Husband turns down sex consistently

GodsChild77

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First let me say if you read all of this God bless you. I’m sorry... it’s just so much to say.

My husband has been turning down sex for a while now. At first I thought maybe it was just because of performance anxiety or because of his hypothyroid issues affecting sex drive because he’s used both as excuses before. But it really started after when we had moved to another state 700 miles away from our hometown. What happened was that he ended up being miserable in the new job we moved out there for so wanted to quit. We had decided we wanted to stay in the area because we liked it there so he started looking for another job and I kept working at my job. At the same time he was looking his mother was getting ready to close their family store back in his hometown. We talked about it and even though I wasn’t crazy about it... I agreed to the idea of him quitting his job and temporarily going down to help her get the family store ready to close. It was worth doing it for just a few months because the money he’d be making was extremely good for just a short time. But he promised me it would be about 3 months and warned me he might have to go over that a little bit. He knew I wasn’t crazy about the idea of him leaving me up there alone... especially since I would be turning 35 that year and we’d been trying to have children. We both agreed we didn’t want to go back to hometown (I thought... but I have no idea any more what he’s thinking..he said he didn’t want to go back).

Anyway it was a tough year because my biological clock was ticking like crazy and it was really important to me that we keep trying. He’s never given me any reason to think he didn’t want kids... quite the opposite. It ended up being 9 months he was gone and I was not happy at all about it... because that was not the agreement but his mother kept dragging her feet on getting things done so that my husband could do what he needed to get done. He acted extremely frustrated that she was doing this... but honestly I don’t know what to think about his actions anymore. What made it so unbearable was that when he would call me which would be most days... he would always have me on speaker phone with his mother, brother, sister in law and the kids in the room. At first I didn’t think much of it but when I realized that every time he called this is the only way he talked to me it started to feel like I couldn’t talk to him without thinking about making sure I didn’t say anything too personal with everyone listening in and feeling like I needed a “chaperone” to talk to my husband. When I finally called him when he was alone and told him we needed time alone talking especially because of this physical distance and time between us he brushed it off and was like “okay.” But he continued to only talk to me on speaker phone in front of the whole family. I again got him on the phone alone and repeated the conversation as before... I literally had to become very upset and repeat this conversation at least 4 or 5 times total before he finally complied and started talking to me privately more. This made me feel that he didn’t value my feelings or respect me at all the fact that he kept doing this and also didn’t seem to understand what he was doing was strange when I felt uncomfortable only being able to share a conversation with his mother present. One time on speaker phone his mother said to me something about having fun with my boyfriend while my husband’s out of town. I found this extremely rude and inappropriate... and no there was no boyfriend.

Because of the distance between us my husband could only afford to travel to see me once a month for a few days. When he would come to see me I would expect to have sex obviously... and no I wasn’t pressuring him and making it all about having a baby. The first 3 months he refused my advances. This hurt really badly, it felt like a huge eye opener to how he must really feel about me when he hasn’t seen me in 1 month and doesn’t want to be with me intimately. After the 3 month mark he promised to be done by he started having sex again when he was there for his monthly visit. Just once usually though.

Ever since that time away I’d felt like a part of our relationship had lessened or maybe even died. I feel like he showed how little he valued me by the way he handled the situation. It changed the way I saw him. But when he got back finally I kind of decided I no longer felt that I wanted children with him. The relationship just felt so different and I didn’t know if we would be a good example of a a relationship between a mother and a father for a child. I no longer trusted him to be a good example of a father. But it felt like he put his mother before his wife and I don’t think that’s biblical or moral. He went way beyond the time limit we had agreed on. I don’t think it would have been quite so bad had it been 1 or even 2 months past but 3x longer than planned? No. I was afraid to tell him I had reservations about having children now because he still talked about it. He still never initiated. But I started only “wanting sex” on the weeks I knew I had the least chance of getting pregnant.

