavored to post separate posts to break down the op into specific concerns - all of which are quite demanding for someone in your position!

Without going into too much detail here's a handful of recommendations: First, pick up a copies of the books "Boundaries," and "Boundaries in Marriage," both by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. You read one and ask you wife to read the other. Let her choose which one she wants to read first and then trade. OR... ask her if she'd be willing to read them aloud together and discuss the content, maybe once or twice a week. If she's unwilling to read a Christian book on boundaries then let me recommend "Learning to Say No," by Carla Wills-Brandon. The Wills-Brandon book will address some of the abuse/trauma your wife has likely experienced. If you can find the New Life Ministries radio broadcast in your area then begin listening to it daily. This is the ministry run by Stephen Arterburn of "Every Man's Battle" fame. He has a talk show in which a team of Christian counselors from varying perspectives attempt to address the various concerns of callers. Listen. Listen daily because you're going to find patterns apply in the lives of those in need and patterns exist in the counsel they are provided. Learn to recognize where these patterns eist in y'all's lives and make the prescribed changes. Don't forget the "Letters to Philip" book I recommended earlier. I have every single couple read that book at the beginning of the counseling relationship and although there are some flaws in the book I have yet to ever hear a couple decry the reading.

There are many ways to look at codependency but fundamentally Co-dependency is simply a co-occurring dependency on another person's dependency. A spouse is co-addicted to his her husband's alcoholism or gambling or inappropriate contentography use. It doesn't matter that the spouse does not drink, gamble, or view inappropriate contentography. The non-using spouse has invariably adapted to the presence of the other spouse's dependencies.

This manifests itself in some very specific ways, most of which have to do with boundaries. Healthy boundaries teach us right and wrong but boundaries also teach us identity. They teach us where we begin and where we end. the teach me that I am not you and you am not me. I do not have to think the way you think or feel what you feel. I am my own person and have my own beliefs, thoughts, emotions, choices, hopes, goals, etc. and I am not a lesser person if we have differences. Folks with codependency issues have difficulty with that last part. If you'd like to know more about this then post it and I'll respond here in this thread.

Lastly (for now), there also appear to be some attachment concerns for both you and your wife that precede the adultery. If you go to Youtube (yes, youtube) and type "attachment styles" into the search box you'll get several videos to teach you the basics of attachment theory. If you view the vids on anxious and avoidant attachment I believe you will find yourself described. There is a book by Sue Johnson, "Hold Me Tight" that can help develop the skills for connecting. She also wrote a book with a Christian therapist Kenneth Sanderfer, "Created for Connection," that is very good but it is also quite long.


I gotta go for now but I'll return to address the last part of the op when I have time. If you have questions, ask. I'll do what I can to answer them but I do think you will be best served by developing a real-time face-to-face counseling relationship to help decided on either divorce or marriage. I've endeavored to be blunt, but not disrespectful. You're dealing with difficult stuff and and you will likely need someone who can be both encouraging and exhorting. I can back up everything I've posted with scripture so if you're curious just ask but I assume you have some degree of knowledge of scripture already so I posted relying upon that which is already known.

Broncos1982 said:

I don't feel like Jesus would abandon me, so I refused to leave her and forgave her. however, she doesn't really ever want to be intimate, she won't go to church, she eats while I pray (we used to pray before every meal) and now I'm finding myself despise her after seeing other couples who always seem to be so close to each other and supportive....

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You say you forgave her but find yourself despising her. You say the despising occurs after watching close and supportive couples.

This is diagnostic if you'll use that way, Bronco. First the forgiving and despIs "despise" the correct label for what you're feeling because if not then correct it. Unresolved forgiveness begets resentment. Unresolved resentment begets bitterness. How can you love someone you despise? Do you think your wife is unaware she's despised? What expectation of affection can you reasonably expect to receive from someone who knows she's despised? What do you think happens when a wife knows the husband who despises her expects to be loved and have sex?



That is what the two of you are called to.

Take what meager comfort and consolation you can in knowing we all fail.

