Unhappy with our church

derpytia

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I have recently (as of a handful of months ago but started considering doing so years before that) stopped going to the church that I was raised in because I no longer felt like I was a real part of it and I was a bit disgusted with some of things I've seen go on amongst the church's members.

My mom still attends that church but she is increasingly becoming unhappy with it as well. She's even heard more than a few members gossip about other people (even about the pastor's daughter's marriage to someone not Christian after the pastor specifically asked people to be respectful of her choice and not gossip about it and give her their prayers instead) and most of the women at our church treat her poorly because she is a divorced woman and because she had me, her only child, outside of marriage after that divorce.

Even the church workers have treated my mother and I poorly and have been downright rude and catty from time to time without any just cause to be that way. A lot of our members socialize in cliques and groups and if you are not part of any of those cliques you will always sit alone at services, gatherings, and events and no one will ask to join you or for you to join them.

None of this has anything to do with the pastor as he is and has always been a good shepherd to our congregation and has always championed the cause of the needy and the outcast and has show compassion to and helped many many sinners. He is probably one of the best pastors that I've ever known and I would have continued to attend that church just because he is the pastor there were it not for the other things that made me feel uncomfortable being there.

We're sort of at a loss for what to do. We realize that we are all sinners and no one is perfect but it is extremely troubling for a church you've been going to all your life to turn out this way. There are no other churches in the area that are of our denomination (and sub-denomination). :(
 
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Carl Emerson

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I have recently (as of a handful of months ago but started considering doing so years before that) stopped going to the church that I was raised in because I no longer felt like I was a real part of it and I was a bit disgusted with some of things I've seen go on amongst the church's members.

My mom still attends that church but she is increasingly becoming unhappy with it as well. She's even heard more than a few members gossip about other people (even about the pastor's daughter's marriage to someone not Christian after the pastor specifically asked people to be respectful of her choice and not gossip about it and give her their prayers instead) and most of the women at our church treat her poorly because she is a divorced woman and because she had me, her only child, outside of marriage after that divorce.

Even the church workers have treated my mother and I poorly and have been downright rude and catty from time to time without any just cause to be that way. A lot of our members socialize in cliques and groups and if you are not part of any of those cliques you will always sit alone at services, gatherings, and events and no one will ask to join you or for you to join them.

None of this has anything to do with the pastor as he is and has always been a good shepherd to our congregation and has always championed the cause of the needy and the outcast and has show compassion to and helped many many sinners. He is probably one of the best pastors that I've ever known and I would have continued to attend that church just because he is the pastor there were it not for the other things that made me feel uncomfortable being there.

We're sort of at a loss for what to do. We realize that we are all sinners and no one is perfect but it is extremely troubling for a church you've been going to all your life to turn out this way. There are no other churches in the area that are of our denomination (and sub-denomination). :(

Could you go to the Pastor and lay the issues out before him?
 
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derpytia

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Could you go to the Pastor and lay the issues out before him?

I think he already knows to a small degree (which is why he asked the congregation to pray for his daughter instead of gossiping about her) but his wife is also battling cancer and fighting for her life right now and our associate pastor is leaving to work at a different church so he has a lot on his plate right now. We are hesitant to put more on his shoulders at this time.
 
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Heavenhome

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Your pastor sounds a godly man and I think that he values both you and your mothers being there.
I would be hesitant to leave if the pastor was good and it was the people that were the problem.
If I had a good pastor I would be praying a lot about it as I'm sure you do.
As Christians the Bible speaks often of the wheat and tares growing together and other instances where we are warned that our enemies will be from within, not out in the world where the ungodly are easy to recognise. It is within the church (mans church) that we will have the hardest time. The true Church ( Gods church of believers) can rest assured that He sees everything and those who take on His name in vain will be held accountable for it.
Maybe if things are particularly bad you may have to step out for a little bit but I wouldn't do that without telling your pastor and why.
My prayers for you both and God bless you.
 
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Albion

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You are indeed on the 'horns of a dilemma' and I respect the fact that you are reluctant to bolt without acknowledging the good as well as the bad. However, the bad seems to be weighing more than the good in this situation and it affects your mother, too, not just you.

