Does God want me to let go of this guy?

ReesePiece23

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Sorry but that's a cop out. He's made his decision and doesn't have the backbone to tell you straight that it isn't going to happen.

Oh yeah, I didn't catch that.

The way he worded it too, it's as if he enjoys being chased. "I don't deserve love".

"Yes you do!!"

Leaves the conversation on "seen".

(I'm using a bit of imagination here.)

You deserve love Jess - better than that shambolic display too.
 
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pinkjess

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Oh yeah, I didn't catch that.

The way he worded it too, it's as if he enjoys being chased. "I don't deserve love".

"Yes you do!!"

Leaves the conversation on "seen".

(I'm using a bit of imagination here.)

You deserve love Jess - better than that shambolic display too.
Gosh that's quite similar to the texts we share. It sucks.

Thank you❤
 
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pinkjess

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Ah, man, just sack it off in that case. Unless you're feeling particularly masochistic.
I mean, the hard part is there ARE times when he is "normal" and talks like a normal dude but then when he is triggered he goes off into his melodramatic depressed moods claiming God hates him and that he is worthless. He has undiagnosed BPD I feel like...he was going to see a therapist but for some reason never did.
 
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ReesePiece23

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I mean, the hard part is there ARE times when he is "normal" and talks like a normal dude but then when he is triggered he goes off into his melodramatic depressed moods claiming God hates him and that he is worthless. He has undiagnosed BPD I feel like...he was going to see a therapist but for some reason never did.

Well, they do say that uncertainty is the biggest turn on. The sad thing is, from where I'm sitting, it looks certain - the man is a complete nightmare.

- Doesn't take the necessary steps to make a problem go away
- Blames God (and no doubt others)
- Emotionally immature

I'm not picking on him, because all men go through stints of being complete idiots - I was most certainly one of them, but the will to change must come from within. And the decision won't be made until a light-bulb goes off in his head that says "you're being a moron, grow up".

It's not going to work between you and him. You're at different life stages.
 
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pinkjess

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Well, they do say that uncertainty is the biggest turn on. The sad thing is, from where I'm sitting, it looks certain - the man is a complete nightmare.

- Doesn't take the necessary steps to make a problem go away
- Blames God (and no doubt others)
- Emotionally immature

I'm not picking on him, because all men go through stints of being complete idiots - I was most certainly one of them, but the will to change must come from within. And the decision won't be made until a light-bulb goes off in his head that says "you're being a moron, grow up".

It's not going to work between you and him. You're at different life stages.
But could we just stay friends and maybe someday when that lightbulb...gah. I'm just hurting my own self at this point.

He was such a good friend...I hate how this part of him stands in the way. I know if he would just seek help and learn to love himself he could feel so much better and "see" again lol. It's like he's blinded by a dark cloud that is feeding him lies. I know I can't ever fix him nor do I want to because that is not my job. But I just wish there was something I could say to push him closer to wanting help.
 
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ReesePiece23

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But could we just stay friends and maybe someday when that lightbulb...gah. I'm just hurting my own self at this point.

He was such a good friend...I hate how this part of him stands in the way. I know if he would just seek help and learn to love himself he could feel so much better and "see" again lol. It's like he's blinded by a dark cloud that is feeding him lies. I know I can't ever fix him nor do I want to because that is not my job. But I just wish there was something I could say to push him closer to wanting help.

Yeah, you're just winding yourself up. Unfortunately, it's what a good, caring woman does - you just need to know when it's time to treat yourself with that same kindness.

His situation will takes years to fix, years YOU haven't got. I know because I've been where he is: and it'll take a lot more than what you can offer him. He needs a few life altering experiences and a chat with a wise old uncle. When I was down, I needed to be in the company of men who were exactly where I wanted to be. I couldn't have laid the foundations alone or relied on a girlfriend to do it.
 
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pinkjess

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Yeah, you're just winding yourself up. Unfortunately, it's what a good, caring woman does - you just need to know when it's time to treat yourself with that same kindness.

His situation will takes years to fix, years YOU haven't got. I know because I've been where he is: and it'll take a lot more than what you can offer him. He needs a few life altering experiences and a chat with a wise old uncle. When I was down, I needed to be in the company of men who were exactly where I wanted to be. I couldn't have laid the foundations alone or relied on a girlfriend to do it.
I agree 100%. I can't be all he needs, no matter how much I ache to be. He needs strong male companions in his life.
 
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ReesePiece23

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I agree 100%. I can't be all he needs, no matter how much I ache to be. He needs strong male companions in his life.

This is why I believe in men's groups and gentleman's clubs. Men for some odd reason are afraid of opening up to each other - and it's getting worse.

