Complicated relationship advice

maintenance man · Jan 29, 2020

Just for some perspective, I'm a father of two daughters around your age.

I have great respect for the farrier trade and there's no question there will always be a demand.

The question I would have is how do you intend to scale your farrier business beyond a limited one man operation?

Obviously, as one man you are limited in how much you can potentially earn. In addition, if you get sick or injured (a real possibility) your income stops.

I would be impressed if you were also taking some business courses online and planning in detail how to grow your business well beyond a one man operation.

ColoRaydo · Jan 29, 2020

If she’s 18 and living at home and her father is supporting her, she’s going to have to abide by his rules.

On the other hand, she’s technically an adult and can do what she wants, just not under her father’s roof.

It sounds like a battle between you and her father and she is the prize.

Shouldn’t she be making the decision what she wants to do?

anna ~ grace · Jan 29, 2020

Alexsalimander said:
I know it's a battleground, thats a good part of what attracts me to her: she's such a good Christian Girl. Would I love her through all of that, and worse? I'm obviously not a prophet, but with God's help, yes.

Ok, my friend. Be aware, people can surprise us. They can have a spiritual and / or emotional crisis. They can become depressed, doubt, question, lash out, withdraw, stop coming to church, and seem to be anything but a Christian. Can we love them and stay married to them anyway?

Just throwing that out there.

Now, granted, she might remain an awesome, strong Christian throughout your marriage. If so, great! But many folks have posted on here of strong Christian spouses growing cold spiritually, suddenly wanting to join the Old Order Amish, getting depressed and not wanting to go to church, questioning the existence of God, etc. Just going through some immense and difficult spiritual seasons. Or, their personalities do a 180.

Just letting you know. Been married for over a decade. Some days, it's fun. Other days, it's tough for both of us. I don't think I'm super easy to live with, either. I can get moody, depressed, restless, unhappy, and cranky. It's definitely a spiritual battle.

miggles · Jan 29, 2020

you sound like a very enterprising young man. and respectful. i don't know why the dad wouldn't want you for a son in law. why don't you write a letter to her dad so he will know you want his approval? it might impress him.

thecolorsblend · Jan 29, 2020

Alexsalimander said:
So here's the scoop. I've known this girl for several years now, we've worked together, played together, really hit it off. This last summer we worked at a bible camp together, and the last day of working together I asked her if she wanted to maintain the charade (we hadn't spoken to each other about liking each other or anything, and were kinda pretending we didn't have any feelings for each other) she said no, I said I liked her a whole lot, she said she liked me, we changed the subject, end of story. However, when her dad found out, he got super mad, and nearly cut me out of their families life. Anyway, there was some reconciliation, but I still haven't talked with her or seen her except once for 5 months. But I really do love her, and I want the best for her, and I don't want to lose her to someone else. Now, the problem is, I'm building my business right now, so far I'm only at about the $12,000 a year mark, so not enough to support a wife, and so I really have zero chips to come to the table with. We've talked a lot and I really want to make something of this, but don't know what to do next. I've considered some options, like maybe secretly courting if her Dad still won't let me see her after I've got my business up and running, possibly eloping or getting secretly married some time in the future, etc. But she's the most amazing woman I've ever met, and I don't want to have all this come apart at the seams just because I told her I liked her. So any and all advice would be appreciated. She's 18 and I'm 22, if that helps at all.

I say build your company up. The good thing about being a guy is that time is somewhat on your side. You can find and marry a younger girl after you've done more to establish your business. $12,000 a year may not seem like much but you're actually doing really well. What's cool about small businesses is that they don't have to generate billions of dollars per year. All you really need is enough to support yourself. You've got a ways to go but you're on the right track.

For right now, I think it's better that you develop your company.

Having said all that, I'm not sure if this girl is really the best choice for you anyway. At least, not right now. I am bringing my own biases to this, I admit. But I, for one, would have concerns about dating a girl of her age who is so controlled by her father that you fear him cutting you off. I guess a century ago, that sort of thing probably made sense. But it's not a century ago. It's now. And now, for better or for worse, people make their own choices.

But some fathers seem to think they've got license and registration over their daughters from birth until the age of about 50 or so. I dated a girl who had a dad like that a million years ago. And it was a nightmare. You just wouldn't believe some of the stunts that guy pulled. How his daughter could respect him is beyond me.

But I couldn't respect her for not standing up to him so I cut her loose. It worked for me... which doesn't necessarily mean that cutting your girl loose will work for you. But at least there's one successful model out there of a guy turning his back on a girl with an insecure, overbearing father.

Remember bro, stay away from those Daddy's Little Princess types. They're more trouble than they're worth.

