Give "Bad" Advice (3)

One a these oughta help ya:


How can I improve my sense of rhythm?

LaSorcia said:

One a these oughta help ya:

How can I improve my sense of rhythm?

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Embody the iambic pentameter; let it be manifest in all that you do, like buttering toast or waving at a friend. And lay off the cheese, it interferes with your rhythm neurons.


How to stop feeling lazy?

use sticky notes/write down EVERTHING you must do
as do things, tear notes up into 4 pieces & throw away
tearing/throwing away notes feels really good





how do I stop tiny sticky notes from ending up on floor, stuck to dog's fur, & tracked all over house on our shoes? (this really happens, lol)

christine40 said:

tearing/throwing away notes feels really good

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I feel this deserves a special mention as being a most excellent piece of really great bad advice.

You could try papering the whole place, including the floors, with that waxy baking paper, probably they wouldn’t stick to that so much? Try it and post photos so we can all have a good laugh um see how good it looks I mean.

tips on obtaining all the benefits of being on a diet without being on a diet?

Binge and purge!

How to get stains out of my carpets?

Carpet stains are impossible to get out. Get out some sharpies and just make some artwork on the rug.

The mayor of Casterbridge is coming to dinner. What should I feed him?

White wine mussels, followed by beer braised scotch fillet and finished with a tiramisu.

Help Madame Defarge with her knitting.

I'm busy this week. I have to help Mr. Pickwick with his papers. Just stitch one purl two or something.


I have to show Billy Pilgrim around town. Where should I take him?

Wherever you take him, just don't protest that death is a terrible thing. At any rate, Billy is dead, so his needs are minimal. Take him to the beach.

What book should I read next?

Go for something strange and cutting edge. Just as 4'33" was avant garde in the music world, so is a blank journal to the literary world.

Should I consider cryopreservation for my pets when they die?

No way. You ever seen what happens to meat left in the freezer too long? Gross. Oh but if they're cats, then yeah go ahead and freeze 'em now.

How can I talk my friend out of going to see Cats? Friends don't let friends see Cats.

Tell your friend it's a musical. That should do it. If that isn't enough, tell your friend that Andrew Lloyd Weber is an undercover cat hater, which means its very premise is hypocritical and a prime target for the current cancel culture.

How can I convince this waitress that chopped steak is not better with gravy?

Oh my goodness, why are you eating chopped steak to begin with? The real question is, how can someone convince you to eat steak tartare?

So, how can rec-roomers convice public hermit to go more gourmet?

I recently ate at a fancy hotel, where they had a pet menu with more expensive food than a normal restaurant feeds humans. Best start with his dogs, then the master will follow. I mean, he is already eating chopped steak...

How can I convince people that a coloured blancmange cannot be called blanc, anymore than 'flavoured water' can be called a water.

by paying me to do a PSA blitz on these matters.

how can i prevent my mouth from becoming dry during sleep?

Buy a waterbed and sleep with your head in the mattress.

How can I keep from getting the corona virus?

Misanthropes and troglodytes are like roaches, they can survive anything.

What can I use in the place of toilet paper?

Use that rough draft of your memoirs.

The corona panic has gotten out of hand here. The grocery store has no food at all on its shelves, save for one item. I'm faced with a serious moral quandary. In order to survive another day, I must either resort to cannibalism, or eat ham and cheese Hot Pockets. What should I do?

Hot Pockets are definitely bad for you, so I think the answer is obvious.

I have an abundance of beans, except I'm a Pythagorean. You know what that means. What are my best options?

Pythagoreans are mathematicians, mathematicians are accountants, accountants are bean counters. So, I don't see what the problem is. Start counting the beans as you eat them and keep a detailed ledger.

What should I watch during this forced home detention?