Husband turns down sex consistently

tall73

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What made it so unbearable was that when he would call me which would be most days... he would always have me on speaker phone with his mother, brother, sister in law and the kids in the room. At first I didn’t think much of it but when I realized that every time he called this is the only way he talked to me it started to feel like I couldn’t talk to him without thinking about making sure I didn’t say anything too personal with everyone listening in and feeling like I needed a “chaperone” to talk to my husband. When I finally called him when he was alone and told him we needed time alone talking especially because of this physical distance and time between us he brushed it off and was like “okay.” But he continued to only talk to me on speaker phone in front of the whole family. I again got him on the phone alone and repeated the conversation as before... I literally had to become very upset and repeat this conversation at least 4 or 5 times total before he finally complied and started talking to me privately more. This made me feel that he didn’t value my feelings or respect me at all the fact that he kept doing this and also didn’t seem to understand what he was doing was strange when I felt uncomfortable only being able to share a conversation with his mother present.

This is unusual. Do you think the spearkerphone was his idea or his mothers?
 
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tturt

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Yes it is What is his relationship with her now? Was she a problem in his first marriage? How is your relationship with her?

Of course, you dont have to respond to these questions. Just wondering how these might be affecting him.

Also, has he had a thyroid test lately?
 
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Rescued One

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Do you have any idea why she would say this?

What has your relationship with her been like?

His mother may not be a Christian if she said that; Christians are not to bear false witness nor let any unwholesome talk come out of their mouths.
 
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First let me say if you read all of this God bless you. I’m sorry... it’s just so much to say.

My husband has been turning down sex for a while now. At first I thought maybe it was just because of performance anxiety or because of his hypothyroid issues affecting sex drive because he’s used both as excuses before. But it really started after when we had moved to another state 700 miles away from our hometown. What happened was that he ended up being miserable in the new job we moved out there for so wanted to quit. We had decided we wanted to stay in the area because we liked it there so he started looking for another job and I kept working at my job. At the same time he was looking his mother was getting ready to close their family store back in his hometown. We talked about it and even though I wasn’t crazy about it... I agreed to the idea of him quitting his job and temporarily going down to help her get the family store ready to close. It was worth doing it for just a few months because the money he’d be making was extremely good for just a short time. But he promised me it would be about 3 months and warned me he might have to go over that a little bit. He knew I wasn’t crazy about the idea of him leaving me up there alone... especially since I would be turning 35 that year and we’d been trying to have children. We both agreed we didn’t want to go back to hometown (I thought... but I have no idea any more what he’s thinking..he said he didn’t want to go back).

Anyway it was a tough year because my biological clock was ticking like crazy and it was really important to me that we keep trying. He’s never given me any reason to think he didn’t want kids... quite the opposite. It ended up being 9 months he was gone and I was not happy at all about it... because that was not the agreement but his mother kept dragging her feet on getting things done so that my husband could do what he needed to get done. He acted extremely frustrated that she was doing this... but honestly I don’t know what to think about his actions anymore. What made it so unbearable was that when he would call me which would be most days... he would always have me on speaker phone with his mother, brother, sister in law and the kids in the room. At first I didn’t think much of it but when I realized that every time he called this is the only way he talked to me it started to feel like I couldn’t talk to him without thinking about making sure I didn’t say anything too personal with everyone listening in and feeling like I needed a “chaperone” to talk to my husband. When I finally called him when he was alone and told him we needed time alone talking especially because of this physical distance and time between us he brushed it off and was like “okay.” But he continued to only talk to me on speaker phone in front of the whole family. I again got him on the phone alone and repeated the conversation as before... I literally had to become very upset and repeat this conversation at least 4 or 5 times total before he finally complied and started talking to me privately more. This made me feel that he didn’t value my feelings or respect me at all the fact that he kept doing this and also didn’t seem to understand what he was doing was strange when I felt uncomfortable only being able to share a conversation with his mother present. One time on speaker phone his mother said to me something about having fun with my boyfriend while my husband’s out of town. I found this extremely rude and inappropriate... and no there was no boyfriend.

Because of the distance between us my husband could only afford to travel to see me once a month for a few days. When he would come to see me I would expect to have sex obviously... and no I wasn’t pressuring him and making it all about having a baby. The first 3 months he refused my advances. This hurt really badly, it felt like a huge eye opener to how he must really feel about me when he hasn’t seen me in 1 month and doesn’t want to be with me intimately. After the 3 month mark he promised to be done by he started having sex again when he was there for his monthly visit. Just once usually though.

