I don't know what is wrong with me!

Obsidi5

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Hello,

Please help. I am quite tired of the way that I am, and I am lost for why I am stuck in the same season of spiritual growth for almost a year. I can answer questions too if that will help figure this out.

TL;DR - Used to be very 'on fire', now I hate having to read the bible, sinful mind taking over. Dealing with spirit of lust. Have a dislike for God that just won't go away, would prefer to be an atheist and be 'free' sometimes rather than submit to God but I know I will just be in bondage to evil and I want to be a true Christian. Been on and off the 'read bible and pray' lifestyle keep falling off and falling back into laziness. No idea why this is so hard!


Please help.
In the beginning I was only focused on God, was fasting and praying regularly and devoted. My heart was in the right place. I was still a bit rude, lustful, vain, but I only focused on my Christian life and my JOY was with God.
Then I had a proble with my skin, and I started to obsess over it. I think this might have been the point where I started to care more about something than God.
That took away all of my attention and focus because it made me feel so insecure.

Slowly my Christian life has declined. I was reverent, serious about my faith, hungry, I had to force myself even then but I would wake up, pray, worship, and read the bible every moring.

Now, my mind is 10% 'I want a boyfriend to be a cute couple with' (I know this is just from lust), 70% 'I want my skin to be better/working on my aesthetics (googling solutions is an addiction sometimes, I wish I didn't care so much), and the rest just procrastination and feeing depressed that my Christian life is so bad.

And I hate it. I hate that I'm not on fire for God anymore. I hate having to drag myself by the tooth and nail to do anything spiritual, like a laziness and reluctance washes over me at the thought of reading the bible or praying on my knees. My mind craves after beauty and music I shouldn't be listening to and living a carefree, party and fun filled life away from spiritual discipline and following Christ. E.g I want to wokout for a bigger butt to look prettier, aparently Christian can't do that, and that has been so annoying and 'Urgh hate being a Christian sometimes' for me.
When I read the bible, I literally fall asleep after, it exausts me. But if I make myself pray really hard then I read then I can read for a long time.

FYI not a day has gone by where I have not prayed since I was saved, even just a 1 min prayer. I feel like I am ignoring God if I do, and it is a habit. I have read a lot of the bible and remembered some of it. Maybe I have not read the bible enough and it has not been able to change me yet?

And the GUILT. I literally feel bad about everything I am doing everyday. Feel bad for how bad I am at being a good Christian, my life choices, for not praying on my knees sometimes, for putting too much sugar in my tea, for not being a good Christian most especially, not holy enough, literslly for everything. I walk around with a guilty, or conviction, idk saying 'you should be better than this', 'you are wasting away your Christian life', and just generally feeling bad about how I am in my faith and how far away I am from who I was in the beginning and who I am. Anything to do with God (bible quote, video, picture makes me feel guilt and I scroll past it.

And I get jealous seeing younger Christians who ar deep in faith! Really jealous. And upset at 'imperfect' Christians (I am fundamentalist/legalist at times) and seeing girls in crop tops and guys in muscle exposing shirts who love God so much confuses me as to why that's not me too, covered up me.

I jusr don't want to get to Heaven and get a pass or a reckoning from God, or on Earth either. I want to change and be a good Christian, to spread the word so people knownthe truth, to not live in my fantasy bubble and be free from demonic torment but I'm still so reluctant to push and give God more of my time. My Christian life is anything but joyful - it is stressful, depressing, and exhausting, and just plain ol boring.
Am I doing something wrong??

This issue (as well as my general lack of enthusiasm to do any hard work, like washing dishes or studying) has been the most depressing cycle that I thought would go as a Christian but I'm still the same just add procrastination and lack of desire to my faith also.

I feel that if I can keep on just forcing myself to read the bible and pray, as often as I can, avoid sin as much as possible, for a long period of time then my mind and heart will change and I will love God more or at least be more hungry for not have to be a Christian merely from worry/obedience, than I am now.

Sorry this is so long, thank you.
 

Obsidi5

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You mentioned since you got saved.
When and where was that?