Light a cigar, pour a glass of rum, play some light jazz and ACTUALLY open up to each other. Manhood is a struggle, which is why men need to come together and get down to the nitty-gritty and help each other out a bit.
 
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ACandleInthe Shadows

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Here's the thing. I'm not judging you for this, because this is a big struggle for me and I have fallen in this trap many times. But I've learned a lot and I'm going to share what I have learned.

The most important thing is that you have never met him. You might feel like you know him. Your feelings are real. But what your feelings are based on are not. You are basing this on online conversations, video chats, and calls. You only see a fragment of someone's life. You don't have to actually deal with being in the moment with them. Yes, I know the feelings are intense. I've felt that way for people I've met online. But your feelings are still based on a fantasy.

I suspect from your post that you have a lot of issues with letting people get close to you. Perhaps you have your own share of hurt and disappointment. But you still have the natural desire to have a relationship, so you gravitate towards people far away, and are not always emotionally available. Because you can't actually meet, you'll never have to face the disappointment of meeting them and finding out that a real relationship is very different from what you created in your head. Because you can't have him, you never have to experience the letdown of the relationship not being what you hoped. You can keep hoping and hoping, and you'll never have to experience a letdown of it being different from what you hoped.

It sounds like you have a very hard time handling relationships. An online relationship is "safe". You have someone there to talk to, but you never have to deal with actually meeting them, them seeing your whole life, or negotiating things because different views arise. It's safe. It's something you can turn off when you want to retreat to your safe zone.

You've mentioned never feeling that way for anyone but him. But you've never met him in person. Ultimately, you could be spending years chasing after him, going on cycles of feeling warm and happy when things seem to going somewhere, only to crash really bad when he gets distant again. You might dream of some encounter with him, but the truth is, it's extremely unlikely to happen.

I would step back and speak with someone. You should talk over with someone why the only person you feel for is someone you have only met online. Don't waste your years (a God-given resource) chasing something that's not real.
 
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JAM2b

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Let me share my experience with you.

I've had a long term thing with a guy online that was an on and off relationship, still good friends even when it was off.

It was ALWAYS him who wanted things to be off when it was, and it's was never back on again until he wanted it back. During the "on" times, we talked about marriage a lot, but he never actually committed.

I never felt ok with completely letting go and forgetting about having a relationship until now. I think the reasons are because I truly loved him and really wanted a life with him. I think I would have had a hard time healing because I would have always doubted that letting go was the right thing, and would have wondered if he only needed more time.

When I would pray about it, it would seem as if the Lord was leading me to just wait. Don't move forward, don't back out, just wait. So I waited, while I endured days of Hope and feeling loved followed by disappointment and heartache, again and again. I think God wanted me to wait because if I tried to back out before I was sure and had seen for myself, I would have had a long and difficult recovery and would have doubted and regretted the decision. But now I know, I am sure, and I'm ok with it. Exits don't have to be sudden or dramatic.

Eventually, I met him in person. I found out that years of knowing someone online is nothing compared to spending one day with them in person. All you can know about them online is information, how they communicate online, and how this online persona makes you feel. When you are with them face-to-face, you see all their dimensions. This isn't necessarily bad. In some ways he was far better than I realized, in other ways he was worse than I thought, and then there are things I never even realized about him (and some of those were good and some of those were bad). I'm sure he could say the same about me. Most people are not as perfect as we hope or as horrible as we fear. . ...This was after 10 years of knowing him online and through texts and phone calls!!!

My point is, if you ever meet this guy, he may turn out to be someone different than you think, whether that be good or bad, and it's probably going to be a mixture of both. No one is perfect, right?

It's not that manipulation is necessarily intentional, but there is only so much you can know when you have never actually met. So your mind and emotions either fill in the gaps or ignores them.

So now that I really know him, I care about him more deeply than I used to, but I'm not really "in love" with him at this point. I think that love could be rekindled, but it's not something that I'm trying make happen.

Knowing all this now, I can let go. I can move on into life without him. I can see myself falling for someone else or even being content without someone. I'm sure there's more healing to come and more moving on to do, and I'm ok that.

This could all change, but it would take a lot for me to trust it. He would have to do a lot of work and a lot of proving himself for a significant period of time.

The irony is we are platonically sharing a place now. It's for practical reasons and we were platonic at the time he moved in. We don't share a bedroom, we don't see each other naked, we don't even watch TV or eat together most of the time. We sometimes literally go days without speaking, and we live together!!

I don't hate him. I'm not angry. I'm not feeling an aversion to him. I'm not trying to run him off. I'm also not desperately trying to keep him in my life. He could stay or go, and I would be ok.
 
