I wish I was never born...I know I should return to God but don't know how to

I also think a change in perspective would do you a lot of good - both internal perspective and outer circumstances. Since you're off at college, why not use it as an opportunity to shop churches? There is a huge disparity among them. Most of the non-Catholic ones I've been to stress the sermon, but in some churches it is primarily an intellectual affair, while at others the focus is practical spiritual insight that you can apply to your life. And there is a wide variety of warmth among the churches as well. And then there are churches which practice the gifts of the Holy Spirit. The anointing breaks the yoke.

The fact is that we are already here in this very fallen life, and there is no way to go back. Why did God create us, when even we would rather not undergo all the pain here? Because His love for us is greater than we can imagine. Because He sees the big picture and plays the long game, while we are overwhelmed by immediate circumstances. Don't confuse difficult circumstances for a lack of love from God. That hearkens back to the devil's original accusation against God in the Garden.

You also don't have to feel overwhelming emotion when you repent. Repentance is essentially a rethinking of things. And it doesn't mean you instantly change, either. Rather, you sincerely acknowledge your need to change and ask God for help.

In the parable of the sower, the fruitfulness of the third soil type was choked by weeds that represent the cares of this world. It makes sense to close off your emotions to painful things you cannot change, but if that prevents you from exercising a dynamic faith in God you have taken it too far. What's necessary for healing is to distinguish between fallen man, including even our parents, and the God who with perfect love has the power to change us.

Feeding on the Word, through reading, meditation, books, and sermons, is going to strengthen you. Honest, reverent prayer will begin to make God's power real within you. And as He shows you things, bring your life into compliance with them through your decisions. He will give you the perspective and the encouragement you need.

You are young and have your life ahead of you. And you can be powerful in the kingdom of God. So exercise faith in His goodness and ability (Heb 11.6), fighting the good fight of faith. I believe God is going to bless you.

I was just listening to this song while doing my prayer list, maybe someone here needs this message...

I used to think freedom was found in being able to do and be whatever I want.

I now realize freedom is found in God keeping me from what I want so that I can be who He wants.

Your will God.
Not mine.

Hi it seems to me that you are trapped by unbelief. On one side you recognize true facts about the gospel and intellectually you believe them but you see no fruit of what this belief promises you in your life. Jesus said anyone who comes to Him he would give fountains of living water in their innermost being. This sounds like what you want. The fruit of the Spirit is love joy peace and all this things are not based on your circumstances. I have experienced the worst storms and was broken and cried out to Jesus like the woman in the crowd that had the issue of blood for 12 years I was desperate and when I opened the door Jesus stepped through. I was in bad circumstances and those did not change overnight but my peace and joy in my circumstances was greater than the trials. The Lord promises draw near to Him and He will draw near to you. When you get hired at a company they enroll you in a benefit package and give a pamphlet telling you what you now have as part of the company. The book of Ephesians is the benefit package for the Christian and details the benefits you have being in Christ. This acquired is security and hope for the future. You need to spend time on your prayer closet and pour out your heart to the LORD and wait upon him but do not pray like a simp but confess Jesus and call on Him to fill you and your life with meaning and purpose and to take away your despair. Cast your cares on HIm for He cares for you. Get out of your own head and open your heart to receive the promises Jesus made and you will see a big change.

Margaret1022 said:

I know that God created me because He loves me. However, I can't help but grief about my own existence - I always wish I never existed, or that I died at a very young age, so that I never have to go through the sad things I've encountered in this life.

I see no hope in the world nor my future. I even think it is better to die young than live longer because look at the world today - the economy is bad, the political environment feels like WW3 is coming, the environment is getting worse, virus is spreading...My home country is getting increasingly hostile to Christianity and I'm seriously afraid. I really think it's better to die young so that I don't have to face the horrible future (I'm 22). My mom who introduced me to God and Jesus decided to believe in another god and started to give me crystals that "changes luck and brings fortune". My dad was a Christian when he was younger but in recent years he have became extremely hostile to Christians and after he learnt that I was baptized he always asks and talk about difficult Christian topics to challenge my faith and try to make me stop going to Church (he have read a lot of Christian books and philosophies so it was really difficult to convince him otherwise because he knows the Bible more than I do). It feels like it is impossible for my parents to return to God and it makes me guilty to want to give up.

I also struggles to be moved by sermons. Due to past and ongoing family issues, I learnt to mute my emotions so that I wouldn't be heartbroken. As a result I lost most of my ability to feel emotions. Most of the time I don't have any emotions at all. I analyze different situations and pretend that I'm happy/sad/empathetic because I know it is the appropriate emotion at that time, when I honestly feel nothing. This makes me question the point of going to Church and listening to sermon sometimes because they are like lectures to me and I just can't "connect" or feel repentance or faith like others do. Sometimes I doubt if I really do have faith because honestly all I feel in my heart are emptiness and void and I feel nothing when I repent.(I do sincerely acknowledge I have sinned but again I feel nothing when praying for forgiveness). This makes me worried that I'm just a pretend believer, that I'm not truely repenting, and therefore not forgiven. I have to admit a large part why I believe in God is because I don't want to go to hell, but I don't know how to change this mindset.

Surely God would have known all these pain I have to endure and surely He would know I wish I never existed - Why did He still create me? I may have already killed myself or decided not to care for my health anymore (so that I could die soon) years ago if I didn't believe that I would be sent straight to hell if I suicide. This also makes me feel sad and sometimes angry - Life is like a gift that I didn't want, yet I can't throw it away because it would be ungrateful and I would face horrible consequences. I know I can't do anything about it because I was already born, but I just can't stop being sad about the fact that I had to be born.