Just asking because,
I don't know when or where.

M-Bob

Hi, thanks for your reply. First at home where I told realised God is real/I'll be a Christian (was an atheist/pagan before). Then at my deliverace where I said the declaration of faith.
 
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8484838

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Hi, thanks for your reply. First at home where I told realised God is real/I'll be a Christian (was an atheist/pagan before). Then at my deliverace where I said the declaration of faith.
You can't be saved twice, friend. Just fyi
 
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Mountainmanbob

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You are welcome.
This is a to the point sermon below.
Might answer some questions for you.
Don't give up as you finish the good race.
M-Bob

It's a tough one with a lot of meat.
Sometimes that's what we need.
 
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Tolworth John

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Please help.
In the beginning I was only focused on God, was fasting and praying regularly and devoted. My heart was in the right place. I was still a bit rude, lustful, vain, but I only focused on my Christian life and my JOY was with God.
Then I had a proble with my skin, and I started to obsess over it. I think this might have been the point where I started to care more about something than God.
That took away all of my attention and focus because it made me feel so insecure.

Slowly my Christian life has declined. I was reverent, serious about my faith, hungry, I had to force myself even then but I would wake up, pray, worship, and read the bible every moring.

May I ask whether you have ocd or similar health problems?

It is a known problem that life goes in cycles, everything from the cycle of the seasons down to the day and night cycle.
It effects our moods and our enthusiasm's we go in cycles.

So if you have ocd talk to your therapist about help coping with it, if you don't have ocd, relax and soldiers on.
Try a different reading scheme, try keeping a diary of what you have read, what struck you in the passage and why, record what you prayed about.
Seek different things to pray about, start following caring for life in Leeds and praying for them.
Start writing or messaging a missionary your church supports and praying for them.

Try listening to different sermons, the Dr Martin Lloyd Jones trust has loads of very analytical sermons or try st Helens Bishopsgate, London .

Sometimes we need a change.
 
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Kolleen

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Hi there,

Nothing is wrong with you don’t prejudge yourself. Admit that we are all sinners. You’re just drifted from God a-bit. I suggest you to try sit down one day with peace in your heart and just pray and talk to God about this. Put this issue in his hand and asked for His help for your salvation back.

By the way wanting to be beautiful Eg prettier and big butt is not wrong. It’s just how the society affects us. But please note that God created you and he sees the perfect in you, therefore you should see it too.

Also being Christian doesn’t mean that everything will work out with joy. The Bible is a great example where many people did not have a perfect life. Many Christians suffer, but keep in mind once we go to heaven everything will be wonder there. We are just at stage 1 living in this world.

Because I’m not spiritually mature but as a suggestion as I’ve been through something similar in the past. I think taking a break would help you reflect. But make sure you still put God first and don’t forget about him. :)
 
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Porpoise

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What you're describing is common, actually. In the beginning, Christians often experience good feelings during prayer and feel passionate about serving God. But then, after a time, they go through a period where they don't have these feelings, and they feel like they aren't serving God, even though they try very hard to. This period is temporary and very important for one's spiritual development. You can read more about it here: Catholic Treasury | Dark Night of the Soul
 
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Obsidi5

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I am just being quiet, depending on God. How much do you depend on yourself? That could have something to do with it.

I feel like God wants me to do more and go back to the Christian that I was in the beginning (devoted, reverent, holy). That takes work. I'm running away from it because life is pretty comfy for me right now and I'm scared God won't allow me to do things I like anymore e.g play games, focus on my beauty routine. That especially, I am a skincareholic but I've calmed it down now to focus.
But I have problems with staying on track in holiness e.g staying consistent in deep prayer and bible reading, I get confused a lot on what I should do or be, so I honestly... cant 'rest'and let God take control. If I stop praying for a day, sin takes over.
 