All things considered, therefore, if it were me I would be visiting other churches in order to see if there is a good alternative available. If there is, I would take it and encourage your mother to consider it as well. The situation you described isn't the kind that the pastor can solve, and it isn't something that you can simply decide to live with.
 
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maintenance man

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We're sort of at a loss for what to do. We realize that we are all sinners and no one is perfect but it is extremely troubling for a church you've been going to all your life to turn out this way. There are no other churches in the area that are of our denomination (and sub-denomination).

I have to tell you, I would be inclined to look for a new church; resolving the problem you describe will be extremely difficult; however, it may be God is calling you to be a part of that change. It sounds like there are many people at your church who need help - is there some way you can help? If so, I don't think God wants you to leave the problem to someone else.
 
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com7fy8

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You don't know how other churches are, if you haven't been there. It could be more of the same, or worse of something maybe not the same issues.

Pray, in any case, and God guides us in His peace. So, I would say be prayerful and see how God guides you and don't be pushed around by bullies. Bullies are everywhere; so we need to grow in Jesus so we can not be pushed around by wrong people.

It can help to stay there until you grow in not being pushed around by bullies and social in-crowders. But scout out a home Bible and prayer group of another church nearby. It is possible ones who make time for home sharing groups will be Christian people. Then, if you do find ones who are for real, maybe you can phase yourselves into those people's church. But, yes, even where there are really Christian people, there can be evil people, too, allowed to test us with the exact opposite of how God is blessing us. And then God proves Himself, keeping all He is committed to doing in us and our lives.
 
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ChicanaRose

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We're sort of at a loss for what to do. We realize that we are all sinners and no one is perfect but it is extremely troubling for a church you've been going to all your life to turn out this way. There are no other churches in the area that are of our denomination (and sub-denomination). :(

I'm sorry that you have been going through this and that you do not have the option of choosing another nearby church in your denomination. Maybe you can pray that God will change people's hearts.
 
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Kolleen

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Prayed for you! I completely understand where you’re coming from as I went through similar situation. I was in a church where I felt very uncomfortable. I felt that my pastor betrayed me and the people gossip way too much. However, through time I eventually left church and haven’t been to church for two years. Something happened to my life recently which made me motivate myself to find a new church. The church that I’m now attending is a lot better but obviously no church is perfect as we are all sinners. I told some of the people at this church I’m currently going - why I’m afraid to commit. They were very understanding and was willingly to help me tackle the fair. At the end of the day, I feel like ever since I went to this church I have forgiven the gossips and the betrayal from my pastor.

I do believe you can do the same where you can find a new church where you feel like family once again. Keep praying and I’m sure God will lead you back to him. Also pray for tour current church too. Most people think that because their in a church for so long it’s very hard to detach but personally I feel like as long as you serve and worship God, you may seek for a new church and settle down.
 
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lismore

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I have recently (as of a handful of months ago but started considering doing so years before that) stopped going to the church that I was raised in because I no longer felt like I was a real part of it and I was a bit disgusted with some of things I've seen go on amongst the church's members.

Hello derpytia. Sorry to hear that you and your mother are going through a hard time. Gossiping and cliques are grievous sins and terrible things to experience. But I would say that if you are going to leave a church leave slowly and prayerfully.

Jesus told two relevant parables: the Sheep and the Goats (Matthew 25:31-46), The Wheat and the Weeds (Matthew 13:24-30)

Mixed together in every church are a mixture of believers and unbelievers, Sheep mixed with the goats, wheat mixed with the weeds, God's people mixed with devils. To a greater or lesser extent gossips and cliques will be found in most churches because according to the Lord most churches will have a mixture of God's people and wolves in sheep's clothing. Jumping ship may not automatically solve the problem because in every church you will find them.

Maybe a positive step might be to find others excluded from the cliques- new visitors etc and befriend them. If your church is going through books of the bible on Sunday then soon they will find a clique- busting passage. I think cliques is one of the worst problems the church has today and one of the things grieving the heart of the Lord most. So you're not alone, you have a powerful ally.

If you do decide to leave I pray the Lord will lead you to a good pasture.

God Bless :)
 
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