Held back from relationships due to insecurities

ryewolf

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Hello all.

I'm a 32 year old single female, never married. I've had two long lasting relationships (one for 2 years from 18-20, one for 4 years from 25-29). Since turning 30, I have had several things happen to me physically which have caused my confidence to plummet to an all time low.

First off, I lost about 50% of my hair after my last breakup. This was due to something called "stress induced telogen effluvium". I would lose clumps and clumps of hair in the shower would constantly have hair strands all over my clothes throughout the day. This loss has slowed down, but now I have extreme thinning through my temples and my hairline is very sparse. I have to wear "toppers" which are basically a half wig that clips onto the top of your head. The toppers have brought my confidence back, but am terrified to start dating because I dread telling a guy that I basically wear wigs. I don't feel like guys will find me attractive without the hair.

In addition to this, I was diagnosed with PCOS which causes increased testosterone levels leading to excess body hair. I have to get laser hair removal on my face every 5 weeks. I also have to shave every single day (underarms, bikini line, legs, etc). Sorry if this is TMI. I just wanted to share the full picture of what's going on.

I realize these are just superficial insecurities, but I feel like I'm going to be single forever because they are holding me back from even wanting to date. I don't feel attractive without putting excessive effort into my appearance and can't imagine being married to and living with a man in my natural state.

I love the Lord. He is the center of my life and everything in my life revolves around my faith. I think I would make a great, loyal, loving wife. But these insecurities are killing me. Sometimes I wonder if God caused these things to happen to my appearance just so that I will remain single. Maybe He has called me to a life of singleness?

I want to believe that a Christian man would care more about my inner beauty than my outer appearance since even the Bible talks about outer beauty fading...but I've been burned in the past by being cheated on. I also recently developed feelings for a guy in my Bible study group who has a lot in common with me. We've talked a lot over the past several months and feel that we get along well and have fun together, but he has shown absolutely no romantic interest in me. But then, as soon as a younger (10 years younger than him) beautiful woman came into the group he was instantly flirting with her. I can't help but feel that it's based on my looks that he is not interested in me because he didn't even get to know that girl on a spiritual level before he started flirting with her.

I just feel so much grief over the fact that I'm not a "natural" beauty. I find myself feeling jealous of other women who can just put their hair up in a messy bun and walk out the door looking beautiful. It's embarrassing and truly holds me back from so many things (not just dating - I pass on anything that involves exercising with other people, swimming, etc where I can't wear my hair). I'm just not sure how to get past this. Any encouragement and prayer is welcome.
 
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Euodius

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Hello Ryewolf, I'm sorry to hear that you are having a difficult time. One thing that is being revealed to you through this trial is the hypocrisy of the world. Take care of yourself and know that prayers are being said for you.
 
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FutureAndAHope

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Hello all.

I'm a 32 year old single female, never married. I've had two long lasting relationships (one for 2 years from 18-20, one for 4 years from 25-29). Since turning 30, I have had several things happen to me physically which have caused my confidence to plummet to an all time low.

First off, I lost about 50% of my hair after my last breakup. This was due to something called "stress induced telogen effluvium". I would lose clumps and clumps of hair in the shower would constantly have hair strands all over my clothes throughout the day. This loss has slowed down, but now I have extreme thinning through my temples and my hairline is very sparse. I have to wear "toppers" which are basically a half wig that clips onto the top of your head. The toppers have brought my confidence back, but am terrified to start dating because I dread telling a guy that I basically wear wigs. I don't feel like guys will find me attractive without the hair.

In addition to this, I was diagnosed with PCOS which causes increased testosterone levels leading to excess body hair. I have to get laser hair removal on my face every 5 weeks. I also have to shave every single day (underarms, bikini line, legs, etc). Sorry if this is TMI. I just wanted to share the full picture of what's going on.

I realize these are just superficial insecurities, but I feel like I'm going to be single forever because they are holding me back from even wanting to date. I don't feel attractive without putting excessive effort into my appearance and can't imagine being married to and living with a man in my natural state.

I love the Lord. He is the center of my life and everything in my life revolves around my faith. I think I would make a great, loyal, loving wife. But these insecurities are killing me. Sometimes I wonder if God caused these things to happen to my appearance just so that I will remain single. Maybe He has called me to a life of singleness?

I want to believe that a Christian man would care more about my inner beauty than my outer appearance since even the Bible talks about outer beauty fading...but I've been burned in the past by being cheated on. I also recently developed feelings for a guy in my Bible study group who has a lot in common with me. We've talked a lot over the past several months and feel that we get along well and have fun together, but he has shown absolutely no romantic interest in me. But then, as soon as a younger (10 years younger than him) beautiful woman came into the group he was instantly flirting with her. I can't help but feel that it's based on my looks that he is not interested in me because he didn't even get to know that girl on a spiritual level before he started flirting with her.

