Unsure what to do

Christina Cobb · Nov 13, 2019

Hello I am a 40 year old woman who is severely in love with my 35 year old husband. We have been through alot of things and alot of them we inflicted on each other. We have come to a better understanding in our relationship but there is something he cannot let go. He believes I was physically unfaithful to him weeks before our wedding. Emotionally yes I was and have explained this 100s of times. He's wanting conversation between me and the other party. I regretfully cannot remember the whole conversation and I can't stand it. I wish I had recorded the conversations so we could put an end to this. We were married In May of 2013. I was already done conversating with this person because I wanted to marry my husband and be with him the rest of my life. The last time I talked with this person was April of that year. Like the begining of the month I believe. I have not always been an honest person but this I'm being honest about. I have unfortunately gave in to temptation that it would be better to just say I had intercourse with this person because I didn't see an end to the argument except to admit guilt. I have since went back and forth about I did and didn't sleep with this person. But I have come to an understanding that the truth is best. He will not except the truth and because its been so long since it happend. He sees my forgetfulness and an indication of how I feel about him. Like if he was important to me and I was telling the truth then I would remember what he wants answers to. I don't know what to do I have prayed and prayed about this but he keeps bringing it up. It has caused both of us so much heart ache I wish I had time machine to undo everything I've done. I am stupid because I was actually proud of myself for not physically cheating when I could have. I know that's prideful but I haven't always been the most selfless person and my self control has lacked quite a bit my whole life. Can someone please help me? I just want him to be in love with me as I am with him.

mkgal1 · Nov 13, 2019

Hi Christina. Welcome to the forums. I'm sorry you're going through this, it really sounds as if your husband is repeatedly implying that he can't trust you for something that happened prior to you two getting married......right? That's so unfair, in my opinion. You can't go back and undo the past. I can't imagine six years of that (assuming he brought this up early on in your marriage). Unfortunately - if he's holding this over your head - and withholding genuine love from you because of it - that's his (wrong, IMO) decision. That's emotional blackmail - the way I see it.

Sabertooth · Nov 13, 2019

Hello & welcome @Christina Cobb .

Do you have a church that you attend together? This sounds like a good topic for pastoral counseling.

Silverback · Nov 13, 2019

Christina Cobb said:
Hello I am a 40 year old woman who is severely in love with my 35 year old husband. We have been through alot of things and alot of them we inflicted on each other. We have come to a better understanding in our relationship but there is something he cannot let go. He believes I was physically unfaithful to him weeks before our wedding. Emotionally yes I was and have explained this 100s of times. He's wanting conversation between me and the other party. I regretfully cannot remember the whole conversation and I can't stand it. I wish I had recorded the conversations so we could put an end to this. We were married In May of 2013. I was already done conversating with this person because I wanted to marry my husband and be with him the rest of my life. The last time I talked with this person was April of that year. Like the begining of the month I believe. I have not always been an honest person but this I'm being honest about. I have unfortunately gave in to temptation that it would be better to just say I had intercourse with this person because I didn't see an end to the argument except to admit guilt. I have since went back and forth about I did and didn't sleep with this person. But I have come to an understanding that the truth is best. He will not except the truth and because its been so long since it happend. He sees my forgetfulness and an indication of how I feel about him. Like if he was important to me and I was telling the truth then I would remember what he wants answers to. I don't know what to do I have prayed and prayed about this but he keeps bringing it up. It has caused both of us so much heart ache I wish I had time machine to undo everything I've done. I am stupid because I was actually proud of myself for not physically cheating when I could have. I know that's prideful but I haven't always been the most selfless person and my self control has lacked quite a bit my whole life. Can someone please help me? I just want him to be in love with me as I am with him.

There is no magic answer, you admitting to sleeping with this other person (even if you did not) will probably always haunt your relationship to one degree, or, another.

If he thinks you did, and you say you did, convincing him otherwise will be difficult.

I will pray for you.

joshua 1 9 · Nov 13, 2019

Christina Cobb said:
Can someone please help me?

Help you to hold your tongue? "Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize of God’s heavenly calling in Christ Jesus" (Philp3:14) We need to take a swim in the river of life so that the old memories are washed away and forgotten.