The whole point of telling all of this is to figure out WHY he’s acting the way he is now. I’ve gotten to a point with him where I’m still not thinking I want children with him but I also can’t live without sex. I didn’t get married thinking I was vowing to live a life of celibacy. But he seems to be consistently turning down sex. This is his typical approach to sex: When I’m in the mood, he comments that he knows I’m in the mood but he’s not. He’ll apologize and usually say let’s plan to do it tomorrow around such and such time. So then the next day he typically will follow through if he says he will. What is that? Is that him trying to control me with sex? I’m always in the mood at night and he says he’s tired at night. I’ve made an agreement with myself that I will no longer take scheduled sex from him. He knows I don’t like that the only way we have it is planning in advance. This is the ONLY way we have it. And if I initiate I’m turned down. I like spontaneity otherwise after everything he’s put me through it’s a turn off. Furthermore I’m tired of being turned down. It has hurt in the past (notice i said in the past... in just the past few days I think the last few romantic feelings I’ve had for him have died) and I’ve told him that last year when he went home to help his mom close the store it almost completely destroyed our relationship and that I honestly don’t think the marriage could make it through something like that again. His only response was “I know”.

Another thing that has really been damaging to our sex life and I’m just starting to realize how screwed up it is... is that most days randomly during the day he’ll playfully touch me sexually but then if I get aroused he won’t follow through. Considering that he has gotten to the point where he always turns down sex when I want it and has to control when we have it on top of that... does it sound like he’s just being cruel and trying to be the one in control? He was cheated on by his first wife and I wonder if he’s punishing me in someway with everything that’s happened because of his bad experience with her. Maybe he’s afraid I’ll leave him and he’s trying to turn me down first... or trying to make me feel like no other man would want me so I won’t leave??? The bad thing is I’ve held out hope for our relationship for a long time now and tried to be the good Christian wife but I’m realizing that it’s almost like he’s trying to push me away. Maybe he wants me to leave him I’ve even thought??? But if that’s the case why did we just move across country to the school of my choice so he can pay my way through going back to school? He seems so invested literally yet he doesn’t want sex. He makes absolutely no sense to me. And on the surface I don’t see that he’s angry at me or resents me in any way. But I’m starting to wonder if all of these things are more passive aggressive or covert than I’d initially realized.

Im going back to school to get a degree in psychology and may eventually want to go into ministry. But if I’m going to be any good to help other people and to have my relationship with God right... I HAVE to make some changes in this dysfunctional relationship... I can’t have the way he’s acting derail all of my hard work and commitments. The other concern I have is that some days I really need both the emotional and physical aspects of sex and masturbation seems to be my only viable option if I’m going to have the healthy strong boundaries I need in place to be any good to help people. So just last night I made a list of new boundaries I’m setting for myself because I don’t think I realized just how badly what he was doing was affecting me until now, it’s affecting my boundary lines in unhealthy ways and bleeding over in general into letting others cross boundaries too in non sexual ways. It’s also not good for my self esteem. And I’m struggling with lustful thoughts about other men... I’m afraid my husband being perfectly happy without sex with me is going to cause me to stumble and cheat. But these are the boundaries I feel I need to put up... because he’s forcing me into this:

1) I will no longer let him taunt me by touching me during the day when I know it will not lead to anything. I will push him away, my body is my body and he can’t toy with it like that.
2) I’m no longer initiating sex even if I really need it. I will take care of it myself.
3) I will only accept spontaneous sex FROM HIM if it feels sincere.... and I don’t know how he will convince me of that. At this point it would take a lot of romance and foreplay.

I know this sounds unbiblical but I don’t know what else to do... I’ve tried talking to him several times in the past asking if I did something or if he’s not attracted anymore or if I’m doing something to make him feel uncomfortable. I honestly feel attractive and I know other men find me attractive... and that’s what makes me most angry about all of this.... I feel so on edge now that my husband and me are unbonded. I’ve had men flirt with me and I feel vulnerable to being broken down at a weak moment some days. I stay as far away from men as I can and try to stay as detached from all men that could possibly be a problem in the future. But it seems some can sense the vulnerability. My husband has put me in an impossible position.

Today all feelings I had for him that were romantic died. I feel like I’m living with a platonic roommate who has the rights to tell me when I can and can’t have sex. I held out hope for a long time that things would get better and he’d make me feel pursued again... but that’s just not in the cards. I know I can’t have children with a man that doesn’t make me feel pursued and loved. I can’t control what he does. So I guess I’ll live a life of celibacy.

