Give "Bad" Advice (3)

Get a big enough bulldozer and you can roll over anything.

What do I use when the t.p. is gone?

get ye a big ol'e wad of these. heheh


How can I be fantastic?

Grow wings and additional arms, then go to far off lands to guard treasure.

How can I return a favour?

You must save the receipt!

How to get children to clean up after themselves?

Use their college fund to move yourself into a nice, new, clean house. They can live in or clean up their own filth, not your concern any more.

How to develop my fledgling or possibly imaginary telekenisis skils? And did I spell that proper?

I hear eating cat food does wonders for telekinetic powers.

How do I teach myself to like mornings?

Get to know them, go out for a coffee, try and see the good side. Maybe you have something in common? Haven't you read any of those books about like planets and women and stuff?

A cure for catfood induced indigestion - ?

Feed them hairballs to cough up... does the trick with my cats.

How do I train my cats to attack strangers on sight?

Trade in your felix domesticus types for felix panthera.

Where can I find a good horologist? My clepsydra is broken.

The problem is global warming. Evaporation is leading to chronological error. Rather swop the fluid for mercury.

How can get out of long term commitments?

Look, I saw your post in the excuse game about telling your wife you're just friends. Now you want to know how to get out of a long-term commitment. Honestly, I think you need to start taking MDMA, so you can feel all loved-up towards your wife again. Good luck.

What's the best weapon for self defense?

Self de fence? Is that like American for DIY? I wasn’t aware that you also used weapons to paint fences over there, perhaps that would explain the high gun sales. Can’t really help you, I’d suggest a paintbrush might be more traditional.

How can I persuade a car battery not to go into early retirement?

Having had many long discussions with car batteries, I'm convinced they cannot be persuaded or reasoned with. Remember that the purpose of a car battery is to enable an explosion in the engine whenever you start your car. All they understand is violence. You must threaten it with violence.

How can I remain calm while free soloing El Cap?

Benzodiazepines should do the trick. That will keep you calm, no worries.

How can I keep my dog quiet?

same as kids, always wear noise cancel headphones



how do I spin this?

christine40 said:

same as kids, always wear noise cancel headphones



how do I spin this?

Click to expand...

You need to get that ‘tail wagging the dog’ thing down. You can practice by building an enormous model of a dog, with an articulated tail, and waving it around in the street.

I want to re-compose Chopticks to add in a novel ending. But I don’t know anything about music, or anything else much. Looking for a starting point here.

Buy some chopsticks first of all. Real artists get to know their subject thoroughly. I recommend some nice rosewood ones.

How to be awake and alive?

You must, of course, learn how to disco dance.


How to stop dancing long enough to get some other stuff done?

Pray to St. Vitus for help.

I need to know how much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood.

All I can say is that there is a mysterious pile of wood behind my shed that came from somewhere. I have told my wife that I have cleared it all, but despite my saying that, it is still there. You might conclude from that that a woodchuck chucked it, in which case my answer would be about 2.5 m2 of medium sized branches.

How to fine tune my sleeping patterns?