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I am unable to let this one thing go and it ruined me.

TeXMaT

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Six years ago God miraculously saved me. He had worked on me for years and His Spirit continually reigned me in. One night in the quietness of my own home, alone, the Spirit called me and I gave my life to Christ. I cannot explain how it is that He got me to that point. There was no severe (humbling) life circumstances or anything in particular that was crushing me when this happened. I was comfortable in my sin. That said, my life immediately changed after that night. I was freed from several addictions instantaneously and was on fire for God. I studied His word and He was always in my thoughts. I experienced the power of the Holy Spirit and know what it is like to have Him work through you and not have to employ will power. My life was at peace and I had so much Joy. I saw great spiritual growth over the course of about a year and a half.

One Sunday, my pastor approached me and asked if I would be willing to give a gospel presentation the following week before service. It was an honor to be asked but it hit one of my deepest fears. For me, to stand in front of people and speak is terrifying and distressing to an abnormal degree. I spent that following week writing, asking for wisdom, and praying for the strength to carry this out. However, days before that Sunday I called my Pastor and said I was unable to do as he asked. To say this crushed me is an understatement. My Lord Hung on a cross for me and I could not even stand in front of fellow believers and proclaim the same saving gospel that brought me salvation? This moment in time was a clear turning point in my life. Over the following months I spiraled into severe depression and began developing a binge eating disorder. I put on over 50 pounds over the year following this event which brought on significant shame and guilt on top of the depression I was in. Gluttony is just a sin you can't hide. Its on display for all to see.

Over the course of many years which lead up to this present day, I have continually regressed to a far worse state than when I was an unbeliever. I have fallen back into all my old pet sins but now in addition have a binge eating disorder, extreme depression, and insomnia. Even worse, I now have a wife and kids and the thought that my depression is/will affect them is unbearable. The idea that my poor example of the Christian walk could disgruntle them against God keeps me from sleeping. I have had periods of repentance over the years where I seem to be doing good again but in my heart I have held this back and I always end up sliding back. Each round of repentance last less time than the previous and at this point I am just spinning tires. In an effort to get the eating disorder under control I have looked at twelve step programs for Christians. As much as I want to get better, I know what this program requires of me...that I surrender and give complete control over to God. But I can't do it. Every time I ask God what I need to do to repent I hear something in my head say "go give the gospel" and am immediately defeated. This thing has become the cross I am unable to carry and I have hit such a low I am afraid this will kill me sometime in the near future. My life has become so unbearable and yet I cannot let this go. Even if I could, I no longer am qualified to carry out such a task. I have so much sin in my life and the idea of me speaking the gospel to other would be hypocrisy in its purest form. Please, if anyone has words that may help I am listening.
 

joymercy

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Having been at lows many a time, for me at least, one of the activities keeping me afloat, was going to daily mass. And keeping in near daily communication with my pastor or other staff through email, text, in-person meetings and/or phone conversations.
 
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joymercy

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Are there any number of days where you can squeeze in a service here and there to fill up your days or nights?
Prayer meetings, worship services and so on?

Just speaking for myself, there is nothing more healing than to be at a mass and to receive the Eucharist. Its pure heaven, especially by coming super early, and spending time alone in prayer and contemplation with your Lord and Savior.
 
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joymercy

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By far the most powerful too Jesus gave us is the Holy Spirit!
Pray constantly, spending quality time in prayer/contemplation, asking for the Holy spirit to guide you and direct you-the spirit of truth!

Through the power of the Holy spirit, things will indeed come to you eventually, my brother in Christ.
 
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TeXMaT

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Thank you for talking to me. For me, in person church events (or any social gathering) have the opposite effect. At our church we pray together and even praying out loud in front of others brings enormous distress. I brought this up to my pastor who was totally understanding it made it so that we did not go in a circle for pray but would just chose to pray out loud if we wanted to. This helped but I carry so much shame about my binge eating that I only find peace in isolation. It takes a lot of mental and emotional energy to be around other people. I do think the 12 step meetings can help me. I first tried overeaters anonymous but I was required to help others as part of the deal with going through the steps. The problem was I could not tell someone to go find some arbitrary "higher power" and thus was unable to do this. There is only one "higher power" which is God according to His word in the bible. My unwillingness to help others in this manner created a division between myself and my sponsor which ultimately caused me to quit the program. I have found another 12 step program specifically for Christians. Yet I am still dealing with this multiple year long issue that caused so much pain. I am afraid to start the program knowing I have this fear of giving God control. What if He asks me to do this one thing? If I fail the program then I am afraid I will have lost my chance to get better. It seems every time I fail something, my hope it will work the next time decreases.
 