~Anastasia~ · Nov 13, 2019

Prayers for you and welcome to CF.

It does sound like you two might benefit from counseling. If you're going to go to a pastor, I would suggest talking to him on your own first. It is unfortunate but some pastors are too tied into roles of husband vs wife, and that's not what's going on with you two (sounds like). So it's best to not end up borrowing trouble in case you happen to encounter a pastor like that.

But really, you two need to talk about trust issues and how you relate to each other now. Forgiveness is part of that, but it's too bad he believes you were unfaithful if you weren't. You will likely need help that he can accept in order to work through this well.

Aussie Pete · Nov 13, 2019

Christina Cobb said:
Hello I am a 40 year old woman who is severely in love with my 35 year old husband. We have been through alot of things and alot of them we inflicted on each other. We have come to a better understanding in our relationship but there is something he cannot let go. He believes I was physically unfaithful to him weeks before our wedding. Emotionally yes I was and have explained this 100s of times. He's wanting conversation between me and the other party. I regretfully cannot remember the whole conversation and I can't stand it. I wish I had recorded the conversations so we could put an end to this. We were married In May of 2013. I was already done conversating with this person because I wanted to marry my husband and be with him the rest of my life. The last time I talked with this person was April of that year. Like the begining of the month I believe. I have not always been an honest person but this I'm being honest about. I have unfortunately gave in to temptation that it would be better to just say I had intercourse with this person because I didn't see an end to the argument except to admit guilt. I have since went back and forth about I did and didn't sleep with this person. But I have come to an understanding that the truth is best. He will not except the truth and because its been so long since it happend. He sees my forgetfulness and an indication of how I feel about him. Like if he was important to me and I was telling the truth then I would remember what he wants answers to. I don't know what to do I have prayed and prayed about this but he keeps bringing it up. It has caused both of us so much heart ache I wish I had time machine to undo everything I've done. I am stupid because I was actually proud of myself for not physically cheating when I could have. I know that's prideful but I haven't always been the most selfless person and my self control has lacked quite a bit my whole life. Can someone please help me? I just want him to be in love with me as I am with him.

If your husband is a Christian, he should know that he has to forgive you. That is not so easy. Perhaps it would help if you both read the following article. Oh, and when God forgives, He forgets. So must we, in the sense of never raising the issue again.

Can you forgive from your heart? - Christian Life Frankston

If your husband is not a Christian, that is a different problem. Let us know and we will see what we can say that will help.

Daniel Marsh · Nov 13, 2019

Christina Cobb said:
Hello I am a 40 year old woman who is severely in love with my 35 year old husband. We have been through alot of things and alot of them we inflicted on each other. We have come to a better understanding in our relationship but there is something he cannot let go. He believes I was physically unfaithful to him weeks before our wedding. Emotionally yes I was and have explained this 100s of times. He's wanting conversation between me and the other party. I regretfully cannot remember the whole conversation and I can't stand it. I wish I had recorded the conversations so we could put an end to this. We were married In May of 2013. I was already done conversating with this person because I wanted to marry my husband and be with him the rest of my life. The last time I talked with this person was April of that year. Like the begining of the month I believe. I have not always been an honest person but this I'm being honest about. I have unfortunately gave in to temptation that it would be better to just say I had intercourse with this person because I didn't see an end to the argument except to admit guilt. I have since went back and forth about I did and didn't sleep with this person. But I have come to an understanding that the truth is best. He will not except the truth and because its been so long since it happend. He sees my forgetfulness and an indication of how I feel about him. Like if he was important to me and I was telling the truth then I would remember what he wants answers to. I don't know what to do I have prayed and prayed about this but he keeps bringing it up. It has caused both of us so much heart ache I wish I had time machine to undo everything I've done. I am stupid because I was actually proud of myself for not physically cheating when I could have. I know that's prideful but I haven't always been the most selfless person and my self control has lacked quite a bit my whole life. Can someone please help me? I just want him to be in love with me as I am with him.

Simply ask him to forgive you and live at peace with yourself.

Give him the other person's name and let him hunt him down to talk to him.

