Dating without purpose

ThisIsMe123 · Feb 10, 2020

Read this article, and this made me think of a deep conversation I had with a friend....

Christian Dating: Dating with a Purpose And Not Just Fun

There's this long time female friend I know that has a devoted role in her church's musical ensemble. She's kind of in a stand-out position there as she kind of leads the pack in that area of her church.

For a long time she's been single. A divorced, fiercely independent woman. She's had an on again, off again relationship with a man that has been trying to get her down the aisle. He loves her, and she does the same, but...she refuses to ever marry again.

Why?

Because of her previous marriage, WAY back in her 20s, is still impacting her decision to marry again even to this day. She had a quite the damaging ex-spouse...and this has led her down the path of not marrying...ever.

Lately, she was talking to me about her latest break-up with him...and the subject of "dating with purpose" came up as I was wondering if she was aware of such a thing. She became upset, suggesting that as a Christian she should know she should date with the purpose of marriage. Not that I outright said, "As a Christian, you should know this"....but I guess there was no other way of saying this without sounding judgy.

At that point, she wanted to switch subjects and that was that. It wasn't up for discussion. But I was trying to mention that maybe God was trying to tell her something about this on-again-off-again relationship she was having with this man she cares so much about, and perhaps He was planting seeds to steer her down the road to matrimony.

She's approaching 50 and I was wondering why she is still letting a marriage of old impacting her decision now, as I know tons of people that married again. As of now, she's only interested in relationships that don't lead to marriage bells.

But my question is, have you ever come across Christian friends where the conversation like this came up organically when they started talking about their dating issues/problems?

It is interesting that the Bible says very little about dating though. As back in Biblical times women were more like commodities or married out of convenience and not really love. People married in their teens, and just learned to love someone without the issue of seeing "if you're compatible" or "if he was 6 feet or taller"....but save that for a new topic.

Aussie Pete · Feb 10, 2020

ThisIsMe123 said:
Read this article, and this made me think of a deep conversation I had with a friend....

Christian Dating: Dating with a Purpose And Not Just Fun

There's this long time female friend I know that has a devoted role in her church's musical ensemble. She's kind of in a stand-out position there as she kind of leads the pack in that area of her church.

For a long time she's been single. A divorced, fiercely independent woman. She's had an on again, off again relationship with a man that has been trying to get her down the aisle. He loves her, and she does the same, but...she refuses to ever marry again.

Why?

Because of her previous marriage, WAY back in her 20s, is still impacting her decision to marry again even to this day. She had a quite the damaging ex-spouse...and this has led her down the path of not marrying...ever.

Lately, she was talking to me about her latest break-up with him...and the subject of "dating with purpose" came up as I was wondering if she was aware of such a thing. She became upset, suggesting that as a Christian she should know she should date with the purpose of marriage. Not that I outright said, "As a Christian, you should know this"....but I guess there was no other way of saying this without sounding judgy.

At that point, she wanted to switch subjects and that was that. It wasn't up for discussion. But I was trying to mention that maybe God was trying to tell her something about this on-again-off-again relationship she was having with this man she cares so much about, and perhaps He was planting seeds to steer her down the road to matrimony.

She's approaching 50 and I was wondering why she is still letting a marriage of old impacting her decision now, as I know tons of people that married again. As of now, she's only interested in relationships that don't lead to marriage bells.

But my question is, have you ever come across Christian friends where the conversation like this came up organically when they started talking about their dating issues/problems?

It is interesting that the Bible says very little about dating though. As back in Biblical times women were more like commodities or married out of convenience and not really love. People married in their teens, and just learned to love someone without the issue of seeing "if you're compatible" or "if he was 6 feet or taller"....but save that for a new topic.

It seems to me that Christian dating is for the purpose of getting to know the other person. Mark Gungor has a really good take on it. Marrying for "love" depends on what people mean by love. Going into a relationship blind is foolish - I can attest to that big time.

An individual who carries baggage from a bad relationship will make a bad marriage partner. Every marriage has problems. That's usually when the hurt spouse starts to vent and makes a difficult patch much worse. Again, personal experience speaking.....

Festering wounds from the past affect the individual's spiritual life as well. Unforgiveness hinders their walk, as the Lord Jesus warned us. One of the first things I had to do after my marriage hit the rocks was forgive my ex. I could not do it alone. I had tremendous support from a Christian friend who did not take sides or pass judgement. He was one of the few.

