- Dec 4, 2019
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Guys and Gals I am still scared that my name got erased from the Book of Life and that somehow that I got the Mark of the Beast from the Yellow Cross doomed to be a false prophet. I realize Revelation 3:5 states He who overcomes shall be clothed in white garments, and I will not blot out his name from the Book of Life; but I will confess his name before My Father and before His angels. The hallucination of the Yellow Cross and the flickering light that followed me which turned out Satan was in in the light and I got confused from my Schizoaffective, OCD Scrupulosity, Pandas, Autism and bowed. I try so hard to distract myself and to ignore the Yellow Cross's accusation of blasphemy against the Holy Spirit. I am trying to focus on positive things and tomorrow I will hang out with my friend who is in YWAM Hawaii. I try so hard to relax and take comfort in the fact that God would never leave or forsake and he would never let me become a false prophet. I was listening to worship music tonight and spending time with the lord. I love What a Beautiful Name by Hillsong and I play there music constantly. I am just so worried about this mark of the beast false prophet stuff it concerns me so much about the yellow light that flickered in the shower and followed me to the door it tells me my name is erased from the Book of Life but no name gets erased from the Book of Life and that I blasphemed the Holy Spirit in the hallucination of the yellow flickering light it brings such emotional trauma thinking I blasphemed the Holy Spirit it bothers me to no end even though people see the Holy Spirit in me. I need to get into the Bible and read it everyday and really try to trust God. I want to be able to spread the gospel of Jesus Christ I am just so concerned about this illness. I am just so worried about the Yellow Cross and this blue light in my brain and things on skin it concerns me to no end thinking it the mark even though I know that it is not even out yet to take it feels so real. I know that Matthew 6 Jesus tells us not worry and how he cares for the birds and he doesn't want me to worry about the Yellow Cross which I had no control. I realize that my name is still in his Book of Life. I was just reading the Book of Matthew it scares me that their is an unforgivable sin in Matthew 12, Luke 12:10, and Mark 3:28-30 and this blasphemy against the Holy Spirit in the Yellow flickering light that was talking to me in the hallucination scares me Satan tells me that I blasphemed the Holy Spirit in the Yellow Cross. I mixed up Satan and Jesus and it worries me greatly and I can't get it out of my mind. I truly feel like I blasphemed the Holy Spirit in freak accident and that I am in an alternate timeline were I am pure evil and a false prophet. I don't understand the yellow flickering light I had no clue it might be blasphemy against the Holy Spirit would God allow a supernatural temptation beyond my ability in form of a yellow flickering light containing the Mark of the Beast but since it is in form of a hallucination I no chance to resit the devil as I could not even speak it talked to me but I couldn't resit it. Satan tempted Eve with a real tangible item of a fruit and she chose to ate it. I had no control of the temptation that Satan claimed I did since it was done through the form of a yellow flickering light and with my mental illness I had no chance to resit and I was unaware of my schizophrenia. I have several mental disorders that set me up failure I thought God loved me and would protect me The Lord will rescue me from every evil attack and will bring me safely to his heavenly kingdom to him be the glory forever and ever.Amen 2 Timothy 4:18 mentions that but I am worried that God didn't protect me from a supernatural temptation not known to man 1 Corinthians 10:13 states No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it. I don't see a way of escape from the temptation of the Yellow Cross this mark of the beast stuff feels so real did God allow Satan to send a supernatural temptation through the form of a hallucination in the shower that followed me to the door to see if I would really blaspheme the Holy Spirit. Would God really allow my name to blotted out from the Book of Life for an event of momentarily weakness out of my control. I don't understand what is going on with my life as I truly desire God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. People see the Fruit of the Holy Spirit in my life but I worry that is because they knew how I was before this satanic hallucination convincing me that I am a false prophet with this blue light and words on the skin. I try to praise the Lord but I am so scared due to momentarily weakness in a mental breakdown that I am going to Hell it feels so real my love of Awana is messed up I fear that I am giving everyone the Mark of the Beast instead of spreading the gospel of Jesus I fear that I am doing the devil's works that he is in my brain and heart and it says in the end times people will fall for demonic spirits and I worry the Yellow Cross was demonic but I had no control over being done in form of a hallucination meaning I could not fight back. I feel so empty and defeated right now why is God making me suffer he saved the prodigal son why can't he save me. I fear he erased my name from the Book of Life and it is like Hebrews 6 were I tasted the Holy Spirit but now I can't get back to Jesus I fear his blood can't save me. I am really struggling with this Yellow Cross and that it was blasphemy against the Holy Spirit. I am so distraught emotionally this mental illness is killing me making me think that Satan is in my brain and heart it concerns me greatly. If I blasphemed the Holy Spirit unaware can I be forgiven my Pastor Mark seems to think that I could get forgiven. I am so worried that I will never be forgiven and that I am a Holy Spirit blasphemer