I don't know what to do - I strayed away from God early last year after some family crisis which broke me apart (This happened a year after I became a believer and started to grow spiritually). I became angry to God, went back to sinning and eventually went to the point where I was seriously considering suicide. Deep down I know I SHOULD go back to God but mentally I'm so exhausted and tired and is not at all motivated to even pray. What can I do? I did try to return to God several times (by praying or reading the Bible) but again the SEVERE feeling of exhaustion from within prevents me from getting close to God again. The thought of praying instantly makes me mentally exhausted. Aside from that I guess my anger towards God is also one of the factors pushing me away.

Any advice or insight is appreciated. I just can't see a way out myself. Not sure if this topic is too sensitive if so someone please guide me to the right forum to post? Or delete this post. Thank you!

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I understand your grim outlook but it’s not the way we are supposed to have to live. Please try turning off all media. If there is music that you listen to that helps you focus on Christ, maybe listen to that. Definitely cut out the news. Please consider The Word of God that follows and ask yourself if you have been trying to follow it.

Phil.4

1. [8] Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

Dear Sister in Christ,

Reading the scriptures can enlighten one's soul. Sorry, to hear about your many struggles. It's especially hard when family members are not on the same page and one feels like they are not connected. I pray you can find a church community that supports you. I remember when I was 12 my parents stop going to church so I walked to the nearest Christian Church. You are now 22 and hopefully are able to drive to get yourself to church. I hope that surrounding yourself by people that love God will encourage you in your life to be steadfast with God.
I am an Orthodox Christian and I know there are some Orthodox Churches in Australia, but it all depends upon where you are located. To know God is to know Love. May you be showered with knowing God's love.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30

“Cast all your anxiety on Him because he cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:7

“Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always.” Psalm 105:4

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6

“It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect.” Psalm 18:3

“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest on me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9

“But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength; they will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary; they will walk and not be faint.” Isaiah 40:31

Margaret1022 said:

I just can't "connect" or feel repentance or faith like others do. Sometimes I doubt if I really do have faith because honestly all I feel in my heart are emptiness and void and I feel nothing when I repent.

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Good quote from late CH Spurgeon:

“I hear another man cry, “Oh, sir my want of strength lies mainly in this, that I cannot repent sufficiently!” A curious idea men have of what repentance is! Many fancy that so many tears are to be shed, and so many groans are to be heaved, and so much despair is to be endured. Whence comes this unreasonable notion? Unbelief and despair are sins, and therefore I do not see how they can be constituent elements of acceptable repentance; yet there are many who regard them as necessary parts of true Christian experience. They are in great error.
Still, I know what they mean, for in the days of my darkness I used to feel in the same way. I desired to repent, but I thought that I could not do it, and yet all the while I was repenting. Odd as it may sound, I felt that I could not feel. I used to get into a corner and weep, because I could not weep; and I fell into bitter sorrow because I could not sorrow for sin. What a jumble it all is when in our unbelieving state we begin to judge our own condition! It is like a blind man looking at his own eyes. My heart was melted within me for fear, because I thought that my heart was as hard as an adamant stone. My heart was broken to think that it would not break. Now I can see that I was exhibiting the very thing which I thought I did not possess; but then I knew not where I was.
Remember that the man who truly repents is never satisfied with his own repentance. We can no more repent perfectly than we can live perfectly. However pure our tears, there will always be some dirt in them: there will be something to be repented of even in our best repentance. But listen! To repent is to change your mind about sin, and Christ, and all the great things of God. There is sorrow implied in this; but the main point is the turning of the heart from sin to Christ. If there be this turning, you have the essence of true repentance, even though no alarm and no despair should ever have cast their shadow upon your mind.”

There is a struggle and a trap where I often myself in: I start to look at myself, inward, to my emotions or feelings or circumstances and try to determine God's love for me through my own warped lens of experiental existence. My depression and anxiety have made sure that most of the time I simply cannot trust my feelings, as they are at war against me, and they are always fleeting. But I shouldn't look at myself, or my own ability (or inability). I find no answers there, just weakness, confusion, inability and failure. To some extent it can be good to know this, to know from experience how impossible and weak we can be, so that we can learn to simply trust Him, instead of trusting our own confused efforts to get to Him. I should look at Christ instead, how He is perfect for us already.

I shouldn't look at Him as if I had to struggle upwards, against all odds, to get to Him; instead I should look at Him as a savior who comes down to sinners, lowers Himself to our level and actively seeks our hearts. All things are perfected in and through Him. I just have to take it by faith, against every emotion and in the middle of all circumstances. If I'm weak, if I'm sick, or if I'm just a plain old sinner, I have hope through it all regardless if I FEEL hopeful or not. It's not about my ability to believe or act perfectly, it's about practicing faith that goes through all that crap, straight to the source, and grasps Christ. It's not the strength of my grasp, it's who I'm grasping. I know my grasp is weak, but He is not.

Margaret1022 said:

I know that God created me because He loves me. However, I can't help but grief about my own existence - I always wish I never existed, or that I died at a very young age, so that I never have to go through the sad things I've encountered in this life.

I see no hope in the world nor my future. I even think it is better to die young than live longer because look at the world today - the economy is bad, the political environment feels like WW3 is coming, the environment is getting worse, virus is spreading...My home country is getting increasingly hostile to Christianity and I'm seriously afraid. I really think it's better to die young so that I don't have to face the horrible future (I'm 22). My mom who introduced me to God and Jesus decided to believe in another god and started to give me crystals that "changes luck and brings fortune". My dad was a Christian when he was younger but in recent years he have became extremely hostile to Christians and after he learnt that I was baptized he always asks and talk about difficult Christian topics to challenge my faith and try to make me stop going to Church (he have read a lot of Christian books and philosophies so it was really difficult to convince him otherwise because he knows the Bible more than I do). It feels like it is impossible for my parents to return to God and it makes me guilty to want to give up.

