A little lengthy, but I am in need of prayer/advice

MzSmith · Jan 26, 2020

A short while after we were married, my husband decided we needed to spice up our sex life. His suggestion was to try the swinger's lifestyle and other acts (have others watch us, be watched, etc.). I was strictly against this and the heavy arguments began. I eventually gave in (much to my dismay and in an attempt to stop the arguing), and regretted every minute of it. I expressed this to my husband and he agreed we would stop. Eventually, these acts did end, and I asked God to forgive me over and over again. I can't believe I allowed myself to sink so low and into sin I was fully aware of. Well, now my husband wants to drag me in this again, knowing full well how I feel. I have no desire to go back down that road where I felt so ashamed of my wrongdoing. Now, because I am being firmer in saying no, my husband has asked me to leave the house! I am doing well financially and have a nice career, but not prepared to go anywhere with a 10 and 12 year old. He says it is his house (though we both pay the 2,000 dollars a month mortgage) and he isn't going anywhere. Against me agreeing, he invited a couple over to our new house, under the pretense that we would just be 'having dinner', then when it was discovered that the couple is into that lifestyle, my husband became upset when I would not touch the man. This morning, he refused to go to church with me (yes, I did say church, not a typo), and told me to take my time coming home! I was afraid to come home, so spent the afternoon eating lunch and watching a move alone. He let me have it when I came home, accusing me being with another man and told me I should have just stayed gone. His last words before I went upstairs were..."If you can't do what I want, you need to find yourself an apartment!" This is not my first marriage and he is not open to counseling about this. A family member has advised me to leave. She does not know about the swinging part, just that he has been very verbally abusive as well (name calling and put downs). I'm too embarrassed to talk to anyone about this other than in this forum, but I'm not sure how this marriage (if it is one) is going to continue like this. His mother is going through chemo right now and I'm helping her as much as I can. I know her condition bothers him, but sometimes it seems as if his line of thinking is...'since I'm going through this with her illness, you should do whatever it takes to make me happy.' At the expense of me feeling guilty, ashamed, and doing acts that I know displease God? To further complicate matters, it is very hard to pray about this except to ask God to let his will be done. So as I type, I'm stuck in the bedroom and he is downstairs because we don't see eye to eye on this matter. A part of me just wants to leave this man. Do I even have grounds for leaving him?

snoochface · Jan 26, 2020

MzSmith said:
Do I even have grounds for leaving him?

Yup.

Sabertooth · Jan 26, 2020

MzSmith said:
Do I even have grounds for leaving him?

If it comes to that, you DO have grounds.
Do you go to a church that has a deliverance ministry? (That kind of prayer is best in person.) If yes, bring this to their attention. If no, visit such a church just for this issue.

Lady Donna Marie · Jan 26, 2020

Dear,

I am so sorry for the things you are going through. God created marriage to be a blessed event that honors God and you are so right feeling that what your husband is asking of you is not honoring especially to you. It's unfortunate that he is not honoring you and is betraying the vows of holy marriage. My heart grieves for you and pray you follow your heart and do the will of God that is to seek that which is pure.

A positive thing is that you do have enough money to take care of you and your child which some do not.

I see someone asked you if you go to a church. Not knowing that you do I would suggest a priest I know to be very clear on what the church says about things you are going through. He is a very kindhearted man of God. Fr. Evan Armatas's email address is orthodoxylive@ancientfaith.com. His parish is http://www.saintspyridon.church/contact.php

Right now he is doing a live show that ends 9pm EST.

May the Holy Spirit guide you to a place that respects your desire to honor God and may you be filled with a peace knowing that you are doing the right thing to honor God which in the end is better than not.

You are on my prayer list. God be with you.

