Chastity in Marriage

Danny Asema said:

a happy life in abstinence.

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Our Apostle Paul says,

"with consent for a time" > 1 Corinthians 7:5.

People can put smiles on their faces and say they are doing great. So, if someone says they are happy with abstinence, I am going to get to know them so I can know what is really going on, or not make assumptions.

They could be "happy", because one is going along with the other in order to not be abused. And the one going along could be simply deciding to stay in the marriage and trust God, and stay out of arguing, willing to sacrifice sex in order to love her or his spouse. And God can be satisfying him or her, though the other has been wrong. Because yes we can love unconditionally in a relationship with a spouse who is dictating a wrong thing.

And God's word says >

"the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does." (in 1 Corinthians 7:4)

Danny Asema said:

But I would like your thoughts on: Ephesians 2:3, Galatians 5:16 17, or Romans 8:13, 1 john 2: 16

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Ephesians 2:3 >

This scripture includes how >

"we all once conducted ourselves in the lusts of our flesh, fulfilling the desires of the flesh and of the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, just as the others" (in Ephesians 2:3)

This says how we lived while we were "children of wrath, just as the others."

Notice, by the way, how Paul says "lusts" . . . not just one lust. There is lust for food, for control, pets, excitement, work, on we can go. In unforgiveness, there can be a sort of lust . . . maybe for revenge. There are different kinds of lusts . . . I guess we could say a passion which gets control of you to want what is inferior and not God's way of loving.

But if you say sexual lust . . . sex is not the lust, but the lust is the problem > I can see how sexual lust could be the king or queen of lust. Because it is for what can be so nice feeling, intense, and not hard to do.

And refined sugar products, too, are intense in their sweet sensation and how easy they can be to get, and require little effort or experience.

And why do people so treasure the easy intense nice pleasures? They are lonely, deep-down inside. They want to feel some sort of company . . . in their stomach or on their bodies. But no amount of physical pleasure can keep you company so you are satisfied. This is a problem of pets, too > they can be too easy . . . you don't have to learn how to love in order to get along with a pet, plus they are so easy to control . . . or can be You don't have to learn how to relate, like we do in a close relationship with people.

So, Jesus puts us together with other imperfect people, so we can learn how to love.

And only with Jesus can we become strong enough and sensible enough to love in close sharing with another person. Plus, only Jesus Christ's love deeply satisfies us so we are not depending on how some person or peers treat us, and not trying to get satisfaction from treasure pleasures.

And only Christ's peace has His almighty immunity to keep us safe, and His good sense to keep us from how we could be deceived into seeking pleasure in order to be happy and feel nice and fulfilled.

"rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God." (1 Peter 3:4)

I note how this beauty of God's gentle and quiet love is "incorruptible" > this is what makes us so lusts can not corrupt us. So, just reforming how you do things is not what works. And while you might guide or control your wife to not have sex, it is possible both you and she could be giving in to other sorts of lusts.

So, I would say, we can enjoy what God has trusted us with, but while deeply we gain His real correction so love instead of lust is taking us along. And while we are doing different sorts of things, be attentive to the LORD, in His peace, discovering how we become sharing and creative with Him and one another.

Danny Asema said:

Hello, I've been happily married for almost 2 years now but I have a problem. The last 6 months or so I've come to know and love God a lot more. and he has been urging me to a life of purity. I've have been succeeding immensely in being obediently in all areas except for sex and this is taking a terrible toll on my conscience and is separating me from God. I try to explain to my wife that we should be celibate but she just says sex is part of life and will not give it up. I recently managed to go for 2 months without sex and then she started complaining, so I fulfilled my marital duties and had sex with her. Now again I feel disheartened and like I've spit in God's face.

Can someone offer advice on how to persuade my wife to join me living happily in chastity?
thanks in advance.

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Your wife is correct. I understand your motivation but it’s not what God’s Word Teaches. There can be a time when both husband and wife agree from the heart to live celibate lives for some period of time. Your wife should have no qualms with wanting sex from her spouse and vice versa. Your reasoning requires prayer for correction. Correction is imperative because God’s Word is very clear on the matter. I pray that you haven’t tried to lay any type of self righteous behavior on your wife. That could ruin your marriage. I should have added that after being married 47 years this June and 4 children and 7 grandchildren and 2 great grandchildren, there has been a time when Christ has removed most of the desire from both of us. However if my wife wasn’t happy with that she would tell me. Age can bring freedom from some of the temptations that used to be fought. Thank God Jesus The Christ.

Danny Asema said:

Hello, I've been happily married for almost 2 years now but I have a problem. The last 6 months or so I've come to know and love God a lot more. and he has been urging me to a life of purity. I've have been succeeding immensely in being obediently in all areas except for sex and this is taking a terrible toll on my conscience and is separating me from God. I try to explain to my wife that we should be celibate but she just says sex is part of life and will not give it up. I recently managed to go for 2 months without sex and then she started complaining, so I fulfilled my marital duties and had sex with her. Now again I feel disheartened and like I've spit in God's face.

Can someone offer advice on how to persuade my wife to join me living happily in chastity?
thanks in advance.