Ever since that time away I’d felt like a part of our relationship had lessened or maybe even died. I feel like he showed how little he valued me by the way he handled the situation. It changed the way I saw him. But when he got back finally I kind of decided I no longer felt that I wanted children with him. The relationship just felt so different and I didn’t know if we would be a good example of a a relationship between a mother and a father for a child. I no longer trusted him to be a good example of a father. But it felt like he put his mother before his wife and I don’t think that’s biblical or moral. He went way beyond the time limit we had agreed on. I don’t think it would have been quite so bad had it been 1 or even 2 months past but 3x longer than planned? No. I was afraid to tell him I had reservations about having children now because he still talked about it. He still never initiated. But I started only “wanting sex” on the weeks I knew I had the least chance of getting pregnant.

The whole point of telling all of this is to figure out WHY he’s acting the way he is now. I’ve gotten to a point with him where I’m still not thinking I want children with him but I also can’t live without sex. I didn’t get married thinking I was vowing to live a life of celibacy. But he seems to be consistently turning down sex. This is his typical approach to sex: When I’m in the mood, he comments that he knows I’m in the mood but he’s not. He’ll apologize and usually say let’s plan to do it tomorrow around such and such time. So then the next day he typically will follow through if he says he will. What is that? Is that him trying to control me with sex? I’m always in the mood at night and he says he’s tired at night. I’ve made an agreement with myself that I will no longer take scheduled sex from him. He knows I don’t like that the only way we have it is planning in advance. This is the ONLY way we have it. And if I initiate I’m turned down. I like spontaneity otherwise after everything he’s put me through it’s a turn off. Furthermore I’m tired of being turned down. It has hurt in the past (notice i said in the past... in just the past few days I think the last few romantic feelings I’ve had for him have died) and I’ve told him that last year when he went home to help his mom close the store it almost completely destroyed our relationship and that I honestly don’t think the marriage could make it through something like that again. His only response was “I know”.

Another thing that has really been damaging to our sex life and I’m just starting to realize how screwed up it is... is that most days randomly during the day he’ll playfully touch me sexually but then if I get aroused he won’t follow through. Considering that he has gotten to the point where he always turns down sex when I want it and has to control when we have it on top of that... does it sound like he’s just being cruel and trying to be the one in control? He was cheated on by his first wife and I wonder if he’s punishing me in someway with everything that’s happened because of his bad experience with her. Maybe he’s afraid I’ll leave him and he’s trying to turn me down first... or trying to make me feel like no other man would want me so I won’t leave??? The bad thing is I’ve held out hope for our relationship for a long time now and tried to be the good Christian wife but I’m realizing that it’s almost like he’s trying to push me away. Maybe he wants me to leave him I’ve even thought??? But if that’s the case why did we just move across country to the school of my choice so he can pay my way through going back to school? He seems so invested literally yet he doesn’t want sex. He makes absolutely no sense to me. And on the surface I don’t see that he’s angry at me or resents me in any way. But I’m starting to wonder if all of these things are more passive aggressive or covert than I’d initially realized.

Im going back to school to get a degree in psychology and may eventually want to go into ministry. But if I’m going to be any good to help other people and to have my relationship with God right... I HAVE to make some changes in this dysfunctional relationship... I can’t have the way he’s acting derail all of my hard work and commitments. The other concern I have is that some days I really need both the emotional and physical aspects of sex and masturbation seems to be my only viable option if I’m going to have the healthy strong boundaries I need in place to be any good to help people. So just last night I made a list of new boundaries I’m setting for myself because I don’t think I realized just how badly what he was doing was affecting me until now, it’s affecting my boundary lines in unhealthy ways and bleeding over in general into letting others cross boundaries too in non sexual ways. It’s also not good for my self esteem. And I’m struggling with lustful thoughts about other men... I’m afraid my husband being perfectly happy without sex with me is going to cause me to stumble and cheat. But these are the boundaries I feel I need to put up... because he’s forcing me into this:

1) I will no longer let him taunt me by touching me during the day when I know it will not lead to anything. I will push him away, my body is my body and he can’t toy with it like that.
2) I’m no longer initiating sex even if I really need it. I will take care of it myself.
3) I will only accept spontaneous sex FROM HIM if it feels sincere.... and I don’t know how he will convince me of that. At this point it would take a lot of romance and foreplay.

