Jokes thread

Sorry about the international baiting but ...

An Aussie and an American were fishing together on a lake.

The Aussie said to the Yank: "My dog's amazing. He can do anything."

"So can mine" said the Yank.

"Oh, yeah? Then watch this!" said the Aussie.

He whispered in the his dog's ear and it quickly jumped overboard into the lake, swam ashore, ran up the bank to the Aussie's car, jumped in through the window, opened the esky, got a can of beer in its mouth, jumped out the window, swam back to the boat and, without losing the beer, scrambled into the dinghy and dropped the beer at the Aussie's feet.

"Not bad" said the Yank, "now have a look at my dog!"

He whispered in the his dog's ear and the Yank's dog jumped overboard, but instead of going into the water, the dog walked across the top of the lake, not even getting wet. It reached the bank, up to the car, jumped in through the window, got another beer, out the window, down to the lake, and walked back across the surface of the water, jumped into the boat and dropped the beer at the Yank's feet.

"Did you notice anything different?" asked the Yank.

"Sure did", said the Aussie, "your dog can't swim!"

While I'm on the subject of Australian humour, I vaguely remember reading this anecdote by a retired journalist (if journalists ever retire) called Lawrie Kavanagh.

It seems he was on an outback trip as a young gun reporter, ready to set the world on fire, when he came across a car upside down on its roof, with an old bushie standing next to it. with some blood on his face, but otherwise not seeming to be badly injured.

Kavanagh wound down his window (no electric windows in those days or air conditioning) and yelled out "'Ave an accident mate?"

The old bloke gave him this weary cynical look, took out a tobacco pouch, and started to roll a cigarette.

"Nah" he said, "It needed a grease and oil change and it's easier this way!"

A bloke who'd been arrested was sitting in a Sydney police station waiting to be charged, when a young constable walked in an approached the counter.

"Er, sarge" said the Constable, "Um, we've just been given a report of a dead buffalo that's been hit by a truck lying in the middle of Quatta Quaneska Lane."

"Well, write up a report, Constable" said the Desk Sergeant.

So the constable sat on the bench next to the bloke, got out his clipboard and a pen, and began filling in a report form.

"Found" he wrote, "one buffalo, dead, in brackets, lying in Quatta Quaneska Lane' Tha's QUATE ... No, QATT .. No, QUADDE .. No, that's not right either. Hey, Sarge, he continued ... How do you spell 'Quatta Quaneska'?"

The Sergeant said "You're a copper aren't you?? Find out yourself!"

So the Constable sat for a while, then put down the clipboard and pen, and walked out the door. He was back in about half an hour, covered in blood, dirt, manure and sweat.

"Gawd!" said the bloke, who'd been sitting there all along, "What have you been doing?"

"Well" said the young policeman, "I've been dragging a dirty big dead buffalo into Pitt Street!"

A drunk staggers into a bar and yells, "Where's your restroom?" The bartender points him down the hall and the drunkard, bouncing off the walls as he goes, stumbles in and slams the door. A few minutes later, the whole barroom hears a blood curdling scream coming from the restroom followed by a second one a few seconds later. The bartender knocks on the door and asks, "Are you alright in there?" The drunks yelled back, "Everytime I try to flush this thing, something reaches up and grabs me!" The bartender opened the door and peeked inside and said, "No wonder, you're sitting on the mop bucket."

So many coronavirus jokes out there, it’s a pundemic.

They said a mask and gloves were enough to go to the supermarket. They lied, everyone else had clothes on.

A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight," he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."

A father and his young daughter were watching a storm outside through a window.

The little girl asked him, "Daddy, what's thunder?"

"I dunno" said her father.

She said, "Daddy, where does lightning come from?"

He replied "I dunno".

She asked "Daddy, where does rain go?"

"I dunno" said her father.

"Daddy" she said, "do you mind me asking all these questions?"

"Of course not, darling" he replied. "How else are you going to learn anything?"

As a lifelong hypochondriac, watching everyone freak out over coronavirus makes me feel so seen.

Two old blokes were on a tractor. They drove it across the paddock, and, without looking for traffic, continued straight out onto the highway.

A young man in a Porsche was doing around 200km on the clock. He came flying around the bend, saw the tractor, swerved left to miss it, crashed through a paddock fence, did huge circle in the paddock, smashed back through the fence up the other end, back out onto the highway and kept tearing off up the road.