I also struggles to be moved by sermons. Due to past and ongoing family issues, I learnt to mute my emotions so that I wouldn't be heartbroken. As a result I lost most of my ability to feel emotions. Most of the time I don't have any emotions at all. I analyze different situations and pretend that I'm happy/sad/empathetic because I know it is the appropriate emotion at that time, when I honestly feel nothing. This makes me question the point of going to Church and listening to sermon sometimes because they are like lectures to me and I just can't "connect" or feel repentance or faith like others do. Sometimes I doubt if I really do have faith because honestly all I feel in my heart are emptiness and void and I feel nothing when I repent.(I do sincerely acknowledge I have sinned but again I feel nothing when praying for forgiveness). This makes me worried that I'm just a pretend believer, that I'm not truely repenting, and therefore not forgiven. I have to admit a large part why I believe in God is because I don't want to go to hell, but I don't know how to change this mindset.

Surely God would have known all these pain I have to endure and surely He would know I wish I never existed - Why did He still create me? I may have already killed myself or decided not to care for my health anymore (so that I could die soon) years ago if I didn't believe that I would be sent straight to hell if I suicide. This also makes me feel sad and sometimes angry - Life is like a gift that I didn't want, yet I can't throw it away because it would be ungrateful and I would face horrible consequences. I know I can't do anything about it because I was already born, but I just can't stop being sad about the fact that I had to be born.

I don't know what to do - I strayed away from God early last year after some family crisis which broke me apart (This happened a year after I became a believer and started to grow spiritually). I became angry to God, went back to sinning and eventually went to the point where I was seriously considering suicide. Deep down I know I SHOULD go back to God but mentally I'm so exhausted and tired and is not at all motivated to even pray. What can I do? I did try to return to God several times (by praying or reading the Bible) but again the SEVERE feeling of exhaustion from within prevents me from getting close to God again. The thought of praying instantly makes me mentally exhausted. Aside from that I guess my anger towards God is also one of the factors pushing me away.

Any advice or insight is appreciated. I just can't see a way out myself. Not sure if this topic is too sensitive if so someone please guide me to the right forum to post? Or delete this post. Thank you!

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This vision of the world about two centuries from now that was shown to near death experiencer and former Skeptic Howard Storm encouraged me greatly and may help you to become more positive.

I believe that all of us are setting the stage for this massive shift that will lead to the Holy Spirit being poured out on all flesh as predicted in Isaiah, Jeremiah, Ezekiel and the minor prophets.

Isaiah 11

Howard Storm's Near-Death Experience

The image of the future that they gave me then, and it was their image, not one that I created, surprised me. My image had previously been sort of like Star Wars, where everything was space age, plastics, and technology.



The future that they showed me was almost no technology at all. What everybody, absolutely everybody, in this euphoric future spent most of their time doing was raising children. The chief concern of people was children, and everybody considered children to be the most precious commodity in the world.



And when a person became an adult, there was no sense of anxiety, nor hatred, nor competition.



There was this enormous sense of trust and mutual respect. If a person, in this view of the future, became disturbed, then the community of people all cared about the disturbed person falling away from the harmony of the group. Spiritually, through prayer and love, the others would elevate the afflicted person.



What people did with the rest of their time was that they gardened, with almost no physical effort. They showed me that plants, with prayer, would produce huge fruits and vegetables.



People, in unison, could control the climate of the planet through prayer. Everybody would work with mutual trust and the people would call the rain, when needed, and the sun to shine.



Animals lived with people, in harmony.



People, in this best of all worlds, weren't interested in knowledge; they were interested in wisdom. This was because they were in a position where anything they needed to know, in the knowledge category, they could receive simply through prayer. Everything, to them, was solvable. They could do anything they wanted to do.



In this future, people had no wanderlust, because they could, spiritually, communicate with everyone else in the world. There was no need to go elsewhere. They were so engrossed with where they were and the people around them that they didn't have to go on vacation. Vacation from what? They were completely fulfilled and happy.

Death, in this world, was a time when the individual had experienced everything that he or she needed to experience. To die meant to lie down and let go; then the spirit would rise up, and the community would gather around. There would be a great rejoicing, because they all had insight into the heavenly realm, and the spirit would join with the angels that came down to meet it. They could see the spirit leave and knew that it was time for the spirit to move on; it had outgrown the need for growth in this world. Individuals who died had achieved all they were capable of in this world in terms of love, appreciation, understanding, and working in harmony with others.

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Margaret1022 said:

I know that God created me because He loves me. However, I can't help but grief about my own existence - I always wish I never existed, or that I died at a very young age, so that I never have to go through the sad things I've encountered in this life.

I see no hope in the world nor my future. I even think it is better to die young than live longer because look at the world today - the economy is bad, the political environment feels like WW3 is coming, the environment is getting worse, virus is spreading...My home country is getting increasingly hostile to Christianity and I'm seriously afraid. I really think it's better to die young so that I don't have to face the horrible future (I'm 22). My mom who introduced me to God and Jesus decided to believe in another god and started to give me crystals that "changes luck and brings fortune". My dad was a Christian when he was younger but in recent years he have became extremely hostile to Christians and after he learnt that I was baptized he always asks and talk about difficult Christian topics to challenge my faith and try to make me stop going to Church (he have read a lot of Christian books and philosophies so it was really difficult to convince him otherwise because he knows the Bible more than I do). It feels like it is impossible for my parents to return to God and it makes me guilty to want to give up.

I also struggles to be moved by sermons. Due to past and ongoing family issues, I learnt to mute my emotions so that I wouldn't be heartbroken. As a result I lost most of my ability to feel emotions. Most of the time I don't have any emotions at all. I analyze different situations and pretend that I'm happy/sad/empathetic because I know it is the appropriate emotion at that time, when I honestly feel nothing. This makes me question the point of going to Church and listening to sermon sometimes because they are like lectures to me and I just can't "connect" or feel repentance or faith like others do. Sometimes I doubt if I really do have faith because honestly all I feel in my heart are emptiness and void and I feel nothing when I repent.(I do sincerely acknowledge I have sinned but again I feel nothing when praying for forgiveness). This makes me worried that I'm just a pretend believer, that I'm not truely repenting, and therefore not forgiven. I have to admit a large part why I believe in God is because I don't want to go to hell, but I don't know how to change this mindset.