SkyWriting · Jan 26, 2020

MzSmith said:
A short while after we were married, my husband decided we needed to spice up our sex life. His suggestion was to try the swinger's lifestyle and other acts (have others watch us, be watched, etc.). I was strictly against this and the heavy arguments began. I eventually gave in (much to my dismay and in an attempt to stop the arguing), and regretted every minute of it. I expressed this to my husband and he agreed we would stop. Eventually, these acts did end, and I asked God to forgive me over and over again. I can't believe I allowed myself to sink so low and into sin I was fully aware of. Well, now my husband wants to drag me in this again, knowing full well how I feel. I have no desire to go back down that road where I felt so ashamed of my wrongdoing. Now, because I am being firmer in saying no, my husband has asked me to leave the house! I am doing well financially and have a nice career, but not prepared to go anywhere with a 10 and 12 year old. He says it is his house (though we both pay the 2,000 dollars a month mortgage) and he isn't going anywhere. Against me agreeing, he invited a couple over to our new house, under the pretense that we would just be 'having dinner', then when it was discovered that the couple is into that lifestyle, my husband became upset when I would not touch the man. This morning, he refused to go to church with me (yes, I did say church, not a typo), and told me to take my time coming home! I was afraid to come home, so spent the afternoon eating lunch and watching a move alone. He let me have it when I came home, accusing me being with another man and told me I should have just stayed gone. His last words before I went upstairs were..."If you can't do what I want, you need to find yourself an apartment!" This is not my first marriage and he is not open to counseling about this. A family member has advised me to leave. She does not know about the swinging part, just that he has been very verbally abusive as well (name calling and put downs). I'm too embarrassed to talk to anyone about this other than in this forum, but I'm not sure how this marriage (if it is one) is going to continue like this. His mother is going through chemo right now and I'm helping her as much as I can. I know her condition bothers him, but sometimes it seems as if his line of thinking is...'since I'm going through this with her illness, you should do whatever it takes to make me happy.' At the expense of me feeling guilty, ashamed, and doing acts that I know displease God? To further complicate matters, it is very hard to pray about this except to ask God to let his will be done. So as I type, I'm stuck in the bedroom and he is downstairs because we don't see eye to eye on this matter. A part of me just wants to leave this man. Do I even have grounds for leaving him?

How could you change so that he would want you as you are?

mkgal1 · Jan 26, 2020

SkyWriting said:
How could you change so that he would want you as you are?

He wants threesomes. She can't become a separate additional person. She also shouldn't cater to his unfaithfulness (or beat herself up - wondering where SHE went wrong).

Lady Donna Marie · Jan 26, 2020

Dear, I hope you don't listen to advise that is blaming you. Your husband is the one according to you what you've said that crossed the line and is not respecting you. Seek that which is pure.

Feel free to ignore all you don't agree with.

Ricky M · Jan 26, 2020

SkyWriting said:
How could you change so that he would want you as you are?

She can't

Ricky M · Jan 26, 2020

Go to a lawyer. He'll make your husband rent an apartment. Which is where he should be if he wants to pursue this. No judge will deny you and the kids the house. And hubby will foot the bill.

MzSmith · Jan 26, 2020

For those who asked how to change me...I've done everything he has asked me to...wear lingerie and heels around the house, toys, extra assertive, etc. Just as someone posted--it is not enough because it is ultimately not what he wants.

A_Thinker · Jan 27, 2020

MzSmith said:
A short while after we were married, my husband decided we needed to spice up our sex life. His suggestion was to try the swinger's lifestyle and other acts (have others watch us, be watched, etc.). I was strictly against this and the heavy arguments began. I eventually gave in (much to my dismay and in an attempt to stop the arguing), and regretted every minute of it. I expressed this to my husband and he agreed we would stop. Eventually, these acts did end, and I asked God to forgive me over and over again. I can't believe I allowed myself to sink so low and into sin I was fully aware of. Well, now my husband wants to drag me in this again, knowing full well how I feel. I have no desire to go back down that road where I felt so ashamed of my wrongdoing. Now, because I am being firmer in saying no, my husband has asked me to leave the house! I am doing well financially and have a nice career, but not prepared to go anywhere with a 10 and 12 year old. He says it is his house (though we both pay the 2,000 dollars a month mortgage) and he isn't going anywhere. Against me agreeing, he invited a couple over to our new house, under the pretense that we would just be 'having dinner', then when it was discovered that the couple is into that lifestyle, my husband became upset when I would not touch the man. This morning, he refused to go to church with me (yes, I did say church, not a typo), and told me to take my time coming home! I was afraid to come home, so spent the afternoon eating lunch and watching a move alone. He let me have it when I came home, accusing me being with another man and told me I should have just stayed gone. His last words before I went upstairs were..."If you can't do what I want, you need to find yourself an apartment!" This is not my first marriage and he is not open to counseling about this. A family member has advised me to leave. She does not know about the swinging part, just that he has been very verbally abusive as well (name calling and put downs). I'm too embarrassed to talk to anyone about this other than in this forum, but I'm not sure how this marriage (if it is one) is going to continue like this. His mother is going through chemo right now and I'm helping her as much as I can. I know her condition bothers him, but sometimes it seems as if his line of thinking is...'since I'm going through this with her illness, you should do whatever it takes to make me happy.' At the expense of me feeling guilty, ashamed, and doing acts that I know displease God? To further complicate matters, it is very hard to pray about this except to ask God to let his will be done. So as I type, I'm stuck in the bedroom and he is downstairs because we don't see eye to eye on this matter. A part of me just wants to leave this man. Do I even have grounds for leaving him?

