Mother in-law hates that I'm a christian

Bloempje said:

But she does all of this behind my back. Whenever she sees me she won't say a negative thing. And as soon as she is alone with her son, she tries to tell him that, I'm difficult to get along, that he's getting too deep in Christianity and basically always trash-talking me etc.

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This is where your BF needs to say something like, "I'm not going to stand here and listen to you speaking against my girlfriend. I'm a grown man and should be able to draw my own conclusions about those that I choose to have in my life and how I live my life".

She's going to continue to think her decisions are the correct ones, exercise control and manipulation. It's been working for her consistently.

Just continue in the vain you have been - Be an example Continue to pray

Bloempje said:

Hello everyone, I need some advice on how to deal with my situation if you've gone through it. Or know someone who did.

So I and my bf have been dating for a couple of years and are now at the point of wanting to get married. But from day one his mother has not liked me because I am a Christian. My parents are pastors and she has accused our church of being a cult and that we are trying to change her son. She's convinced that I am not the right one for him, because I am a Christian.
But she does all of this behind my back. Whenever she sees me she won't say a negative thing. And as soon as she is alone with her son, she tries to tell him that, I'm difficult to get along, that he's getting too deep in Christianity and basically always trash-talking me etc.
(My bf became born again when he met me) She insinuates that ones we get married and have children I'm going to take him away from her. She insist on cleaning his house and doing his laundry. My bf travels a lot for work, so when he's gone I take care of his house like watering plants etc. But she has been making it such a big deal that this is her responsibility. (Bytheway he's 28) But she will never ever say it to my face. In all of this I have tried to do the Christian thing and always be nice and cordial, even buying her gifts when there is no special occasion for it. My bf has definitely tried to defend me and made it clear he's not leaving me, but it is getting to a point whereby it's too much to handle. If I was some evil gf it would make sense why a mother would act this way, but I have been nothing but good to her son and her, despite her behaviour towards me. We are not even married yet and I can't imagine dealing with such a narcissistic woman for the rest of my life. And now she's standing in the way of us getting married.. But she is his mother and I can't change that. Do I confront her or not?

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I believe that you must talk to him and give him an ultimatum to choose letting his mother control his life or break free to marry you. It's his mother or you that he has to decide, since he allows her to run his life. Furthermore, it's not just you or his mother, but it's his loyalty to Jesus or his mother. Let him decide. If he decides in you and Jesus to put his loyalty, he must stand up to his mother and tell her he's old enough to lead his own life.

Bloempje said:

You don't know the full story, there are a lot of things this woman has done to people around her that have driven them out of her life. Her own son agrees she's a narcissist(that doesn't take away that he loves her ), so this is not some assumption based on my like or dislike of her. But there's no need to go into further detail about that. If you read everything, you will see that I said I have been continuing to do the good Christian thing and treating her nicely despite her behavior towards me. And I will continue to do so. I just needed some advice from fellow Christians on how to deal with a situation like this. Isn't that what this forum is for? God bless

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Your right, there is more information that you have not revealed but my advice still stands.
Be blessed.

Bloempje said:

Hello everyone, I need some advice on how to deal with my situation if you've gone through it. Or know someone who did.

So I and my bf have been dating for a couple of years and are now at the point of wanting to get married. But from day one his mother has not liked me because I am a Christian. My parents are pastors and she has accused our church of being a cult and that we are trying to change her son. She's convinced that I am not the right one for him, because I am a Christian.
But she does all of this behind my back. Whenever she sees me she won't say a negative thing. And as soon as she is alone with her son, she tries to tell him that, I'm difficult to get along, that he's getting too deep in Christianity and basically always trash-talking me etc.
(My bf became born again when he met me) She insinuates that ones we get married and have children I'm going to take him away from her. She insist on cleaning his house and doing his laundry. My bf travels a lot for work, so when he's gone I take care of his house like watering plants etc. But she has been making it such a big deal that this is her responsibility. (Bytheway he's 28) But she will never ever say it to my face. In all of this I have tried to do the Christian thing and always be nice and cordial, even buying her gifts when there is no special occasion for it. My bf has definitely tried to defend me and made it clear he's not leaving me, but it is getting to a point whereby it's too much to handle. If I was some evil gf it would make sense why a mother would act this way, but I have been nothing but good to her son and her, despite her behaviour towards me. We are not even married yet and I can't imagine dealing with such a narcissistic woman for the rest of my life. And now she's standing in the way of us getting married.. But she is his mother and I can't change that. Do I confront her or not?

