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Ted
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Hi phoebe,

Honestly, if you're looking to repair the relationship it may take some work and tongue biting. My sister wouldn't talk to me for years because I told her she needed to discipline her children. Now the older one has already totaled a car, dropped out of school with straight F's, can't get or keep a job and was living with a boyfriend and when that broke up my sister felt sorry for here and moved her into a little trailer on her 2 acre property. I was talking to my mother the other day and she tells me that she's always talking back to them and pretty much won't behave or do anything to help anyone out. I, of course don't say it, but I could have told her that was how it was likely to end up. The younger son/brother is also out of control and has no discipline. He has to take 'special' classes because he doesn't get along with the other children and while he's reasonably bright (watches youtube videos allllll day) he is also flunking out of school. My sister's attitude. "They're each their own person and I allow them the freedom to grow up as they want".

However, I've learned that it isn't going to help if I offer advice or try to correct. Fortunately, she's in California and I'm in S.C. so we don't spend much time together. I just ask how they're doing and when I hear these bad behavior reports, I just offer an, "Oh, that's a shame. So how's the weather?" The relationship is more important to me and I know that both of the children are beyond the age where anything's likely to change now. They'll just have to grow up through the school of hard knocks."

I don't have any idea what has strained your relationship, but I imagine that to put it back together is going to take some real reaching out from you. Have you offered to take her to coffee and pour out your heart and just tell her that you promise to keep your mouth shut if you can visit them? That you'd really like to be a part of their lives. Have you asked her, since you say they do worship, to join you in prayer? Have you spoken to their pastor or others that might have some influence in their small group? I don't mean to go through the whole story, but just make the time to sit down with someone at the fellowship and tell them you've been having some difficulties and would they be willing to act as a mediator of any kind? I'd certainly suggest speaking with the pastor first.

Just some thoughts to see if things can be moved along.

God bless you. I know that your heart aches over this issue and I sure would like to be able to help.
In Christ, ted
 
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Maria Billingsley

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Not knowing that my DIL would basically disown me, after Christmas I bought a doll and extra clothes, for my granddaughter. I spent a lot of money from various places. I was planning to give them to my granddaughter for her April birthday. That's coming up very soon. I always shop early for gifts. So I have other dolls and clothes for other granddaughters. I've never mistreated my grandchildren.

How do I deliver the gifts? I can't afford to mail them.
And your son?
 
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Rescued One

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Have you looked into the cost of mailing? I send packages to the kids all the time and it's usually not that much, perhaps your church could help with the cost for mailing...

I think the most I've ever spent was 40 on a package ..

Thanks for the ideas. I wouldn't ask my church unless I was starving. And I don't drive nor have a car. $40 is too much.
 
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Hi phoebe,

Honestly, if you're looking to repair the relationship it may take some work and tongue biting. My sister wouldn't talk to me for years because I told her she needed to discipline her children. Now the older one has already totaled a car, dropped out of school with straight F's, can't get or keep a job and was living with a boyfriend and when that broke up my sister felt sorry for here and moved her into a little trailer on her 2 acre property. I was talking to my mother the other day and she tells me that she's always talking back to them and pretty much won't behave or do anything to help anyone out. I, of course don't say it, but I could have told her that was how it was likely to end up. The younger son/brother is also out of control and has no discipline. He has to take 'special' classes because he doesn't get along with the other children and while he's reasonably bright (watches youtube videos allllll day) he is also flunking out of school. My sister's attitude. "They're each their own person and I allow them the freedom to grow up as they want".

However, I've learned that it isn't going to help if I offer advice or try to correct. Fortunately, she's in California and I'm in S.C. so we don't spend much time together. I just ask how they're doing and when I hear these bad behavior reports, I just offer an, "Oh, that's a shame. So how's the weather?" The relationship is more important to me and I know that both of the children are beyond the age where anything's likely to change now. They'll just have to grow up through the school of hard knocks."

