I don't have OCD, but I've had my fair share of struggling with fear, confusion and my own inability. I've made my rounds concerning dogma, and came to the limit of my own understanding.
When I can't feel peace, I decide to have it. Perhaps that doesn't make sense. But I know of myself, that if I go after details and details, treat God as a labyrinth of confusing dogma or a machine trapped inside of its own rules, I'll go insane. This is why 1Cor13 has a special place in my heart: we only know in part. No matter how hard we try, we can ever only know in part in this life. Our knowledge, our prophecies, even our faith, they're not perfect. But love is, and love is the greatest of them all. Love will never die. Love is indeed the greatest, and no-one has love greater than God.
Then I think of Christ, who was surrounded by and welcomed simple people. Even the disciples were so dense, our Christ was very patient with them. We can say "but it was enough that Christ was with them", which is true, but Christ never demanded them to run around in a scary labyrinth of dogma and knowledge and terror for years and years before they could be with Him. It was Christ, and simple hopeful trust, and that was enough. Instead of a thousand technicalities we can twist in every direction with our imagination. If we are ill, or just fearful and anxious by nature, our illnesses and feelings will get plenty of ammo. But I don't believe God uses our illnesses against us. The more we stare at ourselves in our awful and fearful state, the less peace we find. It was never in us. But the more we hope in Christ, the better we are. We can go to Him, always ask Him to keep us, even our faith, and go straight to the source. Instead of thinking how good or right can I be, I can go to my God with my worries, ask Him to keep me, and practice my trust in Him, and in His care, instead of my trust in my own understanding and ability. His goodness, His righteousness, His ability, His work of salvation is always better than whatever I could ever muster out of myself. So I take my eyes out of myself, and aim them at Him, and dare to pray.
So whenever I'm anxious, feeling like I don't understand, or afraid that I'm too sinful, I remember when Christ told us not to worry, told us about the flowers and birds, and how God takes far better care of us than we know. It's simply unbelief and fear that stands in the way, blinding our eyes. But Christ knew that, and He still wasn't angry. He knew their unbelief and their tendency to worry about all kinds of things. But He gently reminded them of God's care, and told them how to pray, and even told them that whoever knocks will be answered, whoever asks will receive. He even told them about a man who knocked and asked even after the door was seemingly shut, but he just kept going, and was given everything he needed. God doesn't turn His back on anyone who needs and asks His grace, spirit or care.
He knows every little detail. We can leave our fears, our ignorance, our sin, ourselves to Him. Instead of trying to squeeze the peace of God from our own mind, our own understanding and ability, we can choose to rest in God's care, and DARE to believe with even a childlike hope that He will take care of us, will not lose us, because He gave His Son for us. Not in anger, not because we were (or are) good enough, but because He is love, and His ways do not fail. We are sinners, corrupted in nature, plagued by many illnesses, fears, situations, evils, but He came for us just because of that. To have us, in His way. And He will finish every work that He starts. Myself, I needed (and often still do) to get to the end of myself. To get to the point where I knew, with certainty, that I can do nothing, I am a sinner, fickle, often weak of faith, often failing in what I want to be. That's when I really started to grasp Christ: He is what we aren't, for us. His righteousness for the unrighteous, God for the ungodly. He is that powerful, that good. I wanted to be good enough for Him, failing every time, when He was already good enough for me. Now I can be a child, trust like a child, knowing that I don't know everything. I can be simple, I can even be wrong, and many times I am. Whatever ails us, be it sin, illness, fear, they will have no eternal power over us. We belong to Christ, He paid the price already. If in myself I find nothing, I will find even more in Him.
Hope I didn't confuse you further. I noticed what you said, and I wanted to comfort in some way. It's okay sister, we can all be confused and afraid and weak in so many ways. Many of us go through these things. So many of us.
I like a lot of things CH Spurgeon said. I'm not of the same denomination, but so what. I'll put a few comforting ones here:
“Great thoughts of your sin alone will drive you to despair; but great thoughts of Christ will pilot you into the haven of peace.”
“The sinner is the gospel’s reason for existence. You, my friend, to whom this word now comes, if you are undeserving, ill-deserving, hell-deserving, you are the sort of man for whom the gospel is ordained, and arranged, and proclaimed. God justifieth the ungodly.”
“Are you mourning over your own weakness? Take courage, for there must be a consciousness of weakness before the Lord will give you victory. Your emptiness—is but the preparation for your being filled; and your casting down—is but the making ready for your lifting up!”
“What is the argument which he uses to encourage me? Why, it is his own victory. He says, “I have overcome the world.” His battle was much more severe than mine. I have not yet resisted unto blood. Why do I despair of overcoming? See, my soul, the enemy has been once overcome. I fight with a beaten foe. O world, Jesus has already vanquished thee; and in me, by his grace, he will overcome thee again. Therefore am I of good cheer, and sing unto my conquering Lord.”
“Doubt not his grace because of thy tribulation, but believe that he loveth thee as much in seasons of trouble as in times of happiness.”
“My Lord, I leave the infinite to Thee, and pray Thee to put far from me such a love for the tree of knowledge as might keep me from the tree of life.”
“Beloved, no sin of a believer can now be an arrow mortally to wound him, no condemnation can now be a sword to kill him, for the punishment of our sin was borne by Christ, a full atonement was made for all our iniquities by our blessed Substitute and Surety.”
“If you are not lost, what do you want with a Savior? Should the shepherd go after those who never went astray? Why should the woman sweep her house for the bits of money that were never out of her purse? No, the medicine is for the diseased; the quickening is for the dead; the pardon is for the guilty; liberation is for those who are bound: the opening of eyes is for those who are blind. How can the Savior, and His death upon the cross, and the gospel of pardon, be accounted for, unless it be upon the supposition that men are guilty and worthy of condemnation? The sinner is the gospel's reason for existence.”
“Christ Jesus has no quarrel with his spouse. She often wanders from him, and grieves his Holy Spirit, but he does not allow her faults to affect his love. He sometimes chides, but it is always in the tenderest manner, with the kindest intentions: it is "my love" even then. There is no remembrance of our follies, he does not cherish ill thoughts of us, but he pardons and loves as well after the offence as before it.”
“Do not despair, dear heart, but come to the Lord with all your jagged wounds, black bruises, and running sores. He alone can heal, and He delights to do it. It is our Lord’s office to bind up the brokenhearted, and He is gloriously at home at it.”
“The more grace we have, the less we shall think of ourselves, for grace, like light, reveals our impurity.”
“Remember, therefore, it is not thy hold of Christ that saves thee--it is Christ; it is not thy joy in Christ that saves thee--it is Christ; it is not even faith in Christ, though that be the instrument--it is Christ's blood and merits; therefore, look not so much to thy hand with which thou art grasping Christ, as to Christ; look not to thy hope, but to Jesus, the source of thy hope; look not to thy faith, but to Jesus, the author and finisher of thy faith.”
“May infinite wisdom cure us of the madness of self-confidence!”
“It is the Lord who has begun the good work within us; it is he who has carried it on; and if he does not finish it, it never will be complete. If there be one stitch in the celestial garment of our righteousness which we are to insert ourselves, then we are lost; but this is our confidence, the Lord who began will perfect.”