What do you think - does it sound like he’s just being cruel in a covert way? And if he’s really got malicious intent why is he taking care of me so well financially and is helping me empower myself? What do you think of my boundaries? I feel handling it this way is the only option to take care of myself.
 
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Rescued One

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It sounds like you need to talk to a professional counselor. You shouldn't talk to a pastor about your sex life; that's why I said professional.
 
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KateforChrist

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Hi GodsChild,

I'm really sorry that you are in the situation that you are in. I was in a marriage where sex became very infrequent early in the marriage (after only about 2 years into 18 years) so I can understand part of what you are going through. You are very wise to not put yourself into a situation where you might be unfaithful.

After reading your post 2 things came to mind. The possibility that his first wife had an affair because sex became infrequent. And (as I think was the case with my husband) he may be suffering from depression.

I agree with Phoebe Ann about seeing a counsellor. My suggestion would be for it to be a female Christian counsellor. You might have to visit a few before you find a suitable one, so I would also suggest treating the first session as an investigation about whether you think it is the right person. If you poor out your heart and realise that it isn't the right person, you then have to go through it all again and it can be very draining. And of course pray about it too.
 
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Jeshu

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Things are very wrong the way you describe your marriage to be. If he denies you intimacy and his love/need for you then he is acting unfaithful to his marriage vows.

i think you need to find out your husbands motives before going any further. Proper marriage counselling might help you discover that.

Peace.
 
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KateforChrist

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Proper marriage counselling might help you discover that.

This might be a better place to start. It will give you some idea if your husband wants to work with you to make your marriage a success.
 
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Carl Emerson

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It sounds like you need to talk to a professional counselor. You shouldn't talk to a pastor about your sex life; that's why I said professional.

A 'professional' counselor unless spiritually gifted will likely give extreemly good wrong advice.
 
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createdtoworship

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First let me say if you read all of this God bless you. I’m sorry... it’s just so much to say.

My husband has been turning down sex for a while now. At first I thought maybe it was just because of performance anxiety or because of his hypothyroid issues affecting sex drive because he’s used both as excuses before. But it really started after when we had moved to another state 700 miles away from our hometown. What happened was that he ended up being miserable in the new job we moved out there for so wanted to quit. We had decided we wanted to stay in the area because we liked it there so he started looking for another job and I kept working at my job. At the same time he was looking his mother was getting ready to close their family store back in his hometown. We talked about it and even though I wasn’t crazy about it... I agreed to the idea of him quitting his job and temporarily going down to help her get the family store ready to close. It was worth doing it for just a few months because the money he’d be making was extremely good for just a short time. But he promised me it would be about 3 months and warned me he might have to go over that a little bit. He knew I wasn’t crazy about the idea of him leaving me up there alone... especially since I would be turning 35 that year and we’d been trying to have children. We both agreed we didn’t want to go back to hometown (I thought... but I have no idea any more what he’s thinking..he said he didn’t want to go back).

Anyway it was a tough year because my biological clock was ticking like crazy and it was really important to me that we keep trying. He’s never given me any reason to think he didn’t want kids... quite the opposite. It ended up being 9 months he was gone and I was not happy at all about it... because that was not the agreement but his mother kept dragging her feet on getting things done so that my husband could do what he needed to get done. He acted extremely frustrated that she was doing this... but honestly I don’t know what to think about his actions anymore. What made it so unbearable was that when he would call me which would be most days... he would always have me on speaker phone with his mother, brother, sister in law and the kids in the room. At first I didn’t think much of it but when I realized that every time he called this is the only way he talked to me it started to feel like I couldn’t talk to him without thinking about making sure I didn’t say anything too personal with everyone listening in and feeling like I needed a “chaperone” to talk to my husband. When I finally called him when he was alone and told him we needed time alone talking especially because of this physical distance and time between us he brushed it off and was like “okay.” But he continued to only talk to me on speaker phone in front of the whole family. I again got him on the phone alone and repeated the conversation as before... I literally had to become very upset and repeat this conversation at least 4 or 5 times total before he finally complied and started talking to me privately more. This made me feel that he didn’t value my feelings or respect me at all the fact that he kept doing this and also didn’t seem to understand what he was doing was strange when I felt uncomfortable only being able to share a conversation with his mother present. One time on speaker phone his mother said to me something about having fun with my boyfriend while my husband’s out of town. I found this extremely rude and inappropriate... and no there was no boyfriend.