and that I am now destined to be a false prophet. I am trying to Jesus when I hear his name I get so excited and it makes my heart joyful when I hear praise music it makes everything feel like it is going to be all right. I fear it is not and that I will go to Hell even though I want to go to Heaven I realize it is mental illness and that I need to take my medicine 666 is not even out yet to take and I already confessed Jesus as Lord he is the King of Wonders and he is the same God that I told a guy about at House Boat camp and he was worried he sinned to bad for forgiveness and that he was going to hell. Ironically now the shoe is on the other foot I am worried in my mental illness cost me of my salvation and that I sinned to bad doing the unpardonable sin. I can't even count all the stars but God has them numbered he knew that I was going to fall for the Yellow Cross why would he blot my name from the Book of Life or is it a hallucination? Would a loving God who knows how desperately I long for his presence allow Satan to steal me from God's love in a hallucination the yellow cross I could not control could my name be in the book of death now. I am so worried and concerned that I won't be raptured and that I am a false prophet and that I got 666 which isn't even out yet to take the Antichrist isn't on the Earth yet nor is the False Prophet could Satan supernaturally tempt a believer into taking the mark or am I just crazy the sun looks different and I am worried that God is mad at me for falling into the Yellow Cross and I am just going through life trapped in an alternate universe without God. My love for God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit has not changed. I am just a normal college student who took the semester off who did script reading for a film festival and read a lot of dark stuff with blasphemous stuff that really set off my OCD and I was under a lot of stress and anxiety reading so many screenplays and meeting a timeline it was to much pressure to bear and I planned my trip to Austin. I had all the hallmarks of becoming schizophrenic it runs in my family my birth father has it but I am truly worried that I am now a false prophet why would Satan want a normal college student trying to love God. I am not perfect as I struggled with inappropriate content for 5 years and had blasphemous thoughts about the Holy Spirit when I watched it did grieve the Holy Spirit with my blasphemous thoughts and reading those scripts to where God figured that he was done with me and he allowed Satan to tempt me beyond my ability. Does God still love me? Did I reach the point of no return doing the unpardonable sin in the Yellow Cross. God is good and I am losing my mind thinking I blasphemed. I love the cross and I would never blaspheme Jesus, God, or the Holy Spirit and I love how the Thief on the cross repented and Jesus today surely today you will be in paradise. I have so much fear right now it started on October 4 people still see the Holy Spirit in me and try to trust them and relax but I have so many concerns right now. I love the Old Rugged Cross and I don't want to be a pawn of Satan's in Revelation 13 I want Revelation 3 to be true I want to be clothed in Jesus white garments and my name in the Book of Life which I think it is in the Book of life since I asked Jesus in my heart when I was 4 and I don't think that I can lose my salvation on a trick by Satan but it still worries me my mom and dad aren't concerned about my salvation they know how much I love the Lord but this hallucination feels so real to me it truly feels out of my body and I see words on my hands and forehead and it truly feels like I won't be raptured even though people see the Holy Spirit in me including Pastor Nathan who said on Sunday Night that he sees the Holy Spirit in me and that my eternal security is secure. I will see my friend from YWAM tomorrow he thinks I haven't blasphemed and I truly don't think I blasphemed the Holy Spirit in the hallucination of the Yellow Cross it disturbs me and I want to be positive and focus on whatever is right, pure, true, and honorable and I try to put on my full armor of God and read his word. I feel so disconnected and separated from God is this all mental illness making me think that I am Satan's and that I am a false prophet with 666 is this all in my head even though it feels out of body. Is the Holy Spirit still in heart and my Grandma said she felt the Holy Spirit at the Church and she cried at the Christmas Eve Service and she sees me come out of shell it just this 666 stuff feels so real why Satan use a college student to do great evil I thought the False Prophet. I am trying to move on with my life I have dreams and goals of spreading the gospel of Jesus Christ it is why I chose not to go to Austin and I felt such peace in my decision and the Holy Spirit momentarily cleared my mind of all the intrusive thoughts and September went well until the end of month I started to hear voices and things escalated quickly into mental illness and now I feel that I reached the point of no return and it scares me am I alright guys and gals does Jesus, God, and the Holy Spirit still love would they forsake a believer and allow a supernatural temptation beyond my ability. I just want to look forward to 2020 and to have fun and enjoy the Election and meet with my friend who is my spiritual mentor. I realize that their are seasons to life and right now my world is dark but God is still bigger and the Lord gives and takes away he gave me my body he can take it away he can takeaway my sanity and make me feel out of body. I know one day he will rapture me and deliver me from this evil that I have no control over my mom tries to get me to relax but it is so hard for me. I need so much prayer right now to get over this doubt.
Bible Gateway passage: Revelation 3:5 - New King James Version
Bible Gateway passage: Revelation 3:5 - New King James Version