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Tempura

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I am afraid of public speaking too, and it triggers my stutter full-on. I simply can't give a speech. But sharing the gospel is not a performance, it's not a speech. People usually think of it as a task where we try to convince someone else with words. I think of it in the terms of how I treat others. If people ask me where I get my hope, I will tell them. I can say I believe and I don't have to perform tricks. I can help if someone needs my help, and I can pray for them. There was a time when my faith was very young, and I came on these forums. What kept me here was not arguments, speeches, preaching or spectacle, but just simple love and kindness from a few people. I needed plenty of understanding and patient people around me, and I did meet some of them.

My performance, as a sinner, will always be worse than I'd like, often it's just horrible, but I am not looking at my performance, I need to keep my eyes fixed on the cross and the grace on display, and the righteousness of Christ on my behalf. In myself, I find less and less, but in Him, I find more and more. Regardless of my feelings. My emotions are always against me, depression and anxiety for years and years have made sure of that. But my feelings are not my God, He is. I take His promises by faith and conviction, not by how I feel or what I can or can't do. Many people are brought to depend on God through failure, and through disappointment in their own efforts. What may seem like a curse, might be actually blessing in a disguise.

Said a prayer for you friend.

About repentance, I quote this CH Spurgeon bit often:

“I hear another man cry, “Oh, sir my want of strength lies mainly in this, that I cannot repent sufficiently!” A curious idea men have of what repentance is! Many fancy that so many tears are to be shed, and so many groans are to be heaved, and so much despair is to be endured. Whence comes this unreasonable notion? Unbelief and despair are sins, and therefore I do not see how they can be constituent elements of acceptable repentance; yet there are many who regard them as necessary parts of true Christian experience. They are in great error. Still, I know what they mean, for in the days of my darkness I used to feel in the same way. I desired to repent, but I thought that I could not do it, and yet all the while I was repenting. Odd as it may sound, I felt that I could not feel. I used to get into a corner and weep, because I could not weep; and I fell into bitter sorrow because I could not sorrow for sin. What a jumble it all is when in our unbelieving state we begin to judge our own condition! It is like a blind man looking at his own eyes. My heart was melted within me for fear, because I thought that my heart was as hard as an adamant stone. My heart was broken to think that it would not break. Now I can see that I was exhibiting the very thing which I thought I did not possess; but then I knew not where I was. Remember that the man who truly repents is never satisfied with his own repentance. We can no more repent perfectly than we can live perfectly. However pure our tears, there will always be some dirt in them: there will be something to be repented of even in our best repentance. But listen! To repent is to change your mind about sin, and Christ, and all the great things of God. There is sorrow implied in this; but the main point is the turning of the heart from sin to Christ. If there be this turning, you have the essence of true repentance, even though no alarm and no despair should ever have cast their shadow upon your mind.”
 
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joymercy

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Thank you for talking to me. For me, in person church events (or any social gathering) have the opposite effect. At our church we pray together and even praying out loud in front of others brings enormous distress. I brought this up to my pastor who was totally understanding it made it so that we did not go in a circle for pray but would just chose to pray out loud if we wanted to. This helped but I carry so much shame about my binge eating that I only find peace in isolation. It takes a lot of mental and emotional energy to be around other people. I do think the 12 step meetings can help me. I first tried overeaters anonymous but I was required to help others as part of the deal with going through the steps. The problem was I could not tell someone to go find some arbitrary "higher power" and thus was unable to do this. There is only one "higher power" which is God according to His word in the bible. My unwillingness to help others in this manner created a division between myself and my sponsor which ultimately caused me to quit the program. I have found another 12 step program specifically for Christians. Yet I am still dealing with this multiple year long issue that caused so much pain. I am afraid to start the program knowing I have this fear of giving God control. What if He asks me to do this one thing? If I fail the program then I am afraid I will have lost my chance to get better. It seems every time I fail something, my hope it will work the next time decreases.

For the anxiety at services, Have you ever tried to come early and go up to the choir loft and have more privacy?

O how about the children's area off to the side?

Slowly, and in small steps, this can be over come, by the power of the Holy Spirit.

the power of the Holy spirit is the key factor here

and praying for the spirit to guide you and to direct you in wisdom and discernment on what are the next steps to take.

is there someone who you can turn to on innovative ways to get to service and yet be able to keep a distance from others for a bit?

Can you find a chair in the Narthex, off to the side?

Keep up your reaching out and your love of God.

an example to give is being terrified myself of public speaking.

until I fell so in love with the Lord

and this one day, totally unexpectedly and with zero training, my priest asked me to to just go up there and to read the NT reading.

talk about having a heart attack, but there was no time at all to even say no or anything.

