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Most important factors in finding a woman to marry?
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gurneyhalleck1
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She’s gotta like
Rush
Yes
Genesis
Steely Dan
Star Trek
Star Wars
Seinfeld
animals
Be Orthodox
Be a conservative
and like the Airplane movies
As well as be good-looking
that’s right, I set the bar HIGH!
Rush
Yes
Genesis
Steely Dan
Star Trek
Star Wars
Seinfeld
animals
Be Orthodox
Be a conservative
and like the Airplane movies
As well as be good-looking
that’s right, I set the bar HIGH!
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0
nutroll
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I think the most important factor is that you feel that you can work out your salvation with this person. I remember when I got engaged (rather quickly by most peoples' standards) one of my friends asked me how I knew she was right for me, to which I responded that I knew I was right for her. I recognized that this was a person I wanted to spend my life with, and that even if we drove each other crazy, we would stay together and strive together toward the kingdom. To rework that famous statement of JFK: "ask not what your wife can do for you, ask what you can do for your wife." If you are dedicated to her, it matters a lot less if she is dedicated to you. Your salvation can be found even in a faithless, sinful wife. It can't be found in chasing personal fulfillment.
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- Jul 4, 2018
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Thanks for this... I just am having a hard time choosing between seeing this girl I’ve been on 2 dates with and staying single. I haven’t gotten the “attraction” feeling yet, and I don’t know why. How does physical attraction play into this equation too...? I don’t want to force the relationship, but I also don’t want to write her off due to my impatience and lack of discernment. I’ve been praying for patience and discernment, but don’t know whether to keep the relationship going or not (it’s been 2 weeks). I know time may help, but part of me is attracted to her physically and another part of me isn’t. I know that’s superficial of me, but that’s what my mind and heart are telling me at this point in my spiritual maturity
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nutroll
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I'm not sure I can answer that. My wife and I had a long distance relationship with very little time together before we got married. I was ready to marry her before we even met in person, and before I really knew what she looked like. I think physical attraction is nice, but not necessary. I think it often follows other kinds of attraction. We tend to find beauty in what we love whether that's a so-so looking wife, a homely child, a mangy-looking dog, or a beat up car. I would be surprised if attraction didn't develop assuming the relationship blossomed. But you also don't need to keep pursuing a relationship if it doesn't feel likely to progress.
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How does one discern if a relationship is worth pursuing? I don’t want to lead her on nor do I want to be impulsive and cut off from her. I want to give her more time, but not too much time that I hurt her in the process. Any advice in that realm of discernment, or do you not have enough info to know how to answer that aspect of this context?
Please pray for me in this process.
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JohnTh
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There are a lot of good responses in this thread, however I think that holy fathers had some concrete „do this and that” about this matter. Of course, the general principles outlined here apply but sometimes we just need some more concrete advice in certain areas.
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Thanks for this. Question about physical attraction though... why is it not so important? It may be vain of me, but this is something I’m struggling with in the relationship I’m starting now (2 weeks in), part of me finds her physically attractive and another part of me doesn’t). I don’t have that “madness of the flesh,” and that may be helpful in seeing her objectively, but I’m confused on why I don’t have that “madness of the flesh” as I thought that was what attraction was.
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nutroll
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In general, it is good to be honest and to communicate. If you are doing that, then you should be able to figure things out, and she shouldn't get led on. In terms of discernment, I can only tell you what I did, knowing that your mileage may vary. At one point I needed to decide whether to move forward in pursuing a relationship with the woman that became my wife. I asked God to let me know what I should do, and then rather than spending weeks praying just about that, I spent a few hours praying the Psalter. By the time I was finished, I knew the answer. I can't say that I "heard" an answer, but by spending time in prayer, and by not focusing solely on the issue at hand, it became perfectly clear. We often act like toddlers in our spiritual lives, and we spend all our time asking for what we want. We are so busy asking for that thing that we can't hear anything but a clear yes. If the answer is no, we don't listen. If the answer is "not now" we don't listen. We are so focused on what we want that we tune out what God is saying. Don't nag. Make your requests known, and then spend time praying in general, not making requests. Open your heart to God and try to listen.
For what it's worth, you have my prayers.
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gurneyhalleck1
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gurneyhalleck1
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Well, I had to stop the list sometime! 
Ideally ones bride should definitely want to get the led out!
If I had it to do over again, I’d just play a YouTube video of Peter Gabriel at the piano singing “Here Comes the Flood.” If she loves it, she advances to stage two. Not liking it? Don’t call us, we’ll call you.