Bible Highlighter · Jan 29, 2020

Alexsalimander said:
So here's the scoop. I've known this girl for several years now, we've worked together, played together, really hit it off. This last summer we worked at a bible camp together, and the last day of working together I asked her if she wanted to maintain the charade (we hadn't spoken to each other about liking each other or anything, and were kinda pretending we didn't have any feelings for each other) she said no, I said I liked her a whole lot, she said she liked me, we changed the subject, end of story. However, when her dad found out, he got super mad, and nearly cut me out of their families life. Anyway, there was some reconciliation, but I still haven't talked with her or seen her except once for 5 months. But I really do love her, and I want the best for her, and I don't want to lose her to someone else. Now, the problem is, I'm building my business right now, so far I'm only at about the $12,000 a year mark, so not enough to support a wife, and so I really have zero chips to come to the table with. We've talked a lot and I really want to make something of this, but don't know what to do next. I've considered some options, like maybe secretly courting if her Dad still won't let me see her after I've got my business up and running, possibly eloping or getting secretly married some time in the future, etc. But she's the most amazing woman I've ever met, and I don't want to have all this come apart at the seams just because I told her I liked her. So any and all advice would be appreciated. She's 18 and I'm 22, if that helps at all.

My advice:

"But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you." (Matthew 6:33).

If you seek to dedicate your life to Jesus more, the Lord will in time meet your needs in everything. I prayed for about two decades for my soul mate to come into my life. The Lord answered my prayer when I re-dedicated my life to Christ in seeking to follow Him as my ultimate goal in life (i.e. to be a voice for Him). God brought somebody halfway around the world into my life (Who is an amazing Christian and loving Christian woman). But it did not happen until I had sought after the Kingdom of God first in my life.

Speeding_Bullet_2020 · Jan 29, 2020

Alexsalimander said:
However, when her dad found out, he got super mad, and nearly cut me out of their families life. Anyway, there was some reconciliation, but I still haven't talked with her or seen her except once for 5 months.

You probably don't want to hear my advice; however, think of the big picture: if you and your lover do end up getting married, then this action can have consequences 10 years down the road. In this manner, you and your to-be father-in-law are going to have A LOT of communication problems, which can directly affect your marriage with your current lover (if you end up marrying her).

I'm just being real. I also want to give you a big wake-up call.

You should call Dr. Laura Schlessinger on her live radio show to tell you advice on your situation.

PaulCyp1 · Jan 29, 2020

Alexsalimander said:
So here's the scoop. I've known this girl for several years now, we've worked together, played together, really hit it off. This last summer we worked at a bible camp together, and the last day of working together I asked her if she wanted to maintain the charade (we hadn't spoken to each other about liking each other or anything, and were kinda pretending we didn't have any feelings for each other) she said no, I said I liked her a whole lot, she said she liked me, we changed the subject, end of story. However, when her dad found out, he got super mad, and nearly cut me out of their families life. Anyway, there was some reconciliation, but I still haven't talked with her or seen her except once for 5 months. But I really do love her, and I want the best for her, and I don't want to lose her to someone else. Now, the problem is, I'm building my business right now, so far I'm only at about the $12,000 a year mark, so not enough to support a wife, and so I really have zero chips to come to the table with. We've talked a lot and I really want to make something of this, but don't know what to do next. I've considered some options, like maybe secretly courting if her Dad still won't let me see her after I've got my business up and running, possibly eloping or getting secretly married some time in the future, etc. But she's the most amazing woman I've ever met, and I don't want to have all this come apart at the seams just because I told her I liked her. So any and all advice would be appreciated. She's 18 and I'm 22, if that helps at all.

PaulCyp1 · Jan 29, 2020

You are already of legal age, so her father would have no say if she decides to marry you. However, he may be so hateful as to reject her from his family. If it comes to that, the two of you will have to decide if she is willing to accept that in order to have a lifetime of happiness with you.

Mark Quayle · Jan 29, 2020

Alexsalimander said:
So here's the scoop. I've known this girl for several years now, we've worked together, played together, really hit it off. This last summer we worked at a bible camp together, and the last day of working together I asked her if she wanted to maintain the charade (we hadn't spoken to each other about liking each other or anything, and were kinda pretending we didn't have any feelings for each other) she said no, I said I liked her a whole lot, she said she liked me, we changed the subject, end of story. However, when her dad found out, he got super mad, and nearly cut me out of their families life. Anyway, there was some reconciliation, but I still haven't talked with her or seen her except once for 5 months. But I really do love her, and I want the best for her, and I don't want to lose her to someone else. Now, the problem is, I'm building my business right now, so far I'm only at about the $12,000 a year mark, so not enough to support a wife, and so I really have zero chips to come to the table with. We've talked a lot and I really want to make something of this, but don't know what to do next. I've considered some options, like maybe secretly courting if her Dad still won't let me see her after I've got my business up and running, possibly eloping or getting secretly married some time in the future, etc. But she's the most amazing woman I've ever met, and I don't want to have all this come apart at the seams just because I told her I liked her. So any and all advice would be appreciated. She's 18 and I'm 22, if that helps at all.

