I hate to say this but...

Neostarwcc · Nov 14, 2019

Im starting to regret marrying my wife... I've opened many threads on this before and I'm sorry for doing it yet again but this is getting out of hand. My wife promised to my therapist Monday that she would start helping me clean and actually doing stuff because me doing pretty much everything is sending my panic disorder through the roof. I've always had chronic anxiety problems since I was very little so I always have gotten chronic panic attacks and massive levels of anxiety. I probably inherited the problem from my mother who has the very same anxiety issues and my father does/did virtually nothing to help my mom either. My mom had to work, clean,take care of my sister and I and make sure we were doing our homework at school (let's face it what kid wants yo do homework? Lol), just everything except cook and clean. Dad always at least did that. My dad hasnt worked since I was like 10 years old. I'm almost 34 now... so yeah that's how lazy my dad is too. Not to mention he just drinks his life away and enjoyed physically and verbally abusing me for MANY years.

Anyway my wife Jeanette promised that she would help out around the house to my therapist like shes promised me for six years now that she would. She lied and I couldnt take it anymore so I abused her by exploding at her and throwing a million guilt bombs at her and... That just isn't a marriage. We are barely married. The only person who makes an effort in our marriage and in our lives in me. But if I didnt do that she would have done nothing for 30+ years.

Anyway after I guilt bombed her into starting to care she did some cleaning and I joined her shortly after (I had some stuff to do on a video game we play together this morning) like I promised and have been promising her since day one. At least I keep my promises. Anyway, I was going through our safe and noticed an extremely strong pungent odor coming from it. I didnt mention it at all because its typical of our house to smell and I've been used to it smelling for almost six years now and I had just potentially gotten my wife to care after 6 years of prodding and begging her so I didn't want to destroy that by yelling at her or asking her why my $200+ safe reeked so bad. But eventually the smell became overpowering and I noticed that there was rust on my hands. So I finallh asked Jeanette what the odor was and why the safe was rusting and she said that our dog had been urinating on our safe and the wall behind it. Apparently hes liked to mark that wall ever since we got him like four years ago and my wife hasnt cared enough to pick it up after shes noticed it because shes the one that takes care of our dog not me. Honestly? I've NEVER noticed it. I just noticed that our bedroom smelled really bad like the rest of our house but I couldn't identify what the smell was. I thought it was because we didnt clean our trailer in the almost six years we've lived here. She said it was because of mold I honestly didnt know. I was just embarrassed as hell to have ANYONE come over because our house reeks so bad.

Anyway I'm upset because the safe is now destroyed and it's going to cost me over $400 to replace it because a good waterproof deadbolt safe is $400 plus tax plus $15 for amazon prime. $400 that I don't have due to me spending virtually all of our money and us living off of my disability check. We're in pretty large debt atm. (but that's my fault. I figure I "make" the money and budget it and run the house the least she can do is cook and clean." Plus I needed a new video card and computer and my only option was to charge it.)

The safe didnt even last me six years! I picked it out with my wife when we were dating so it also had sentimental value to me. But seriously! our dog urinates everywhere else to mark his territory and to get back at us when we leave the house and she can pick THAT up so how can she not pick up urine that was slowly destroying a several hundred dollar safe that had irreplaceable documents in it from back when I was born! Not to mention our fuel money and a canadian $2 bill that I inherited from my favorite grandfather when he passed away back in like 2017! That was IRREPLACABLE to me.

She claims she didnt know that dog urine would have destroyed the safe. I guess I can believe that because for four years it more I didnt know this was going on. But honestly anyone who knows anything knows that urine is acidic and eats through virtually everything. Including things that are waterproof and fireproof. Tgs safe wasnt immune to everything! And now my dad has to probably replace the wall that the dog peed on! No clue what that's going to cost him.

I... just dont know what to do and am just asking for advice. Like one how do you get a dog to stop marking his territory in his "favorite" spots? How do you clean up a wall that's been peed on for several years or is that wall just destroyed now and... how can I get my wife to actually care about me and the people around her! I mean she not only destroyed a $30,000 trailer that my mom pretty much gave us but she also doesnt give a crap about me or MY possessions either! I dont believe in divorce but this crap almost wants me to divorce her before my anxiety ends up LITERALLY killing me (but ofc she desnt care about that either).