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Obsidi5

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What you're describing is common, actually. In the beginning, Christians often experience good feelings during prayer and feel passionate about serving God. But then, after a time, they go through a period where they don't have these feelings, and they feel like they aren't serving God, even though they try very hard to. This period is temporary and very important for one's spiritual development. You can read more about it here: Catholic Treasury | Dark Night of the Soul

I'm not Catholic so I don't really agree with this, ans it reminds me of new age philosophy. Thank you very much for your kindness in responding to this.
But I do go on YouTube and see a LOT of Christians, a lot my age, who are going through the same thing and they struggle with idolatry, lust, laziness. Makes me think we are so ruined frol this world that it just takes some souls longer to learn holiness,or we need to remove everything from our lives and focua on God, rather than the slow and steady learning that Christians undergo in a lifetime, to be able to change.
Like an agnostic friend of mine said {paraphrase}: "The only way you will ever be a really strong Christian in this world is if you isolate yourself in the mountain or somewhere and focus on God only away from the world. There is too much temptation"
 
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Obsidi5

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Hi there,

Nothing is wrong with you don’t prejudge yourself. Admit that we are all sinners. You’re just drifted from God a-bit. I suggest you to try sit down one day with peace in your heart and just pray and talk to God about this. Put this issue in his hand and asked for His help for your salvation back.

By the way wanting to be beautiful Eg prettier and big butt is not wrong. It’s just how the society affects us. But please note that God created you and he sees the perfect in you, therefore you should see it too.

Also being Christian doesn’t mean that everything will work out with joy. The Bible is a great example where many people did not have a perfect life. Many Christians suffer, but keep in mind once we go to heaven everything will be wonder there. We are just at stage 1 living in this world.

Because I’m not spiritually mature but as a suggestion as I’ve been through something similar in the past. I think taking a break would help you reflect. But make sure you still put God first and don’t forget about him. :)

I feel like taking a break would be like not working. Tbh, my absense from holy living has kind of been an extended break in itself, I pray twice a day or sometimes more, and read the bible occasionally, that's it.
I'm worried about God returning to Earth, I'm not ready, as in, I'm not bad but I ain't too good either and I feel like I'm not spiritually mature enough for Jesus right now.
 
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Obsidi5

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May I ask whether you have ocd or similar health problems?

It is a known problem that life goes in cycles, everything from the cycle of the seasons down to the day and night cycle.
It effects our moods and our enthusiasm's we go in cycles.

So if you have ocd talk to your therapist about help coping with it, if you don't have ocd, relax and soldiers on.
Try a different reading scheme, try keeping a diary of what you have read, what struck you in the passage and why, record what you prayed about.
Seek different things to pray about, start following caring for life in Leeds and praying for them.
Start writing or messaging a missionary your church supports and praying for them.

Try listening to different sermons, the Dr Martin Lloyd Jones trust has loads of very analytical sermons or try st Helens Bishopsgate, London .

Sometimes we need a change.

I have mental health issue of anxiety which can come about as fixations and obsessions. I don't know about OCD, it is not in my family anywhere.
My whole life hs been cycles of up bit, then straight down, then up a bit, like a seesaw between 'meh' and 'I hate life' with the occasional 'wow!' only recently since my depression is better. I hate my mental vulnerability and it could be leaking into my spiritual life too.
Thank you for the sermon suggestions!
 
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Obsidi5

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You are welcome.
This is a to the point sermon below.
Might answer some questions for you.
Don't give up as you finish the good race.
M-Bob

It's a tough one with a lot of meat.
Sometimes that's what we need.

Aren't we saved simply by beleiving Jesus? Otherwise horrible people like me can never have hope, I'm quite not a nice person and I know worse than me, won't we be more likley to go to hell just because we are naturally not as nice and sweet as others? So there is a natural selection process for heaven too? Unless that undermines God's power to change anybody. But still, does that mean there is a certain point of holiness to reach to truly be saved? What if repentance is difficult and the person doesn't repent in tie before they die? E.g a smoker?
Just a thought that came to mind in.
 
