At the age of ten I responded to an altar call. I had been a normal healthy kid before I did so, but everything was about to change. The first big difference I noticed was, I became aware of my faults/sins in a way I never had previously (yes, even at that age!) I was determined to follow Christ and live a pure and holy life, for that is how in my heart I wanted to live. But as I now had the law within me, I could not hide from that law. If I lived as I had previously lived, I would be going against it. At times I got angry, and knew this was wrong, it was going against God’s moral law(didn’t reason it that way that young) so I had to stop being angry. I had unkind thoughts about some others, that was wrong also. I didn’t love many others as I should, that was wrong too. And I had a conscience about not always acting as I should act. In fact, I was starting to become much less happy than I had been before I made a commitment to Christ, for now I was burdened by my imperfections as I had not previously been.
Then I reached puberty, and along came impure thoughts. I so much did not want them, I knew they were sin (it was breaking the moral law inside of me) but no matter how hard I tried to resist them, they would not stop. In truth, I feared them, they could send me to hell, for Christians must live a life of obeying God, you cannot expect to attain heaven if you live a life of sin. The more I feared those thoughts, the more I feared they could send me to hell, the worse they got. I was not a happy young man anymore. I was guilt ridden by my inability to obey God, and live a pure and holy life for him. I started to feel condemned, and all the time the sin got worse. On the outside, I could still appear to be living a very good and holy life, but the inside was completely different. I was despondant, and felt it was all hopeless, I would end up in hell because I could not live as others did I saw in church on Sundays. For I imagined they were afflicted with none of the faults I had, they constantly told me how I should live my life, and we must obey God/his laws. So surely they were obeying them whilst I on the inside was not.
In the end, I walked away from the church. I refused to be a hypocrite, I could not live as Christians should live. I certainly could not be righteous before God by obeying his good and holy laws. I was a condemned sinner who would be cast into hell.
Looking back at that time, how can I describe it? I had felt alive once before the law came to me as it did, for there was no condemnation then, but when it did come, sin(consciousness) sprang to life and I died/felt condemned. The commandment that I believed would give me life/enable me to be a Christian and attain to heaven(if I obeyed it), instead brought death (for I could not keep it). Through my knowledge of the commandments all manner of sin was aroused in me. For sin took occasion of the commandment to arouse all manner of concupiscence in me. Was the law death for me? No, the law itself is holy, just and good, but sin took occasion of what was holy, just and good to make me exccedingly sinfull, and through it condemn me. (Rom7:7-13)
Fortunately for me, a few years later someone gave me a book, and in it was a chapter on Paul’s message of grace. I was stunned by what I read. I could have no righteousnerss of obeying God’s laws. No one had ever told me that before in churches. Abut as it was plainly written I believed it. But what of the sin? I didn’t want it for I was born again. I had been a slave to breaking the commandment: Thou shalt not covet where masturbation was concerned for six years. It only got worse when I believed such sin could send me to hell. But now I gave it to God and trusted I was saved because Jesus was my righteousness before him, I had no other. For three days the masturbation continued, I was breaking God’s moral law, however, for the first time in my life I did not let myself believe it condemned me, I trusted I was righteous in Gods sight because Jesus died for me. Those three days were so hard, I had discard logic and just cling to faith in Christ. A voice relentlessly told me in my head, I was just faking christianity, I was a hypocrite, I could not be saved due to what I was doing. But I kept looking to Christ and trusting him. On the fourth day, this sin I had a slave to for six years stopped. While I lived under righteousness of observing the law it only got worse. Paul wrote:
For sin shall no longer be your master for you are not under law(of righteousness) but under grace(righteousness of faith in Christ) Rom 6:14 But few it seems dare to actually believe it. For as Jesus said:
Many after drinking the old wine don’t want the new, for they say ‘the old is better’ Luke5:39