Idk... I just dont know....

Lost4words · Nov 14, 2019

How anyone cannot notice the smell of urine for 4 years is beyond me. Plus, didnt you use the safe regularly to notice it rusting? It doesnt rust overnight.

You dont take care of the dog?

Is there more to your side of the marriage that you are not telling us?

Have you stepped out of yourself and looked at how you are as a husband? How your wife sees you?

No disrespect my friend. Just curious.

com7fy8 · Nov 14, 2019

"Husbands, love your wives and do not be bitter toward them." (Colossians 3:15)

So, we can invest in God correcting us so we do not give in to any excuses to get bitter against our wives. God is able. And in His peace we discover His creativity for how to handle problems.

So, if you have not been doing this, Lost4words is right that we need to take a look at our own selves.

And do not let Satan scent mark your mind with his stuff >

"Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you." (Ephesians 4:31-32)

AllDayFaith · Nov 14, 2019

Sorry to hear that you are going through a hard time, just be comforted by the fact that God is refining you to pure gold. The only way to forge gold is through the fire, I'm going through the same thing now. We must keep our heads up and keep on trucking. If we keep our eyes on Heaven then nothing this world can throw at us will make a difference. The enemy cannot separate you from God, there is no condemnation for believers. Being afraid of condemnation is the root of fear, and once you are fearful you start to stress, and once you stress you start to experience sickness. I hope that I have helped a little bit. :prayer:

coffee4u · Nov 14, 2019

You had a bad life, anxiety issues and a father that drinks. That was bad and I am sorry you had that but now you have to put that aside. Stop using that as some kind of excuse. You are now an adult, who makes his own decisions, not a victim. You see yourself as a victim and you are including your wife into your victimhood. The fact the dog has peed on your safe the past four years without you noticing, the fact your bedroom reeks, is as much your fault as it is hers. Did you have an agreement that she would do the housework and you would go to work? Does your wife have a job outside the home? Do you? Have you thought that maybe your wife also has some issues going on? Is she depressed?

As a married man you are supposed to love your wife as Christ loved the church. Does she feel loved? Not, do you love her, but does she know and feel it? Women respond to feeling loved. A woman who feels unloved will start not to care. Certainly yelling at her won't help her feel loved. They say for every negative thing said to a person it takes 10 positive to balance it. Now I don't know how true that is, but it's a good thing to keep in mind.

Forgive my memory but are you the poster who said his wife had to forgive him? Because I asked questions on that thread that never got answered.

I'm not saying your wife doesn't have things that need to change, but you can't change her, you can only change yourself.

A Realist · Nov 15, 2019

It's so very simple......get rid of the dog and don't get another one.

But_First_Coffee · Nov 15, 2019

Well, is she lazy or is she depressed? Normally ignoring filth and not caring to keep a person's surroundings clean is a sign of depression.
Maybe have her look into that, get treated if need be.

Also this is going to be an unpopular opinion probably but... time to find the dog another home. That's just making an already bad situation worse.
My husband and I had to do it for the same reason. He found a dog he liked, he brought it home, didn't do research. We live in a tiny condo. The dog belonged outside, running free and expending energy bc it was a herding breed. It tore up hundreds of dollars of stuff and peed on things. Ultimately, it was sent to live on a farm. My husband misses having a dog, but we aren't sad for the dog...the dog is happy. And now I'm happy. We fought constantly over the dog's bad behavior.

As far as regretting getting married... I think we've all been there at times.
You shouldn't run from that, or hide it. You should get it out in the open and acknowledge it, then ask God to change your attitude.
But coming from the perspective of a woman with serious OCD tendencies...yes, something should be done about the wife's lack of caring about filth. If you can't get her to see how disgusting it is to live that way,
maybe you will just have to compromise.
You might have to step up and deep clean and then upkeep the home after that, but maybe you can find her "niche". If it's not housekeeping, maybe it can be the cooking or at least the effort of going and picking up meals for you guys every day. Maybe it can be the planning holidays, or the entertaining people who come over.