I know this sounds unbiblical but I don’t know what else to do... I’ve tried talking to him several times in the past asking if I did something or if he’s not attracted anymore or if I’m doing something to make him feel uncomfortable. I honestly feel attractive and I know other men find me attractive... and that’s what makes me most angry about all of this.... I feel so on edge now that my husband and me are unbonded. I’ve had men flirt with me and I feel vulnerable to being broken down at a weak moment some days. I stay as far away from men as I can and try to stay as detached from all men that could possibly be a problem in the future. But it seems some can sense the vulnerability. My husband has put me in an impossible position.

Today all feelings I had for him that were romantic died. I feel like I’m living with a platonic roommate who has the rights to tell me when I can and can’t have sex. I held out hope for a long time that things would get better and he’d make me feel pursued again... but that’s just not in the cards. I know I can’t have children with a man that doesn’t make me feel pursued and loved. I can’t control what he does. So I guess I’ll live a life of celibacy.

What do you think - does it sound like he’s just being cruel in a covert way? And if he’s really got malicious intent why is he taking care of me so well financially and is helping me empower myself? What do you think of my boundaries? I feel handling it this way is the only option to take care of myself.

They have a few different types of prescription pills now that would help your husband to jumpstart things.

He apparently needs a little help there.

Like a very low car battery that won't start.
Get some juice into that thing.
Fire it up.
Use it or lose it.
M-Bob
 
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Rescued One

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His mother may not be a Christian if she said that; Christians are not to bear false witness nor let any unwholesome talk come out of their mouths.

@mkgal, how is that funny? :scratch:
 
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createdtoworship

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How does a wife know if he's looking at inappropriate content? Men usually do that secretly.
I would ask him in a very serious tone and try to notice hesitations to answer question. I would question any hesitations, and ask why there was a hesitation. Christians in general should not be good at lying. There are many tells to lying. My son lies when he answers too quickly. I can tell he is trying to cover something. A wife should be able to tell if this makes him uncomfortable. If it does ask why?
 
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createdtoworship

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First let me say if you read all of this God bless you. I’m sorry... it’s just so much to say.

My husband has been turning down sex for a while now. At first I thought maybe it was just because of performance anxiety or because of his hypothyroid issues affecting sex drive because he’s used both as excuses before. But it really started after when we had moved to another state 700 miles away from our hometown. What happened was that he ended up being miserable in the new job we moved out there for so wanted to quit. We had decided we wanted to stay in the area because we liked it there so he started looking for another job and I kept working at my job. At the same time he was looking his mother was getting ready to close their family store back in his hometown. We talked about it and even though I wasn’t crazy about it... I agreed to the idea of him quitting his job and temporarily going down to help her get the family store ready to close. It was worth doing it for just a few months because the money he’d be making was extremely good for just a short time. But he promised me it would be about 3 months and warned me he might have to go over that a little bit. He knew I wasn’t crazy about the idea of him leaving me up there alone... especially since I would be turning 35 that year and we’d been trying to have children. We both agreed we didn’t want to go back to hometown (I thought... but I have no idea any more what he’s thinking..he said he didn’t want to go back).

Anyway it was a tough year because my biological clock was ticking like crazy and it was really important to me that we keep trying. He’s never given me any reason to think he didn’t want kids... quite the opposite. It ended up being 9 months he was gone and I was not happy at all about it... because that was not the agreement but his mother kept dragging her feet on getting things done so that my husband could do what he needed to get done. He acted extremely frustrated that she was doing this... but honestly I don’t know what to think about his actions anymore. What made it so unbearable was that when he would call me which would be most days... he would always have me on speaker phone with his mother, brother, sister in law and the kids in the room. At first I didn’t think much of it but when I realized that every time he called this is the only way he talked to me it started to feel like I couldn’t talk to him without thinking about making sure I didn’t say anything too personal with everyone listening in and feeling like I needed a “chaperone” to talk to my husband. When I finally called him when he was alone and told him we needed time alone talking especially because of this physical distance and time between us he brushed it off and was like “okay.” But he continued to only talk to me on speaker phone in front of the whole family. I again got him on the phone alone and repeated the conversation as before... I literally had to become very upset and repeat this conversation at least 4 or 5 times total before he finally complied and started talking to me privately more. This made me feel that he didn’t value my feelings or respect me at all the fact that he kept doing this and also didn’t seem to understand what he was doing was strange when I felt uncomfortable only being able to share a conversation with his mother present. One time on speaker phone his mother said to me something about having fun with my boyfriend while my husband’s out of town. I found this extremely rude and inappropriate... and no there was no boyfriend.