Because of the distance between us my husband could only afford to travel to see me once a month for a few days. When he would come to see me I would expect to have sex obviously... and no I wasn’t pressuring him and making it all about having a baby. The first 3 months he refused my advances. This hurt really badly, it felt like a huge eye opener to how he must really feel about me when he hasn’t seen me in 1 month and doesn’t want to be with me intimately. After the 3 month mark he promised to be done by he started having sex again when he was there for his monthly visit. Just once usually though.

Ever since that time away I’d felt like a part of our relationship had lessened or maybe even died. I feel like he showed how little he valued me by the way he handled the situation. It changed the way I saw him. But when he got back finally I kind of decided I no longer felt that I wanted children with him. The relationship just felt so different and I didn’t know if we would be a good example of a a relationship between a mother and a father for a child. I no longer trusted him to be a good example of a father. But it felt like he put his mother before his wife and I don’t think that’s biblical or moral. He went way beyond the time limit we had agreed on. I don’t think it would have been quite so bad had it been 1 or even 2 months past but 3x longer than planned? No. I was afraid to tell him I had reservations about having children now because he still talked about it. He still never initiated. But I started only “wanting sex” on the weeks I knew I had the least chance of getting pregnant.

The whole point of telling all of this is to figure out WHY he’s acting the way he is now. I’ve gotten to a point with him where I’m still not thinking I want children with him but I also can’t live without sex. I didn’t get married thinking I was vowing to live a life of celibacy. But he seems to be consistently turning down sex. This is his typical approach to sex: When I’m in the mood, he comments that he knows I’m in the mood but he’s not. He’ll apologize and usually say let’s plan to do it tomorrow around such and such time. So then the next day he typically will follow through if he says he will. What is that? Is that him trying to control me with sex? I’m always in the mood at night and he says he’s tired at night. I’ve made an agreement with myself that I will no longer take scheduled sex from him. He knows I don’t like that the only way we have it is planning in advance. This is the ONLY way we have it. And if I initiate I’m turned down. I like spontaneity otherwise after everything he’s put me through it’s a turn off. Furthermore I’m tired of being turned down. It has hurt in the past (notice i said in the past... in just the past few days I think the last few romantic feelings I’ve had for him have died) and I’ve told him that last year when he went home to help his mom close the store it almost completely destroyed our relationship and that I honestly don’t think the marriage could make it through something like that again. His only response was “I know”.

Another thing that has really been damaging to our sex life and I’m just starting to realize how screwed up it is... is that most days randomly during the day he’ll playfully touch me sexually but then if I get aroused he won’t follow through. Considering that he has gotten to the point where he always turns down sex when I want it and has to control when we have it on top of that... does it sound like he’s just being cruel and trying to be the one in control? He was cheated on by his first wife and I wonder if he’s punishing me in someway with everything that’s happened because of his bad experience with her. Maybe he’s afraid I’ll leave him and he’s trying to turn me down first... or trying to make me feel like no other man would want me so I won’t leave??? The bad thing is I’ve held out hope for our relationship for a long time now and tried to be the good Christian wife but I’m realizing that it’s almost like he’s trying to push me away. Maybe he wants me to leave him I’ve even thought??? But if that’s the case why did we just move across country to the school of my choice so he can pay my way through going back to school? He seems so invested literally yet he doesn’t want sex. He makes absolutely no sense to me. And on the surface I don’t see that he’s angry at me or resents me in any way. But I’m starting to wonder if all of these things are more passive aggressive or covert than I’d initially realized.