I just looked up at the cross....bowed before Him and took those steps up to the lecturn, one step at a time

I looked upon the holy word of God and my sheer love for Him, powered by the Holy spirit took over.
With shaking hands, I slowly and carefully read each word, savoring the meaning by reading slowly so I would not get short of breath by my pounding heart!

I forever will be grateful to my priest for tapping me to do the unexpected, and the strength and courage that developed out of that from the Holy Spirit.

It can take multiple baby steps that lead up to this.

Pray, pray, pray and pray some more.
 
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joymercy

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The Holy spirit will give to you gifts, so ask for this to come, come, come.....
download (4).jpeg
 
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joymercy

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I am afraid of public speaking too, and it triggers my stutter full-on. I simply can't give a speech. But sharing the gospel is not a performance, it's not a speech. People usually think of it as a task where we try to convince someone else with words. I think of it in the terms of how I treat others. If people ask me where I get my hope, I will tell them. I can say I believe and I don't have to perform tricks. I can help if someone needs my help, and I can pray for them. My performance, as a sinner, will always be worse than I'd like, but I am not looking at my performance, I need to keep my eyes fixed on the cross and the grace on display, and the righteousness of Christ on my behalf. In myself, I find less and less, but in Him, I find more and more. Regardless of my feelings. My emotions are always against me, depression and anxiety for years and years have made sure of that. But my feelings are not my God, He is. I take His promises by faith and conviction, not by how I feel or what I can or can't do. Many people are brought to depend on God through failure, and through disappointment in their own efforts. What may seem like a curse, might be actually blessing in a disguise.

Said a prayer for you friend.

all eyes on the cross, exactly right on
 
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TeXMaT

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For the anxiety at services, Have you ever tried to come early and go up to the choir loft and have more privacy?

O how about the children's area off to the side?

Slowly, and in small steps, this can be over come, by the power of the Holy Spirit.

the power of the Holy spirit is the key factor here

and praying for the spirit to guide you and to direct you in wisdom and discernment on what are the next steps to take.

is there someone who you can turn to on innovative ways to get to service and yet be able to keep a distance from others for a bit?

Can you find a chair in the Narthex, off to the side?

Keep up your reaching out and your love of God.

an example to give is being terrified myself of public speaking.

until I fell so in love with the Lord

and this one day, totally unexpectedly and with zero training, my priest asked me to to just go up there and to read the NT reading.

talk about having a heart attack, but there was no time at all to even say no or anything.

I just looked up at the cross....bowed before Him and took those steps up to the lecturn, one step at a time

I looked upon the holy word of God and my sheer love for Him, powered by the Holy spirit took over.
With shaking hands, I slowly and carefully read each word, savoring the meaning by reading slowly so I would not get short of breath by my pounding heart!

I forever will be grateful to my priest for tapping me to do the unexpected, and the strength and courage that developed out of that from the Holy Spirit.

It can take multiple baby steps that lead up to this.

Pray, pray, pray and pray some more.

Thank you for the suggestions. I will reach out to pastor and plan on going to service next week. Try to work into it slowly.
 
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TeXMaT

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I am afraid of public speaking too, and it triggers my stutter full-on. I simply can't give a speech. But sharing the gospel is not a performance, it's not a speech. People usually think of it as a task where we try to convince someone else with words. I think of it in the terms of how I treat others. If people ask me where I get my hope, I will tell them. I can say I believe and I don't have to perform tricks. I can help if someone needs my help, and I can pray for them. There was a time when my faith was very young, and I came on these forums. What kept me here was not arguments, speeches, preaching or spectacle, but just simple love and kindness from a few people. I needed plenty of understanding and patient people around me, and I did meet some of them.

My performance, as a sinner, will always be worse than I'd like, often it's just horrible, but I am not looking at my performance, I need to keep my eyes fixed on the cross and the grace on display, and the righteousness of Christ on my behalf. In myself, I find less and less, but in Him, I find more and more. Regardless of my feelings. My emotions are always against me, depression and anxiety for years and years have made sure of that. But my feelings are not my God, He is. I take His promises by faith and conviction, not by how I feel or what I can or can't do. Many people are brought to depend on God through failure, and through disappointment in their own efforts. What may seem like a curse, might be actually blessing in a disguise.

Said a prayer for you friend.

