How does a person debate other people that go on the attack mode? Why attack somebody else's character? Isn't that a terrible way to debate?
I am not against people attack my ideas. But they don't stop there. They will attack me as a human being. So, how does one continue in a debate like that?
I go into assertive mode. Here are the techniques:
1. Fogging. This is agreeing in principle with the person without changing one's own view or behaviour. It is hard for someone to attack you when you agree with them.
2. Negative enquiry:
Asking, "What is it about what I have said that makes you think [their accusation of you]. When they answer with another accusation, then you repeat the negative enquiry involving the new accusation, repeating it again and again until they give up. The principle is that if they accuse or criticise you they have to justify their criticism. You don't have to defend yourself in any way, but when they stop trying to manipulate you through criticism or accusation, then you can have a respectful and meaningful discussion about the issues.
3. Positive assertion:
This means going right over the top in agreeing with the person. One student asked the assertiveness instructor while he appear so gay as he minced around the campus. The answer was: "When I was young I thought about sex 100 percent of the time, but now I am older I think about it only 50% of the time, so I must be developing that way!"
4. We don't offer free information just because the other person demands it.
5. We don't try and answer a contentious or accusative person's question. We answer it with our own question. When I made a comment to my teenage daughter, she retorted: "What do you mean by that???" I answered, "What do you think I meant?" She just growled under her breath and stalked off to her room. I had that feeling that I had won.
We have assertive rights. We can say to anyone:
"I agree (in principle)".
"I don't understand."
"I don't care."
On a thread just recently I had a series of exchanges with an atheist who was flaming me for my views. I used my assertiveness techniques that must have frustrated him, but he would not give up, so in the end I said, "I don't care". He stopped trying after that.