Because of the distance between us my husband could only afford to travel to see me once a month for a few days. When he would come to see me I would expect to have sex obviously... and no I wasn’t pressuring him and making it all about having a baby. The first 3 months he refused my advances. This hurt really badly, it felt like a huge eye opener to how he must really feel about me when he hasn’t seen me in 1 month and doesn’t want to be with me intimately. After the 3 month mark he promised to be done by he started having sex again when he was there for his monthly visit. Just once usually though.

Ever since that time away I’d felt like a part of our relationship had lessened or maybe even died. I feel like he showed how little he valued me by the way he handled the situation. It changed the way I saw him. But when he got back finally I kind of decided I no longer felt that I wanted children with him. The relationship just felt so different and I didn’t know if we would be a good example of a a relationship between a mother and a father for a child. I no longer trusted him to be a good example of a father. But it felt like he put his mother before his wife and I don’t think that’s biblical or moral. He went way beyond the time limit we had agreed on. I don’t think it would have been quite so bad had it been 1 or even 2 months past but 3x longer than planned? No. I was afraid to tell him I had reservations about having children now because he still talked about it. He still never initiated. But I started only “wanting sex” on the weeks I knew I had the least chance of getting pregnant.

The whole point of telling all of this is to figure out WHY he’s acting the way he is now. I’ve gotten to a point with him where I’m still not thinking I want children with him but I also can’t live without sex. I didn’t get married thinking I was vowing to live a life of celibacy. But he seems to be consistently turning down sex. This is his typical approach to sex: When I’m in the mood, he comments that he knows I’m in the mood but he’s not. He’ll apologize and usually say let’s plan to do it tomorrow around such and such time. So then the next day he typically will follow through if he says he will. What is that? Is that him trying to control me with sex? I’m always in the mood at night and he says he’s tired at night. I’ve made an agreement with myself that I will no longer take scheduled sex from him. He knows I don’t like that the only way we have it is planning in advance. This is the ONLY way we have it. And if I initiate I’m turned down. I like spontaneity otherwise after everything he’s put me through it’s a turn off. Furthermore I’m tired of being turned down. It has hurt in the past (notice i said in the past... in just the past few days I think the last few romantic feelings I’ve had for him have died) and I’ve told him that last year when he went home to help his mom close the store it almost completely destroyed our relationship and that I honestly don’t think the marriage could make it through something like that again. His only response was “I know”.

Another thing that has really been damaging to our sex life and I’m just starting to realize how screwed up it is... is that most days randomly during the day he’ll playfully touch me sexually but then if I get aroused he won’t follow through. Considering that he has gotten to the point where he always turns down sex when I want it and has to control when we have it on top of that... does it sound like he’s just being cruel and trying to be the one in control? He was cheated on by his first wife and I wonder if he’s punishing me in someway with everything that’s happened because of his bad experience with her. Maybe he’s afraid I’ll leave him and he’s trying to turn me down first... or trying to make me feel like no other man would want me so I won’t leave??? The bad thing is I’ve held out hope for our relationship for a long time now and tried to be the good Christian wife but I’m realizing that it’s almost like he’s trying to push me away. Maybe he wants me to leave him I’ve even thought??? But if that’s the case why did we just move across country to the school of my choice so he can pay my way through going back to school? He seems so invested literally yet he doesn’t want sex. He makes absolutely no sense to me. And on the surface I don’t see that he’s angry at me or resents me in any way. But I’m starting to wonder if all of these things are more passive aggressive or covert than I’d initially realized.

