My fiancee is at it again...

Heartofsilver · Jan 23, 2020

Hello everyone,

Last night my fiancee texted me that he was anxious so I called him. He then proceeded to tell me that he was feeling really anxious about our engagement and feeling like where doing things too soon such as the engagement party and photos. Another reason why he is feeling anxious is because, he's about to start a new job in a neighboring city. I'm just feeling very frustrated because, I feel he is hitting the brakes on what we're currently doing and what we've been talking about for a while now with him and I and also our family and friends. So we are getting married next year and I am currently in school and I'm wanting to take it slow but, also break some of this up into pieces. I was hoping that this year we would do our engagement stuff and that we would do it in the spring. I let him pick when we're gonna have the wedding and what season and so, I thought maybe this was fair for me to pick when we are doing the engagement stuff. I usually let him make the decisions on things that we do but I feel like there's times where I would like to make a decision but, that does not always happen because of his anxiety. We both experience anxiety due to our disabilities. So, I'm frustrated also because, he's going off of what my dad is saying when it comes to my dad allowing me to continue to stay in my apartment that he's paying for while I'm in school. My problem with this is that I have abusive and controlling parents and I'm just letting them pay for my place until I'm out of school. Which I am graduating in a year and our wedding isn't about a year and a half to two years. I'm just frustrated because, my fiance also just does not understand that I no longer want to have my dad paying for my place. I want my fiancee and I to move into an affordable house or rent one so, that my dad no longer has to pay. I have tried explaining this to my fiancee multiple times and he is just so trusting of people because, he comes from a family that is not like mine. It is also very hard to explain things to him when he is feeling so anxious. He also expressed to me last night that he is very forgetful and they he forgets simple tasks and even forgets certain things about me. Which I understand that's like and also I can be a very forgetful person especially when I'm very busy. I remember that I started noticing him getting anxious last night when I mentioned that I had found a dress and some boots for us to take engagement photos. Which I have to order soon because, I have to order them before spring so, that they get here on time. But I'm questioning should I even buy the outfit right now? Part of me is afraid that he's going try to move the dates of the engagement photos when I really wanted them in the spring this year. I was really wanting to do the engagement stuff this year and then do more of the wedding stuff and finding a place to live even more so next year. I wanted to do the easier stuff while I'm in school and do some of the tougher stuff after I graduated which also involves going on a vacation with my sisters next year. There is just so much going on with planning so many different things and me going to school and having to deal with my abusive parents and my fiancee is mostly out of that stuff when it comes to planning and also when it comes to not actually having to deal with my parents the way I have to because, they're abusing me and not him. He knows that they abuse me and he knows that my dad's very controlling. I really try not to set my dad off and I actually really don't want to talk to my family even though they are paying for my Room and board while I'm going to school. They are sadly not safe people. I am puzzled on what I should do next. It's like should I continue to go forward with my plans for engagement photos and party? Or should we stop altogether until next year where we will probably have only 9 months to prepare everything from the engagement photos all the way up to the wedding? My fiance is saying that for the next couple weeks he does not want talk about anything to do with our engagement or the wedding. And I think a part of this has to do with him transitioning to his new job in the neighboring city. In times like these it really does make me feel like he is hitting the brakes on the plans that we're doing and also makes me wonder if he wants to be engaged or married especially when he is the one who proposed to me.

Please pray for us and any Christian counsel and advice is appreciated.

pdudgeon · Jan 23, 2020

Since you are planning so far out from the wedding date, I would say yes, definitely let him move first and take at least 6 months to get settled into the new city and the new job.

It's important to let him have this transition time, so that he can establish a solid base that he is comfortable with. That way he won't feel like he's in a circus juggling everything all at once.

Marriage is a huge move to make in one's life. So you both want to go into it with as firm a foundation and partnership as you possibly can have.

That said, make the preliminary plans now so that you are on the same page, but wait until after you have both moved and are settled before setting and confirming any dates.