Surely God would have known all these pain I have to endure and surely He would know I wish I never existed - Why did He still create me? I may have already killed myself or decided not to care for my health anymore (so that I could die soon) years ago if I didn't believe that I would be sent straight to hell if I suicide. This also makes me feel sad and sometimes angry - Life is like a gift that I didn't want, yet I can't throw it away because it would be ungrateful and I would face horrible consequences. I know I can't do anything about it because I was already born, but I just can't stop being sad about the fact that I had to be born.

I don't know what to do - I strayed away from God early last year after some family crisis which broke me apart (This happened a year after I became a believer and started to grow spiritually). I became angry to God, went back to sinning and eventually went to the point where I was seriously considering suicide. Deep down I know I SHOULD go back to God but mentally I'm so exhausted and tired and is not at all motivated to even pray. What can I do? I did try to return to God several times (by praying or reading the Bible) but again the SEVERE feeling of exhaustion from within prevents me from getting close to God again. The thought of praying instantly makes me mentally exhausted. Aside from that I guess my anger towards God is also one of the factors pushing me away.

Any advice or insight is appreciated. I just can't see a way out myself. Not sure if this topic is too sensitive if so someone please guide me to the right forum to post? Or delete this post. Thank you!

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What I do is doing what I can to make this place better, and I know this can only be done through Jesus, serving God and helping people. If I can be a Christ light in the world, there is a victory, then this place is allready better. As I serve I try to encourage others to do the same. There is hope my friend, Christ has won victory over sin and evil.

Margaret1022 said:

Any advice or insight is appreciated. I just can't see a way out myself. Not sure if this topic is too sensitive if so someone please guide me to the right forum to post? Or delete this post. Thank you!

Click to expand...

You have to seek professional help. Don't worry about religion, the doctrines that are correct, the denominations that are true, who is reading/following the Bible correctly. You are never going to get a peace of mind.

I also advice to not go here for actual life advice.

I used to think like you, im the worst of the worst, Abominations...I almost lost my life to a prison sentence of 20 years at 85% time required bc it was considered a violent crime, I had a plan once to take my gun at the edge of a cliffside to shoot myself and fall off the cliff so my body couldnt be found by my family...the whole mindset your in is of the flesh/sin and Id say you very well maybe getting Chastised(inflicted pain upon) it takes more pain for some than others until they can step back and say, what the heck have I been doing! I hate myself! "He who destroys his own soul shall save it" if the Father loves you, He will Chastise you brother! Bet. And once you realize youve truly been chastized by Him! the spirit of His fear will fall upon you, who the Father doesnt Chastize is a basterd...your only 22, by the time you hit 27 I gurentee your chastizment will be over, and you will start to understand the greatness! And how your life does not belong to you even, its on borrowed time, all Life Belongs to the Most High! And you will die one day, but you would never wanna die in your current mindset. Stay up brother, and realize things are happening in your life, go off to yourself and study and pray, when your chastisment is over, you will be a new man, I promise.

To the point of the OP, there was a time that I felt very similar. I wish that I had not been born or died early on.

I found over time, that what was really going on was I was not wanting to be accountable to the Lord, not wanting to acknowledge Him, not wanting to trust in Him, etc.

By not being born, or dying early, I would not be subject to the penalties of my actions in this life. At best, just not experience the evil of this world. It was an escapist mentality, and more importantly, it was a self centered perspective I had.

Once I learned to accept Yeshua, embrace the forgiveness offered freely by trusting in Him, and broadening my horizons and realize that everything that goes on in life is meant for His purpose in me, my perspective began to change.

There is a reason that we experience the evil of this world. To teach us to trust Him and to help others who go thru similar experiences. As the scripture says....

Romans 8:28 (NKJV) And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.

For me, what probably drug me down for the longest time was my military service and experience in the early 1970's. Even to this day, I rarely get thru a day that it does not come to mind in some way. A smell, a noise, etc can trigger it. It left some very deep scars. It is the thorn in my side that the evil ones twist every now and then to disrupt me. If it were not for the Lord, no telling what I would be. Probably a total basket case.

Focus solely on the Lord. Don't expect to be perfect. Simply trust in Him for every breath every day. And know that He loves you. Don't allow the cares of this world drag you down. Just as when Peter took his eyes off of Yeshua and began to sink in the water, so it is with all of us. When we take our eyes off of Yeshua, the world will overwhelm us..... and QUICKLY!

Thank the Lord every morning for the new day. Thank Him for everything in your life, even each breath. When one begins to thank Him for every detail in life, then the days are much easier to live with. Pray for fellow believers around the world, especially those who are suffering. That is one of the key things in my life that gives me purpose. That I can intercede for my brothers and sisters in the Lord and petition the Lord for their care and perseverance.

Margaret1022 said:

I know that God created me because He loves me. However, I can't help but grief about my own existence - I always wish I never existed, or that I died at a very young age, so that I never have to go through the sad things I've encountered in this life.

I see no hope in the world nor my future. I even think it is better to die young than live longer because look at the world today - the economy is bad, the political environment feels like WW3 is coming, the environment is getting worse, virus is spreading...My home country is getting increasingly hostile to Christianity and I'm seriously afraid. I really think it's better to die young so that I don't have to face the horrible future (I'm 22). My mom who introduced me to God and Jesus decided to believe in another god and started to give me crystals that "changes luck and brings fortune". My dad was a Christian when he was younger but in recent years he have became extremely hostile to Christians and after he learnt that I was baptized he always asks and talk about difficult Christian topics to challenge my faith and try to make me stop going to Church (he have read a lot of Christian books and philosophies so it was really difficult to convince him otherwise because he knows the Bible more than I do). It feels like it is impossible for my parents to return to God and it makes me guilty to want to give up.