Im going back to school to get a degree in psychology and may eventually want to go into ministry. But if I’m going to be any good to help other people and to have my relationship with God right... I HAVE to make some changes in this dysfunctional relationship... I can’t have the way he’s acting derail all of my hard work and commitments. The other concern I have is that some days I really need both the emotional and physical aspects of sex and masturbation seems to be my only viable option if I’m going to have the healthy strong boundaries I need in place to be any good to help people. So just last night I made a list of new boundaries I’m setting for myself because I don’t think I realized just how badly what he was doing was affecting me until now, it’s affecting my boundary lines in unhealthy ways and bleeding over in general into letting others cross boundaries too in non sexual ways. It’s also not good for my self esteem. And I’m struggling with lustful thoughts about other men... I’m afraid my husband being perfectly happy without sex with me is going to cause me to stumble and cheat. But these are the boundaries I feel I need to put up... because he’s forcing me into this:

1) I will no longer let him taunt me by touching me during the day when I know it will not lead to anything. I will push him away, my body is my body and he can’t toy with it like that.
2) I’m no longer initiating sex even if I really need it. I will take care of it myself.
3) I will only accept spontaneous sex FROM HIM if it feels sincere.... and I don’t know how he will convince me of that. At this point it would take a lot of romance and foreplay.

I know this sounds unbiblical but I don’t know what else to do... I’ve tried talking to him several times in the past asking if I did something or if he’s not attracted anymore or if I’m doing something to make him feel uncomfortable. I honestly feel attractive and I know other men find me attractive... and that’s what makes me most angry about all of this.... I feel so on edge now that my husband and me are unbonded. I’ve had men flirt with me and I feel vulnerable to being broken down at a weak moment some days. I stay as far away from men as I can and try to stay as detached from all men that could possibly be a problem in the future. But it seems some can sense the vulnerability. My husband has put me in an impossible position.

Today all feelings I had for him that were romantic died. I feel like I’m living with a platonic roommate who has the rights to tell me when I can and can’t have sex. I held out hope for a long time that things would get better and he’d make me feel pursued again... but that’s just not in the cards. I know I can’t have children with a man that doesn’t make me feel pursued and loved. I can’t control what he does. So I guess I’ll live a life of celibacy.

What do you think - does it sound like he’s just being cruel in a covert way? And if he’s really got malicious intent why is he taking care of me so well financially and is helping me empower myself? What do you think of my boundaries? I feel handling it this way is the only option to take care of myself.
I am by no means a tech wizard but is there something called facetime or something , like skype. Anyway, it's a way to have sexy moments during year when travelling. That may help bond you. If you are apart most of year it's hard to be intimate with a stranger. You Don't Need To reply, Just thinking Out loud.
 
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KateforChrist

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But it really started after when we had moved to another state 700 miles away from our hometown. What happened was that he ended up being miserable in the new job we moved out there for so wanted to quit. We had decided we wanted to stay in the area because we liked it there so he started looking for another job and I kept working at my job. At the same time he was looking his mother was getting ready to close their family store back in his hometown.

If things were okay before the move and job issues, it might be stress. Going back "home" (previous location) might have felt comfortable to him. And of course returning to his new home and (I'm assuming) having to look for a new job.
 
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If he denies you intimacy and his love/need for you then he is acting unfaithful to his marriage vows.
I do not recall a vow guaranteeing sexual satisfaction.

Wilt thou have this woman to thy wedded wife, to live together after God's ordinance in the holy estate of Matrimony? Wilt thou love her, comfort her, honour, and keep her, in sickness and in health; and, forsaking all other, keep thee only unto her, so long as ye both shall live?

I,____, take thee,_____, to be my wedded Wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part, according to God's holy ordinance; and thereto I plight thee my troth.

Friends, in the fear of the Lord, and before this assembly, I take my friend _____ to be my wife, promising, through divine assistance, to be unto her a loving and faithful husband, until it shall please the Lord by death to separate us

Sorry but I do not see any mention of that in any of these.

ETA: Now if you come at it frm a biblical standpoint, you have a better argument. Providing sexual satisfaction (especially on the part of the husband) is commanded in both testaments; and no where more clearly than 1 Cor 7:

3 The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.​
 
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GodsChild77

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Hi GodsChild,

After reading your post 2 things came to mind. The possibility that his first wife had an affair because sex became infrequent. And (as I think was the case with my husband) he may be suffering from depression.