Lady Donna Marie · Jan 23, 2020

GaveMeJoy · Jan 23, 2020

Heartofsilver said:
Hello everyone,

Last night my fiancee texted me that he was anxious so I called him. He then proceeded to tell me that he was feeling really anxious about our engagement and feeling like where doing things too soon such as the engagement party and photos. Another reason why he is feeling anxious is because, he's about to start a new job in a neighboring city. I'm just feeling very frustrated because, I feel he is hitting the brakes on what we're currently doing and what we've been talking about for a while now with him and I and also our family and friends. So we are getting married next year and I am currently in school and I'm wanting to take it slow but, also break some of this up into pieces. I was hoping that this year we would do our engagement stuff and that we would do it in the spring. I let him pick when we're gonna have the wedding and what season and so, I thought maybe this was fair for me to pick when we are doing the engagement stuff. I usually let him make the decisions on things that we do but I feel like there's times where I would like to make a decision but, that does not always happen because of his anxiety. We both experience anxiety due to our disabilities. So, I'm frustrated also because, he's going off of what my dad is saying when it comes to my dad allowing me to continue to stay in my apartment that he's paying for while I'm in school. My problem with this is that I have abusive and controlling parents and I'm just letting them pay for my place until I'm out of school. Which I am graduating in a year and our wedding isn't about a year and a half to two years. I'm just frustrated because, my fiance also just does not understand that I no longer want to have my dad paying for my place. I want my fiancee and I to move into an affordable house or rent one so, that my dad no longer has to pay. I have tried explaining this to my fiancee multiple times and he is just so trusting of people because, he comes from a family that is not like mine. It is also very hard to explain things to him when he is feeling so anxious. He also expressed to me last night that he is very forgetful and they he forgets simple tasks and even forgets certain things about me. Which I understand that's like and also I can be a very forgetful person especially when I'm very busy. I remember that I started noticing him getting anxious last night when I mentioned that I had found a dress and some boots for us to take engagement photos. Which I have to order soon because, I have to order them before spring so, that they get here on time. But I'm questioning should I even buy the outfit right now? Part of me is afraid that he's going try to move the dates of the engagement photos when I really wanted them in the spring this year. I was really wanting to do the engagement stuff this year and then do more of the wedding stuff and finding a place to live even more so next year. I wanted to do the easier stuff while I'm in school and do some of the tougher stuff after I graduated which also involves going on a vacation with my sisters next year. There is just so much going on with planning so many different things and me going to school and having to deal with my abusive parents and my fiancee is mostly out of that stuff when it comes to planning and also when it comes to not actually having to deal with my parents the way I have to because, they're abusing me and not him. He knows that they abuse me and he knows that my dad's very controlling. I really try not to set my dad off and I actually really don't want to talk to my family even though they are paying for my Room and board while I'm going to school. They are sadly not safe people. I am puzzled on what I should do next. It's like should I continue to go forward with my plans for engagement photos and party? Or should we stop altogether until next year where we will probably have only 9 months to prepare everything from the engagement photos all the way up to the wedding? My fiance is saying that for the next couple weeks he does not want talk about anything to do with our engagement or the wedding. And I think a part of this has to do with him transitioning to his new job in the neighboring city. In times like these it really does make me feel like he is hitting the brakes on the plans that we're doing and also makes me wonder if he wants to be engaged or married especially when he is the one who proposed to me.

Please pray for us and any Christian counsel and advice is appreciated.

Hello!

Your situation was similar to my wife and my situation when we were graduating college. My feedback will be coming from my experience which may be very different from yours and so please don’t be discouraged or Deflating.

We dated for a year, were engaged for a year and were 24 years old. If you have dated longer, and are older than perhaps this may not fully apply.

I cannot stress enough how IMPORTANT it is to have a strong feeling from the Lord it is the right time to get married, go through extensive (months and months) of scriptural and biblical counseling with a strong and Godly Christian couple with counseling experience (preferably elders or church leaders). It might feel like the financial pressures or issues with your parents and living situation are important right now, but these should be absolute non factors in your decision to get married.

My advice would be to not take engagement pictures, not buy the dress, and don’t send save the dates or anything like that until after you and your fiancé have gone through that counseling and have a clear, mutual, and intensely strong feeling from the Lord through much prayer that it is time to get married.

Doing the prep work may seem convenient now but this can be extremely difficult to roll back. It’s virtually impossible when you get closer to the actual wedding date to not move forward if you aren’t ready. That’s exactly what happened to my wife and I.

More importantly, if your husband is going to be the spiritual leader of your family, a sacrificial father to your future children, and shoulder the intense responsibility of marriage he will need to both feel completely ready to get married and do so.

From what you shared, this doesn’t seem like it’s the case for you right now in your relationship. It appears he needs to have spiritual victory over his anxiety and confidence he can lead and love in this way.

