Relationship Advice, Please?

Was this text Harsh / Demeaning / Critical? Rate 1-5 with 1=Bad Text, 5=Great Text

  • Yes

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • 1

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • 2

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • 4

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • 5

    Votes: 0 0.0%

  • Total voters
    2

iamchance

Active Member
Oct 22, 2019
70
56
Dallas
✟8,371.00
Country
United States
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Single
Study Topic: Spirit of Offense

You can find some good YouTube videos that cover this topic.
A recommended service by Pastor Steven Furtick is called "The Prison of Offense", it's 45 minutes long and a very good watch. There's also a shortened clip called "Putting Up Walls".

If you two decide to watch, let me know what you think.
There's a very strong message and visual provided in the video.

Full:

Shortened:
 
Last edited:
  • Like
Reactions: mkgal1
Upvote 0

mkgal1

His perfect way sets me free. 2 Samuel 22:33
Supporter
Jun 22, 2007
27,339
7,349
California
✟551,233.00
Faith
Anglican
Marital Status
Married
Hubby: Thanks. Our counselor suggested that we get a sampling of ten wives' responses. I am not in favor of "consensus" being our guide, as it will generally be skewed by sample size, biases, region, and so many other things, not to mention the fact that our American culture is a mess. Jesus is our straight measure, and we should both behave and forgive as He, as well as we can. I was surprised and felt completely ambushed by her answer to our counselor's question, "Can you give me an example of a recent conversation that felt demeaning/critical/harsh" with her response was the text at the beginning of this post. She had not mentioned this to me in the past and, in my mind, we had had a very nice month since the last session. I couldn't even think straight after she ambushed me like that. She had promised to never do that again, after it happened a while back, and it came out of no where again regarding such a tiny, off-the-cuff text. The really surprising part is that our counselor, who I like very much, agreed with her. I honestly don't have any idea what will set her off and I don't know that I can always sit down and plan every single word, text, email, facial expression, etc., look at it from every angle, get consensus, and ask my counselor, before I communicate with my wife. I am completely desperate for a way to speak with her on a daily basis without her losing it and/or waiting until we get to the counselor's office to accuse me of being harsh/critical/demeaning. I love my wife more than anything in the world. I just want some way to communicate that will not result in an argument, suspicion, a shut-down, or anything besides productive, kind, God-honoring communication. Thanks for your help and we very much desire your prayers.
This is just my opinion (a stranger off the internet - so it may not be worth *anything*) but I'm a sensitive person and try to remain unbiased - and I don't see your text (assuming husband will get the opportunity to read this) as overly critical or demeaning (especially since this has happened before).

Is this a blended family, by chance?

My husband and I have been married for over 30 years - and he still recognizes messes that I've made in the kitchen (no matter how hard I try to not do that) and it is a bit embarrassing when he points these things out (but he certainly should be able to do that). For instance.....the other day he only asked, "what is this trail across the floor?" <pointing to it with his foot> I'd carried a pot from the stove to the sink and dripped water from the outside of it (I guess that's what happened - I'm not entirely sure). I think it was the fact that I didn't even notice it that was embarrassing to me - but I know he wasn't being critical of me.....he just noticed something that I didn't. As I posted earlier - we have to be able to voice our opinions - especially when things are bothering us about things in a relationship (and in a household - things that affect everyone.....like food being left out to spoil).
 
Last edited:
Upvote 0

bèlla

❤️
Supporter
Jan 16, 2019
20,480
17,638
USA
✟933,160.00
Country
United States
Faith
Non-Denom
Marital Status
In Relationship
Greetings,

If the goal is improvement this is a poor way of communicating that. It would have been better to address the subject later on together and reach a consensus then speak with the children.

Beginning with a statement that can be viewed as negative or accusatory isn’t ideal. You’re a team and viewing your challenges from that vantage point is best.

Oversights happen. Grace is a must.

~Bella
 
Upvote 0

Hollis Gentry

Active Member
Oct 24, 2019
26
10
52
South
✟15,978.00
Country
United States
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Married
Greetings,

If the goal is improvement this is a poor way of communicating that. It would have been better to address the subject later on together and reach a consensus then speak with the children.

Beginning with a statement that can be viewed as negative or accusatory isn’t ideal. You’re a team and viewing your challenges from that vantage point is best.

Oversights happen. Grace is a must.

~Bella

Hubby: Thank you. We were challenged by our counselor to ask others their opinion (I completely disagreed but complied). This was the least public/least embarrassing way (asking strangers) versus asking our friends who would likely take sides or not want to get involved. Thanks for your advice and assistance.
 