I don't have any idea what has strained your relationship, but I imagine that to put it back together is going to take some real reaching out from you. Have you offered to take her to coffee and pour out your heart and just tell her that you promise to keep your mouth shut if you can visit them? That you'd really like to be a part of their lives. Have you asked her, since you say they do worship, to join you in prayer? Have you spoken to their pastor or others that might have some influence in their small group? I don't mean to go through the whole story, but just make the time to sit down with someone at the fellowship and tell them you've been having some difficulties and would they be willing to act as a mediator of any kind? I'd certainly suggest speaking with the pastor first.

Just some thoughts to see if things can be moved along.

God bless you. I know that your heart aches over this issue and I sure would like to be able to help.
In Christ, ted

Thanks. I've called the priest twice today. He isn't home. I left messages.
 
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Rescued One

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So you said something about your son's parenting (I noticed you didn't say "their parenting") and that's it? You're cut off? No chances? Will they not accept an apology with the statement that you won't cross that line again (or at least try your hardest not to)?

You may even be able to check with the clerk at the family law department at your local courthouse, because many courts are acknowledging grandparents rights (especially if there's no reason for you to be excluded from their lives).

They would be furious!!!!!
 
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Hazelelponi

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Thanks for the ideas. I wouldn't ask my church unless I was starving. And I don't drive nor have a car. $40 is too much.

It's too much for me right now too or I'd help out.

But mailing can be done online and from home, you never have to leave your house to send packages in the mail these days.

I am sorry I couldn't be of more help to you... that was my only idea.. other than that, just give what you bought to the angel tree this year if you and your son can't reconcile.

I've never had these problems with my kids, I always tell them what I think and they do their own thing anyway.. lol. It works.. Kids find their own way, regardless of what we think, but it is disrespectful not to listen and hear you out. That's so weird to me simply because I've not experienced it with my own.
 
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mkgal1

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They would be furious!!!!!
Aren't they that already?

I'm suggesting that you merely check to see what your rights are. As was mentioned earlier, in some states, if both parents of the grandchild are alive then you'd have no visitation rights (but in some states you do). If you were to find out your state is one where you DO have visitation rights as a grandmother, I'd maybe send an email to your son first asking if you could try resolve this between you....but that if he's unwilling to work it out that you'd see what the court decided. IMO - the gift is secondary to trying to resolve things with your son and his wife.
 
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mkgal1

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If I were to give you the phone number of a counselor to call to see about arranging a conference call for you, your DIL, and yourself.....would you be up for seeing if your son and his wife would participate? This counselor charges on a sliding scale, and I doubt it'd be more than $25. Wouldn't that be worth restoring your relationship with your son?
 
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Aren't they that already?

I'm suggesting that you merely check to see what your rights are. As was mentioned earlier, in some states, if both parents of the grandchild are alive then you'd have no visitation rights (but in some states you do). If you were to find out your state is one where you DO have visitation rights as a grandmother, I'd maybe send an email to your son first asking if you could try resolve this between you....but that if he's unwilling to work it out that you'd see what the court decided. IMO - the gift is secondary to trying to resolve things with your son and his wife.

Thanks. Relationships with God and others are very important --- love God and love others. But I will never take any of my children to court.
 
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Aren't they that already?

I'm suggesting that you merely check to see what your rights are. As was mentioned earlier, in some states, if both parents of the grandchild are alive then you'd have no visitation rights (but in some states you do). If you were to find out your state is one where you DO have visitation rights as a grandmother, I'd maybe send an email to your son first asking if you could try resolve this between you....but that if he's unwilling to work it out that you'd see what the court decided. IMO - the gift is secondary to trying to resolve things with your son and his wife.

Thank you --- I sent another email!
 
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If I were to give you the phone number of a counselor to call to see about arranging a conference call for you, your DIL, and yourself.....would you be up for seeing if your son and his wife would participate? This counselor charges on a sliding scale, and I doubt it'd be more than $25. Wouldn't that be worth restoring your relationship with your son?

The money is worth it, but they wouldn't do it ---especially DIL. Let's see what happens with my email.
 
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Christian online friends.jpg
 
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You've apologized for critiquing their parenting and promised to try your best not to do that again, right?

Not exactly, because I needed to say what I did that made them angry. I won't go into detail. However, you helped me know what to say. Thank you!
 