I just feel so much grief over the fact that I'm not a "natural" beauty. I find myself feeling jealous of other women who can just put their hair up in a messy bun and walk out the door looking beautiful. It's embarrassing and truly holds me back from so many things (not just dating - I pass on anything that involves exercising with other people, swimming, etc where I can't wear my hair). I'm just not sure how to get past this. Any encouragement and prayer is welcome.

The bible tells us:

Psa 37:4 Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.

One of your inner desires is for a partner. God can, and I believe will give you one as you continue to follow Him.

But you also need to take steps in the natural for that to happen. Put your self out there. A good man will look past your faults, and truly love you.
 
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Billy UK

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Hello all.

I'm a 32 year old single female, never married. I've had two long lasting relationships (one for 2 years from 18-20, one for 4 years from 25-29). Since turning 30, I have had several things happen to me physically which have caused my confidence to plummet to an all time low.

First off, I lost about 50% of my hair after my last breakup. This was due to something called "stress induced telogen effluvium". I would lose clumps and clumps of hair in the shower would constantly have hair strands all over my clothes throughout the day. This loss has slowed down, but now I have extreme thinning through my temples and my hairline is very sparse. I have to wear "toppers" which are basically a half wig that clips onto the top of your head. The toppers have brought my confidence back, but am terrified to start dating because I dread telling a guy that I basically wear wigs. I don't feel like guys will find me attractive without the hair.

In addition to this, I was diagnosed with PCOS which causes increased testosterone levels leading to excess body hair. I have to get laser hair removal on my face every 5 weeks. I also have to shave every single day (underarms, bikini line, legs, etc). Sorry if this is TMI. I just wanted to share the full picture of what's going on.

I realize these are just superficial insecurities, but I feel like I'm going to be single forever because they are holding me back from even wanting to date. I don't feel attractive without putting excessive effort into my appearance and can't imagine being married to and living with a man in my natural state.

I love the Lord. He is the center of my life and everything in my life revolves around my faith. I think I would make a great, loyal, loving wife. But these insecurities are killing me. Sometimes I wonder if God caused these things to happen to my appearance just so that I will remain single. Maybe He has called me to a life of singleness?

I want to believe that a Christian man would care more about my inner beauty than my outer appearance since even the Bible talks about outer beauty fading...but I've been burned in the past by being cheated on. I also recently developed feelings for a guy in my Bible study group who has a lot in common with me. We've talked a lot over the past several months and feel that we get along well and have fun together, but he has shown absolutely no romantic interest in me. But then, as soon as a younger (10 years younger than him) beautiful woman came into the group he was instantly flirting with her. I can't help but feel that it's based on my looks that he is not interested in me because he didn't even get to know that girl on a spiritual level before he started flirting with her.

I just feel so much grief over the fact that I'm not a "natural" beauty. I find myself feeling jealous of other women who can just put their hair up in a messy bun and walk out the door looking beautiful. It's embarrassing and truly holds me back from so many things (not just dating - I pass on anything that involves exercising with other people, swimming, etc where I can't wear my hair). I'm just not sure how to get past this. Any encouragement and prayer is welcome.


Hi Ryewolf.

I recently found this to be one way that the devil attacks the identity of those who experience it through feeling rejected and unfavourable to others. The outward appearance and materialistic value of a person appears to be quite a factor behind the attraction of one to another in this world.

The fallen system seems to be driven by such and from the time we are born it appears this type of thinking becomes part of us and is empowered through the fallen nature at the expense of others if one is on the receiving end. I know that God looks heart but we instead seem to judge one another's value by appearance and materialistic and financial aspects. I think what at times is called love is really in actuality lust as God who is love does not determine the value of people by their physical and financial attributes.

Those who have at times been on the receiving end of this hurtful behaviour endure real struggles which can be quite painful and leave us quite wounded. Scripture shows how one can experience this type of rejection as Leah was less favoured than her sister because her sister was considered to be more physically appealing.


Genesis 29:16-30 (KJV)

16 And Laban had two daughters: the name of the elder was Leah, and the name of the younger was Rachel.

17 Leah was tender eyed; but Rachel was beautiful and well favoured.

18 And Jacob loved Rachel; and said, I will serve thee seven years for Rachel thy younger daughter.


As a Christian I think its a battle to learn how to deal with this type of treatment as the whole thing reveals that we could be allowing what others think to determine our value and worth instead of God. I think it can show that maybe the foundation of our love and value is not first and foremost being built upon and sustained by the Holy Spirit of God but is instead being sought after from people instead. This could also be why people may have the power to wound us through rejection and make us feel inferior based upon their fallen way of judging us when it should only be God who has the power to do that. Through seeking after love from others wanting to feel wanted and basing our value and worth upon their attention and judgements about us it can give the devil the power to affect our identity in Christ. I think the answer is in the area of our desires in that we must turn our affection towards God and seek our value and love and self worth first and foremost out of him as if we seek him first then the other things will follow and our value will be based upon what God thinks and says about us.


