- May 28, 2019
- 23
- 18
- Country
- United States
- Faith
- Christian
- Marital Status
- Celibate
So, I think I screwed up:
A few nights ago I pulled up some worship music videos on my phone to listen to as I fell asleep, and a sudden bombardment of perverted and evil thoughts began to flow through my mind. I looked at my phone to try to watch the video for a bit and kind of block out the "chatter" and one of the performers was dancing around passionately and for whatever reason I said, "She has the kundalini spirit" and then felt like immediate conviction and regret and began to repent.
Of course, one is not supposed to call what is clean, unclean (such as claiming that performers filled in the Holy Spirit are actually filled with the kundalini spirit). I don't even know why I said it, because I didn't even care enough about the person to have any conviction in what I said. And the irony is, if I'd been listening to secular music (which I normally would be), I likely would have never thought or said that.
So now I've got this whole mental shift where I feel like what's the point? I don't even want to watch sermons or anything anymore because it seems pointless as I can't be helped anyway because I can never be forgiven. And if I can't be forgiven how I can I trust in Christ for salvation when my salvation is now kaput? Like why would God, obviously knowing me and how stupid I am, and knowing my future, draw me closer to Him just for me to end up nullifying His work? Doesn't God finish a work if He starts it?
This is breaking me up. I've been crying, praying, repenting, asking for another chance, etc.
Also, I don't know if it means anything, but before I'd decided to lie down with the music, I had pulled up a deliverance video, where you know the presumably anointed person filming begins to rebuke and cast out devils from the viewer (me) watching. I think this stirred up... Something, or something was not happy because then came the mental attacks and I ended up coming down with a lite version of the flu that night.
Eh, thoughts on this? My mind is a battlefield right now, so it is difficult to discern anything right now. I am trying to listen for God's voice amidst the hail of condemnation.
A few nights ago I pulled up some worship music videos on my phone to listen to as I fell asleep, and a sudden bombardment of perverted and evil thoughts began to flow through my mind. I looked at my phone to try to watch the video for a bit and kind of block out the "chatter" and one of the performers was dancing around passionately and for whatever reason I said, "She has the kundalini spirit" and then felt like immediate conviction and regret and began to repent.
Of course, one is not supposed to call what is clean, unclean (such as claiming that performers filled in the Holy Spirit are actually filled with the kundalini spirit). I don't even know why I said it, because I didn't even care enough about the person to have any conviction in what I said. And the irony is, if I'd been listening to secular music (which I normally would be), I likely would have never thought or said that.
So now I've got this whole mental shift where I feel like what's the point? I don't even want to watch sermons or anything anymore because it seems pointless as I can't be helped anyway because I can never be forgiven. And if I can't be forgiven how I can I trust in Christ for salvation when my salvation is now kaput? Like why would God, obviously knowing me and how stupid I am, and knowing my future, draw me closer to Him just for me to end up nullifying His work? Doesn't God finish a work if He starts it?
This is breaking me up. I've been crying, praying, repenting, asking for another chance, etc.
Also, I don't know if it means anything, but before I'd decided to lie down with the music, I had pulled up a deliverance video, where you know the presumably anointed person filming begins to rebuke and cast out devils from the viewer (me) watching. I think this stirred up... Something, or something was not happy because then came the mental attacks and I ended up coming down with a lite version of the flu that night.
Eh, thoughts on this? My mind is a battlefield right now, so it is difficult to discern anything right now. I am trying to listen for God's voice amidst the hail of condemnation.