Im going back to school to get a degree in psychology and may eventually want to go into ministry. But if I’m going to be any good to help other people and to have my relationship with God right... I HAVE to make some changes in this dysfunctional relationship... I can’t have the way he’s acting derail all of my hard work and commitments. The other concern I have is that some days I really need both the emotional and physical aspects of sex and masturbation seems to be my only viable option if I’m going to have the healthy strong boundaries I need in place to be any good to help people. So just last night I made a list of new boundaries I’m setting for myself because I don’t think I realized just how badly what he was doing was affecting me until now, it’s affecting my boundary lines in unhealthy ways and bleeding over in general into letting others cross boundaries too in non sexual ways. It’s also not good for my self esteem. And I’m struggling with lustful thoughts about other men... I’m afraid my husband being perfectly happy without sex with me is going to cause me to stumble and cheat. But these are the boundaries I feel I need to put up... because he’s forcing me into this:

1) I will no longer let him taunt me by touching me during the day when I know it will not lead to anything. I will push him away, my body is my body and he can’t toy with it like that.
2) I’m no longer initiating sex even if I really need it. I will take care of it myself.
3) I will only accept spontaneous sex FROM HIM if it feels sincere.... and I don’t know how he will convince me of that. At this point it would take a lot of romance and foreplay.

I know this sounds unbiblical but I don’t know what else to do... I’ve tried talking to him several times in the past asking if I did something or if he’s not attracted anymore or if I’m doing something to make him feel uncomfortable. I honestly feel attractive and I know other men find me attractive... and that’s what makes me most angry about all of this.... I feel so on edge now that my husband and me are unbonded. I’ve had men flirt with me and I feel vulnerable to being broken down at a weak moment some days. I stay as far away from men as I can and try to stay as detached from all men that could possibly be a problem in the future. But it seems some can sense the vulnerability. My husband has put me in an impossible position.

Today all feelings I had for him that were romantic died. I feel like I’m living with a platonic roommate who has the rights to tell me when I can and can’t have sex. I held out hope for a long time that things would get better and he’d make me feel pursued again... but that’s just not in the cards. I know I can’t have children with a man that doesn’t make me feel pursued and loved. I can’t control what he does. So I guess I’ll live a life of celibacy.

What do you think - does it sound like he’s just being cruel in a covert way? And if he’s really got malicious intent why is he taking care of me so well financially and is helping me empower myself? What do you think of my boundaries? I feel handling it this way is the only option to take care of myself.

I would look into why a husband would not want sex. Perhaps he is satisfied with something outside of marriage, like inappropriate content, or something else. also I was thinking about the scheduling thing, perhaps he is stressed due to work? That would make sense if he didn't feel right. But over stimulation via inappropriate contentography would be one reason for not being satisfied with marriage bed and also cause confidence issues. See if He is fantasizing over perfect women online repeatedly, then little old wifey will not longer do it for Him. I would ask some probing questions. Especially if He is gone major parts of the year, He has to have some kind of outlet that He is not mentioning.
 
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Rescued One

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A 'professional' counselor unless spiritually gifted will likely give extreemly good wrong advice.
There is no such thing as good wrong advice. And pastors can be extremely wrong.

Many professional counselors are Christians. Some of us can tell the difference. Many pastors don't have enough training and some just want to take inappropiate advantage of vulnerable women.

A Christan should know God's word.

Thy word have I hid in mine heart, that I might not sin against thee.
Psalm 119:11
 
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Rescued One

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I would look into why a husband would not want sex. Perhaps he is satisfied with something outside of marriage, like inappropriate content, or something else. also I was thinking about the scheduling thing, perhaps he is stressed due to work? That would make sense if he didn't feel right. But over stimulation via inappropriate contentography would be one reason for not being satisfied with marriage bed and also cause confidence issues. See if He is fantasizing over perfect women online repeatedly, then little old wifey will not longer do it for Him. I would ask some probing questions. Especially if He is gone major parts of the year, He has to have some kind of outlet that He is not mentioning.

How does a wife know if he's looking at inappropriate content? Men usually do that secretly.
 
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A Realist

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A 'professional' counselor unless spiritually gifted will likely give extreemly good wrong advice.
I wouldn't let any "spiritually gifted" pastor touch my sex life with a 100 foot pole.

A licensed professional counselor, who is experienced in these types of situations, is the way to go should counseling be desired.
 
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tall73

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My husband has been turning down sex for a while now. At first I thought maybe it was just because of performance anxiety or because of his hypothyroid issues affecting sex drive because he’s used both as excuses before.