I also struggles to be moved by sermons. Due to past and ongoing family issues, I learnt to mute my emotions so that I wouldn't be heartbroken. As a result I lost most of my ability to feel emotions. Most of the time I don't have any emotions at all. I analyze different situations and pretend that I'm happy/sad/empathetic because I know it is the appropriate emotion at that time, when I honestly feel nothing. This makes me question the point of going to Church and listening to sermon sometimes because they are like lectures to me and I just can't "connect" or feel repentance or faith like others do. Sometimes I doubt if I really do have faith because honestly all I feel in my heart are emptiness and void and I feel nothing when I repent.(I do sincerely acknowledge I have sinned but again I feel nothing when praying for forgiveness). This makes me worried that I'm just a pretend believer, that I'm not truely repenting, and therefore not forgiven. I have to admit a large part why I believe in God is because I don't want to go to hell, but I don't know how to change this mindset.

Surely God would have known all these pain I have to endure and surely He would know I wish I never existed - Why did He still create me? I may have already killed myself or decided not to care for my health anymore (so that I could die soon) years ago if I didn't believe that I would be sent straight to hell if I suicide. This also makes me feel sad and sometimes angry - Life is like a gift that I didn't want, yet I can't throw it away because it would be ungrateful and I would face horrible consequences. I know I can't do anything about it because I was already born, but I just can't stop being sad about the fact that I had to be born.

I don't know what to do - I strayed away from God early last year after some family crisis which broke me apart (This happened a year after I became a believer and started to grow spiritually). I became angry to God, went back to sinning and eventually went to the point where I was seriously considering suicide. Deep down I know I SHOULD go back to God but mentally I'm so exhausted and tired and is not at all motivated to even pray. What can I do? I did try to return to God several times (by praying or reading the Bible) but again the SEVERE feeling of exhaustion from within prevents me from getting close to God again. The thought of praying instantly makes me mentally exhausted. Aside from that I guess my anger towards God is also one of the factors pushing me away.

Any advice or insight is appreciated. I just can't see a way out myself. Not sure if this topic is too sensitive if so someone please guide me to the right forum to post? Or delete this post. Thank you!

Click to expand...

I am sixty years old and now that I had the free time to read your entire post I feel that there is a massive calling on your life to be able to reach out to others through this open door of the internet and assist them to find relief for these very big problems that you are going through.

Over these past three years I found tremendous encouragement from a book that I listened to over and over again when I was too tired to read.

The most relevant part of this begins after the 2:20:00 mark in the video. It is brilliantly done and reminds me very much of the writings of C. S. Lewis. I am certain that this will begin to raise you up out of this low place of discouragement. (The entire book is brilliant but the people who Pastor Rick Joyner dreamed about meeting in the Outer Darkness of Heaven..... .is profoundly encouraging)!



TextVideo: The Final Quest by Rick Joyner

Margaret1022 said:

I also struggles to be moved by sermons. Due to past and ongoing family issues, I learnt to mute my emotions so that I wouldn't be heartbroken. As a result I lost most of my ability to feel emotions. Most of the time I don't have any emotions at all. I analyze different situations and pretend that I'm happy/sad/empathetic because I know it is the appropriate emotion at that time, when I honestly feel nothing. This makes me question the point of going to Church and listening to sermon sometimes because they are like lectures to me and I just can't "connect" or feel repentance or faith like others do. Sometimes I doubt if I really do have faith because honestly all I feel in my heart are emptiness and void and I feel nothing when I repent.(I do sincerely acknowledge I have sinned but again I feel nothing when praying for forgiveness). This makes me worried that I'm just a pretend believer, that I'm not truely repenting, and therefore not forgiven. I have to admit a large part why I believe in God is because I don't want to go to hell, but I don't know how to change this mindset.

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You've learned to mute your emotions - but you're feeling despair. That's a load you can't carry. But God can meet you where you're at.

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you." - 1 Peter 5:6-7

You doubt that you have faith - but you're a functioning, reasoning human being, so you will have faith in something. If nothing else, you'll have faith that whatever way of thinking or living that you choose will be less painful and/or more correct for you than the alternatives. Even unbelievers have that kind of faith, whether they admit it or not. So everyone will have some faith in something. The question is, what all will people have faith in, including and beyond that?

Faith in the Lord is not emotionalism. It is trust in him when all the dots aren't connected yet. Hebrews 11 talks about it, and gives examples of people who had great faith. And verse 6 talks about where faith begins to grow:

"And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him." - Hebrews 11:6

In other words, if you can cry out to God, you're doing so because you believe that he might hear you, and be inclined to help you. If you didn't believe he exists or cares, you wouldn't bother. If you believed it would bring punishment, you'd keep your mouth shut. But to take that step of faith and cry out - that's evidence that something's alive in you.

Faith therefore, is not emotionalism. Someone who is less emotional than the charismatic ideal can have a very active and healthy faith in the Lord. It is simply believing what God has told you, like you would believe what a good, honest, and diligent friend would tell you. And it is holding onto what you were told.

Margaret1022 said:

I know that God created me because He loves me. However, I can't help but grief about my own existence - I always wish I never existed, or that I died at a very young age, so that I never have to go through the sad things I've encountered in this life.

I see no hope in the world nor my future. I even think it is better to die young than live longer because look at the world today - the economy is bad, the political environment feels like WW3 is coming, the environment is getting worse, virus is spreading...My home country is getting increasingly hostile to Christianity and I'm seriously afraid. I really think it's better to die young so that I don't have to face the horrible future (I'm 22).

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God wants you in his army for these times. He has given us life, and things to do in this life. For Christians, he has given us purpose:

"For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them." - Ephesians 2:10

You potentially have many years ahead of you, and many good works to do. Look out for them, don't miss them. Do them, and grow yourself, so that at the end of your life, God will say, "Well done, good and faithful servant!"