Matthew 6:33 (KJV)

33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.



Leah in the Scriptures received help and comfort with her situation through God so likewise, we must look to him for help with these things also.


Genesis 29:31-32 (KJV)

31 And when the Lord saw that Leah was hated, he opened her womb: but Rachel was barren.

32 And Leah conceived, and bare a son, and she called his name Reuben: for she said, Surely the Lord hath looked upon my affliction; now therefore my husband will love me.
 
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Sketcher

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Hello all.

I'm a 32 year old single female, never married. I've had two long lasting relationships (one for 2 years from 18-20, one for 4 years from 25-29). Since turning 30, I have had several things happen to me physically which have caused my confidence to plummet to an all time low.

First off, I lost about 50% of my hair after my last breakup. This was due to something called "stress induced telogen effluvium". I would lose clumps and clumps of hair in the shower would constantly have hair strands all over my clothes throughout the day. This loss has slowed down, but now I have extreme thinning through my temples and my hairline is very sparse. I have to wear "toppers" which are basically a half wig that clips onto the top of your head. The toppers have brought my confidence back, but am terrified to start dating because I dread telling a guy that I basically wear wigs. I don't feel like guys will find me attractive without the hair.

In addition to this, I was diagnosed with PCOS which causes increased testosterone levels leading to excess body hair. I have to get laser hair removal on my face every 5 weeks. I also have to shave every single day (underarms, bikini line, legs, etc). Sorry if this is TMI. I just wanted to share the full picture of what's going on.

I realize these are just superficial insecurities, but I feel like I'm going to be single forever because they are holding me back from even wanting to date. I don't feel attractive without putting excessive effort into my appearance and can't imagine being married to and living with a man in my natural state.

I love the Lord. He is the center of my life and everything in my life revolves around my faith. I think I would make a great, loyal, loving wife. But these insecurities are killing me. Sometimes I wonder if God caused these things to happen to my appearance just so that I will remain single. Maybe He has called me to a life of singleness?

I want to believe that a Christian man would care more about my inner beauty than my outer appearance since even the Bible talks about outer beauty fading...but I've been burned in the past by being cheated on. I also recently developed feelings for a guy in my Bible study group who has a lot in common with me. We've talked a lot over the past several months and feel that we get along well and have fun together, but he has shown absolutely no romantic interest in me. But then, as soon as a younger (10 years younger than him) beautiful woman came into the group he was instantly flirting with her. I can't help but feel that it's based on my looks that he is not interested in me because he didn't even get to know that girl on a spiritual level before he started flirting with her.

I just feel so much grief over the fact that I'm not a "natural" beauty. I find myself feeling jealous of other women who can just put their hair up in a messy bun and walk out the door looking beautiful. It's embarrassing and truly holds me back from so many things (not just dating - I pass on anything that involves exercising with other people, swimming, etc where I can't wear my hair). I'm just not sure how to get past this. Any encouragement and prayer is welcome.
Well, if a guy asked you out, would you say no? If you would, then your insecurity really is holding you back. While exceptions exist, generally speaking, if a guy asks you out, he finds you at least somewhat attractive. Obviously, be honest with him. Then you can have confidence in any guy that does come back.

For swimming, there's swim caps.

For exercise - I don't know, but there's two out of the three.
 
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grace4ever

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Hello ryewolf,
Thank you for sharing your concerns with us. I’m truly sorry for what you are going through. I am so sorry you are dealing with such a difficult situation. These forums are great for sharing burdens, venting, and asking for advice. Even in the darkest moments in our lives, there’s always hope. Let this time of being single be precious for you, to draw yourself closer to God. If God wants that you be called to marriage, then in His time you will meet the right person. I encourage you to be patient. I’m sure that person is looking for you too. It is important that in this time you pray for that special person and God will lead you to him. Have ever you thought of the strengths that you would like to find in that special person? I’m so sorry that your friend didn’t look at you as a person he was truly interested in. But that does not mean the end. Sometimes we have to pass for some bad experiences before we meet the right one. That is part of the process. That one special person will come to you when you do not expect. Let this time of yourself being single allow you to know more of your strengths and work on your weaknesses also. Beauty is only skin deep. It does not come from outside, but within. I encourage you do not let yourself compare to others since there will always be persons more beautiful, taller, smarter, more presentable than us. The enemy wants you compare yourself with others to put you down and discourage you to keep going. Please do not fall in the trap. I encourage you to cultivate friendship. It is important to learn how to be a good friend first and then God will say. To meet your soulmate is like being in adventure. Let me tell you my friend that you are unique, special and precious in front God’s eyes. Perhaps have you thought of seeking counseling or therapy? Counseling or therapy works through things like this. You are valuable and worthy of fighting for. It can help in ways to help boost your self-esteem and confidence. I hope this helps. I will keep you in my prayers my sister in Christ.
 
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