Unforgiveness is a blight. For those who struggle with it (everyone) the following article will help.

Can you forgive from your heart? - Christian Life Frankston

OldWiseGuy · Feb 10, 2020

I had a bad marriage, got divorced, never remarried, and I don't date. Some of us aren't cut out for marriage. I'm a happy single man.

HisGraceAbounds · Feb 10, 2020

I've got conflicting feelings on this subject. Not sure I feel particularly strong one way or the other. It's thought provoking.

For the past few months I've thought about putting myself out there a bit, but I'm not sure I could ever marry again. I think I'm at the "I'd like to see about maybe meeting someone I'd like to see again and again", but not much further. A 15 year hiatus is quite the hurdle I've built for myself.

Miles · Feb 10, 2020

I don't date for fun, but I only date women who are fun to be around. It's worth noting that my idea of fun includes quietly working on hobbies or reading books together in the same room, among other things.

An on-again off-again relationship sounds agonizing to me.

dayhiker · Feb 10, 2020

After my divorce there was no desire to marry again. But I'm not sitting home, I'm out there living life without all the restrictions the church has used to define what you have to live life like if you are married. I have so many friends now I have a hard time keeping up with them. I can spend a lot of time with the women I love how as well and so we travel a lot. I've also got to share my faith in Christ much more than I did when I was married and spending all my time in church.
Purpose in dating, same as anytime I spend with another person, to be their friend. People are so hungry for a good friend. So that's what I do is be a good friend to them.

blackribbon · Feb 10, 2020

I am older and a widow. I definitely could see dating for companionship as a possibility at this point in my life even if it wasn't for the purpose of marriage. I think that as long as both people are on the same page and understand the other person's purpose, then it is fine.

As for the woman you talking about, I think it is none of your business. The gentleman in the relationship seems to understand the situation and is ok with it or would have left her by now. And yes, things from our past can be so traumatic that they affect our decisions now...even if they don't make sense to other people. I assume that your childhood still shapes some of the decisions you make. Anyway, this woman's relationship is between her, her gentleman friend, and God. And no one else (unless she has minor children). Her reasons might actually make sense if you knew them...but since you are not part of them, it isn't fair to make assumptions that they are not reasonable.

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) · Feb 10, 2020

A Pastor gave me the advice one day to not enter into any romantic relationship with a woman unless the aim was a potential marriage. I thought that was sound counsel at the time. And by the grace of God, I've been able to keep that as my goal. I can see how things would be different if I were in different life circumstances. But as a 35 year old believer who's never been married with no kids, I see this as the best situation for my life right now.

Sketcher · Feb 10, 2020

ThisIsMe123 said:
...and the subject of "dating with purpose" came up as I was wondering if she was aware of such a thing.

I think those in the church do others in the church a disservice when they claim explicitly or implicitly that "dating with purpose" only means "dating to get married." What about dating to learn how to date well? If that were more encouraged in the church, I might not still be single.

ThisIsMe123 · Feb 10, 2020

Sketcher said:
I think those in the church do others in the church a disservice when they claim explicitly or implicitly that "dating with purpose" only means "dating to get married." What about dating to learn how to date well? If that were more encouraged in the church, I might not still be single.

Well, there has to be some kind of endgame to it, and every lesson taught about dating with purpose ends with marriage, does it not?

ThisIsMe123 · Feb 10, 2020

blackribbon said:
I am older and a widow. I definitely could see dating for companionship as a possibility at this point in my life even if it wasn't for the purpose of marriage. I think that as long as both people are on the same page and understand the other person's purpose, then it is fine.

As for the woman you talking about, I think it is none of your business. The gentleman in the relationship seems to understand the situation and is ok with it or would have left her by now. And yes, things from our past can be so traumatic that they affect our decisions now...even if they don't make sense to other people. I assume that your childhood still shapes some of the decisions you make. Anyway, this woman's relationship is between her, her gentleman friend, and God. And no one else (unless she has minor children). Her reasons might actually make sense if you knew them...but since you are not part of them, it isn't fair to make assumptions that they are not reasonable.

Yes, I probably would have not said anything, but it came up organically and it segued into it. I did find it uncharacteristic as a Christian to stand firm on never marrying again, but still prefer a long term partner and not a husband.

Sketcher · Feb 10, 2020

ThisIsMe123 said:
Well, there has to be some kind of endgame to it, and every lesson taught about dating with purpose ends with marriage, does it not?