Ideally ones bride should definitely want to get the led out!
If I had it to do over again, I’d just play a YouTube video of Peter Gabriel at the piano singing “Here Comes the Flood.” If she loves it, she advances to stage two. Not liking it? Don’t call us, we’ll call you.
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If you're to picky you might end up single in the end. This is just my "five cents" on the situation.
I'm european, but I can imagine that its difficult to find a good orthodox woman to marry in the US.
If she's serious about her faith thats the only thing that matters as far as religions concerned.
If its not her top priority, being in a relationship with you might be just what she needs to make it so.
If you're looking for a nun of some sort you'll never find one. Saints doesnt grow out of their mothers wombs, but they become saints through a life lived.
I'm european, but I can imagine that its difficult to find a good orthodox woman to marry in the US.
If she's serious about her faith thats the only thing that matters as far as religions concerned.
If its not her top priority, being in a relationship with you might be just what she needs to make it so.
If you're looking for a nun of some sort you'll never find one. Saints doesnt grow out of their mothers wombs, but they become saints through a life lived.
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I’m trying not to be picky as I know that it’s a really low chance of finding a pious orthodox woman like her.
Mainly what I’m saying in this thread now having thought about it some more is that she is faithful and aligns with my values quite a bit. However, it’s more of a part of me is physically attracted to her and another part of me isn’t. I haven’t yet gotten to the point where I’m super excited to see her and I’m wondering if the physical attractiveness aspect is what’s preventing that “spark” from being cultivated. Is that “romantic spark” needed in a relationship for it to be beneficial/successful?
It’s like everything values/beliefs-wise is perfect, but there’s no “spark” of sorts that I’ve felt in my prior relationships before being Orthodox (I’m 24).
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A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.
She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.
She selects wool and flax
and works with eager hands.
She is like the merchant ships,
bringing her food from afar.
She gets up while it is still night;
she provides food for her family
and portions for her female servants.
She considers a field and buys it;
out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
She sets about her work vigorously;
her arms are strong for her tasks.
She sees that her trading is profitable,
and her lamp does not go out at night.
In her hand she holds the distaff
and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
She opens her arms to the poor
and extends her hands to the needy.
When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
She makes coverings for her bed;
she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
Her husband is respected at the city gate,
where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
She makes linen garments and sells them,
and supplies the merchants with sashes.
She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
“Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all.”
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
Honor her for all that her hands have done,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.
She is worth far more than rubies.
Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.
She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.
She selects wool and flax
and works with eager hands.
She is like the merchant ships,
bringing her food from afar.
She gets up while it is still night;
she provides food for her family
and portions for her female servants.
She considers a field and buys it;
out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
She sets about her work vigorously;
her arms are strong for her tasks.
She sees that her trading is profitable,
and her lamp does not go out at night.
In her hand she holds the distaff
and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
She opens her arms to the poor
and extends her hands to the needy.
When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
She makes coverings for her bed;
she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
Her husband is respected at the city gate,
where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
She makes linen garments and sells them,
and supplies the merchants with sashes.
She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
“Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all.”
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
Honor her for all that her hands have done,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.
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Sparks of that sort are a mysterious thing and may not manifest immediately or maybe not at all. It could be any number of reasons as to why that are more unconscious than anything. You could try seeing her in another setting.
I don't know of the significance of such a spark.
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So, are you saying that a relationship can be good even though there isn’t a “spark?” I agree about different contexts.
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- Apr 25, 2016
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I think sparks aren't always immediate. When my now-husband first asked me out, I was not at all convinced that would go anywhere, but I agreed to see him for a while to see how it worked out. (I expected we would part ways fairly shortly).
Then I fell very seriously ill - like bed-ridden, unable to function for months ill - and he didn't disappear. He did my grocery shopping. He cooked me meals. He passed up time with his friends to sit with me on the couch and watch a movie (which I would fall asleep halfway through, so I wasn't being great company!)
As I recovered from my illness, the way I saw him had radically changed. Now I saw a potential life partner I could rely on. And there were sparks where there hadn't been before. But I had to see something of his heart and his character first.
Then I fell very seriously ill - like bed-ridden, unable to function for months ill - and he didn't disappear. He did my grocery shopping. He cooked me meals. He passed up time with his friends to sit with me on the couch and watch a movie (which I would fall asleep halfway through, so I wasn't being great company!)
As I recovered from my illness, the way I saw him had radically changed. Now I saw a potential life partner I could rely on. And there were sparks where there hadn't been before. But I had to see something of his heart and his character first.
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