Stop losing sleep.

pray for wisdom.

eleos1954 · Nov 13, 2019

Christina Cobb said:
Hello I am a 40 year old woman who is severely in love with my 35 year old husband. We have been through alot of things and alot of them we inflicted on each other. We have come to a better understanding in our relationship but there is something he cannot let go. He believes I was physically unfaithful to him weeks before our wedding. Emotionally yes I was and have explained this 100s of times. He's wanting conversation between me and the other party. I regretfully cannot remember the whole conversation and I can't stand it. I wish I had recorded the conversations so we could put an end to this. We were married In May of 2013. I was already done conversating with this person because I wanted to marry my husband and be with him the rest of my life. The last time I talked with this person was April of that year. Like the begining of the month I believe. I have not always been an honest person but this I'm being honest about. I have unfortunately gave in to temptation that it would be better to just say I had intercourse with this person because I didn't see an end to the argument except to admit guilt. I have since went back and forth about I did and didn't sleep with this person. But I have come to an understanding that the truth is best. He will not except the truth and because its been so long since it happend. He sees my forgetfulness and an indication of how I feel about him. Like if he was important to me and I was telling the truth then I would remember what he wants answers to. I don't know what to do I have prayed and prayed about this but he keeps bringing it up. It has caused both of us so much heart ache I wish I had time machine to undo everything I've done. I am stupid because I was actually proud of myself for not physically cheating when I could have. I know that's prideful but I haven't always been the most selfless person and my self control has lacked quite a bit my whole life. Can someone please help me? I just want him to be in love with me as I am with him.

well ... you lied ... so he don't trust you

the only repair for a lie is to tell the truth ... if it is the truth the story won't change ... that's why really he don't know what to believe ... you kept changing the story.

so ... all you can do is .... tell him the honest truth according to what you remember ... and then ask for his forgiveness for lying .... then .... tell him you will not discuss the matter anymore ... what else can you do if in fact you have told him the complete truthful story? If he don't believe it .... what can you do about it? Nothing.

He wants this "guy" to verify or debunk your story .... after all these years? What will he remember .... what will be his story? What an awkward conversation that would be.

When a trust gets broken it can take a very long time to get repaired .... something you will have to deal with (what your lies caused) ... something he will have to deal with (not knowing) if you are truthful.

From here on out ... NO lies ... if he brings it up ... your answer (nicely) ... I told you all I know about the matter, apologized for lying to both you and the Lord and it is useless to discuss the matter anymore, will you please forgive me (or you did forgive me) and please do not bring this matter up anymore ... I have told you everything ... there is nothing more to tell.

If you haven't you need to ask for forgiveness from the Lord because you sinned against Him as well.

I have no doubt the Lord will .... over time ... in His time ... repair your hearts.

You have to let it go and so does he .... both of you need to give it to the Lord and don't take it back.

Praying the Lord will bring the strength of forgiveness between Him, you and your husband and may you and your husband begin anew. Amen

Job3315 · Nov 14, 2019

Christina Cobb said:
Hello I am a 40 year old woman who is severely in love with my 35 year old husband. We have been through alot of things and alot of them we inflicted on each other. We have come to a better understanding in our relationship but there is something he cannot let go. He believes I was physically unfaithful to him weeks before our wedding. Emotionally yes I was and have explained this 100s of times. He's wanting conversation between me and the other party. I regretfully cannot remember the whole conversation and I can't stand it. I wish I had recorded the conversations so we could put an end to this. We were married In May of 2013. I was already done conversating with this person because I wanted to marry my husband and be with him the rest of my life. The last time I talked with this person was April of that year. Like the begining of the month I believe. I have not always been an honest person but this I'm being honest about. I have unfortunately gave in to temptation that it would be better to just say I had intercourse with this person because I didn't see an end to the argument except to admit guilt. I have since went back and forth about I did and didn't sleep with this person. But I have come to an understanding that the truth is best. He will not except the truth and because its been so long since it happend. He sees my forgetfulness and an indication of how I feel about him. Like if he was important to me and I was telling the truth then I would remember what he wants answers to. I don't know what to do I have prayed and prayed about this but he keeps bringing it up. It has caused both of us so much heart ache I wish I had time machine to undo everything I've done. I am stupid because I was actually proud of myself for not physically cheating when I could have. I know that's prideful but I haven't always been the most selfless person and my self control has lacked quite a bit my whole life. Can someone please help me? I just want him to be in love with me as I am with him.

