Hello,
Please help. I am quite tired of the way that I am, and I am lost for why I am stuck in the same season of spiritual growth for almost a year. I can answer questions too if that will help figure this out.
TL;DR - Used to be very 'on fire', now I hate having to read the bible, sinful mind taking over. Dealing with spirit of lust. Have a dislike for God that just won't go away, would prefer to be an atheist and be 'free' sometimes rather than submit to God but I know I will just be in bondage to evil and I want to be a true Christian. Been on and off the 'read bible and pray' lifestyle keep falling off and falling back into laziness. No idea why this is so hard!
Please help.
In the beginning I was only focused on God, was fasting and praying regularly and devoted. My heart was in the right place. I was still a bit rude, lustful, vain, but I only focused on my Christian life and my JOY was with God.
Then I had a proble with my skin, and I started to obsess over it. I think this might have been the point where I started to care more about something than God.
That took away all of my attention and focus because it made me feel so insecure.
Slowly my Christian life has declined. I was reverent, serious about my faith, hungry, I had to force myself even then but I would wake up, pray, worship, and read the bible every moring.
Now, my mind is 10% 'I want a boyfriend to be a cute couple with' (I know this is just from lust), 70% 'I want my skin to be better/working on my aesthetics (googling solutions is an addiction sometimes, I wish I didn't care so much), and the rest just procrastination and feeing depressed that my Christian life is so bad.
And I hate it. I hate that I'm not on fire for God anymore. I hate having to drag myself by the tooth and nail to do anything spiritual, like a laziness and reluctance washes over me at the thought of reading the bible or praying on my knees. My mind craves after beauty and music I shouldn't be listening to and living a carefree, party and fun filled life away from spiritual discipline and following Christ. E.g I want to wokout for a bigger butt to look prettier, aparently Christian can't do that, and that has been so annoying and 'Urgh hate being a Christian sometimes' for me.
When I read the bible, I literally fall asleep after, it exausts me. But if I make myself pray really hard then I read then I can read for a long time.
FYI not a day has gone by where I have not prayed since I was saved, even just a 1 min prayer. I feel like I am ignoring God if I do, and it is a habit. I have read a lot of the bible and remembered some of it. Maybe I have not read the bible enough and it has not been able to change me yet?
And the GUILT. I literally feel bad about everything I am doing everyday. Feel bad for how bad I am at being a good Christian, my life choices, for not praying on my knees sometimes, for putting too much sugar in my tea, for not being a good Christian most especially, not holy enough, literslly for everything. I walk around with a guilty, or conviction, idk saying 'you should be better than this', 'you are wasting away your Christian life', and just generally feeling bad about how I am in my faith and how far away I am from who I was in the beginning and who I am. Anything to do with God (bible quote, video, picture makes me feel guilt and I scroll past it.
And I get jealous seeing younger Christians who ar deep in faith! Really jealous. And upset at 'imperfect' Christians (I am fundamentalist/legalist at times) and seeing girls in crop tops and guys in muscle exposing shirts who love God so much confuses me as to why that's not me too, covered up me.
I jusr don't want to get to Heaven and get a pass or a reckoning from God, or on Earth either. I want to change and be a good Christian, to spread the word so people knownthe truth, to not live in my fantasy bubble and be free from demonic torment but I'm still so reluctant to push and give God more of my time. My Christian life is anything but joyful - it is stressful, depressing, and exhausting, and just plain ol boring.
Am I doing something wrong??
This issue (as well as my general lack of enthusiasm to do any hard work, like washing dishes or studying) has been the most depressing cycle that I thought would go as a Christian but I'm still the same just add procrastination and lack of desire to my faith also.
I feel that if I can keep on just forcing myself to read the bible and pray, as often as I can, avoid sin as much as possible, for a long period of time then my mind and heart will change and I will love God more or at least be more hungry for not have to be a Christian merely from worry/obedience, than I am now.
Sorry this is so long, thank you.