When you say these are excuses, are you saying that he does not in fact have these conditions, or that you think he references them in a bad faith manner rather than tell you the actual reason?

Do you think these were ever valid reasons for refusing in the past?
 
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*LILAC

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How close is he with his mother and why would she put out "boyfriend" comments over the phone? There is obviously something deeper going on and you need to get to the bottom of it before bringing a baby into it.
 
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Carl Emerson

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There is no such thing as good wrong advice. And pastors can be extremely wrong.
Exactly - that is what I am meaning... spiritually gifted professionals are hard to find where I come from.

Personally I don't agree with insisting on 'professional' there are folk just gifted... period. These are often hidden away by Him so they don't get overloaded.
 
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tall73

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One time on speaker phone his mother said to me something about having fun with my boyfriend while my husband’s out of town. I found this extremely rude and inappropriate... and no there was no boyfriend.

Do you have any idea why she would say this?

What has your relationship with her been like?
 
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He still never initiated. But I started only “wanting sex” on the weeks I knew I had the least chance of getting pregnant.

Did he ever, at any point in your relationship, initiate?

The whole point of telling all of this is to figure out WHY he’s acting the way he is now. I’ve gotten to a point with him where I’m still not thinking I want children with him but I also can’t live without sex. I didn’t get married thinking I was vowing to live a life of celibacy. But he seems to be consistently turning down sex.

Rejection in such a fashion is painful. However, there are many reasons this could happen.

When you bring it up, what does he say?

This is his typical approach to sex: When I’m in the mood, he comments that he knows I’m in the mood but he’s not. He’ll apologize and usually say let’s plan to do it tomorrow around such and such time. So then the next day he typically will follow through if he says he will. What is that?

It appears he stated what he meant. He wasn't in the mood at that time, and then he indicated he could work up to it later. He then followed through later.

Is he generally stressed?



Is that him trying to control me with sex? I’m always in the mood at night and he says he’s tired at night. I’ve made an agreement with myself that I will no longer take scheduled sex from him. He knows I don’t like that the only way we have it is planning in advance. This is the ONLY way we have it. And if I initiate I’m turned down. I like spontaneity otherwise after everything he’s put me through it’s a turn off.
It is not unusual for people to be tired at the end of the day. And his sexual response might be lessened then.

Is he on medication for the hypothyroidism? Does he have low energy in general? Have you had his hormone levels checked?

If you refuse sex when you could get pregnant, and refuse sex that is planned, and you prefer sex at night, yet he does not prefer sex at night, does not prefer spontaneous, and apparently wants children--that sounds like it is going to not work out often.

At this point you seem to be thinking he is manipulating you. You indicate in earlier posts that you had an abusive emotional relationship before, and an abusive work situation, and possibly an abusive situation with your mother.

Did you ever work through those issues fully? Are you sure he is manipulating you, or is he just trying to care for you, and is struggling with this aspect?
 
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It has hurt in the past (notice i said in the past... in just the past few days I think the last few romantic feelings I’ve had for him have died)

As you are searching for a solution, please guard your heart regarding bitterness. Pray for your husband and it is harder to be bitter. Rejection hurts, especially in regards to something such as sex, because you see it as a rejection of your person. And in this case it sounds like you feel rejected by your husband so he could please his mother as well. Pray for her as well as you work through these issues.

I think there is some legitimate reason to be upset that he was gone for so long, without taking into account your wishes on the matter. However, your feelings for your husband can return. But you will have to resolve some of these issues and start spending time again (not just sex, time together).
 
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Another thing that has really been damaging to our sex life and I’m just starting to realize how screwed up it is... is that most days randomly during the day he’ll playfully touch me sexually but then if I get aroused he won’t follow through. Considering that he has gotten to the point where he always turns down sex when I want it and has to control when we have it on top of that... does it sound like he’s just being cruel and trying to be the one in control?

This is unusual. Have you asked him about it?

Another possibility is that he has low drive, is trying to get excited by touching you, and then he is not able to achieve an erection. This is in line with his earlier statements about performance anxiety.

Men often become aroused by seeing arousal in their partner. So this may be an attempt on his part to get himself in the mood, but then it fails.