I agree with Phoebe Ann about seeing a counsellor. My suggestion would be for it to be a female Christian counsellor. You might have to visit a few before you find a suitable one, so I would also suggest treating the first session as an investigation about whether you think it is the right person. If you poor out your heart and realise that it isn't the right person, you then have to go through it all again and it can be very draining. And of course pray about it too.

Yes I’ve wondered if she left him for that reason but I don’t know her firsthand so all I can go off is his side of the story. I’ve wondered before if he could be depressed but I honestly don’t see signs of depression in him. If anyone’s struggled with depression it’s me. Is it possible to appear chipper and upbeat but really be depressed? I can be obviously upset and he’ll act as if nothing happened or it’s not that big of a deal. As I’ve healed from past trauma I’ve noticed that, though he’s a good provider of physical things he’s not a very good listener and doesn’t tend to show sorrow for when he hurts me unless it reaches a point where I get extremely upset... which it takes a lot to get me to that point. I’m starting to wonder if he’s more selfish than I had previously realized. I’m not trying to be ugly by saying that I’m just being completely honest about what I see.

And I know what you mean about pouring your heart out to a counselor and then realizing they’re not helping and how draining that is. I tried that earlier this year and she almost sent me spiraling all the way back down from how far I’ve come. I’ll try again eventually possibly but I need a little time til I feel ready again.
 
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GodsChild77

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I would look into why a husband would not want sex. Perhaps he is satisfied with something outside of marriage, like inappropriate content, or something else. also I was thinking about the scheduling thing, perhaps he is stressed due to work? That would make sense if he didn't feel right. But over stimulation via inappropriate contentography would be one reason for not being satisfied with marriage bed and also cause confidence issues. See if He is fantasizing over perfect women online repeatedly, then little old wifey will not longer do it for Him. I would ask some probing questions. Especially if He is gone major parts of the year, He has to have some kind of outlet that He is not mentioning.

He did admit before we got married that he had struggled with inappropriate content so it is a possibility. We addressed why it was so important he doesn’t do that and how it affects a person and relationship to do that in premarital counseling and he said he didn’t do it anymore at the time. Ive thought before about asking him, I just am trying to figure out the right way and when is the best time. He has had stress at work in the past and has used that as an excuse for not being in the mood before. For a while I did just chalk it up to stress and health issues but lately I’m wondering if it’s more psychological than I had realized. And no he’s not gone for parts of the year. He comes home every night.
 
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GodsChild77

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When you say these are excuses, are you saying that he does not in fact have these conditions, or that you think he references them in a bad faith manner rather than tell you the actual reason?

Do you think these were ever valid reasons for refusing in the past?


When I say excuse I just mean that’s the reason he gives. Maybe I use the word excuse because i honestly don’t know what to think about what he says and does right now. I don’t automatically believe everything he says is a lie but I do feel like he’s not telling me everything.
 
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GodsChild77

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How close is he with his mother and why would she put out "boyfriend" comments over the phone? There is obviously something deeper going on and you need to get to the bottom of it before bringing a baby into it.

He takes care of his mother because she’s his mother but he doesn’t agree with her on everything or do everything she wants him to. He doesn’t like the way she treats people a lot of times. He realizes she’s pretty messed up. She’s just difficult in general and is always trying to stir up drama between people. I did wonder if she said this because my husband thought I was cheating and then I wondered if she just said it to try to break us up because she likes to be in control of her family. I even told him I found it incredibly rude that she said that and very unmotherly and asked him why he thought she said that and he just brushed it off and said “I don’t know. I know.” And then changed the subject.
 
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GodsChild77

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Did he ever, at any point in your relationship, initiate?

Yes the first few years he did.


Rejection in such a fashion is painful. However, there are many reasons this could happen.

When you bring it up, what does he say?

He gives a list of excuses depending on the night. His medication decreases sex drive (but “decreased sex drive” was already an excuse before the medication), he’s tired because of sleep apnea, he doesn’t have energy because he’s gained weight, he doesn’t have energy at night... yet I can’t remember the last time we ever had sex in the morning even when he was more energetic. This is the thing, I am an empathetic person... but he talks about these excuses but then never tries to do anything to improve the situation. I’ve quit talking to him about it. He knows how I feel. I’ve told him I understand his circumstance but the fact that he doesn’t even try to wear his cpap mask to get better sleep, won’t even go walking for 10 tiny minutes around the block to try to get healthier, won’t even TRY to take part when we are having intercourse... instead of me having to do all the work (which is the biggest turn off ever for woman by the way). I’ve offered to go on special diets with him and cook whatever he wants but he’s not willing to change what he eats. All of these ways that he won’t put forth any effort to better himself proves to me he doesn’t care enough about me to better our relationship. And that my needs don’t really matter. If he were trying even some right now I probably would have never started this thread... because I’d still have hope or at least know he cares and is trying.