Please help. I am quite tired of the way that I am, and I am lost for why I am stuck in the same season of spiritual growth for almost a year. I can answer questions too if that will help figure this out.
TL;DR - Used to be very 'on fire', now I hate having to read the bible, sinful mind taking over. Dealing with spirit of lust. Have a dislike for God that just won't go away, would prefer to be an atheist and be 'free' sometimes rather than submit to God but I know I will just be in bondage to evil and I want to be a true Christian. Been on and off the 'read bible and pray' lifestyle keep falling off and falling back into laziness. No idea why this is so hard!
Please help.
In the beginning I was only focused on God, was fasting and praying regularly and devoted. My heart was in the right place. I was still a bit rude, lustful, vain, but I only focused on my Christian life and my JOY was with God.
Then I had a proble with my skin, and I started to obsess over it. I think this might have been the point where I started to care more about something than God.
That took away all of my attention and focus because it made me feel so insecure.
Slowly my Christian life has declined. I was reverent, serious about my faith, hungry, I had to force myself even then but I would wake up, pray, worship, and read the bible every moring.
Now, my mind is 10% 'I want a boyfriend to be a cute couple with' (I know this is just from lust), 70% 'I want my skin to be better/working on my aesthetics (googling solutions is an addiction sometimes, I wish I didn't care so much), and the rest just procrastination and feeing depressed that my Christian life is so bad.
And I hate it. I hate that I'm not on fire for God anymore. I hate having to drag myself by the tooth and nail to do anything spiritual, like a laziness and reluctance washes over me at the thought of reading the bible or praying on my knees. My mind craves after beauty and music I shouldn't be listening to and living a carefree, party and fun filled life away from spiritual discipline and following Christ. E.g I want to wokout for a bigger butt to look prettier, aparently Christian can't do that, and that has been so annoying and 'Urgh hate being a Christian sometimes' for me.
When I read the bible, I literally fall asleep after, it exausts me. But if I make myself pray really hard then I read then I can read for a long time.
FYI not a day has gone by where I have not prayed since I was saved, even just a 1 min prayer. I feel like I am ignoring God if I do, and it is a habit. I have read a lot of the bible and remembered some of it. Maybe I have not read the bible enough and it has not been able to change me yet?
And the GUILT. I literally feel bad about everything I am doing everyday. Feel bad for how bad I am at being a good Christian, my life choices, for not praying on my knees sometimes, for putting too much sugar in my tea, for not being a good Christian most especially, not holy enough, literslly for everything. I walk around with a guilty, or conviction, idk saying 'you should be better than this', 'you are wasting away your Christian life', and just generally feeling bad about how I am in my faith and how far away I am from who I was in the beginning and who I am. Anything to do with God (bible quote, video, picture makes me feel guilt and I scroll past it.
And I get jealous seeing younger Christians who ar deep in faith! Really jealous. And upset at 'imperfect' Christians (I am fundamentalist/legalist at times) and seeing girls in crop tops and guys in muscle exposing shirts who love God so much confuses me as to why that's not me too, covered up me.
I jusr don't want to get to Heaven and get a pass or a reckoning from God, or on Earth either. I want to change and be a good Christian, to spread the word so people knownthe truth, to not live in my fantasy bubble and be free from demonic torment but I'm still so reluctant to push and give God more of my time. My Christian life is anything but joyful - it is stressful, depressing, and exhausting, and just plain ol boring.
Am I doing something wrong??
This issue (as well as my general lack of enthusiasm to do any hard work, like washing dishes or studying) has been the most depressing cycle that I thought would go as a Christian but I'm still the same just add procrastination and lack of desire to my faith also.
I feel that if I can keep on just forcing myself to read the bible and pray, as often as I can, avoid sin as much as possible, for a long period of time then my mind and heart will change and I will love God more or at least be more hungry for not have to be a Christian merely from worry/obedience, than I am now.
Sorry this is so long, thank you.