Pray to God to give him a dream bringing him peace about the situation.

Lady O · Nov 14, 2019

Christina Cobb said:
Hello I am a 40 year old woman who is severely in love with my 35 year old husband. We have been through alot of things and alot of them we inflicted on each other. We have come to a better understanding in our relationship but there is something he cannot let go. He believes I was physically unfaithful to him weeks before our wedding. Emotionally yes I was and have explained this 100s of times. He's wanting conversation between me and the other party. I regretfully cannot remember the whole conversation and I can't stand it. I wish I had recorded the conversations so we could put an end to this. We were married In May of 2013. I was already done conversating with this person because I wanted to marry my husband and be with him the rest of my life. The last time I talked with this person was April of that year. Like the begining of the month I believe. I have not always been an honest person but this I'm being honest about. I have unfortunately gave in to temptation that it would be better to just say I had intercourse with this person because I didn't see an end to the argument except to admit guilt. I have since went back and forth about I did and didn't sleep with this person. But I have come to an understanding that the truth is best. He will not except the truth and because its been so long since it happend. He sees my forgetfulness and an indication of how I feel about him. Like if he was important to me and I was telling the truth then I would remember what he wants answers to. I don't know what to do I have prayed and prayed about this but he keeps bringing it up. It has caused both of us so much heart ache I wish I had time machine to undo everything I've done. I am stupid because I was actually proud of myself for not physically cheating when I could have. I know that's prideful but I haven't always been the most selfless person and my self control has lacked quite a bit my whole life. Can someone please help me? I just want him to be in love with me as I am with him.

".....He will not accept the truth"
It almost sounds to me that he is pushing for you to say something that will prove he is right and you are wrong - something that will fuel the fact that he thinks he is certain you did more than you say you did.

I think the ball is in his court. If he wants to cling to falsehoods as a means to hoard this over you, then he has lost sight of what growing in grace is all about. Love says to hold no record of wrong after it has been confessed and repented of, regardless of what the offense was.

I am sorry he chooses to hold on to the past and allow it to rob his valuable time.

I will be praying for him too.

Deade · Nov 16, 2019

Hello Christina,
welcome to CF.

I hope you'll enjoy your stay here.

Daniel Marsh · Nov 17, 2019

pray God give him discernment to accept the truth.
Asking for forgiveness puts the burden on him.

It may be time to see a Christian Marriage Counselor.

solid_core · Nov 17, 2019

Say the truth and repeat the truth over and over and over. And assure him over and over and over that he is the only man for you.

Thats the best thing you can do. Time can heal it.

NeverL0ved · Nov 18, 2019

Christina Cobb said:
Hello I am a 40 year old woman who is severely in love with my 35 year old husband. We have been through alot of things and alot of them we inflicted on each other. We have come to a better understanding in our relationship but there is something he cannot let go. He believes I was physically unfaithful to him weeks before our wedding. Emotionally yes I was and have explained this 100s of times. He's wanting conversation between me and the other party. I regretfully cannot remember the whole conversation and I can't stand it. I wish I had recorded the conversations so we could put an end to this. We were married In May of 2013. I was already done conversating with this person because I wanted to marry my husband and be with him the rest of my life. The last time I talked with this person was April of that year. Like the begining of the month I believe. I have not always been an honest person but this I'm being honest about. I have unfortunately gave in to temptation that it would be better to just say I had intercourse with this person because I didn't see an end to the argument except to admit guilt. I have since went back and forth about I did and didn't sleep with this person. But I have come to an understanding that the truth is best. He will not except the truth and because its been so long since it happend. He sees my forgetfulness and an indication of how I feel about him. Like if he was important to me and I was telling the truth then I would remember what he wants answers to. I don't know what to do I have prayed and prayed about this but he keeps bringing it up. It has caused both of us so much heart ache I wish I had time machine to undo everything I've done. I am stupid because I was actually proud of myself for not physically cheating when I could have. I know that's prideful but I haven't always been the most selfless person and my self control has lacked quite a bit my whole life. Can someone please help me? I just want him to be in love with me as I am with him.

Doesn't it say in the New Testament that love does not hold a record of wrongs?

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