I'm asking this from a place of insecurity so please be gentle with me. This is taking a lot of bravery to be vulnerable like this. This has been ailing me for almost two years since I turned 24. I am 26 now.
I grew up thinking God wanted me to be celibate and serve the homeless. I had a plan to become a social worker or something and just have a lot of friends and associates and that I wouldn't ever want a spouse. I equated needing a man to weakness and mediocrity; every woman gets married--what would happen if I didn't? I felt like marriage was a cop-out for women who can't handle living on their own. I didn't want to do that. I wanted to feel "strong and independent" with just me and God. I thought my relationship with God would be stronger and more mystic if I never got married. I was infatuated with stories of nuns and hermits who did great things with their lives. Plus Paul did write that women who are unmarried are better focused on the things of God. I thought marriage was a bad idea in that aspect. Doesn't God want our full attention?
Well, when I turned 24 years old those sentiments changed. I started wishing I could be in a relationship with a guy. I started longing for a male companion. I wanted to experience that male-female connection. I started feeling this hollow-like sensation in my chest and I would pray to God with tears for His will to be done. To either help me find somebody, or to take away my longings and help me accept my singleness. I did this several times. I would write my feelings out on blogs and try to make sense of it all. I was concerned about how strongly I desired a relationship--it didn't seem like "me". It was a bit out of character. And, it made me feel guilty because God "should" have been enough for me. Why was I craving a relationship so bad? Were my eyes taken off God? So many conflicting feelings kept coming up and I didn't know what to do with them.
If it helps, I grew up not really having a healthy view of sex and romantic relationships. inappropriate contentography was sadly a part of my childhood home and I watched how heartbroken it made my mother. She would tell me all of it was filthy and that men only had one thing on their mind. She told me she hated intimacy and that it made her disgusted. At age 10 I took all of this in and it really shaped my view of sexuality. I think maybe this is where I get my "God wants me to be celibate" idea from--maybe deep down I am scared of intimacy like my mom was and I want to hide behind a "noble wall" to make myself feel secure, under the guise of "God wants me to be celibate, God wants me to do this thing etc."
I know it's not wrong to wish for a spouse, but my problem is, I don't know if God wants me to. I feel like I want a sign or proof from Him that it is His will for me. I also worry I have become too emotionally entrenched in the idea to the point God isn't enough for me anymore. I try to keep God 1st, but it's hard when I never feel His presence anymore. I never feel His love. When I do it doesn't last because I mess up a lot. And I fear He slinks away from me.
I also have a very big problem no one in my life knows about. I struggle with fantasizing. Kind of like scenes from a romance novel or movie. I do it usually at night after a hard day at work or when I feel unwanted or invisible. I feel horrible about it but I can't seem to kick the habit for good, because it always comes back. I was two weeks clean and then it all came crashing down. I still feel ashamed over it and it's making me act weird around people because I know I need to tell somebody but don't know how. I don't have anyone to talk to about it. I have to hide it and it's like I'm trapped.
I posted about my issue on a single Christian woman's Facebook group and some ladies told me I could have an evil spirit called Incubus who is haunting me, or a soul tie. That worries me. Because it seems I can't overcome this problem on my own. It keeps coming up. Then another lady told me she struggled with this too and it went away after she got married, which worries me too because what if I don't get married? Will I struggle with this forever?
I have really bad social anxiety and a stutter and it is hard for me to socialize without looking like an idiot. I can't really start up conversations unless they are initiated outside of myself first. I want friends, but I get so scared of rejection. It doesn't help that most of the people in my age group already have their circle of friends. It's harder to make new friends as you get older. But I do want to try. I am currently trying to find a church, maybe one with a singles group. I am sure even just being with other believers will help me, even if I don't make friends. It's going to be really hard because I hate going to new places by myself, but I have decided I need to just try. Please pray I make it happen.
I'm just tired of feeling these things. It's like Pandora's box opened and I can't shut it. I'm tired of this nagging desire following me everywhere I go. I'm tired of struggling. I've thought about looking for a therapist but with my crappy health insurance I don't think I can find a Christian therapist who won't just tell me my feelings are "natural" or "normal".