It is important to talk this through. If this is the case then let him know that you can understand he is struggling with this, but cannot understand him getting you excited and then just leaving it at that.

Is he of the view that sex must include oppenness to life (IE penetration)? If so this may be why he does not want to continue, as this would be disordered in some theologies (Catholic for instance).

Or it could be he just doesn't get it. He may be able to help you out in some other way, if this is something that is theologically acceptable to you both. You referenced masturbation, so apparently it is acceptable to you.
 
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He was cheated on by his first wife and I wonder if he’s punishing me in someway with everything that’s happened because of his bad experience with her. Maybe he’s afraid I’ll leave him and he’s trying to turn me down first... or trying to make me feel like no other man would want me so I won’t leave???
I get trying to figure it out, but those are some pretty extreme theories. And I wonder if he has shown this type of manipulation in other areas, or are you perhaps reacting to your earlear experiences in other contexts?

The bad thing is I’ve held out hope for our relationship for a long time now and tried to be the good Christian wife but I’m realizing that it’s almost like he’s trying to push me away. Maybe he wants me to leave him I’ve even thought??? But if that’s the case why did we just move across country to the school of my choice so he can pay my way through going back to school? He seems so invested literally yet he doesn’t want sex. He makes absolutely no sense to me. And on the surface I don’t see that he’s angry at me or resents me in any way. But I’m starting to wonder if all of these things are more passive aggressive or covert than I’d initially realized.
If he doesn't seem upset with you, and still wants to support you, and even wants to have children with you (and there is a time frame here), then I don't think he is just trying to push you away. He is probably also frustrated and confused about everything.

However, have you told him you have tried to avoid having sex with him when you are fertile? I can understand not wanting to have children in this situation, but if you keep holding things back from him that might help him understand the situation, then you will just continue to become more bitter and both of you will continue hiding things.

Im going back to school to get a degree in psychology and may eventually want to go into ministry. But if I’m going to be any good to help other people and to have my relationship with God right... I HAVE to make some changes in this dysfunctional relationship...
Agreed, and if you do get counseling to work through this issue, also be sure to work through any prior abuse.


The other concern I have is that some days I really need both the emotional and physical aspects of sex and masturbation seems to be my only viable option if I’m going to have the healthy strong boundaries I need in place to be any good to help people. So just last night I made a list of new boundaries I’m setting for myself because I don’t think I realized just how badly what he was doing was affecting me until now, it’s affecting my boundary lines in unhealthy ways and bleeding over in general into letting others cross boundaries too in non sexual ways. It’s also not good for my self esteem. And I’m struggling with lustful thoughts about other men...

While it is hurtful to be rejected, and may cause you to want to not cooperate with having sex on his terms there are still some things to consider.

a. While sex with your husband is a legitimate outlet for your sexual drive, and I Corinthians 7 indicates that this is a help in resisting sexual immorality, yet sex with your husband will not necessarily resolve all thoughts of sex outside of marriage. You still have a sinful nature and it is your connection to Christ that helps resist the flesh. Thoughts of others feeds the flesh, rather than resolving the hurt and drive that you are feeling.

b. Even if it is not your preferred timing, if your husband prefers sex at a different time, why not try it? For instance, if his issue is hormonal (and if you haven't checked you should), then this fluctuates throughout the day. Most men sometime in the fairly early morning get an influx of testosterone, which can make drive and performance better at that time.

I’m afraid my husband being perfectly happy without sex with me is going to cause me to stumble and cheat. But these are the boundaries I feel I need to put up... because he’s forcing me into this:
All marriages go through cycles where sex wanes, whether through health issues, relationship issues, busy scheduling, distance, etc. There is never an excuse for cheating. You know this, and acknowledge it, but your husband cannot force you to cheat.

Obviously it is harder when you are not having regular sex. However, you also indicate that you are refusing sex at times, and it appears to be tied to thoughts of negative motives on the part of your husband, and bitterness.

1) I will no longer let him taunt me by touching me during the day when I know it will not lead to anything. I will push him away, my body is my body and he can’t toy with it like that.
Make sure that is what is actually happening.