Margaret1022 said:

I know that God created me because He loves me. However, I can't help but grief about my own existence - I always wish I never existed, or that I died at a very young age, so that I never have to go through the sad things I've encountered in this life.

I see no hope in the world nor my future. I even think it is better to die young than live longer because look at the world today - the economy is bad, the political environment feels like WW3 is coming, the environment is getting worse, virus is spreading...My home country is getting increasingly hostile to Christianity and I'm seriously afraid. I really think it's better to die young so that I don't have to face the horrible future (I'm 22). My mom who introduced me to God and Jesus decided to believe in another god and started to give me crystals that "changes luck and brings fortune". My dad was a Christian when he was younger but in recent years he have became extremely hostile to Christians and after he learnt that I was baptized he always asks and talk about difficult Christian topics to challenge my faith and try to make me stop going to Church (he have read a lot of Christian books and philosophies so it was really difficult to convince him otherwise because he knows the Bible more than I do). It feels like it is impossible for my parents to return to God and it makes me guilty to want to give up.

I also struggles to be moved by sermons. Due to past and ongoing family issues, I learnt to mute my emotions so that I wouldn't be heartbroken. As a result I lost most of my ability to feel emotions. Most of the time I don't have any emotions at all. I analyze different situations and pretend that I'm happy/sad/empathetic because I know it is the appropriate emotion at that time, when I honestly feel nothing. This makes me question the point of going to Church and listening to sermon sometimes because they are like lectures to me and I just can't "connect" or feel repentance or faith like others do. Sometimes I doubt if I really do have faith because honestly all I feel in my heart are emptiness and void and I feel nothing when I repent.(I do sincerely acknowledge I have sinned but again I feel nothing when praying for forgiveness). This makes me worried that I'm just a pretend believer, that I'm not truely repenting, and therefore not forgiven. I have to admit a large part why I believe in God is because I don't want to go to hell, but I don't know how to change this mindset.

Surely God would have known all these pain I have to endure and surely He would know I wish I never existed - Why did He still create me? I may have already killed myself or decided not to care for my health anymore (so that I could die soon) years ago if I didn't believe that I would be sent straight to hell if I suicide. This also makes me feel sad and sometimes angry - Life is like a gift that I didn't want, yet I can't throw it away because it would be ungrateful and I would face horrible consequences. I know I can't do anything about it because I was already born, but I just can't stop being sad about the fact that I had to be born.

I don't know what to do - I strayed away from God early last year after some family crisis which broke me apart (This happened a year after I became a believer and started to grow spiritually). I became angry to God, went back to sinning and eventually went to the point where I was seriously considering suicide. Deep down I know I SHOULD go back to God but mentally I'm so exhausted and tired and is not at all motivated to even pray. What can I do? I did try to return to God several times (by praying or reading the Bible) but again the SEVERE feeling of exhaustion from within prevents me from getting close to God again. The thought of praying instantly makes me mentally exhausted. Aside from that I guess my anger towards God is also one of the factors pushing me away.

Any advice or insight is appreciated. I just can't see a way out myself. Not sure if this topic is too sensitive if so someone please guide me to the right forum to post? Or delete this post. Thank you!

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The Christian life is laborious. We are told to take up our cross and follow Jesus. We are told to follow after holiness and to persevere until the end. Through many tribulations we enter the Kingdom.
It's important that we realize that we cannot do it ourselves. Jesus said that we must abide Him for, without Him, we can do nothing. But, through the strength He gives to us, we can do all things. Paul said that he had learned, in all things, to be content.

Galatians 6:7-10
Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that will he also reap. For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life. And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. So then, as we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone, and especially to those who are of the household of faith.

Albion said:

Margaret, it sounds like you might gain a fresh perspective if you: 1] did not live with your parents (I don't know how old you are or how soon this could happen), and you 2] chose a different Christian church.

Don't despair just yet.

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I'd just like to say from reading the OP's comment, I was thinking similarly about the possiblity that having a place of her own might be step worth considering. It definately can be a help to have one's own space, and then visiting home and parents from time to time, or keeping in touch over the phone.

Margaret1022 said:

I know that God created me because He loves me. However, I can't help but grief about my own existence - I always wish I never existed, or that I died at a very young age, so that I never have to go through the sad things I've encountered in this life.

I see no hope in the world nor my future. I even think it is better to die young than live longer because look at the world today - the economy is bad, the political environment feels like WW3 is coming, the environment is getting worse, virus is spreading...My home country is getting increasingly hostile to Christianity and I'm seriously afraid. I really think it's better to die young so that I don't have to face the horrible future (I'm 22). My mom who introduced me to God and Jesus decided to believe in another god and started to give me crystals that "changes luck and brings fortune". My dad was a Christian when he was younger but in recent years he have became extremely hostile to Christians and after he learnt that I was baptized he always asks and talk about difficult Christian topics to challenge my faith and try to make me stop going to Church (he have read a lot of Christian books and philosophies so it was really difficult to convince him otherwise because he knows the Bible more than I do). It feels like it is impossible for my parents to return to God and it makes me guilty to want to give up.

I also struggles to be moved by sermons. Due to past and ongoing family issues, I learnt to mute my emotions so that I wouldn't be heartbroken. As a result I lost most of my ability to feel emotions. Most of the time I don't have any emotions at all. I analyze different situations and pretend that I'm happy/sad/empathetic because I know it is the appropriate emotion at that time, when I honestly feel nothing. This makes me question the point of going to Church and listening to sermon sometimes because they are like lectures to me and I just can't "connect" or feel repentance or faith like others do. Sometimes I doubt if I really do have faith because honestly all I feel in my heart are emptiness and void and I feel nothing when I repent.(I do sincerely acknowledge I have sinned but again I feel nothing when praying for forgiveness). This makes me worried that I'm just a pretend believer, that I'm not truely repenting, and therefore not forgiven. I have to admit a large part why I believe in God is because I don't want to go to hell, but I don't know how to change this mindset.