Also you can try rewarding her. I know it sounds silly... but my husband will go through times when he's down and out and not doing things I ask.
Then he finally does snap out of it and surprises me when I come home the bathroom has been deep cleaned or he ran the laundry... then I give him ample kisses and affection and tell him how much this makes me feel close to him.
Or I order him a pizza as a treat.
Something that he finds to be rewarding.
HOWEVER don't commit the marital crime of denying her affection as punishment. Give her affection, just give her MORE when she does something that delights you. Like scrubs pee out of the carpet. Or you can just buy her flowers and say “thanks cleaning all day these flowers are for you”

turkle · Nov 15, 2019

Part of responsible dog ownership is to train the dog on acceptable and unacceptable behaviors immediately. I got my dog when he was 3 months. I taught him where he is welcome to eliminate. He peed 3 times on the floor when he was learning, and never did it again. Dogs are really smart and will do what you teach them, but you have to teach them. A dog peeing in the house for 4 years means that he has not been taught. That is a priority.

The responsible home owner takes care of his/her home. It sounds like you have gotten used to live in filth and see it as normal and acceptable. As long as you and your wife think this way, nothing will change. However, if you want to live in a nice environment, I recommend that you both prioritize cleaning the house over video games. One produces nice results, the other is nothing but a distraction.

If your wife refuses to clean, then it's on you. If you're on disability, then you have lots of time. It all a matter of you prioritizing. You can't "make" your wife care about anything. But you can make necessary changes. And I hope that you will pay the cost of the drywall, not your father. As for the safe, what's done is done. It's ruined. You might have to store your treasures somewhere else while you save up for a replacement. Don't attach sentiment to stuff...it's never beneficial.

Lost4words · Nov 15, 2019

I always go outside to pee.

But_First_Coffee · Nov 15, 2019

Lost4words said:
I always go outside to pee.

Hazelelponi · Jul 12, 2020

Neostarwcc said:
Im starting to regret marrying my wife... I've opened many threads on this before and I'm sorry for doing it yet again but this is getting out of hand. My wife promised to my therapist Monday that she would start helping me clean and actually doing stuff because me doing pretty much everything is sending my panic disorder through the roof. I've always had chronic anxiety problems since I was very little so I always have gotten chronic panic attacks and massive levels of anxiety. I probably inherited the problem from my mother who has the very same anxiety issues and my father does/did virtually nothing to help my mom either. My mom had to work, clean,take care of my sister and I and make sure we were doing our homework at school (let's face it what kid wants yo do homework? Lol), just everything except cook and clean. Dad always at least did that. My dad hasnt worked since I was like 10 years old. I'm almost 34 now... so yeah that's how lazy my dad is too. Not to mention he just drinks his life away and enjoyed physically and verbally abusing me for MANY years.

Anyway my wife Jeanette promised that she would help out around the house to my therapist like shes promised me for six years now that she would. She lied and I couldnt take it anymore so I abused her by exploding at her and throwing a million guilt bombs at her and... That just isn't a marriage. We are barely married. The only person who makes an effort in our marriage and in our lives in me. But if I didnt do that she would have done nothing for 30+ years.

Anyway after I guilt bombed her into starting to care she did some cleaning and I joined her shortly after (I had some stuff to do on a video game we play together this morning) like I promised and have been promising her since day one. At least I keep my promises. Anyway, I was going through our safe and noticed an extremely strong pungent odor coming from it. I didnt mention it at all because its typical of our house to smell and I've been used to it smelling for almost six years now and I had just potentially gotten my wife to care after 6 years of prodding and begging her so I didn't want to destroy that by yelling at her or asking her why my $200+ safe reeked so bad. But eventually the smell became overpowering and I noticed that there was rust on my hands. So I finallh asked Jeanette what the odor was and why the safe was rusting and she said that our dog had been urinating on our safe and the wall behind it. Apparently hes liked to mark that wall ever since we got him like four years ago and my wife hasnt cared enough to pick it up after shes noticed it because shes the one that takes care of our dog not me. Honestly? I've NEVER noticed it. I just noticed that our bedroom smelled really bad like the rest of our house but I couldn't identify what the smell was. I thought it was because we didnt clean our trailer in the almost six years we've lived here. She said it was because of mold I honestly didnt know. I was just embarrassed as hell to have ANYONE come over because our house reeks so bad.

