I've been plagued by blasphemous thoughts since October last year, the month after I was baptized. Scrupulosity already was an issue before that (compulsively burning candles, I could only pray in a certain position on a certain place in a certain matter and I always had to wash my hands before I started) but after these compulsions ebbed away I started being plagued by continues blasphemous thoughts and images. I read about the unforgivable sin of blaspheming the Holy Spirit around that time (not knowing exactly how that worked) and every time I had to focus my mind on something a compulsive voice in my head would start to utter ''f- the Holy Spirit'' (even writing this feels kind of uncomfortable, so I haven't typed out the entire word). After this I started to get images popping up in my head in which I physically harmed Jesus (kicking him, spitting in his face). Talking about it with my parents and counselors and praying certainly helped to get rid of these horrible images. But after these images had ceased from my mind the almost uncontrollable voice sprung up again.
''Bow to Satan''
''Ac curse Jesus''
''Ac curse the entire Godhead''
''Cancerous God, what did he ever do for me/you''
''Godd-''
And so on.
Another fear that plagues me is continuous doubt of if I'm actually saved or not. The OCD can drive me into legalistic tendencies in order to control my own salvation (which I know is nonsense), and I still notice a lot of works of the flesh in my life. Chapter 7 of the Gospel of Matthew makes me very nervous which makes it harder to trust God. What if I think that I'm saved but in reality I'm just deceiving myself the entire time? Can I trust in Jesus as my savior if my life and heart does not show for it? I absolutely do not want to spend an eternity in the lake of fire completely separated from God even when I know I deserve it.
I've been taking medication for the last 2 1/2 weeks to calm my mind. The enormous mood swings these doubts caused are numbed but the cursing and the doubts are still as present. How can I completely trust in Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior without the OCD and the pride trying to earn salvation for itself? How can I stop the cursing if it's absolutely uncontrollable most of the time?
''Bow to Satan''
''Ac curse Jesus''
''Ac curse the entire Godhead''
''Cancerous God, what did he ever do for me/you''
''Godd-''
And so on.
Another fear that plagues me is continuous doubt of if I'm actually saved or not. The OCD can drive me into legalistic tendencies in order to control my own salvation (which I know is nonsense), and I still notice a lot of works of the flesh in my life. Chapter 7 of the Gospel of Matthew makes me very nervous which makes it harder to trust God. What if I think that I'm saved but in reality I'm just deceiving myself the entire time? Can I trust in Jesus as my savior if my life and heart does not show for it? I absolutely do not want to spend an eternity in the lake of fire completely separated from God even when I know I deserve it.
I've been taking medication for the last 2 1/2 weeks to calm my mind. The enormous mood swings these doubts caused are numbed but the cursing and the doubts are still as present. How can I completely trust in Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior without the OCD and the pride trying to earn salvation for itself? How can I stop the cursing if it's absolutely uncontrollable most of the time?