I know I’m a random person on an internet chat, and many responses might make you feel better about what is the more convenient, easier, or socially acceptable thing to do in your situation. But I’ve experienced the consequences of moving through these exact same warning sides and getting married anyway.

my wife and I were both lifelong believers, both our dads were pastors and all of our friends, families and parents were in 100% support of our marriage. But we were not ready. I would give literally anything in my life except my salvation away to go back and NOT get married until my wife and I were ready and felt God was fully and completely in it; and be more prepared maturity wise and financially and spiritually to get married.

10 years after we got married, I was still a mediocre husband, was becoming a mediocre father and was not a spiritual leader. My wife’s walk with the lord deteriorated and I never even saw it coming and I think a great contributor to that was our lack of spiritual unity and preparedness and togetherness of mind when we got married.

She had an emotional affair, walked away from God unto atheism, left me and took our two children away from me. God used this to draw me close to him (finally) but the emotional pain and consequences to my kids is significant and lasting.

Like I said, she was a part time missionary, we started a Christian organization together, it’s not like she was always trouble and I pushed through. I share this to demonstrate how incredibly important this is. Please don’t do this unless you and your fiancé pray for months or years that he is freed from all anxiety and you are completely ready.

In Christ,
J

Heartofsilver · Jan 23, 2020

pdudgeon said:
Since you are planning so far out from the wedding date, I would say yes, definitely let him move first and take at least 6 months to get settled into the new city and the new job.

It's important to let him have this transition time, so that he can establish a solid base that he is comfortable with. That way he won't feel like he's in a circus juggling everything all at once.

Marriage is a huge move to make in one's life. So you both want to go into it with as firm a foundation and partnership as you possibly can have.

That said, make the preliminary plans now so that you are on the same page, but wait until after you have both moved and are settled before setting and confirming any dates.

Hello pdudgeon,

Thank you for your response. My fiancee isn't moving to a new city, but he will be commuting to his new job. That is very true, I do remember him trying to talk to me about moving the engagement party out some. I should give him some more time to settle into his new job. Amen! We are looking for a place to live for after we get married.

Heartofsilver · Jan 23, 2020

Donna Fletcher said:
Dear Sister in Christ,

I see you are going through a hard time. Recently, I was watching a Dr. Phil show that an engaged couple was experiencing a lot of hardships from the man's mother. Dr. Phil advice that is it not good to start off a marriage with all of the abuse going on and that the engage couple need to be healed from the abuse before getting married so that their marriage will start off on a good foot. I think his advice is very good. That meant for that couple needed to separate from the abusive mother so all of them could regroup and hopefully all be made well.

You mentioned to get an apartment with your fiancé, but I am assuming you are a Christian and living together before marriage is a big temptation for having sex before marrying.

Also, starting a new job is one of the number one biggest stress’s in a person's life. So maybe letting your fiancé get used to his job would help and after you see him feeling relaxed then bring up the wedding. Marriage is about compromise/making sacrifices.

As for the issue of your parents the only thing I can think of is to go to your church and ask the pastor for some advice and see if he could help you find a roommate so that you can be on own until you get married. You may be able to rent a room while you're finishing college. It seems as if your fiancé’s parents are a good source for you since their family is the opposite of yours. I hope that you can spend more time with them while you are waiting to get married.

My prayer for you dear is that you would honor God and your fiancé in the decisions you make and that you will seek healing from the abuse of your family so that you can start a new life with your fiancé that is not under so much pressure.

I would also like to encourage you to think about a simple wedding. A simple wedding like the olden days didn't cost much and didn't take a lot of time to prepare for it. It could cause less stress and, in the end, you can enjoy your days together before the wedding without so many things to do.

Hello Donna,

Yeah, that does sound pretty good. I just wish it was that easy. Though I still speak to my parents at times, I have really distanced myself from them physically and verbally. I'm having to rely on them for money while I go to school, since I'm unable to work and go to school at the same time due to my disabilities. There has been times that my parents have financially abused me unfortunately. We are planning on looking for a place to live for after we are married. That is very true, thank you so much for the advice. So far, it seems like no matter what it's going to be expensive due to the amount of guests that are mainly family from both sides, so the cost may be inevitable depending on how many really come. It is really to be determined.

Heartofsilver · Jan 23, 2020

GaveMeJoy said:
Hello!