Anyway I'm upset because the safe is now destroyed and it's going to cost me over $400 to replace it because a good waterproof deadbolt safe is $400 plus tax plus $15 for amazon prime. $400 that I don't have due to me spending virtually all of our money and us living off of my disability check. We're in pretty large debt atm. (but that's my fault. I figure I "make" the money and budget it and run the house the least she can do is cook and clean." Plus I needed a new video card and computer and my only option was to charge it.)

The safe didnt even last me six years! I picked it out with my wife when we were dating so it also had sentimental value to me. But seriously! our dog urinates everywhere else to mark his territory and to get back at us when we leave the house and she can pick THAT up so how can she not pick up urine that was slowly destroying a several hundred dollar safe that had irreplaceable documents in it from back when I was born! Not to mention our fuel money and a canadian $2 bill that I inherited from my favorite grandfather when he passed away back in like 2017! That was IRREPLACABLE to me.

She claims she didnt know that dog urine would have destroyed the safe. I guess I can believe that because for four years it more I didnt know this was going on. But honestly anyone who knows anything knows that urine is acidic and eats through virtually everything. Including things that are waterproof and fireproof. Tgs safe wasnt immune to everything! And now my dad has to probably replace the wall that the dog peed on! No clue what that's going to cost him.

I... just dont know what to do and am just asking for advice. Like one how do you get a dog to stop marking his territory in his "favorite" spots? How do you clean up a wall that's been peed on for several years or is that wall just destroyed now and... how can I get my wife to actually care about me and the people around her! I mean she not only destroyed a $30,000 trailer that my mom pretty much gave us but she also doesnt give a crap about me or MY possessions either! I dont believe in divorce but this crap almost wants me to divorce her before my anxiety ends up LITERALLY killing me (but ofc she desnt care about that either).

Idk... I just dont know....

1.)Get rid of all your pets as your not responsible pet owners - period.

Urine marking behaviors stem from (1) not spaying or neutering your dog, or not doing so early enough in life. (2) anxiety (3) not being let out when they need to urinate (4) inadequate training, love, attention to the dogs needs.

Once the behavior has gone on for, as you say, at least 4 years, the damage has been done and your in a near impossible scenario where the dog is nearly untrainable at this point and without replacing the entire wall, carpet and flooring in that area your not getting the smell out which means the dog will continue urinating there at this point.

2.) Once your pets are gone call a professional company to clean up your home, professionally, top to bottom and every aspect of it. If you can't afford it call one of those reality shows and beg for help.

3.) Once your house is a real house again, then you can figure out your wife and yourself, and how to keep it that way, in the interim stop playing video games and goofing off online like children and start engaging in your very real life... being present in your own life, is the only way to fix it.

A_Thinker · Jul 12, 2020

Neostarwcc said:
Im starting to regret marrying my wife... I've opened many threads on this before and I'm sorry for doing it yet again but this is getting out of hand. My wife promised to my therapist Monday that she would start helping me clean and actually doing stuff because me doing pretty much everything is sending my panic disorder through the roof. I've always had chronic anxiety problems since I was very little so I always have gotten chronic panic attacks and massive levels of anxiety. I probably inherited the problem from my mother who has the very same anxiety issues and my father does/did virtually nothing to help my mom either. My mom had to work, clean,take care of my sister and I and make sure we were doing our homework at school (let's face it what kid wants yo do homework? Lol), just everything except cook and clean. Dad always at least did that. My dad hasnt worked since I was like 10 years old. I'm almost 34 now... so yeah that's how lazy my dad is too. Not to mention he just drinks his life away and enjoyed physically and verbally abusing me for MANY years.

Anyway my wife Jeanette promised that she would help out around the house to my therapist like shes promised me for six years now that she would. She lied and I couldnt take it anymore so I abused her by exploding at her and throwing a million guilt bombs at her and... That just isn't a marriage. We are barely married. The only person who makes an effort in our marriage and in our lives in me. But if I didnt do that she would have done nothing for 30+ years.