Contact a lawyer to protect your interests.

HannahT · Jan 28, 2020

MzSmith said:
I am doing well financially and have a nice career, but not prepared to go anywhere with a 10 and 12 year old. He says it is his house (though we both pay the 2,000 dollars a month mortgage) and he isn't going anywhere.

First off he thinks he can get away with saying what he did, and maybe even get you out if he pushes hard enough.

You said mortgage so I assume you own a home. First thing you need to do is get a free consult with an lawyer so someone can laid it on the line what your rights are so you can feel empowered instead of deflated when he claims such nonsense. Even if you have a hint of your rights? Empower yourself with legal advice - it will help.

He doesn't need to know this. No one does. Honestly? I wouldn't tell anyone right now just do it. You need to know this for you, and for you alone. I wouldn't recommend sharing with him, because he will find something else to rub your nose in...and then use it against you. This is an empowerment tool for YOU right now. You need to know where you stand legally so he can't use this against you in the future. He can say what he wants, but inside you will know the truth. That will help you right there. Empty threats don't burn as deep when you are informed and validated.

This goes without saying - no true human (husband or wife) would demand what he claims he is entitled too. Yet, you seem broken enough right now not to truly own that. If it is his house - and his mortgage? Stop paying for right now to get your down payment on someplace else. He can't throw you out legally. You may not be strong enough right now to take that stand, but I'm putting it out there. If you are? That's the price he pays for being a poophead, and moving doesn't come cheap for him to force the subject. It might be beneficial, because of the signals your children are receiving. Just food for thought.

You are in need of some serious support in a professional capacity. I'm not talking your preacher, or best friend. I'm speaking professional here. If you find the professional help is making to many excuses for his behavior? Move on to someone else. Even professionals at times aren't qualified for every circumstance. That's not being ugly, we all have our limitations. We don't always see it even in that profession.

YOu need someone that deals with manipulation and control. That's is what you are dealing with - besides his other characteristics. Those are his to deal with right now - you need to get your own stuff straight right now. It puts you in a better position to know how to move forward. Since we don't know where it will lead? YOU need firm footing.

Preacher's and Best Friend's support are needed in a different capacity - so I'm no throwing them out with the bathwater here. Most people are ill prepared to deal with what you are talking about. It's not a slam, or a cut down. No one can be everything to everyone under every circumstance. Nor should they be obligated to feel that way - we are human after all. I find that preachers and best friends (not all, but many) feel they need to be due to their position. That is outside cultural pressure talking, and society can blame themselves for that. Their place in the chain of support comes later - you have children to think about now. You need to gain the knowledge and peace to know HOW to move forward. Find ways of empowering that journey, and be careful with whom you share that with.

Gregorikos · Jan 28, 2020

MzSmith said:
A family member has advised me to leave. She does not know about the swinging part, just that he has been very verbally abusive as well (name calling and put downs). I'm too embarrassed to talk to anyone about this other than in this forum, but I'm not sure how this marriage (if it is one) is going to continue like this.

Dear sister, shame is your #1 enemy right now. Shame will try to keep this all a secret and in the darkness. That's the last thing you need.
You so desperately need to talk to someone in person that can hear your story with empathy. If it can't be that family member, make it a paid counselor. Don't try to do this by yourself.

You're better than this. You NEVER wanted any of this. And you can find the strength to get out of it. Maybe he will change, or maybe he won't. But you can change it. I pray that you do.

Gregorikos · Jan 28, 2020

MzSmith said:
For those who asked how to change me...I've done everything he has asked me to...wear lingerie and heels around the house, toys, extra assertive, etc. Just as someone posted--it is not enough because it is ultimately not what he wants.

It will never be enough because he will keep getting worse. He's obsessed. I'm sure he watches a lot of inappropriate content and wants you to act it out. He has violated his oaths to you and your marriage. Please stop.

Dan61861 · Jan 30, 2020

The last dalliance, did you participate while refusing to touch the other guy?

In Christ
Daniel

Joe W · Apr 30, 2020

dan, can you email me asap at joewehrwein@gmail.com

I am having a hard time with sin and loss of salvation. I read you too struggled with simliar sins as mine. I joined to talk with you.

Joe W · Apr 30, 2020

Dan61861 said:
The last dalliance, did you participate while refusing to touch the other guy?

In Christ
Daniel

dan, can you email me asap at joewehrwein@gmail.com

I am having a hard time with sin and loss of salvation. I read you too struggled with simliar sins as mine. I joined to talk with you

A little lengthy, but I am in need of prayer/advice

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