This may not sound like it is relevant to your request for advice, but later it will:

With marriage, everything changes. Everybody assumes something about the relationship --the man and wife most of all.

GaveMeJoy · Jan 30, 2020

Alexsalimander said:
So here's the scoop. I've known this girl for several years now, we've worked together, played together, really hit it off. This last summer we worked at a bible camp together, and the last day of working together I asked her if she wanted to maintain the charade (we hadn't spoken to each other about liking each other or anything, and were kinda pretending we didn't have any feelings for each other) she said no, I said I liked her a whole lot, she said she liked me, we changed the subject, end of story. However, when her dad found out, he got super mad, and nearly cut me out of their families life. Anyway, there was some reconciliation, but I still haven't talked with her or seen her except once for 5 months. But I really do love her, and I want the best for her, and I don't want to lose her to someone else. Now, the problem is, I'm building my business right now, so far I'm only at about the $12,000 a year mark, so not enough to support a wife, and so I really have zero chips to come to the table with. We've talked a lot and I really want to make something of this, but don't know what to do next. I've considered some options, like maybe secretly courting if her Dad still won't let me see her after I've got my business up and running, possibly eloping or getting secretly married some time in the future, etc. But she's the most amazing woman I've ever met, and I don't want to have all this come apart at the seams just because I told her I liked her. So any and all advice would be appreciated. She's 18 and I'm 22, if that helps at all.

hey! If you love her you will wait until you can completely support her financially and spiritually before you get in a serious relationship. That’s unlikely at your age, but asking God for that type of stability would be a great place to start.

You can’t possibly imagine how hard marriage is man, it’s savagely difficult even if you follow all the right rules and steps and wait for parent approval and save it for marriage and all the good stuff, it’s still a constant battle to be a spiritual leader and sacrifice. It requires an impossible amount of patience and maturity.

never elope, God doesn’t respect things done in secret and will not bless your relationship or marriage. Do everything honestly, openly, by working hard and proving yourself worthy. And pray every night for this person and wisdom, this is the most important decision in your life, who you marry, and making it at 22 or 23 years old is a catastrophe for so many Christian men; myself included.

marineimaging · Jan 30, 2020

I am going to say this from 64 years experience and then leave it alone. You NEVER just marry your spouse. You always marry the family one way or another and to elope is a slap in the face to a father. He didn't raise his girl for you to run off with. My dad eloped with my mother and my grandfather never let him forget it. They got along for our sake, but as I got older I could see the anger still burning beneath the facade. Even today, both are deceased and long buried yet I sadly regret what could have been had dad asked my grandfather for her hand. So ask her dad, respect the family unit you are going to possibly be a part of, and date for a while and get to really know each other better, and see where that goes. You haven't mentioned love that I see. And even if you know you love her, you haven't spent enough time together to know if she loves you in a way that will last you both for the next 60 or so years.

pdudgeon · Jan 30, 2020

Alexsalimander said:
No, nothing that extreme. FIB, kinda middle spectrum conservative for FIBs.

I know it's a battleground, thats a good part of what attracts me to her: she's such a good Christian Girl. Would I love her through all of that, and worse? I'm obviously not a prophet, but with God's help, yes.

Hmmm, you've lost me on the FIB designation. I'm not familiar with the full name of the group. so I'll bow out of the conversation. Best wishes to you both.

lsume · Jan 30, 2020

Alexsalimander said:
So here's the scoop. I've known this girl for several years now, we've worked together, played together, really hit it off. This last summer we worked at a bible camp together, and the last day of working together I asked her if she wanted to maintain the charade (we hadn't spoken to each other about liking each other or anything, and were kinda pretending we didn't have any feelings for each other) she said no, I said I liked her a whole lot, she said she liked me, we changed the subject, end of story. However, when her dad found out, he got super mad, and nearly cut me out of their families life. Anyway, there was some reconciliation, but I still haven't talked with her or seen her except once for 5 months. But I really do love her, and I want the best for her, and I don't want to lose her to someone else. Now, the problem is, I'm building my business right now, so far I'm only at about the $12,000 a year mark, so not enough to support a wife, and so I really have zero chips to come to the table with. We've talked a lot and I really want to make something of this, but don't know what to do next. I've considered some options, like maybe secretly courting if her Dad still won't let me see her after I've got my business up and running, possibly eloping or getting secretly married some time in the future, etc. But she's the most amazing woman I've ever met, and I don't want to have all this come apart at the seams just because I told her I liked her. So any and all advice would be appreciated. She's 18 and I'm 22, if that helps at all.