Anyway after I guilt bombed her into starting to care she did some cleaning and I joined her shortly after (I had some stuff to do on a video game we play together this morning) like I promised and have been promising her since day one. At least I keep my promises. Anyway, I was going through our safe and noticed an extremely strong pungent odor coming from it. I didnt mention it at all because its typical of our house to smell and I've been used to it smelling for almost six years now and I had just potentially gotten my wife to care after 6 years of prodding and begging her so I didn't want to destroy that by yelling at her or asking her why my $200+ safe reeked so bad. But eventually the smell became overpowering and I noticed that there was rust on my hands. So I finallh asked Jeanette what the odor was and why the safe was rusting and she said that our dog had been urinating on our safe and the wall behind it. Apparently hes liked to mark that wall ever since we got him like four years ago and my wife hasnt cared enough to pick it up after shes noticed it because shes the one that takes care of our dog not me. Honestly? I've NEVER noticed it. I just noticed that our bedroom smelled really bad like the rest of our house but I couldn't identify what the smell was. I thought it was because we didnt clean our trailer in the almost six years we've lived here. She said it was because of mold I honestly didnt know. I was just embarrassed as hell to have ANYONE come over because our house reeks so bad.

Anyway I'm upset because the safe is now destroyed and it's going to cost me over $400 to replace it because a good waterproof deadbolt safe is $400 plus tax plus $15 for amazon prime. $400 that I don't have due to me spending virtually all of our money and us living off of my disability check. We're in pretty large debt atm. (but that's my fault. I figure I "make" the money and budget it and run the house the least she can do is cook and clean." Plus I needed a new video card and computer and my only option was to charge it.)

The safe didnt even last me six years! I picked it out with my wife when we were dating so it also had sentimental value to me. But seriously! our dog urinates everywhere else to mark his territory and to get back at us when we leave the house and she can pick THAT up so how can she not pick up urine that was slowly destroying a several hundred dollar safe that had irreplaceable documents in it from back when I was born! Not to mention our fuel money and a canadian $2 bill that I inherited from my favorite grandfather when he passed away back in like 2017! That was IRREPLACABLE to me.

She claims she didnt know that dog urine would have destroyed the safe. I guess I can believe that because for four years it more I didnt know this was going on. But honestly anyone who knows anything knows that urine is acidic and eats through virtually everything. Including things that are waterproof and fireproof. Tgs safe wasnt immune to everything! And now my dad has to probably replace the wall that the dog peed on! No clue what that's going to cost him.

I... just dont know what to do and am just asking for advice. Like one how do you get a dog to stop marking his territory in his "favorite" spots? How do you clean up a wall that's been peed on for several years or is that wall just destroyed now and... how can I get my wife to actually care about me and the people around her! I mean she not only destroyed a $30,000 trailer that my mom pretty much gave us but she also doesnt give a crap about me or MY possessions either! I dont believe in divorce but this crap almost wants me to divorce her before my anxiety ends up LITERALLY killing me (but ofc she desnt care about that either).

Idk... I just dont know....

One way to reduce your anxiety ... is to simplify/order your life.

Try working on your issues ... one at a time.

The dog seems to be the most pressing problem right now (though it is really just a symptom of deeper problems, I'm afraid).

What does your therapist say about the dog ?

Is it fulfilling some particular need ?

You may need to lose the dog.

Neostarwcc · Jul 12, 2020

Paige223 said:
staff edit - spammer

Thanks for the advice! Honestly I think it would be too late to train our dog now. He was our first dog that we trained and he's just been stubborn in training from the first day we got him. We're lucky that we even trained him to use the bathroom outside. He is trained to go outside but he likes to mark everywhere in the house because my dad thought that putting oak throughout our Trailer was a good idea. Even my moms dog who was the best trained dog ever marked in the house because of the oak dad put in. It's one reason why my parents said no more dogs ever. But I'll check it out! Thanks for the recommendation.

Neostarwcc · Jul 12, 2020

Hazelelponi said:
1.)Get rid of all your pets as your not responsible pet owners - period.