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Sophrosyne

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I was a Christian as a kid then backslid because of science/evolution and also an old testament type of legalism in my mind. It was when I was in my late 30s that I finally came back to God wanting to see who he was for who he really was not who I wanted him to be. The more I read the Bible the more I realized that God absolutely knows our struggles with sin and he didn't go to the cross to give us a nod in our best attire with our best foot forward being out best "good" person racking up a ton of good deeds, he went there for us at or lousiest most evil wicked selfish selves. God loves us as we are and he loves us in our most despicable condition of sin and saved us from that state unto himself. God knows that we will struggle with sin, some of us will have some sins we are freed from others will still have issues.
Put simply there is nothing wrong with being the best most attractive person you can be especially if you are to find a mate God made us such so we could attract a mate so we would have children and families. God made us to desire the opposite sex so dealing with a limited amount of lust is natural. It is when we prefer lusting to God that we end up having issues and when we turn our eyes away from him unto ourselves that we push him away.
I found in my life that I struggle with this and that but I know God is always there like the prodigal son he is thrilled to see us come back to him even if we do it often he would rather have us now and then then never have us at all.

Essentially you just need to give yourself attention and remember God in all you do. I know how it is to be insecure about myself etc but I also realize the more I trust God then less I am insecure about who I am because I realize that if God is for us.... who can be against us?
 
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Tolworth John

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I have mental health issue of anxiety which can come about as fixations and obsessions. I don't know about OCD, it is not in my family anywhere.
My whole life hs been cycles of up bit, then straight down, then up a bit, like a seesaw between 'meh' and 'I hate life' with the occasional 'wow!' only recently since my depression is better. I hate my mental vulnerability and it could be leaking into my spiritual life too.
Thank you for the sermon suggestions!

Please talk to someone about these mood swings, there are technics, other than drugging into a zombie, that can help you.
 
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com7fy8

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I feel like God wants me to do more and go back to the Christian that I was in the beginning (devoted, reverent, holy). That takes work.
God's work is what works.

I think of how Mary knew to sit at Jesus' feet and hear Him.

Have you read this? Luke 10:38-42

But Jesus does have us do things. Even so, you might also read and feed on Mark 3:14-15.

They were chosen to serve Jesus, yes, but what does it say, just before it says what He had them do?

"that they might be with Him"

"And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which also you were called in one body; and be thankful."
(Colossians 3:15)

So . . . before doing things, God desires for us to share with Him, in His peace, and discover how He personally rules each of us . . . how to be in this peace, with thinking and feelings ruled and kept in this peace > "the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus," we have in Philippians 4:6-7.

So, basic Christianity includes being with God in His peace > submitting to how He personally rules us in our
"hearts" in this peace that is almighty, since this is the peace of God who is almighty.

This almighty peace in our hearts and minds keeps us safe from unquiet and nasty and confusing stuff. This, then, is what God does . . . His work almighty in us.

"Therefore submit to God." (in James 4:7)

I am the same as you; I have no ability to get my own self to do what is good. We trust You, O God. And we pray for each other, and we have Jesus praying for us according to His faith > Jesus
"also makes intercession for us," we have in Romans 8:34. And so the prayer of Jesus will get us more and so better than all we can try to get our own selves to do.

Whatever God's word says, God is the One able to succeed in having us do this, in sharing with Him.
 
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com7fy8

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Like an agnostic friend of mine said {paraphrase}: "The only way you will ever be a really strong Christian in this world is if you isolate yourself in the mountain or somewhere and focus on God only away from the world. There is too much temptation"
What I offered above is not to be done in isolation. All by myself, I can do plenty of sinning . . . in my imagination especially . . . anywhere, any time. I'll spare the details.

And what I note is how my imagination stuff is not only what a lot of people would call sinning, wrong, lust, and trying to control people. But it has something in common > it is anti-love and keeps my attention away from how God our Father would rule me in His peace and have me caring in compassionate prayer and family sharing with people with generous forgiving.

So, yes Jesus did go alone to pray, but Jesus did not stay by Himself, did He?

Right "in the midst of" this evil world's "crooked and perverse generation" we can do all God says > including >

"Do all things without complaining and disputing, that you may become blameless and harmless, children of God without fault in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation" (in Philippians 2:13-16).

"You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies" (in Psalm 23:5).
 
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