I met this guy on Reddit in early 2018 after posting lengthy cries for help during a really lonesome period of my life. We hit it off really well and could message for hours and never run out of things to talk about. At first I was a little annoyed by how much he messaged me but soon I found he and I had a lot in common, and he was very interesting to talk to.
He had a lot of problems himself and after a while I felt safe to share my problems with him, something I had never done with anybody. It was a very liberating and freeing experience. I soon found I felt like I could tell him anything and everything, and I slowly opened up.
The messaging on Reddit turned into exchanging numbers and texting each other. After a while I realized the guy had some pretty serious emotional issues like myself, and he had very low self-worth. He went through a lot of pain during his childhood and it sadly screwed him up. I still wanted to get to know him anyhow.
In summer 2018 had a health issue come up and had to leave my job for a few months to recover and he was the only one there for me, even though he wasn't "there" with me. He would send me pictures of sunsets and funny videos of him at work or playing the piano and whenever I would wake up in the middle of the night feeling scared he would somehow text me right when I needed him. He'd say "I'm here" and immediately I felt safe. We'd fall asleep texting each other talking about cuddles and how we'd snuggle if we were together and all that cutesy stuff and when I was feeling bad it really comforted me and gave me strength. I thanked God for this guy every night, almost in tears.
Soon we did a video chat and I was nervous as fudge because I have social anxiety, but we ended up talking for a little over an hour. He gave me a tour of his home and showed me his yearbook pictures. I looked in his eyes and I swear I could have melted. Even though I wasn't "there" it felt like it. I was his "Ladybug" and he was my "Snugglebug". We'd make up nicknames for each other all the time.
I loved everything about him. His brokenness, his childhood, his quirkiness, his sarcasm--everything he shared with me. There were times we got into conflict and swore off texting but we always ended up talking again. We were supposed to meet up several times but since we live 1,000 miles away from each other it was near impossible because neither of us had the money or opportunity. We talked about the future several times, what if we meet and want to be together,
I always got upset that he said I would have to move to where he is . He has a huge house his father used to rent off to tenants and gave to him. Completely paid off. He had moved so many times in childhood and never felt like he had a stable place to call home and now he has one. I will not take that away from him. I do not want to rip his home from him, but at the same time, I can't leave my family here where I am.
This year we came to an agreement that it would be healthier and better for us if we just keep things platonic and not talk about lovey stuff or plans to move. But lately my feelings of wanting to be close to him have come back and I don't know what to do. I feel like I love him. After two years I can't seem to forget about him. I've tried getting to know other guys but I still want this one. He might have BPD but I know I cannot fix him, that is not my job. But I want to take care of him and love him through it.
So what is wrong with all of this? I have never met this man in flesh and blood and by a normal standpoint I should not be acting like I know him or love him--because I have never met him. I realize what a mess I got myself into. Now I'm literally stuck with intense feelings of wanting to be closer to him that I can't make reality--at least not yet. I don't even know if I should, or can.
I don't want to forget about him or move on or love anybody else. I feel like he was my soulmate. But I know how ridiculous and unfounded that statement is. I feel like God is mad at me for having feelings for this man. I pray for Him to help me hate these feelings but I know at the end of the day only I can fix this.
He had a lot of problems himself and after a while I felt safe to share my problems with him, something I had never done with anybody. It was a very liberating and freeing experience. I soon found I felt like I could tell him anything and everything, and I slowly opened up.
The messaging on Reddit turned into exchanging numbers and texting each other. After a while I realized the guy had some pretty serious emotional issues like myself, and he had very low self-worth. He went through a lot of pain during his childhood and it sadly screwed him up. I still wanted to get to know him anyhow.
In summer 2018 had a health issue come up and had to leave my job for a few months to recover and he was the only one there for me, even though he wasn't "there" with me. He would send me pictures of sunsets and funny videos of him at work or playing the piano and whenever I would wake up in the middle of the night feeling scared he would somehow text me right when I needed him. He'd say "I'm here" and immediately I felt safe. We'd fall asleep texting each other talking about cuddles and how we'd snuggle if we were together and all that cutesy stuff and when I was feeling bad it really comforted me and gave me strength. I thanked God for this guy every night, almost in tears.
Soon we did a video chat and I was nervous as fudge because I have social anxiety, but we ended up talking for a little over an hour. He gave me a tour of his home and showed me his yearbook pictures. I looked in his eyes and I swear I could have melted. Even though I wasn't "there" it felt like it. I was his "Ladybug" and he was my "Snugglebug". We'd make up nicknames for each other all the time.
I loved everything about him. His brokenness, his childhood, his quirkiness, his sarcasm--everything he shared with me. There were times we got into conflict and swore off texting but we always ended up talking again. We were supposed to meet up several times but since we live 1,000 miles away from each other it was near impossible because neither of us had the money or opportunity. We talked about the future several times, what if we meet and want to be together,
I always got upset that he said I would have to move to where he is . He has a huge house his father used to rent off to tenants and gave to him. Completely paid off. He had moved so many times in childhood and never felt like he had a stable place to call home and now he has one. I will not take that away from him. I do not want to rip his home from him, but at the same time, I can't leave my family here where I am.
This year we came to an agreement that it would be healthier and better for us if we just keep things platonic and not talk about lovey stuff or plans to move. But lately my feelings of wanting to be close to him have come back and I don't know what to do. I feel like I love him. After two years I can't seem to forget about him. I've tried getting to know other guys but I still want this one. He might have BPD but I know I cannot fix him, that is not my job. But I want to take care of him and love him through it.
So what is wrong with all of this? I have never met this man in flesh and blood and by a normal standpoint I should not be acting like I know him or love him--because I have never met him. I realize what a mess I got myself into. Now I'm literally stuck with intense feelings of wanting to be closer to him that I can't make reality--at least not yet. I don't even know if I should, or can.
I don't want to forget about him or move on or love anybody else. I feel like he was my soulmate. But I know how ridiculous and unfounded that statement is. I feel like God is mad at me for having feelings for this man. I pray for Him to help me hate these feelings but I know at the end of the day only I can fix this.