Why would you expect a despised wife to accompany you to church? You say she has been forgiven. Great! What evidence of the forgiveness can she see? Note it is the closeness and supportiveness of other couples that prompts your disdain. Let me state the obvious:

You desire closeness and support.

Do you think your wife is any different? This may seem an ironic question because adultery is the antithesis of closeness and it certainly isn't going to get her closeness. Neither will the guilt, shame, and remorse for practicing adultery bring her closeness and support. So we've got one hurt, sad, angry, despising husband yearning for intimacy, closeness, and support from a hurt, guilty, ashamed, remorseful adulterous wife also yearning for closeness and support but not knowing how to get it.

So pay attention to this next part:

Life functions of relationships.

Relationships function on goals, boundaries and expectations.

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  • Goals: if you don't know where you're going you definitely won't get there (Pr. 29:18).
  • Boundaries must be firm but flexible. If they are too rigid they keep the problems bottled up within and if they are too pourous they invite others to continually visit the problem upon us from without.
  • Expectations must be conscious (if you don't know what you yourself are expecting then you're only setting yourself up for disappointment), mutually agreed upon, and spoken (it is the only way to know they are mutual and agreed upon).

So sit down with your wife and set a few basic goals that will get you to restoring the marriage if that's what you really want. Go talk to someone about the despising your wife part and talk it through before letting your wife know you despise her.

Change that expectation for intimacy (sex?). Start with yourself and be kind, patient, affectionate toward her. What have you done today that should would recognize as love? What have you done, practically, operationally speaking that could be observed to say, "I value you"? If you're not actually valuing your wife then you're setting yourself up for failure. If you're not actually showing the adulterous value you should not have any expectation of intimacy, closeness or support. Start with yourself and give her a reason to change herself, and change herself in your direction.

The book "The Love Dare" is a good place to start but remember it isn't 40 days of active observable loving that is needed; it is forty years worth of observable valuing. If you haven't read it already Gary Chapman's "The Five Love Languages" could also be helpful by raising your awareness of each of you perceive love best. The online test is free and takes less than ten minutes but I wouldn't take it apart from reading the book. Try reading the book together. June Hunt's little book on forgiveness is one of the best. Stay away from Chris Braun's book.


Whatever you do or don't do..... deal with the despising. That's not good for anyone.

Broncos1982 said:

She saw how I took care of our foster daughter basically on my own when we went through all of this and said that's how she knew she didn't want to leave me.

Now for my actual question, we talk about having children but she wants to take them to temple while I want them to be saved and go to church. I'm contemplating just not having children then to let her take them to temple. Any advice?

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Is her desire for children her attempt to bring you two back together? That's going to be a pretty crappy question to ask, yeah?

Why would a wife who doesn't want to be intimate want to have children with you, Bronco? You do understand having children normally requires the normally intimate act of sexual intercourse, yes?

So there's something going on there.

Raising children is a long-term project. It requires 20 or more years of parenting and all that parenting entails. Can the two of you endure 20 or more years of togetherness for the sake of the kids under the current circumstances? No? Then you know some things have to change. What's going to be like for children seeing you two like you are for their entire childhood? Do you want to raise children who think husbanding and wifeing, who thing the marital relationship is fundamentally characterized by estrangement? If not then you know you have some things to work one before you have children.

Your wife has already demonstrated a capacity to leave the marriage. You probably have done so too, only in less egregious ways (if you watch the videos on attachment you'll understand). What happens five or ten years from now if the current conditions have not changed. Another poster was correct: she'll leave, take the kids, and leave you with alimony and child support. Don't choose to have kids you can't yourself raise while all your wealth is taken from you. Don't put yourself in a position to watch another man raise your children.Proverbs 7 has a lot to say about this.

If your wife was abused/neglected and the brokenness is behind the adultery then she can heal and you too might then have a good marriage. If she is a harlot and infidelity is part of her character then it's simply a matter of time before it happens again. Feel what you're feeling right now. I know you don't like feeling what you're feeling but do it any way. Just for a few seconds.

If you don't want to feel those feelings on and off for the next five, ten, or twenty years then you have two options: work to change them by repairing the marriage, beginning with yourself, or choose divorce. Both will hurt.