As the article you linked said,

That doesn't mean you should marry the first person you date.

So in many cases it won't lead to marriage with the first person you date, nor should it, according to him. The problem is, recycling the "dating is for marriage" mantra has made dating a lot more awkward in the church than it needs to be, where asking a girl out becomes a proposal-lite for a lot of people (even if the girl misunderstands it as such). This eliminates a lot of opportunity for what the relationship could be - a constructive one that helps both people grow into more marriageable people, even if they're not for each other. The result is fewer people in the church equipped to be good husbands and good wives, more people in the church remaining single, and more temptation for those in the church to marry outside of it. That results in more unhappy marriages and divorces, more unequally yoked marriages, fewer couples returning to church, fewer children brought up in the church with two parents that model the faith well to them, and fewer Christians as a percentage of the population in the next generation (absent another great revival). I honestly wish more Christian leaders saw this coming.

More personally, I'm one of the Christians who has been remaining single. We are a body, so the church has helped me with building basic, platonic-level relationships. I wish that had extended to encouraging me to date, and helping me to date well.

Kashina · Mar 10, 2020

ThisIsMe123 said:
Read this article, and this made me think of a deep conversation I had with a friend....

Christian Dating: Dating with a Purpose And Not Just Fun

There's this long time female friend I know that has a devoted role in her church's musical ensemble. She's kind of in a stand-out position there as she kind of leads the pack in that area of her church.

For a long time she's been single. A divorced, fiercely independent woman. She's had an on again, off again relationship with a man that has been trying to get her down the aisle. He loves her, and she does the same, but...she refuses to ever marry again.

Why?

Because of her previous marriage, WAY back in her 20s, is still impacting her decision to marry again even to this day. She had a quite the damaging ex-spouse...and this has led her down the path of not marrying...ever.

Lately, she was talking to me about her latest break-up with him...and the subject of "dating with purpose" came up as I was wondering if she was aware of such a thing. She became upset, suggesting that as a Christian she should know she should date with the purpose of marriage. Not that I outright said, "As a Christian, you should know this"....but I guess there was no other way of saying this without sounding judgy.

At that point, she wanted to switch subjects and that was that. It wasn't up for discussion. But I was trying to mention that maybe God was trying to tell her something about this on-again-off-again relationship she was having with this man she cares so much about, and perhaps He was planting seeds to steer her down the road to matrimony.

She's approaching 50 and I was wondering why she is still letting a marriage of old impacting her decision now, as I know tons of people that married again. As of now, she's only interested in relationships that don't lead to marriage bells.

But my question is, have you ever come across Christian friends where the conversation like this came up organically when they started talking about their dating issues/problems?

It is interesting that the Bible says very little about dating though. As back in Biblical times women were more like commodities or married out of convenience and not really love. People married in their teens, and just learned to love someone without the issue of seeing "if you're compatible" or "if he was 6 feet or taller"....but save that for a new topic.

I feel that she should either get serious or stay single permanently. By being on and off with this man she is essentially hurting him with full knowledge of him want something more. But I do understand how past relationships can make commitment scary again. I feel that talking about the topic of dating with purpose is good because it could get her to see where things are going wrong. She probably thinks about it all the time and wants to be with him but is scared of making the commitment and then having everything go horribly wrong.

bèlla · Apr 28, 2020

For some, micromanaging connections is predictable and safer than allowing them to progress organically. Control doesn’t compel us to open..to feel..or experience the other without fear.

If we lead with the thought it must be this or that we stifle the flow and choke its growth. And the connection is parched and starved for spontaneity and unfiltered engagement.

There is tremendous liberty in not knowing. Of watching the progression without heavy handedness or interference. Au natural without expectations or pressure. Just seeing where it leads. Moment by moment.

You can’t fully experience the other person with agendas and checklists. You’ll miss a lot. It’s more than words. The spaces and silence tell a story you’ll miss when you’re distracted.

Being fully present and available takes courage. But the reward of togetherness and meeting of minds is worth it. You won’t find it in a profile or snippet. It hails in relating. And the moments of laughter and giddiness you experience with each hello.

The knowing comes with time and constancy. Relinquishing the need for certainty and shielding is hard. But we gain more in its absence. And the purpose reveals itself after awhile with the answer. We need only wait and embrace the journey towards it.

~Bella

Dating without purpose

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