Thanks for reading my tripe. I think I just need to talk to somebody.
I grew up thinking God wanted me to be celibate and serve the homeless. I had a plan to become a social worker or something and just have a lot of friends and associates and that I wouldn't ever want a spouse. I equated needing a man to weakness and mediocrity; every woman gets married--what would happen if I didn't? I felt like marriage was a cop-out for women who can't handle living on their own. I didn't want to do that. I wanted to feel "strong and independent" with just me and God. I thought my relationship with God would be stronger and more mystic if I never got married. I was infatuated with stories of nuns and hermits who did great things with their lives. Plus Paul did write that women who are unmarried are better focused on the things of God. I thought marriage was a bad idea in that aspect. Doesn't God want our full attention?
Well, when I turned 24 years old those sentiments changed. I started wishing I could be in a relationship with a guy. I started longing for a male companion. I wanted to experience that male-female connection. I started feeling this hollow-like sensation in my chest and I would pray to God with tears for His will to be done. To either help me find somebody, or to take away my longings and help me accept my singleness. I did this several times. I would write my feelings out on blogs and try to make sense of it all. I was concerned about how strongly I desired a relationship--it didn't seem like "me". It was a bit out of character. And, it made me feel guilty because God "should" have been enough for me. Why was I craving a relationship so bad? Were my eyes taken off God? So many conflicting feelings kept coming up and I didn't know what to do with them.
If it helps, I grew up not really having a healthy view of sex and romantic relationships. inappropriate contentography was sadly a part of my childhood home and I watched how heartbroken it made my mother. She would tell me all of it was filthy and that men only had one thing on their mind. She told me she hated intimacy and that it made her disgusted. At age 10 I took all of this in and it really shaped my view of sexuality. I think maybe this is where I get my "God wants me to be celibate" idea from--maybe deep down I am scared of intimacy like my mom was and I want to hide behind a "noble wall" to make myself feel secure, under the guise of "God wants me to be celibate, God wants me to do this thing etc."
I know it's not wrong to wish for a spouse, but my problem is, I don't know if God wants me to. I feel like I want a sign or proof from Him that it is His will for me. I also worry I have become too emotionally entrenched in the idea to the point God isn't enough for me anymore. I try to keep God 1st, but it's hard when I never feel His presence anymore. I never feel His love. When I do it doesn't last because I mess up a lot. And I fear He slinks away from me.
I also have a very big problem no one in my life knows about. I struggle with fantasizing. Kind of like scenes from a romance novel or movie. I do it usually at night after a hard day at work or when I feel unwanted or invisible. I feel horrible about it but I can't seem to kick the habit for good, because it always comes back. I was two weeks clean and then it all came crashing down. I still feel ashamed over it and it's making me act weird around people because I know I need to tell somebody but don't know how. I don't have anyone to talk to about it. I have to hide it and it's like I'm trapped.
I posted about my issue on a single Christian woman's Facebook group and some ladies told me I could have an evil spirit called Incubus who is haunting me, or a soul tie. That worries me. Because it seems I can't overcome this problem on my own. It keeps coming up. Then another lady told me she struggled with this too and it went away after she got married, which worries me too because what if I don't get married? Will I struggle with this forever?
I have really bad social anxiety and a stutter and it is hard for me to socialize without looking like an idiot. I can't really start up conversations unless they are initiated outside of myself first. I want friends, but I get so scared of rejection. It doesn't help that most of the people in my age group already have their circle of friends. It's harder to make new friends as you get older. But I do want to try. I am currently trying to find a church, maybe one with a singles group. I am sure even just being with other believers will help me, even if I don't make friends. It's going to be really hard because I hate going to new places by myself, but I have decided I need to just try. Please pray I make it happen.
I'm just tired of feeling these things. It's like Pandora's box opened and I can't shut it. I'm tired of this nagging desire following me everywhere I go. I'm tired of struggling. I've thought about looking for a therapist but with my crappy health insurance I don't think I can find a Christian therapist who won't just tell me my feelings are "natural" or "normal".
Thanks for reading my tripe. I think I just need to talk to somebody.