Urine marking behaviors stem from (1) not spaying or neutering your dog, or not doing so early enough in life. (2) anxiety (3) not being let out when they need to urinate (4) inadequate training, love, attention to the dogs needs.

Once the behavior has gone on for, as you say, at least 4 years, the damage has been done and your in a near impossible scenario where the dog is nearly untrainable at this point and without replacing the entire wall, carpet and flooring in that area your not getting the smell out which means the dog will continue urinating there at this point.

2.) Once your pets are gone call a professional company to clean up your home, professionally, top to bottom and every aspect of it. If you can't afford it call one of those reality shows and beg for help.

3.) Once your house is a real house again, then you can figure out your wife and yourself, and how to keep it that way, in the interim stop playing video games and goofing off online like children and start engaging in your very real life... being present in your own life, is the only way to fix it.

Yup we know and figured that it was too late and have been putting up with his bad habbits. It's not that we don't pay attention to our dog, we do constantly throughout the day because we have nothing else better to do but you're probably right that it's because he's anxious and we haven't spayed him. But we haven't really had a reason to spay him he's chained outside when we take him outside to pee and otherwise he's mostly an indoor dog. There aren't very many female dogs out in the woods that we live in either so there really wasn't any need to spay him. I'd rather not get rid of the dog because nobody would want him and the pound would just kill him anyway. I'd rather not see my dog die and he's really a good affectionate dog otherwise and he definitely makes a great guard dog because he likes virtually nobody but us. My mom's dog was the same way too (Vicious against other people, didn't like anyone but the family and nobody wanted him when my parents tried to get rid of him so we didn't want him to be put to sleep.)

Neostarwcc · Jul 12, 2020

A_Thinker said:
One way to reduce your anxiety ... is to simplify/order your life.

Try working on your issues ... one at a time.

The dog seems to be the most pressing problem right now (though it is really just a symptom of deeper problems, I'm afraid).

What does your therapist say about the dog ?

Is it fulfilling some particular need ?

You may need to lose the dog.

Well, he fulfills the purpose of guard dog right now and he's company when my wife and I have nothing else to do (which is virtually all the time). He really is an affectionate dog who loves us he just doesn't like us leaving the house. Like at all. Or when we want to be intimate together he doesn't like that either because I usually leave him alone because technically, I want privacy. When a couple is intimate together it's for us to be together, you wouldn't be intimate infront of children or anything else so why would you a dog?

We've talked about the dog to our therapist before. She said along the lines that Hazelponi did that it's probably too late to train him to do anything else and it sounds like he just has anxiety problems from being separated from his mother. That's probably why he doesn't like us leaving the house or being together or anything else because it's time that he's "alone" and he doesn't like to be alone.

A month before I made this topic my wife went to Ohio for a week and a half or so to be with her family. The dog wouldn't eat, or do drink or do anything. He wouldn't even ask me for him to go outside I had to guess every 2-3 hours that he needed to pee. I eventually got him to eat but giving him some Macaroni and Cheese (I put it on the bottom of his dog food so that he had to eat the dog food first because he could get to the macaroni.) I just... feel so damn sorry for his anxiety issues but they're entirely based on his separation anxiety. He definitely doesn't like being apart from us.

I've been thinking since November though when I opened this thread. I really should just be happy with what I have and what God has given to me. He's given me a wife and a dog my family. I should love and appreciate my family for what they are. Because honestly? Laying down the "law" and being a "man" is getting old and tiring. And I have to get angry for anything to get done and I just plain hate doing that. TBCH, I'd rather live in a hog hole than have to get angry and yell for anybody to respect me around here. My personal anxiety has gotten better since November when I just plain tried to accept that this is the way I'm going to have to live for the rest of my life. After all, God chose us to be together so... I kinda have to put up with her. Unless I want to be a controlling jerk.

A_Thinker · Jul 12, 2020

Next time ... get a female dog ... and get her spayed ...

I hate to say this but...

We are saved purely by the work and grace of God.

Jesus I Trust In You

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Living in Reality

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Blessed

Jesus I Trust In You

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:sighing:

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We are saved purely by the work and grace of God.

We are saved purely by the work and grace of God.

We are saved purely by the work and grace of God.

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