Upvote 0

com7fy8

Well-Known Member
May 22, 2013
13,649
6,108
Massachusetts
✟583,329.00
Country
United States
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Single
I am completely desperate for a way to speak with her on a daily basis without her losing it and/or waiting until we get to the counselor's office to accuse me of being harsh/critical/demeaning. I love my wife more than anything in the world.
My offering to Hollis is . . . even if Hubby were to be on purpose doing something spiteful or mean > here is how we are told to relate, as God's children >

"with all lowliness and gentleness, with longsuffering, bearing with one another in love," (Ephesians 4:2)

This is a basic of how our Heavenly Father wants us to relate as His family. Every one of us can be wrong, at times, I trust. So, we all need to be ready with "longsuffering", so we can be there for even our good leaders and other mature Christians when even they can be mistaken or reacting the wrong way > and we can be there for them with the good example they need to help to restore them > Galatians 6:1.

My offering, Hollis, is if we have "longsuffering" ready, no one can have power over us to turn us nasty or have us losing it.

But, also, Hubby > if Wife-y is not ready with "longsuffering", but is losing it, you need to then take the lead in being prayerfully ready with "longsuffering" as a good example for her.

I think there are times when each of you can help the other to do better. So, I would encourage you to be more ready for however God has the other able to help you.
 
Upvote 0

Hollis Gentry

Active Member
Oct 24, 2019
26
10
52
South
✟15,978.00
Country
United States
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Married
Study Topic: Spirit of Offense

You can find some good YouTube videos that cover this topic.
A recommended service by Pastor Steven Furtick is called "The Prison of Offense", it's 45 minutes long and a very good watch. There's also a shortened clip called "Putting Up Walls".

If you two decide to watch, let me know what you think.
There's a very strong message and visual provided in the video.

Full:

Shortened:

Hubby: Ah, very nice. that you. we will watch these. Very practical and thoughtful advice.
 
Upvote 0

Hollis Gentry

Active Member
Oct 24, 2019
26
10
52
South
✟15,978.00
Country
United States
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Married
My offering to Hollis is . . . even if Hubby were to be on purpose doing something spiteful or mean > here is how we are told to relate, as God's children >

"with all lowliness and gentleness, with longsuffering, bearing with one another in love," (Ephesians 4:2)

This is a basic of how our Heavenly Father wants us to relate as His family. Every one of us can be wrong, at times, I trust. So, we all need to be ready with "longsuffering", so we can be there for even our good leaders and other mature Christians when even they can be mistaken or reacting the wrong way > and we can be there for them with the good example they need to help to restore them > Galatians 6:1.

My offering, Hollis, is if we have "longsuffering" ready, no one can have power over us to turn us nasty or have us losing it.

But, also, Hubby > if Wife-y is not ready with "longsuffering", but is losing it, you need to then take the lead in being prayerfully ready with "longsuffering" as a good example for her.

I think there are times when each of you can help the other to do better. So, I would encourage you to be more ready for however God has the other able to help you.

Hubby:

Yes, very true and Biblically sound. Thank you very much.
 
  • Prayers
Reactions: com7fy8
Upvote 0

Hollis Gentry

Active Member
Oct 24, 2019
26
10
52
South
✟15,978.00
Country
United States
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Married
This is just my opinion (a stranger off the internet - so it may not be worth *anything*) but I'm a sensitive person and try to remain unbiased - and I don't see your text (assuming husband will get the opportunity to read this) as overly critical or demeaning (especially since this has happened before).

Is this a blended family, by chance?

My husband and I have been married for over 30 years - and he still recognizes messes that I've made in the kitchen (no matter how hard I try to not do that) and it is a bit embarrassing when he points these things out (but he certainly should be able to do that). For instance.....the other day he only asked, "what is this trail across the floor?" <pointing to it with his foot> I'd carried a pot from the stove to the sink and dripped water from the outside of it (I guess that's what happened - I'm not entirely sure). I think it was the fact that I didn't even notice it that was embarrassing to me - but I know he wasn't being critical of me.....he just noticed something that I didn't. As I posted earlier - we have to be able to voice our opinions - especially when things are bothering us about things in a relationship (and in a household - things that affect everyone.....like food being left out to spoil).

Hubby: Thank you. This is valuable whether you are a stranger or someone familiar. You are a brother or sister.
 
  • Friendly
Reactions: mkgal1
Upvote 0

Hollis Gentry

Active Member
Oct 24, 2019
26
10
52
South
✟15,978.00
Country
United States
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Married
This is just my opinion (a stranger off the internet - so it may not be worth *anything*) but I'm a sensitive person and try to remain unbiased - and I don't see your text (assuming husband will get the opportunity to read this) as overly critical or demeaning (especially since this has happened before).

Is this a blended family, by chance?