Your situation was similar to my wife and my situation when we were graduating college. My feedback will be coming from my experience which may be very different from yours and so please don’t be discouraged or Deflating.

We dated for a year, were engaged for a year and were 24 years old. If you have dated longer, and are older than perhaps this may not fully apply.

I cannot stress enough how IMPORTANT it is to have a strong feeling from the Lord it is the right time to get married, go through extensive (months and months) of scriptural and biblical counseling with a strong and Godly Christian couple with counseling experience (preferably elders or church leaders). It might feel like the financial pressures or issues with your parents and living situation are important right now, but these should be absolute non factors in your decision to get married.

My advice would be to not take engagement pictures, not buy the dress, and don’t send save the dates or anything like that until after you and your fiancé have gone through that counseling and have a clear, mutual, and intensely strong feeling from the Lord through much prayer that it is time to get married.

Doing the prep work may seem convenient now but this can be extremely difficult to roll back. It’s virtually impossible when you get closer to the actual wedding date to not move forward if you aren’t ready. That’s exactly what happened to my wife and I.

More importantly, if your husband is going to be the spiritual leader of your family, a sacrificial father to your future children, and shoulder the intense responsibility of marriage he will need to both feel completely ready to get married and do so.

From what you shared, this doesn’t seem like it’s the case for you right now in your relationship. It appears he needs to have spiritual victory over his anxiety and confidence he can lead and love in this way.

I know I’m a random person on an internet chat, and many responses might make you feel better about what is the more convenient, easier, or socially acceptable thing to do in your situation. But I’ve experienced the consequences of moving through these exact same warning sides and getting married anyway.

my wife and I were both lifelong believers, both our dads were pastors and all of our friends, families and parents were in 100% support of our marriage. But we were not ready. I would give literally anything in my life except my salvation away to go back and NOT get married until my wife and I were ready and felt God was fully and completely in it; and be more prepared maturity wise and financially and spiritually to get married.

10 years after we got married, I was still a mediocre husband, was becoming a mediocre father and was not a spiritual leader. My wife’s walk with the lord deteriorated and I never even saw it coming and I think a great contributor to that was our lack of spiritual unity and preparedness and togetherness of mind when we got married.

She had an emotional affair, walked away from God unto atheism, left me and took our two children away from me. God used this to draw me close to him (finally) but the emotional pain and consequences to my kids is significant and lasting.

Like I said, she was a part time missionary, we started a Christian organization together, it’s not like she was always trouble and I pushed through. I share this to demonstrate how incredibly important this is. Please don’t do this unless you and your fiancé pray for months or years that he is freed from all anxiety and you are completely ready.

In Christ,
J

Hello J,

Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your personal testimony with me. I am touched and I greatly appreciate it. We definitely have a testimony where how we even met was directly from God, though we have been praying for direction especially, since we have been called to marriage with each other. I actually am seeing a wonderful Christian therapist right now who will hopefully become our premarital counselor, but right now she wants one-on-one therapy with me. I am waiting for her to give the ok for my fiancee joining us if she feels that it wise or else we will have to find another through the same program. Yeah, that is true about my parents and finances. I believe that our God will see us through. That is true and good things that we both need to pray on and consider. I just talked to him and he is doing better. Yes we can pray about our anxiety, but the reality is we still have to find ways to manage our disabilities that causes them and it isn't always an easy task, so I ask for pray for that, too. I think that maybe he would benefit with getting a therapist again. Your testimony is definitely one for the books and can help many others. I am in a place in my walk with God where I'm just getting out about being angry with Him, due to my family. I'm still in the process in recovery and pray for my relationship with Jesus to be closer than it ever was before and evermore. I'm so sorry to hear that, that happened and I'm praying for you all, in Jesus Name. Yes, our anxieties and disabilities will definitely be brought up in premarital counseling.

ChristianGirl_96 · Apr 2, 2020

Do seek professional faith based counselling. And do not rush either.

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My fiancee is at it again...

Heartofsilver

Bride of Christ 4/8/17 Isaiah 54:5

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pdudgeon

Traditional Catholic

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Lady Donna Marie

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GaveMeJoy

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Heartofsilver

Bride of Christ 4/8/17 Isaiah 54:5

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Heartofsilver

Bride of Christ 4/8/17 Isaiah 54:5

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Heartofsilver

Bride of Christ 4/8/17 Isaiah 54:5

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ChristianGirl_96

Well-Known Member

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