One of the old blokes on the tractor turned to the other and said "Jeez, Bert, we only just got out of that paddock in time!"

The Jumbo Jet was on the runway at Sydney Airport, but the pilots hadn't turned up. The passengers and crew were getting restive, but then the back door opened and two officers got on.

Trouble was they were wearing dark glasses and each had a white cane. They slowly made their way up to the cockpit, bumping into the passengers and flight crew, fumbled the door open and went inside.

The staff and crew were aghast! A blind pilot and co-pilot!

But then the engines started and a couple of minutes later the captain's voice came over the speaker.

"Hello. I'm Captain Bertie and my Co-Pilot is Freddie. We will be taking off in five minutes for Hawaii."

Two blind pilots all the way to Hawaii! Everyone was freaking out!

But then the plane started to move, picked up speed, and kept going on the runway. And kept going. And kept going.

Just as everyone thought they were going to crash into Botany Bay they let out this almighty collective scream!

And as they did, the Jumbo Jet took off in a faultless climb and turned toward Hawaii.

Up in the cabin, Captain Bertie tapped his copilot on the arm, and said "You know, Freddie, one of these days they're going to scream too late, and we'll crash, and we'll all be killed!!"

-Definition of irony- When the Year of the Rat starts with a plague.

A bit off colour maybe but it does mention toilet paper, which seems to be the centre piece of many a conversation these days.

&&&&&&

A bloke was playing golf. As he walked down the fairway, he heard a voice coming from a nearby shrub.

"Hey buddy" said a plaintive voice, "Have you got any toilet paper?"

"No" said the bloke.

"Hey buddy" the voice whined, "Have you got any newspaper?"

"No, I haven't" said the bloke a bit more firmly.

There was a brief silence, and then the voice came again.

"Hey buddy" said the voice, "Have you got two fives for a ten?"

A woman took her son to the doctor because he was tired all the time and kept catching colds. The doctor asked about the child's diet.

"All he eats is snooker balls," said Mum.

The doctor was amazed. "Snooker balls??!" he asked.

"Yes, that's right" she said. "For breakfast he'll have three reds and a brown. For lunch he'll have four reds, a pink, a yellow and blue. And for dinner, he'll have the black, and five or six reds".

"Well, there's your trouble," said the doctor. "Not enough greens".

What do you call a letter of the alphabet when it grows a beard and starts preaching lies?

....A HAIRY C!

A bloke from the bush got work in the city on a building site. He saw an ad in the paper offering a room and meals for $100 a week (er ... this was a long time ago...). So he turned up on the doorstep, rang the doorbell and a woman came to the door.

"All meals?" he asked.

"Yes" she said.

So he moved in. The next morning he awoke to find his breakfast on the table and his lunch, a salad sandwich, wrapped in foil to take to work. When he got home that night, the woman said "How was lunch?"

He said, "Lovely, but not enough."

The next morning she'd made him three peanut butter sandwiches. Off he went to work. That night she asked him how lunch was today.

"Lovely," he said, "but not enough."

So the next morning she made him four vegemite sandwiches and eight cheese sandwiches.

Off he went, and that night the woman asked again: "How was lunch?"

"Very nice" he said, "but still not enough".

She thought, "I'll fix this mongrel!" She went down to the supermarket and bought a French stick that was eight feet long if it was an inch, and into it she put a gallon of butter, three heads of lettuce, fourteen cans of beetroot, two pounds of ham, twelve tins of sardines, four jars of pickles, nine cucumbers, twenty-one tomatoes, sixteen slices of cheese, half a mullet, and a parsnip!! She gave it to him the next morning wrapped in foil, and he went off to work. That night she asked him how it was.

"Lovely" he said, "but I see you're back to one sandwich again!"

A drunk was standing on the street in front of a jewellery store that had just been robbed. The coppers arrived and questioned him.

"Did you do it?" they asked.

"No" said the drunk.

"Did you see who did it?" they asked.

"Yes" said the drunk.

"Well, who was it?" they asked.

He said, "A car pulled up, and an elephant jumped out, smashed the shop window, grabbed the stuff, and took off again."

The coppers said, "Can you describe the elephant?"

"An elephant is an elephant" said the drunk.

"On the contrary" said the cops, "Indian elephants have big ears and African elephants have small ears."

The drunk said, "I still don't know"

They said "Why not?"

He said "He was wearing a stocking over his head."