My husband and I have been married for over 30 years - and he still recognizes messes that I've made in the kitchen (no matter how hard I try to not do that) and it is a bit embarrassing when he points these things out (but he certainly should be able to do that). For instance.....the other day he only asked, "what is this trail across the floor?" <pointing to it with his foot> I'd carried a pot from the stove to the sink and dripped water from the outside of it (I guess that's what happened - I'm not entirely sure). I think it was the fact that I didn't even notice it that was embarrassing to me - but I know he wasn't being critical of me.....he just noticed something that I didn't. As I posted earlier - we have to be able to voice our opinions - especially when things are bothering us about things in a relationship (and in a household - things that affect everyone.....like food being left out to spoil).

Hubby: We are not a blended family, though we foster and adopt. Two have been adopted and we still have two in the court system - waiting and praying. Not one person in our family has the same parents except for our Father.
 
  • Friendly
Reactions: mkgal1
Upvote 0

Hollis Gentry

Active Member
Oct 24, 2019
26
10
52
South
✟15,978.00
Country
United States
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Married
Greetings,

If the goal is improvement this is a poor way of communicating that. It would have been better to address the subject later on together and reach a consensus then speak with the children.

Beginning with a statement that can be viewed as negative or accusatory isn’t ideal. You’re a team and viewing your challenges from that vantage point is best.

Oversights happen. Grace is a must.

~Bella

Hubby: Thank you. Agreed. We were asked to get "consensus" by our marriage counselor. Thank you for helping with this.
 
  • Friendly
Reactions: bèlla
Upvote 0
This site stays free and accessible to all because of donations from people like you.
Consider making a one-time or monthly donation. We appreciate your support!
- Dan Doughty and Team Christian Forums

mkgal1

His perfect way sets me free. 2 Samuel 22:33
Supporter
Jun 22, 2007
27,339
7,349
California
✟551,233.00
Faith
Anglican
Marital Status
Married
Another key attribute of love is that it's understanding. A lot of us grew up with unhealthy patterns of communication. One that's common - that I actually grew up with - is that we aren't to complain (that was viewed as being "judgmental"; "unappreciative"; or "selfish"). That can really get in the way of a relationship. On one side of it - we never learn how to effectively communicate our negative feelings and on the other side of it - we also don't learn how to process other people's negative feelings either.

But sometimes it's the breaking points that can really shed some truth and healing on a marriage. This video is about a whole other topic - but I really believe it's always best to take care of things when they're small (as you two seem to be doing) rather than wait until they get to this point (but it's her honesty - and his willingness to take her seriously and try to understand her - that I wanted to point out):


.....so the point, I think, is that we can't really achieve genuine intimacy unless we are able to be completely honest (but the key is that the OTHER spouse doesn't defend and deflect, but instead, attempts to understand what's being communicated).
 
Last edited:
Upvote 0

Hollis Gentry

Active Member
Oct 24, 2019
26
10
52
South
✟15,978.00
Country
United States
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Married
Another key attribute of love is that it's understanding. A lot of us grew up with unhealthy patterns of communication. One that's common - that I actually grew up with - is that we aren't to complain (that was viewed as being "judgmental"; "unappreciative"; or "selfish"). That can really get in the way of a relationship. One one side of it - we never learn how to effectively communicate our negative feelings and on the other side of it - we also don't learn how to process other people's negative feelings either.

But sometimes it's the breaking points that can really shed some truth and healing on a marriage. This video is about a whole other topic - but I really believe it's always best to take care of things when they're small (as you two seem to be doing) rather than wait until they get to this point (but it's her honesty - and his willingness to take her seriously and try to understand her - that I wanted to point out):


.....so the point, I think, is that we can't really achieve genuine intimacy unless we are able to be completely honest (but the key is that the OTHER spouse doesn't defend and deflect, but instead, attempts to understand what's being communicated).

Hubby: Very good stuff. Thank you.
 
  • Friendly
Reactions: mkgal1
Upvote 0

SusaninBC

Active Member
Nov 6, 2019
38
65
55
British Columbia
Visit site
✟13,811.00
Country
Canada
Faith
Baptist
Marital Status
Divorced
Politics
CA-Conservatives
I think you should always communicate your feelings to your partner, after the fire has died down a bit and you can do so calmly. Tell her exactly what you said here, that you felt like her text was demeaning. Maybe tell her that you were busy with getting four kids and yourself ready to go out the door, and just didn't check on the state of the kitchen, but that you will have a talk with the kids in the future to remind them to clean up after themselves. Then take her a slice of chocolate cake on a plate and tell her you love her. Anger averted. :grinning: ("A gentle answer turns away wrath." Proverbs 15:1)
 
Upvote 0