I’ve been questioning if I have been really born again at all lately. When I converted my freshman year and had genuine positive change / fruit / felt connected to God in my life, I still justified and defended homosexuality (saying it wasn’t a sin, but there was mistranslation issues) without any conviction. I did the same with watching horror movies, reading creepy stories, listening to some bad music, reading Harry Potter...well, there was some, but I denied and ignored it. I continued on like this for two years until now…would a true believer really do that?
The topic of homosexuality is a tremendous can of worms, and the rules of the forum prohibit much conversation about it. As for the rest, why would you believe that watching horror movies, reading scary stories, listening to music, reading Harry Potter (etc) are a problem? Christians are not forbidden from enjoying stories. What you choose to watch/listen to/read is up to you and is a matter of your individual conscience. Anyone who tells you that Christians can't watch movies, read books, listen to music (etc) is simply engaging in meaningless moralism. We have God's commandments which tell us what is right and wrong, and it doesn't cover enjoying works of fiction or enjoying music. If you, personally, find these things to be troublesome for yourself, then you should abstain; but not because you have to, there's no command or rule that you do--and nobody has any right to judge you for it either.
What if I was saved for a really short time but then my name was quickly blotted out of the book of life? When I first stumbled upon the Romans verses that condemn homosexuality, I was shook because I didn’t know they were in there, and I was flat out angry at God. I felt like I felt hatred towards Him.
I backslid so bad my sophomore year, too. Not just sexual sin, but idolatry too. (Will elaborate more if needed). I repented of this backsliding but I keep questioning if it was truly sincere because I’m struggling to feel bad or convicted about anything I do. I think I have mental assent…I feel like my faith is merely a mind thing and no longer a heart thing anymore. I think I lost my faith/salvation because of the blatant sin I was living in for a while without true repentance until (I hope) recently.
Christ died for you, you can be confident in the grace of God, and in His love for you. Whatever you did, or whatever you think you did, it can't stop the invincible love of God.
I also feel like I’ve been becoming too spiritually apathetic/neutral and hard-hearted lately.
I feel hopeless. “It’s so unlikely you’ll end up saved anyway, so why even try?” I already feel like it’s too late for me, that faith has left my heart, that I’ve lost my relationship with God. And I feel like I don’t care enough about it. I keep seeing 6 appear three times in a row and I’m scared it means there are demonic omens following me.
The number thing is common, humans are really good at noticing patterns. It's how our brains are wired, it's why we can do things like math and art and language. I'd say you are, because of the stress you are putting yourself through worried about this, that you have predisposed yourself to noticing this as a pattern, and it escalates. For one, there is nothing inherently evil about three sixes in a row, the number of the beast isn't "six six six" it's six hundred and sixty-six. Further, that number isn't evil in and of itself, the significance of that number, in the Bible, is that the name of the beast adds up to six hundred and sixty-six; in languages like Greek and Hebrew numerals are not their own symbols, but rather letters from their alphabets are assigned numerical values, as such words in Hebrew and Greek can have numerical value by adding up the letters in the name. So, for example, if we take the Greek name
Παύλος (
Paulos, Paul in English) we can find what the numerical value of the name is by adding Π (80) Α (1) Υ (400) Λ (30) Ο (70) and Σ (200). When we do that we find that Παύλος is 781. That's why the St. John of Patmos, the author of the Revelation, writes that 666 is the number of the beast, the number of his name. It's not generically evil, as though numbers can be inherently good or evil--they're just numbers.
As for the rest, you can rest confident in God's goodness and mercy, which is yours, and He shows you that it's yours through Jesus Christ. Christ died
for you.
What if I’m not elect, not one of God’s chosen people? What if that’s why I’m getting no results from all this striving?
Election is a big topic, theologically. Without attempting to open up wide a huge theological debate, I would simply offer how we think of it from the Lutheran POV. Namely this: Election is not about God choosing some and not choosing others to be saved, as though God says, "You, you, but not you". Rather, Election is about God's grace toward us--because Christ died for us, because we have heard the Gospel, and confess this Jesus as our Lord, and have received Baptism (etc) we can rest confidently in God's promise to us. That it's not about us reaching up to try and take hold of God, but rather that God in His kindness has reached down to take hold of us. Election isn't about God picking and choosing; Election is about God's choosing us in Christ, it is His mercy, His love, that love and mercy which He has toward everyone, for Christ died for everyone. The whole and entire world.
I also fear I may have blasphemed the holy spirit (unpardonable sin) when I was younger, I was very angry at God, full of hate, and I think at one point I told Him I wanted nothing to do with Him or at least thought it in my heart.
The consistent opinion and interpretation, down through the centuries, has consistently been that the unpardonable sin isn't just a sin, it is a wholesale, lifelong rejection of God's love, grace, and forgiveness. In other words, the reason why the sin is called unpardonable isn't because God is unwilling or unable to forgive, it's because we refuse and reject His forgiveness. It is called blasphemy against the Holy Spirit because it is the Holy Spirit who is at work, through God's word, to bring us faith, to bring us God's gifts.
You haven't committed the unpardonable sin, no matter what you've said or done. The fact that you're writing this post is very clear evidence that you haven't.
I know fear and doubt are sins…I don’t know how to get out of this. I feel like I’ve lost all my faith, all my trust, all my belief that He loves me…and that I can’t ever restore that now. I'm still trying to seek God daily but it feels so dry now, and that discourages me from trying to seek real spiritual change because I feel like nothing WILL change. I feel like I’m going to die forever and there’s nothing I can do. I can’t feel better no matter what.
In the Gospels we read the story about a man who says to Jesus, "Lord I believe! Help my unbelief!" Doubts are part of the experience of faith, because we are all human, fallible, fragile, weak. Doubts don't mean you lack faith, just as having faith doesn't mean you won't doubt. We learn that here in the Gospel story, we can say to Jesus, "Lord I believe! Help my unbelief!" Yes we have faith, and yet we struggle with faith, so we call upon the Lord. Calling upon Him, even in the midst of our fear and doubt, is not a weakness of faith, but a strength of faith.
You haven't lost faith. Rather, the Lord is even now at work in your life. In this life we will have high points and low points, there will be drought and famine (spiritually and, sometimes literally, the sufferings of the world are part of life in this world). Sometimes we won't feel very spiritual, we won't feel particularly like we have faith--that happens. It's normal, it happens to virtually all of us. These aren't signs that God is absent, rather God is
present. In our long, dark nights God is with us, He's there. We learn to walk, trusting not in our feelings, but rather walking by trusting in God's promises.
Go to where God meets us in His Word and Sacraments, at church. Hear the Gospel, join your prayer to the prayers of the saints, lift up your heart to God with your brothers and sisters, receive the bread and cup of Christ's Supper, that you might be fed and nourished with Christ.
-CryptoLutheran
