Today I feel really, really alone and vulnerable. With this coronavirus stuff and my family being upset at me, I'm feeling like a failure. I've been binge eating and I keep going to my fantasies inside my head of being married and being loved on and snuggling. I make up the most romantic scenes in my head where I finally feel safe and wanted, two things I seldom feel in real-life. I hold onto those daydreams for dear life. I know God is mad at me for having them, but I think, He is mad at me already so I feel like if it isn't this I will just make Him upset through something else but at least I have this secret thing I can go to feel comforted. It's a lot like my binge eating. I go to it secretly and derive temporary comfort when I feel like I have no one else to go to.
I know what I am doing is beyond pathetic and that the easy answer is to stop. I know that God does not hate me the way I feel He does in times like this. I know He has forgiven me. But I can't believe it. I continuously let Him down over and over again. I feel like His threshold of forgiveness is running out. I never feel close to Him anymore. I know it's my fault. But I am so depressed I am too tired to try anymore.
I live alone and have no friends and no social skills. At work I watch in sadness as my co-workers socialize and laugh, wishing I could too. I have a stutter and can't communicate well so I am mute most of the time. But there is nothing I want more than intimacy with others and friendships and to be real with others. All the failed attempts in the past keep me afraid to try once more. I lay in bed at night and feel empty and deeply depressed because I know life is passing me by. I'm not making memories with people except my sister and her family but it's mostly just me babysitting their kids. We don't see eye to eye on most things and I don't feel I can be myself when I am with them. It drains me sometimes.
On my Facebook I see everyday pictures of my friends' lives and their families. Girls bragging about their husbands and pictures of their babies. It makes me so jealous because I would love to be in their shoes. I want a family of my own so bad. I want a husband to love and cherish me. I want to make a life with someone else. I want to leave legacy. Instead it just feels like I am wasting away like a paper bag floating in the air, with no where to go. Unhealthy and lonely.
When I was in my early 20s I had dreams of doing ministry and bringing people to God. I would go door to door leaving gospel tracts on the rugs and I even personally encouraged an old man at a park one time. I wanted to open my own homeless shelter and do street ministry. Now I'm knee-deep in sin and touch and binge eat and cry every night wondering what happened to me. It's like now I don't even know God anymore. I forgot what His presence feels like. Now with this coronavirus stuff I realize it is too late to do any of the stuff I wanted to do with life. I waited too late and never made my dreams come true.
There ARE days where I can manage to pray to God and know He is with me, but it is not everyday. Most days it feels like I pray to the wall.
I know what I am doing is beyond pathetic and that the easy answer is to stop. I know that God does not hate me the way I feel He does in times like this. I know He has forgiven me. But I can't believe it. I continuously let Him down over and over again. I feel like His threshold of forgiveness is running out. I never feel close to Him anymore. I know it's my fault. But I am so depressed I am too tired to try anymore.
I live alone and have no friends and no social skills. At work I watch in sadness as my co-workers socialize and laugh, wishing I could too. I have a stutter and can't communicate well so I am mute most of the time. But there is nothing I want more than intimacy with others and friendships and to be real with others. All the failed attempts in the past keep me afraid to try once more. I lay in bed at night and feel empty and deeply depressed because I know life is passing me by. I'm not making memories with people except my sister and her family but it's mostly just me babysitting their kids. We don't see eye to eye on most things and I don't feel I can be myself when I am with them. It drains me sometimes.
On my Facebook I see everyday pictures of my friends' lives and their families. Girls bragging about their husbands and pictures of their babies. It makes me so jealous because I would love to be in their shoes. I want a family of my own so bad. I want a husband to love and cherish me. I want to make a life with someone else. I want to leave legacy. Instead it just feels like I am wasting away like a paper bag floating in the air, with no where to go. Unhealthy and lonely.
When I was in my early 20s I had dreams of doing ministry and bringing people to God. I would go door to door leaving gospel tracts on the rugs and I even personally encouraged an old man at a park one time. I wanted to open my own homeless shelter and do street ministry. Now I'm knee-deep in sin and touch and binge eat and cry every night wondering what happened to me. It's like now I don't even know God anymore. I forgot what His presence feels like. Now with this coronavirus stuff I realize it is too late to do any of the stuff I wanted to do with life. I waited too late and never made my dreams come true.
There ARE days where I can manage to pray to God and know He is with me, but it is not everyday. Most days it feels like I pray to the wall.