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Mel333

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Not knowing that my DIL would basically disown me, after Christmas I bought a doll and extra clothes, for my granddaughter. I spent a lot of money from various places. I was planning to give them to my granddaughter for her April birthday. That's coming up very soon. I always shop early for gifts. So I have other dolls and clothes for other granddaughters. I've never mistreated my grandchildren.

How do I deliver the gifts? I can't afford to mail them.

Best advice is to not give advice unless someone asks.

May have crossed the line with the advice you’ve given them. Only you will know.. but there is a reason they aren’t talking to you.

Usually a DIL feels like you’re judging them when giving unwarranted advice. You’ll know the reason why they aren’t talking to you.

In terms of reconciliation, space & time are the best. Also a letter to your DIL saying sorry for whatever the advice is you’ve given that she doesn’t agree with. This requires humility on your part.

I wouldn’t bother giving the gift because it will just be denied as per other attempts at contact. Must reconcile with the DIL prior to contact with her children.

A handwritten apology would be a start (even if you feel you’re in the right). Reconciliation takes at lot of humility on your part if the doors are going to be opened again.
 
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Mel333

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Son and DIL are ignoring me. No, there are no mediators. They don't get along with people because once you disagree or give advice, you're more or less on permanent ignore. Their children are being deprived by no contact with me. They love me.

They attend their Orthodox church regularly, but don't follow the Bible about relationships and working things out. I can't talk to them about it because they both get angry. I sent a couple of loving emails, but the emails have been ignored.
If I take the gift over, I'm sure they won't let me see the kids. My son stays in the basement on his computer. My DIL might not come to the door. :( If I leave the gift at the front door, I can only hope neighbors don't take it. No matter what current news or health info I bring up to try to have a conversation they immediately tell me that isn't so. I never argue because I hate arguing and I know how unforgiving they can be. But I opened my mouth about my son's parenting --- I guess I didn't know how much I'm disrespected.

Ephesians 4:32
Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

“But I opened my mouth about my son's parenting..”

Yeh, so here is the reason why they aren’t speaking to you and will continue to do so unless you can support them as they are, warts and all.

Playing the victim is also not the answer. All parties are responsible for a healthy relationship.

For you, stop nick picking and giving advice unless asked. For them, to communicate and include you into their family. But they won’t communicate unless they know you will respect them.

Afterall, who likes being told what to do and how to do it without asking for advice or help?

No one likes being told what they are doing wrong.
 
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Rescued One

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“But I opened my mouth about my son's parenting..”

Yeh, so here is the reason why they aren’t speaking to you and will continue to do so unless you can support them as they are, warts and all.

Playing the victim is also not the answer. All parties are responsible for a healthy relationship.

For you, stop nick picking and giving advice unless asked. For them, to communicate and include you into their family. But they won’t communicate unless they know you will respect them.

Afterall, who likes being told what to do and how to do it without asking for advice or help?

No one likes being told what they are doing wrong.

This isn't about feelings. It's about loving Jesus enough to obey Him.

If a Christian tells me I am doing wrong and that is also what Christ taught, I'm vety grateful. And, yes, I've been told.

We love him, because he first loved us.

John 14
15 If ye love me, keep my commandments.

23 Jesus answered and said unto him, If a man love me, he will keep my words: and my Father will love him, and we will come unto him, and make our abode with him. 24 He that loveth me not keepeth not my sayings: and the word which ye hear is not mine, but the Father's which sent me.

Christians welcome Godly counsel.

2 Timothy 3:16-17
All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness: That the man of God may be perfect, thoroughly furnished unto all good works.

Did God give us our Bibles for a reason?

I believe that the word of God matters and that God gave us His word so that we would know His will.

2 Corinthians 9
8 And God is able to make all grace abound toward you; that ye, always having all sufficiency in all things, may abound to every good work:

God bless!

 
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Rescued One

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Usually a DIL feels like you’re judging them when giving unwarranted advice. You’ll know the reason why they aren’t talking to you.

unwarranted: not justified or authorized

Psalm 1:1
Blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor standeth in the way of sinners, nor sitteth in the seat of the scornful.

Proverbs 1
5 A wise man will hear, and will increase learning; and a man of understanding shall attain unto wise counsels:

Peace.
 
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