Surely God would have known all these pain I have to endure and surely He would know I wish I never existed - Why did He still create me? I may have already killed myself or decided not to care for my health anymore (so that I could die soon) years ago if I didn't believe that I would be sent straight to hell if I suicide. This also makes me feel sad and sometimes angry - Life is like a gift that I didn't want, yet I can't throw it away because it would be ungrateful and I would face horrible consequences. I know I can't do anything about it because I was already born, but I just can't stop being sad about the fact that I had to be born.

I don't know what to do - I strayed away from God early last year after some family crisis which broke me apart (This happened a year after I became a believer and started to grow spiritually). I became angry to God, went back to sinning and eventually went to the point where I was seriously considering suicide. Deep down I know I SHOULD go back to God but mentally I'm so exhausted and tired and is not at all motivated to even pray. What can I do? I did try to return to God several times (by praying or reading the Bible) but again the SEVERE feeling of exhaustion from within prevents me from getting close to God again. The thought of praying instantly makes me mentally exhausted. Aside from that I guess my anger towards God is also one of the factors pushing me away.

Any advice or insight is appreciated. I just can't see a way out myself. Not sure if this topic is too sensitive if so someone please guide me to the right forum to post? Or delete this post. Thank you!

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Hi Margaret1022

I can actually identify with all you are going through. I was also raised in the Christian Faith - Lutheran. I learned the Gospel. Even so, this Gospel knowledge had little power in my life, and I understood very little in a spiritual sense, until I came to a very low point in my life.

Leading up to that low point, I wondered what the meaning or purpose for life was, and had similar questions regarding life as you are presently going through. This question - "What is the reason or purpose for living?" - gnawed at me for years and increasingly tormented me as my time continued. In my late teens to early twenties, I finally gave up my desire to live, and my body was actually shutting down, unable to hold down food any longer.

To explain in greater detail, I would go through cycles of depression not eating for days at a time until I could force myself to find something of interest to take my mind off of that haunting question – "What is the reason or purpose for living?" Each cycle would last longer, and became more difficult to overcome, and occurred more quickly after a recovery from a previous cycle of depression. As each cycle passed, I became physically weaker and was losing more weight. I was chronically depressed.

So, at my lowest point I was near death after my last cycle of not eating and barely drinking any fluids for 8 days. During that last episode I lay in my bed knowing I would not be able to pull myself out of this last cycle. It was then that I made my first sincere prayer to the God of Life. . .

I thanked God for the life He gave me, and told Him I was sorry for what seemed to be my dissatisfaction with my life and lack of appreciation for the life He gave me. I explained to God that I was sorry I was now dying, that I was not committing suicide, and was not trying to disrespect Him or the life he entrusted me with, nor was I trying to die, so please don’t hold this against me… I just don’t understand what the purpose of life is.

I continued by saying, “I know you are the Origin of Life and that you are Life; so, if you can forgive me, then please show me what that life is so that I may live. If not, then please let me die in peace and put me out of existence; please do not condemn me to hell.”

After that prayer, I lay down in my bed with a peace I have not known in a very long time, because I finally gave up trying to hold on to my life, and surrendered my life in God’s hands. So I found peace in my mind.

After about a minute since finishing my prayer, I heard in my mind, the phrase, “Help others.” The words were simple, but when I heard them, I then remembered and understood all the Scriptures – the teachings, parables, lessons, and instruction regarding life in Christ that I had been taught in Sunday School and Church. . .

What this all boils down to is that I realized that I must die to selfish ambition so that I may now become a vessel of God’s love to others – to Love others as Christ loves us. This is LIFE. This LIFE is true purpose for living according to God, who is Life.

So, as I lay there, I thanked God with astonishment, happiness, and with tears for answering my prayer. In humility and thankfulness to God for the gracious gift of His salvation through the sacrifice of himself for us in the person of Christ Jesus, the Word of God incarnate, I accepted the Gospel invitation, committing to repenting of my life in slavery to selfish ambition as part of this world.

In place of the old master, I have put my faith in Jesus Christ to be my only Master, Lord and Savior of my life – to follow Him into the Life of Love He so carefully taught and illustrated to us in so many ways with His own life being the living example. Despite what anyone else may tell you, this is the only faith the Bible teaches is acceptable to God, and of which baptism represents. (Rom 6; Col 2:11-12). I now had a purpose and reason for living that I never had before.

By a repentant faith in Christ, I know from Scripture that God indwells me by His Spirit who empowers my faith to daily crucify myself to slavery to my fleshly nature, and to empower my faith commitment to live my life in obedience to Jesus Christ - to listen to and follow Him into a life of love and service to others; to be His disciple. This is my true and proper worship to God, just as Lord Jesus commands of all those who claim to believe in Him, and of which Lord Jesus commanded in the “Great Commission” (Lk 9:23-25; Mt 28:19-20; Rom 6; Rom 12:1).

I would like to say my life has been a Spiritual Wonder since that prayer. On the contrary, I have failed in many ways, and had much testing in my life with the cares of this world. I have fallen into sin in weakness, but I will say that I never rejected God, or willfully decided to live in sin against.

So, through all my trials after that prayer, I never digressed into the hopelessness I had when I first received an answer to that prayer for help because I now knew what Life was. What came after that prayer was now my growing into that commitment.

I am sorry I grieved God for so long, but I learned from this that God is patient and His Love and Mercy are forever.

I would like to say to you that, your words are powerful, and they can kill you or give you power and strength. Sometimes we are our own worst enemy, pronouncing condemnation on ourselves - what you confess for yourself comes true. Therefore, when you keep repeating words of hopelessness and death onto yourself, you are making that your reality. I understand why you are doing it, but now I ask you to read the NT with new eyes - and personally say out loud those verses that speak life to your soul. Apply God's Word to your life.