2) I’m no longer initiating sex even if I really need it. I will take care of it myself.
3) I will only accept spontaneous sex FROM HIM if it feels sincere.... and I don’t know how he will convince me of that. At this point it would take a lot of romance and foreplay.
So you are now saying sex is off the table. Is this not a desire to reverse the roles, and make him initiate and you reject?

And what if he never does. This sounds great, but how much will it hurt when he just never talks about it?


I know this sounds unbiblical but I don’t know what else to do... I’ve tried talking to him several times in the past asking if I did something or if he’s not attracted anymore or if I’m doing something to make him feel uncomfortable. I honestly feel attractive and I know other men find me attractive... and that’s what makes me most angry about all of this.... I feel so on edge now that my husband and me are unbonded. I’ve had men flirt with me and I feel vulnerable to being broken down at a weak moment some days. I stay as far away from men as I can and try to stay as detached from all men that could possibly be a problem in the future. But it seems some can sense the vulnerability. My husband has put me in an impossible position.

Or your husband is struggling and needs help for both of your sakes.

Today all feelings I had for him that were romantic died. I feel like I’m living with a platonic roommate who has the rights to tell me when I can and can’t have sex. I held out hope for a long time that things would get better and he’d make me feel pursued again... but that’s just not in the cards. I know I can’t have children with a man that doesn’t make me feel pursued and loved. I can’t control what he does. So I guess I’ll live a life of celibacy.

What do you think - does it sound like he’s just being cruel in a covert way? And if he’s really got malicious intent why is he taking care of me so well financially and is helping me empower myself? What do you think of my boundaries? I feel handling it this way is the only option to take care of myself.

Have you talked through all the possible causes?
 
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tall73

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My husband has been turning down sex for a while now.

We can make guesses based on the situation. However, we cannot verify any of those guesses. You can only find out by speaking with your husband.

My guess right now is that he has erection difficulties, low drive, and possibly low energy overall. He probably needs medical help. As another poster mentioned he may be depressed.

He shows a willingness to have sex at times, but not to initiate, and wants planning. It may help to discuss how planning it out helps? Does he need some routine or thought pattern to get in the mood? Is he using some method to get in the mood that could be interfering overall (inappropriate content, etc.). Is he setting a schedule because he needs to (he is using some other method to get an erection such as a suction device, or pills? )

If he is using inappropriate content then that itself can lead to sexual dysfunction and lack of satisfaction with marital sex. But the question is whether he lacks drive, or is just diverting it. From what you have said he seems to acknowledge physical issues, and I would think starting there makes the most sense.

It might help to talk openly about possible causes. This is a checklist from previous such discussions here.

-Abuse
-Anxiety about sex
-Bad relationship in general, fighting, bullying, lack of communication, resentment, sex used as bargaining chip, etc.
- Child birth (late pregnancy, immediately after child birth, nursing, etc. can all play a role, fear of child birth)
-Dissatisfaction with particulars, lack of know-how or technique
-Drugs, prescription or otherwise
-Erection difficulty
-Guilt over previous sexual activity
-Hormone levels
-Ingrained teaching that sex is wrong or dirty
- Lack of attraction
- Lack of sleep
- Lack of nutrition
- Mental Health (depression, PTSD, Anxiety Disorder, etc.)
- Never had drive
- Obesity (impact on libido, also body image)
-Pain during sex
- Physical damage to mechanism
-Physical limitations (weight, disability, sickness)
- inappropriate contentography
-Premature [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]
-Pressure to do particular, unwanted activities
- Sexual or emotional attachments outside of marriage (cheating, or excessive masturbation, etc.)
-Stress (new children in home, busy work schedule, over-commitment in time)
-Religious convictions that sex is wrong or dirty
- Waiting to have sex until marriage and "turned off" drive


Because there are so many factors that can play a role, it is good to have a game plan as to how to get to the issue. As you discuss, check all that you think could apply.

If after going through the list the cause is not obvious then it may be best to prioritize. A trip to the doctor can rule out physical causes (damage, hormones, etc.), then you can start looking at other dynamics. And if it is related to health, waiting to address this will leave you spinning your wheels.

After that you can address more relational issues. Counseling can help with this.
 
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