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pinkjess

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Let me share my experience with you.

I've had a long term thing with a guy online that was an on and off relationship, still good friends even when it was off.

It was ALWAYS him who wanted things to be off when it was, and it's was never back on again until he wanted it back. During the "on" times, we talked about marriage a lot, but he never actually committed.

I never felt ok with completely letting go and forgetting about having a relationship until now. I think the reasons are because I truly loved him and really wanted a life with him. I think I would have had a hard time healing because I would have always doubted that letting go was the right thing, and would have wondered if he only needed more time.

When I would pray about it, it would seem as if the Lord was leading me to just wait. Don't move forward, don't back out, just wait. So I waited, while I endured days of Hope and feeling loved followed by disappointment and heartache, again and again. I think God wanted me to wait because if I tried to back out before I was sure and had seen for myself, I would have had a long and difficult recovery and would have doubted and regretted the decision. But now I know, I am sure, and I'm ok with it. Exits don't have to be sudden or dramatic.

Eventually, I met him in person. I found out that years of knowing someone online is nothing compared to spending one day with them in person. All you can know about them online is information, how they communicate online, and how this online persona makes you feel. When you are with them face-to-face, you see all their dimensions. This isn't necessarily bad. In some ways he was far better than I realized, in other ways he was worse than I thought, and then there are things I never even realized about him (and some of those were good and some of those were bad). I'm sure he could say the same about me. Most people are not as perfect as we hope or as horrible as we fear. . ...This was after 10 years of knowing him online and through texts and phone calls!!!

My point is, if you ever meet this guy, he may turn out to be someone different than you think, whether that be good or bad, and it's probably going to be a mixture of both. No one is perfect, right?

It's not that manipulation is necessarily intentional, but there is only so much you can know when you have never actually met. So your mind and emotions either fill in the gaps or ignores them.

So now that I really know him, I care about him more deeply than I used to, but I'm not really "in love" with him at this point. I think that love could be rekindled, but it's not something that I'm trying make happen.

Knowing all this now, I can let go. I can move on into life without him. I can see myself falling for someone else or even being content without someone. I'm sure there's more healing to come and more moving on to do, and I'm ok that.

This could all change, but it would take a lot for me to trust it. He would have to do a lot of work and a lot of proving himself for a significant period of time.

The irony is we are platonically sharing a place now. It's for practical reasons and we were platonic at the time he moved in. We don't share a bedroom, we don't see each other naked, we don't even watch TV or eat together most of the time. We sometimes literally go days without speaking, and we live together!!

I don't hate him. I'm not angry. I'm not feeling an aversion to him. I'm not trying to run him off. I'm also not desperately trying to keep him in my life. He could stay or go, and I would be ok.
This is really insightful. I'm glad to read a first hand experience from someone who's gone through what I've been through instead of telling me platitudes and that I'll get over it
 
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pinkjess

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Here's the thing. I'm not judging you for this, because this is a big struggle for me and I have fallen in this trap many times. But I've learned a lot and I'm going to share what I have learned.

The most important thing is that you have never met him. You might feel like you know him. Your feelings are real. But what your feelings are based on are not. You are basing this on online conversations, video chats, and calls. You only see a fragment of someone's life. You don't have to actually deal with being in the moment with them. Yes, I know the feelings are intense. I've felt that way for people I've met online. But your feelings are still based on a fantasy.

I suspect from your post that you have a lot of issues with letting people get close to you. Perhaps you have your own share of hurt and disappointment. But you still have the natural desire to have a relationship, so you gravitate towards people far away, and are not always emotionally available. Because you can't actually meet, you'll never have to face the disappointment of meeting them and finding out that a real relationship is very different from what you created in your head. Because you can't have him, you never have to experience the letdown of the relationship not being what you hoped. You can keep hoping and hoping, and you'll never have to experience a letdown of it being different from what you hoped.

It sounds like you have a very hard time handling relationships. An online relationship is "safe". You have someone there to talk to, but you never have to deal with actually meeting them, them seeing your whole life, or negotiating things because different views arise. It's safe. It's something you can turn off when you want to retreat to your safe zone.

You've mentioned never feeling that way for anyone but him. But you've never met him in person. Ultimately, you could be spending years chasing after him, going on cycles of feeling warm and happy when things seem to going somewhere, only to crash really bad when he gets distant again. You might dream of some encounter with him, but the truth is, it's extremely unlikely to happen.

I would step back and speak with someone. You should talk over with someone why the only person you feel for is someone you have only met online. Don't waste your years (a God-given resource) chasing something that's not real.
Dang this hurts. But I know its true. Thank you
 
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