As the dad of 3 now adult girls and 1 boy, I would have been upset with you had you been talking to my 16 or 17 year old daughter. Based on the information you provided, that might be why the dad got upset. If he knew that your intentions were pure, perhaps he might change his mind now that his daughter has turned 18. Ultimately your going to have to talk to the dad. The girl you hope to marry will want her family ties as well even though you would be the husband. Have you considered more school as a means towards your goals?

Paidiske · Jan 30, 2020

pdudgeon said:
Hmmm, you've lost me on the FIB designation.

I believe that's Fundamental Independent Baptist.

Alexsalimander · Jan 30, 2020

To everyone that posted, thank you. I guess I needed to hear what you had to say. I'm going to wait, do it properly. I appreciate all the advice, especially the advice that's harder to swallow! For everyone who gave me tips about what to do Now, thanks, fresh Ideas are always good. I'm going to work on my business more, get a little more education, and then go talk to him. (The wait in between is going to be killer hard, though) Thanks again!

Bible Highlighter · Jan 30, 2020

Paidiske said:
I believe that's Fundamental Independent Baptist.

Learned something new today.

Who are the Independent Baptists, and what do they believe? | GotQuestions.org

Thank you.

They seem kind of similar to church of Christ, but some (not all) church of Christ's appear to ignore the Sinner's Prayer or seeking forgiveness of one's sins with Jesus by way of prayer. We need God's grace, and Sanctification. This church appears to be for holiness big time. As for their exact view of "sin and salvation" I cannot say. Do they believe they can abide for a time in unconfessed sin of adultery, and or hate and still be saved while doing so? They believe in Eternal Security. For me: If they say the can abide in grave sin and still be saved on some level, they fail one of the acid tests; That and if they truly love. Meaning: Do they love ALL people (including their enemies)? This of course may vary between them. I am not sure.

Joined2krist · Jan 30, 2020

Like most posters, I also think you should wait longer, just be friends for now, win her Father's trust and you can court his daughter.

Alexsalimander · Jan 30, 2020

Bible Highlighter said:
They seem kind of similar to church of Christ, but some (not all) church of Christ's appear to ignore the Sinner's Prayer or seeking forgiveness of one's sins with Jesus by way of prayer. We need God's grace, and Sanctification. This church appears to be for holiness big time. As for their exact view of "sin and salvation" I cannot say. Do they believe they can abide for a time in unconfessed sin of adultery, and or hate and still be saved while doing so? They believe in Eternal Security. For me: If they say the can abide in grave sin and still be saved on some level, they fail one of the acid tests; That and if they truly love. Meaning: Do they love ALL people (including their enemies)? This of course may vary between them. I am not sure.

There is a lot of variance in the FIB church, and they are rather moderate. They aren't super exlusive, and yes, they love all, including enemies, they believe in salvation through faith alone, but necessarily wrought through repentence and confession of sins. I absolutely beleive she's genuine article saved. I know that they beleive in eternal security, though I'm not sure what their view is if someone is continually sinning but call themselves a Christian... I don't doubt they would call into question the sincerity of the initial repentance before claiming they would have their salvation revoked.

Bible Highlighter · Jan 30, 2020

Alexsalimander said:
There is a lot of variance in the FIB church, and they are rather moderate. They aren't super exlusive, and yes, they love all, including enemies, they believe in salvation through faith alone, but necessarily wrought through repentence and confession of sins. I absolutely beleive she's genuine article saved. I know that they beleive in eternal security, though I'm not sure what their view is if someone is continually sinning but call themselves a Christian... I don't doubt they would call into question the sincerity of the initial repentance before claiming they would have their salvation revoked.

I believe if a Christian is not seeking to justify the thinking they can commit grievous sin (like lying, lusting, hating, etc.) it is possible they may be saved. But I believe they will discover in time that OSAS is false if they are a truth seeker (when studying God’s Word, the Bible) and they are pure of heart.

Anyways, first pray if she is for you. If God confirms she is for you, then pray to do the following: If God leads you to do so, I would send a letter (saying you will do what it takes to prove your worthiness as a man of God to her father and as one who will be able to support her daughter) and I would send (along with the letter) to her father the following DVD (after you watched it).

Note: If you see yourself more as the bad guy in this film, I would not push to be with her and I would work on being more of a man of God who follows Jesus. God will in time give you a soul mate (if you follow Him first).

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