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Absolutely not. I don't know where you get the idea that you should abstain from sex from. The Bible says the opposite. 1 Corinthians 7:3. Sex is normal, natural and was ordained by God before Adam disobeyed God. That is one of the reasons to marry, so that the normal desires can be fulfilled in a way that pleases God.

God created sex and commanded it to the first married couple, Adam and Eve.

Danny Asema said:

Can someone offer advice on how to persuade my wife to join me living happily in chastity?

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You're confusing chastity and continence. To abstain from sexual relations is to be continent, and it is unjust to expect your wife to agree to continence unless she agreed to it before you got married.

To be chaste is to conform your sexual avtivity to your vocation. As a married man, you have a vocation to married life, and chastity in marriage includes having joyful sex with your spouse. I repeat: sexual activity within marriage is chaste!!

The advice you need is this: apologise to your wife, and resume sexual activity with a clear conscience.

Danny Asema said:

Celiabcy does not go against what the bible says.

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Celibacy is the state of being unmarried. You're married, therefore you cannot be celibate.

Danny Asema said:

She just is accustomed to enjoy the sensual... pleasures.

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Lucky you. Stop being silly and enjoy them with her. You can break the bed in perfect chastity, and it's not lust.

I think you owe it to her to spend a lot of time figuring out how her G-spot really works. Tonight.

This will sound way off and weird, but have you guys discussed putting you in a chastity belt ? She has the key and will only let you out for sex, but she decides. This way you both get what you want unless she keeps you locked down and ends up getting satisfaction elsewhere.

Let me quote Paul on this matter, although this seems to have been posted several times already.


Marriage is ordained by God as the means for both men and women to fulfill their sexual desires. What you are suggesting is contrary to scripture. You have a duty to provide your wife with what she desires of you, and she likewise to you. Properly understood in Biblical context, this is a beautiful thing and the highest expression of intimacy between a husband and a wife. You are clearly not intended to be a celibate man as you "burn with lust". Rather than continuing to attempt to battle your lust by abstaining from what God has given to you in marriage, turn to him in repentance over your sinful desires and ask him to strengthen you in faith to overcome temptation. Then, go to your wife and express your unfettered love to her in the marriage bed in obedience to the command of the Holy Spirit.

Danny Asema said:

I'm not withholding anything. When my wife requires intimacy, I give it to her. I turn my back on God and satisfy her. I repent and carry on.

You people claiming Devilry are hilarious.

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I will pray for you. You have made the marriage bed sinful.

Danny Asema said:

Hello, I've been happily married for almost 2 years now but I have a problem. The last 6 months or so I've come to know and love God a lot more. and he has been urging me to a life of purity. I've have been succeeding immensely in being obediently in all areas except for sex and this is taking a terrible toll on my conscience and is separating me from God. I try to explain to my wife that we should be celibate but she just says sex is part of life and will not give it up. I recently managed to go for 2 months without sex and then she started complaining, so I fulfilled my marital duties and had sex with her. Now again I feel disheartened and like I've spit in God's face.

Can someone offer advice on how to persuade my wife to join me living happily in chastity?
thanks in advance.

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Yeah fake story, fake everything. Just trying to get Christians all worked u and looking stupid.

Everything is supposed to be tested against scripture...the books you read, the dreams you believe are from God, etc. Many have given you scriptures that don't align with what you have read or what you believe God has said to you. He does not contradict himself.

Between this thread and the one about Moses it’s clear that time alone has a price.

~Bella

..Has anyone told him about Song of Solomon yet? For his sake, I hope the strong erotic undertones and analogies fly over his head.

Danny Asema said:

BTW Hebrews 13:14 says nothing about the marriage bed. I think you meant Hebrews 13:4

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Thanks for catching the typo. It was an honest slip up on the keyboard.
I went back and fixed the mistake in my post.

You said:

Also, it doesn't say that the marriage bed IS undefiled it says: Let the marriage bed be undefiled. Makes for a different interpretation.

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The King James says,


But even if you wanted to adhere to Modern Translations, they are saying the same thing as the KJV. One can simply read it the wrong way with a Modern Translation. But we know the contrast in this sentence is sex because it compares the bed of marriage undefiled vs. whoremongers and adulterers. God's design for sex was always one of his design within the bounds of marriage. Again, how do you regard the book of Solomon in the Bible? It's pretty steamy and reads a little like a romance novel. If things are as you say, then such a book would not exist in the Bible (But it does exist in the canon of Scripture).

It's just not in Solomon. You would have to tear out passages in the Proverbs, too.

18 "Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth.
19 Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love.
20 And why wilt thou, my son, be ravished with a strange woman, and embrace the bosom of a stranger?" (Proverbs 5:18-20).

Also, Genesis 2:24 says, "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh"

This is talking about sex.

For it is written elsewhere:

"What? know ye not that he which is joined to an harlot is one body? for two, saith he, shall be one flesh." (1 Corinthians 6:16).

The context is fornication (sex outside of marriage) (See: 1 Corinthians 6:13).


Anyways, if sex was impure, Paul would never tell the Corinthians to deprive each other of sexual relations unless that couple both agreed to refrain to devote each other more to prayer. It does not sound like your wife agrees with you. So do not force her to refrain. She is not ready for that yet.