God is Life is Love is Light is Holy

Build YOUR HOME for LIFE
Love and Blessings to you.
setst

Margaret, are you seeing a doctor? It sounds like you have depression. I don't mean the blues but clinical depression. My mother had it for the last 20 years of her life. It's a condition caused by more than one thing, but it can be caused by an imbalance of chemicals in the brain and requires medication. This is what my mother had. It's not something that reading, therapy or being strong can fix, it's as real a disorder as Diabetes but it comes on slowly. Would you please go see a doctor?

I don't know if anyone else here has said this as I didn't read many posts, but could you do this for me, go see a doctor? If you have this condition you won't be able to see it yourself.

Margaret1022 said:

I know that God created me because He loves me. However, I can't help but grief about my own existence - I always wish I never existed, or that I died at a very young age, so that I never have to go through the sad things I've encountered in this life.

I see no hope in the world nor my future. I even think it is better to die young than live longer because look at the world today - the economy is bad, the political environment feels like WW3 is coming, the environment is getting worse, virus is spreading...My home country is getting increasingly hostile to Christianity and I'm seriously afraid. I really think it's better to die young so that I don't have to face the horrible future (I'm 22). My mom who introduced me to God and Jesus decided to believe in another god and started to give me crystals that "changes luck and brings fortune". My dad was a Christian when he was younger but in recent years he have became extremely hostile to Christians and after he learnt that I was baptized he always asks and talk about difficult Christian topics to challenge my faith and try to make me stop going to Church (he have read a lot of Christian books and philosophies so it was really difficult to convince him otherwise because he knows the Bible more than I do). It feels like it is impossible for my parents to return to God and it makes me guilty to want to give up.

I also struggles to be moved by sermons. Due to past and ongoing family issues, I learnt to mute my emotions so that I wouldn't be heartbroken. As a result I lost most of my ability to feel emotions. Most of the time I don't have any emotions at all. I analyze different situations and pretend that I'm happy/sad/empathetic because I know it is the appropriate emotion at that time, when I honestly feel nothing. This makes me question the point of going to Church and listening to sermon sometimes because they are like lectures to me and I just can't "connect" or feel repentance or faith like others do. Sometimes I doubt if I really do have faith because honestly all I feel in my heart are emptiness and void and I feel nothing when I repent.(I do sincerely acknowledge I have sinned but again I feel nothing when praying for forgiveness). This makes me worried that I'm just a pretend believer, that I'm not truely repenting, and therefore not forgiven. I have to admit a large part why I believe in God is because I don't want to go to hell, but I don't know how to change this mindset.

Surely God would have known all these pain I have to endure and surely He would know I wish I never existed - Why did He still create me? I may have already killed myself or decided not to care for my health anymore (so that I could die soon) years ago if I didn't believe that I would be sent straight to hell if I suicide. This also makes me feel sad and sometimes angry - Life is like a gift that I didn't want, yet I can't throw it away because it would be ungrateful and I would face horrible consequences. I know I can't do anything about it because I was already born, but I just can't stop being sad about the fact that I had to be born.

I don't know what to do - I strayed away from God early last year after some family crisis which broke me apart (This happened a year after I became a believer and started to grow spiritually). I became angry to God, went back to sinning and eventually went to the point where I was seriously considering suicide. Deep down I know I SHOULD go back to God but mentally I'm so exhausted and tired and is not at all motivated to even pray. What can I do? I did try to return to God several times (by praying or reading the Bible) but again the SEVERE feeling of exhaustion from within prevents me from getting close to God again. The thought of praying instantly makes me mentally exhausted. Aside from that I guess my anger towards God is also one of the factors pushing me away.

Any advice or insight is appreciated. I just can't see a way out myself. Not sure if this topic is too sensitive if so someone please guide me to the right forum to post? Or delete this post. Thank you!

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Hello Margaret, I know the feeling. I've cursed the day that I was born. There is a kind of "no man's land" Christian experience that many of us go through. When I was first born again, I was on "cloud nine" for months. Then the reality of life started to seep back in. Nobody told me the Bible fine print - 'Through tribulation we enter the kingdom of God'. I thought I'd never have a problem again. Wrong.

God's intention is not to destroy us, but to bring us to a place of complete dependence on Him. The way we respond to trials shows us where we are in our Christian walk. We can't shorten these trials but we can draw them out. The wise person learns from their mistakes. The really smart people learn from others mistakes. I hope you can learn from mine.

First up, don't get mad at God. Alright, it's a bit late for you. Don't stay mad at God. It's like one of those deep sea divers with an airline. Being mad at God is like standing on the airline. First, you need to realise that God does not send trials. We have two sources of trials. The first is our own ignorance and self-will. We do and say things that create issues for ourselves. Second, Satan is real and he hates Christians. If we do not know how to stay protected, he will hammer us mercilessly.

To be restored, you need to tell God that you are wrong. You need to plead the blood of Christ as the only way that you can be clean from sin. It is our sin that keeps us out of fellowship with God.

What we need most is truth. We need to know that God loves us. When that sinks in, we approach problems in a different light. And make every situation a problem, not a catastrophe. Problems have solutions. God has the answer for your every question. Sometimes it is as easy (and difficult) as "Trust Me". The truth will set you free.

I'm in Australia also. We have a Christian counselling ministry and a short Bible School program. We would be more than happy to help in any way we can. If you want to find out more,

Christian Life Frankston | Daily Bread (Fresh Weekly)

Margaret1022 said:

I know that God created me because He loves me.

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The bible tells us to encourage one another with our blessed hope, the return of our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ. His coming is soon and all will be well. Our hope is not in this world or in anyone or anything in this world. Our hope is in our Lord who is coming soon. God Bless You