About repentance, I quote this CH Spurgeon bit often:

“I hear another man cry, “Oh, sir my want of strength lies mainly in this, that I cannot repent sufficiently!” A curious idea men have of what repentance is! Many fancy that so many tears are to be shed, and so many groans are to be heaved, and so much despair is to be endured. Whence comes this unreasonable notion? Unbelief and despair are sins, and therefore I do not see how they can be constituent elements of acceptable repentance; yet there are many who regard them as necessary parts of true Christian experience. They are in great error. Still, I know what they mean, for in the days of my darkness I used to feel in the same way. I desired to repent, but I thought that I could not do it, and yet all the while I was repenting. Odd as it may sound, I felt that I could not feel. I used to get into a corner and weep, because I could not weep; and I fell into bitter sorrow because I could not sorrow for sin. What a jumble it all is when in our unbelieving state we begin to judge our own condition! It is like a blind man looking at his own eyes. My heart was melted within me for fear, because I thought that my heart was as hard as an adamant stone. My heart was broken to think that it would not break. Now I can see that I was exhibiting the very thing which I thought I did not possess; but then I knew not where I was. Remember that the man who truly repents is never satisfied with his own repentance. We can no more repent perfectly than we can live perfectly. However pure our tears, there will always be some dirt in them: there will be something to be repented of even in our best repentance. But listen! To repent is to change your mind about sin, and Christ, and all the great things of God. There is sorrow implied in this; but the main point is the turning of the heart from sin to Christ. If there be this turning, you have the essence of true repentance, even though no alarm and no despair should ever have cast their shadow upon your mind.”

There is a lot of wisdom here. Thank you. I am not sure what to say right now but wanted to let you know I read what you wrote and will be meditating on it.
 
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Richard Mulcahy

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There is a lot of wisdom here. Thank you. I am not sure what to say right now but wanted to let you know I read what you wrote and will be meditating on it.
Hi TexMat,
Think you may find comfort from listening to this song...

 
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Jeshu

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My dear brother in Christ. i feel for your position to be publicly a Christian can be a difficult thing to do for someone who is an introvert . Especially on demand. So please don't feel too bad about yourself being like that. The Gospel can be spread in different ways as well.

The issue with you is you are looking at the wrong person. You are looking at yourself and then you fail. That happens to a lot of us brother. Every time i look at myself to do something i find Romans 7 to be true. i do what i will not, and what i will i do not.

No brother the trick of salvation is to look at Christ and what He has done. Just let His forgiving love pour out upon you. Except Him in your life as Lord and heed Him not your fears about your salvation. He simply says all who come to me i shall never turn away.

When you look at Christ instead of yourself then you begin to grow in love, patience, kindness, goodness, joy, thankfulness, praise, self control, and fearlessness. Then you leave the old hurting you behind and bravely dare to walk in the new.

Not only that the biggest witness of our faith is not what we look like or what we cannot all do as in religious duties but the love of God growing in our hearts because of His grace oozing out of us. See the more grace you thankfully accept from Christ the more you will love Jesus for saving you a sinner. Now love for Jesus shies away from sin like nothing else does.

Let His love over you be your witness brother that way you can just be yourself without any demand to do something you haven't been able to do so far.

Each time satan brings your sins or shortcomings to mind, thank Jesus for forgiveness and His love and soon the accuser will leave you and joy in your faith will resurface and you will be a walking witness of Jesus Christ by how you are through Him and in Him. A person who truly loves God and neighbour with his whole heart.

Be of good courage Jesus will raise you to newness of life if you let Him and you will be His witness down on this earth by how you live your life in thankful joyfulness for His forgiving love.

Peace.

An invitation to The Chosen.

God's Love will not take or will
you to conform to rules or demand
which imprison, enslave, burn or kill you.

God's Love will not pervert what's Good
The Lord loves truthfully Wise and Good.
True Love was, is and always will be Good!

In God's Love you are free to be right!
In His love everything is good proper and kind.
He loves all who love good and true to rule!

His Love is caring, providing, and sharing.
His Love always enjoys and protects good life.
His love rules even when bad life has being in us!

Hear Jesus call - 'Come join up with us all!
Leave whatever ties you down and be free
loving good life with all God's own to be.'

To the rest in your heart God's asks
how long will you tarry in the darkness?
Please leave such bad existence within.

For life must not, no never should, or would, or could,
be forceful, rude, prideful, arrogant, selfish, lustful
or otherwise be untrue to God's loving truth.

Neither should life be hurting or ill,
hungry, oppressed, despised, hated
or otherwise have existence in wrong.

Please hand your Bad Life over to Jesus
Humbly ask for His Good Life back in return
and go love God, self and neighbour with Joy.

The Church knows that Jesus is coming soon
All bad life will be our shameful past then,
so please leave your bad life while you can!

Love
 
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