And if he can’t do any of these things for himself what would happen if we had children? Would I be taking care of them by myself?


It appears he stated what he meant. He wasn't in the mood at that time, and then he indicated he could work up to it later. He then followed through later.

Is he generally stressed?

It is not unusual for people to be tired at the end of the day. And his sexual response might be lessened then.

So I never know what to think when he wants to schedule for the next day. Maybe I just don’t understand how the male body works. I totally understand that when you’re not in the mood, you’re not in the mood. But I think he’d be perfectly content having no sex life with me at all. So how is it that he’s able to work himself up to it the next day if it’s not something his body is needing? Does this mean he’s masturbating regularly and doesn’t purposely the day of being intimate with me? Or does it mean that before he gets with me he watches a bunch of inappropriate content to get “ready” for it?

You asked if he’s generally stressed. He’s stressed at times but not all the time. All the time he doesn’t need sex.

If you refuse sex when you could get pregnant, and refuse sex that is planned, and you prefer sex at night, yet he does not prefer sex at night, does not prefer spontaneous, and apparently wants children--that sounds like it is going to not work out often.

Exactly. But that’s the circumstance. I don’t really think the sex at night thing is a viable excuse for him because we’ve never been morning sex people and he doesn’t even actually offer that option. Just talks about it. Surprise surprise I’ve been turned down in the morning.

At this point you seem to be thinking he is manipulating you. You indicate in earlier posts that you had an abusive emotional relationship before, and an abusive work situation, and possibly an abusive situation with your mother.

Did you ever work through those issues fully? Are you sure he is manipulating you, or is he just trying to care for you, and is struggling with this aspect?

Ironically yes I’ve worked through a lot of that trauma and I’ve healed a lot just of lately and that’s why suddenly I’m starting to wonder if maybe all this time i hadn’t been seeing what was right in front of me and that maybe he’s not completely innocent on his part. If it weren’t for him toying with me so much I wouldn’t even wonder if he’s manipulating me trying to control. I’ve addressed how this affects me (by saying how I feel and not accusing him) and that I don’t like it several times and his reaction is to brush it off as not that big of a deal and continue to do it. He might say sorry but then do it again. His reaction to my addressing it raises red flags for me.
 
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mkgal1

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How long has he been living back at home with you @GodsChild77 ? You may wish to read about people with control issues. It's a completely different set of "rules" they have for relationships. Leslie Vernick (I think) does a good job at helping her readers evaluate their relationships without coming off as accusatory to everyone (she used to offer a community FB group - I'm not sure if she still does). Here's the name of her book:

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Home - Leslie Vernick- Christ-Centered Counseling

Another resource about the dynamics of domestic abuse: Lesson 03: Dynamics of Domestic Violence
 
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I would ask him in a very serious tone and try to notice hesitations to answer question. I would question any hesitations, and ask why there was a hesitation. Christians in general should not be good at lying. There are many tells to lying. My son lies when he answers too quickly. I can tell he is trying to cover something. A wife should be able to tell if this makes him uncomfortable. If it does ask why?

I'm sorry, but the answer would not prove to me that a person is lying. Some people are experts at lying. Some professionals, soldiers, and politicians are required to lie or find another job.
 
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mkgal1

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So I never know what to think when he wants to schedule for the next day. Maybe I just don’t understand how the male body works. I totally understand that when you’re not in the mood, you’re not in the mood. But I think he’d be perfectly content having no sex life with me at all. So how is it that he’s able to work himself up to it the next day if it’s not something his body is needing? Does this mean he’s masturbating regularly and doesn’t purposely the day of being intimate with me? Or does it mean that before he gets with me he watches a bunch of inappropriate content to get “ready” for it?
This is what has me wondering as well. It's strange to me that he can schedule for the next day (and you've posted that he *does* follow through on that). If he's not taking medication for ED - then what is he doing in preparation, I wonder.
 
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