You said:

What do you think undefiled means?

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Undefiled means pure. Hebrews 13:4 is saying that the marriage bed is pure. If this was not the case, then God would have been telling mankind to sin by telling them to be fruitful and multiply to spread across the globe. You have a strong misunderstanding about sex. Sex within the bounds of marriage is pure and undefiled. Sex outside of marriage is impure. In order for sex within marriage to be a sin or is impure to God, you would need to prove that with the Bible. Nowhere is there any indication that such is the case. God designed the organs to be that way. Why would he make sex feel pleasurable if it was all impure? Did God make a mistake? Surely not. Even the animals of creation share in the same thing.

Danny Asema said:

Hello, I've been happily married for almost 2 years now but I have a problem. The last 6 months or so I've come to know and love God a lot more. and he has been urging me to a life of purity. I've have been succeeding immensely in being obediently in all areas except for sex and this is taking a terrible toll on my conscience and is separating me from God. I try to explain to my wife that we should be celibate but she just says sex is part of life and will not give it up. I recently managed to go for 2 months without sex and then she started complaining, so I fulfilled my marital duties and had sex with her. Now again I feel disheartened and like I've spit in God's face.

Can someone offer advice on how to persuade my wife to join me living happily in chastity?
thanks in advance.

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You have that wrong, it is purity withinside of your marriage. Meaning you do not look outside your marriage. It is not married people who are called to be celibate but the unmarried.

When you marry you are considered one flesh.
Genesis 2:24
Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.


1 Corinthians 7:1-40
Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

A time of being celibate must be agreed on by both husband and wife.

If your wife does not agree then the time of being celibate is at an end.

If you are denying your wife or feeling annoyed by complying, it is you who are in the wrong here. If you were called to be celibate you would not be married.

You keep purity by only looking at your wife.

Not just Song Of Solomon but proverbs also.
Proverbs 5:15-19
Drink water from your own cistern, flowing water from your own well. Should your springs be scattered abroad, streams of water in the streets? Let them be for yourself alone, and not for strangers with you. Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love.
God is not against sex, he created it.

@Danny Asema

Romans 7:2-3 says,


In verse 2 it says that a woman is loosed from the covenant of marriage if her husband dies.

In verse 3 it says that if her husband lives and she is married to another man, she will be called an adulteress. But if her previous husband is dead, she is no longer an adulteress although she is married to another man. This proves that sex is a part of marriage because adultery involves sex. Sex is what naturally happens in a marriage covenant. It's normal and not unnatural as you assume.

Danny Asema said:

Hello, I've been happily married for almost 2 years now but I have a problem. The last 6 months or so I've come to know and love God a lot more. and he has been urging me to a life of purity. I've have been succeeding immensely in being obediently in all areas except for sex and this is taking a terrible toll on my conscience and is separating me from God. I try to explain to my wife that we should be celibate but she just says sex is part of life and will not give it up. I recently managed to go for 2 months without sex and then she started complaining, so I fulfilled my marital duties and had sex with her. Now again I feel disheartened and like I've spit in God's face.

Can someone offer advice on how to persuade my wife to join me living happily in chastity?
thanks in advance.

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Why is having sex with your wife impure again?

Danny Asema said:

I try to explain to my wife that we should be celibate but she just says sex is part of life and will not give it up.

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1 Corinthians 7:7 >

Holy matrimony is a gift of the Holy Spirit. And celibacy is a gift of the Holy Spirit. Each is a gift of God's love > every child with either gift has God's own love "in our hearts" >

"Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us." (Romans 5:5)

God's love is the perfect blessing of either gift, then. In either celibacy or in holy matrimony you both can keep growing in how God's love makes you mature and pure. Because God's love is pure, sex in God's love is pure.

@Danny Asema >

com7fy8 said:

Because God's love is pure, sex in God's love is pure.

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So, in case you are more mature than your wife, you can be her example, by ministering God's way of love to her while you are sharing intimately. And this will not be spitting in God's face, because God's love in His way of sex is pure.

But our Apostle Paul warns how there are people who are "defiled" so they can not enjoy God's blessings in His pure way >

"To the pure all things are pure, but to those who are defiled and unbelieving nothing is pure; but even their mind and conscience are defiled." (Titus 1:15)

So, in case you have done sex in a way which was spitting in God's face, repent of that and do it the way God blesses you to.

You asked what it means to be "undefiled" (Hebrews 13:4). So, I would say God means sex is not dirty, in holy matrimony. Therefore, I understand that "defiled" means how a person is spiritually dirtied by Satan's spirit so the person experiences sex and/or other good things of God's creation to be dirty.

But in case you have this problem, God has given you your wife to help you, right? So, do you love her by trusting her? Does she love you by trusting you? I understand that in God's way of family caring and sharing we trust one another. So, in case you two have trust problems, this can defile everything, not only your sex. And God knows you can do better, how He is able to change all of us to discover how to love.

And if you are right that your wife still needs to become pure, she needs help, too. This is why you have holy matrimony: so you two can help one another.