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She is worried about losing her son because she loves him so much. That is how some mothers feel. Be kind and patient. Let her do some things for him so she does not feel threatened. Eventually, she will see that you just love him too and want the best for him. I have seen all types of Christians, some who were quite mean and judgemental where you wondered where is the love. No telling what type of proclaimed, 'Christians", she has met. Love will win her over. God bless!

Bloempje said:

Hello everyone, I need some advice on how to deal with my situation if you've gone through it. Or know someone who did.

So I and my bf have been dating for a couple of years and are now at the point of wanting to get married. But from day one his mother has not liked me because I am a Christian. My parents are pastors and she has accused our church of being a cult and that we are trying to change her son. She's convinced that I am not the right one for him, because I am a Christian.
But she does all of this behind my back. Whenever she sees me she won't say a negative thing. And as soon as she is alone with her son, she tries to tell him that, I'm difficult to get along, that he's getting too deep in Christianity and basically always trash-talking me etc.
(My bf became born again when he met me) She insinuates that ones we get married and have children I'm going to take him away from her. She insist on cleaning his house and doing his laundry. My bf travels a lot for work, so when he's gone I take care of his house like watering plants etc. But she has been making it such a big deal that this is her responsibility. (Bytheway he's 28) But she will never ever say it to my face. In all of this I have tried to do the Christian thing and always be nice and cordial, even buying her gifts when there is no special occasion for it. My bf has definitely tried to defend me and made it clear he's not leaving me, but it is getting to a point whereby it's too much to handle. If I was some evil gf it would make sense why a mother would act this way, but I have been nothing but good to her son and her, despite her behaviour towards me. We are not even married yet and I can't imagine dealing with such a narcissistic woman for the rest of my life. And now she's standing in the way of us getting married.. But she is his mother and I can't change that. Do I confront her or not?

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Not worth confronting her with it ... just walk with Jesus ... and let His light shine through you. Is your betrothed christian? Are the both of you of the same beliefs? If so, it should not be a problem for him ... if not ... then that is what needs to be addressed.

Don't look at it as "dealing with a narcissistic woman" ... look at it as an opportunity for God to use you to perhaps help soften her heart ... and yeah ... your part in that might be somewhat challenging. ;o)

Both you and your betrothed need to talk and determine if both of you are up for the challenge and come what may never be a dividing issue between the two of you.

May the Lord lead the both of you according to His will. In Jesus name, Amen.

Let me offer an example of how this could possibly play out in the future, if you marry this guy, but he never sets limits on his mother's behavior.

When I had our child (over 25 years ago) I was committed to making sure that she had the best start in life. When I was a baby myself, I was allergic to so many things (cow's milk; wheat; oats; etc) and my doctor had said that our child could have the same sensitivities. I planned on introducing foods to her slowly once she was six months old, one food item at a time, so we'd know what she could tolerate. My husband knew this - and also knew the reasoning behind it (and the plan).

Well, one day (when our daughter was only four months-old and had only had breast milk at this time) we were planning on visiting family out of town with my mother-in-law traveling with us. My MIL came to our house earlier than we'd agreed to. I was still busy getting ready and our daughter was getting her much-needed nap. Without me even knowing she was there (she had a key to our home) my MIL woke our daughter up (which, in itself, was very upsetting to me) and proceeded to give her a bottle filled with cereal. Our daughter ended up with an upset stomach and a full-body rash that took two days to recover from.

A couple has to be in full agreement how to keep intrusions out of their lives. Instead, one spouse is wanting to leave the door closed and the other spouse is sneaking people through the door into their lives. It took me a LONG time to realize that boundaries are a way to protect the love between people and are not selfish.

Bloempje said:

You don't know the full story, there are a lot of things this woman has done to people around her that have driven them out of her life. Her own son agrees she's a narcissist(that doesn't take away that he loves her ), so this is not some assumption based on my like or dislike of her. But there's no need to go into further detail about that. If you read everything, you will see that I said I have been continuing to do the good Christian thing and treating her nicely despite her behavior towards me. And I will continue to do so. I just needed some advice from fellow Christians on how to deal with a situation like this. Isn't that what this forum is for? God bless

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In Luke 12:52 Jesus acknowledged families were going to be divided:

“For from now on, there will be five in one house divided, three against two, and two against three.”

You may love your fiancé. Since his mother is polite to your face, you may be polite to her face. Things might change for better or for worse.

You need to have a very long talk with your boyfriend and you both need to lay all your cards on the table. This woman sounds like a long term problem and she will impact the marriage in a bad way if she is allowed to. You can be nice and polite to her but I would make darned sure everyone knows where they stand. If you give her an inch she will take a yard and it will be a painful yard. Your marriage comes FIRST and everyone else comes second.

Bloempje said:

Hello everyone, I need some advice on how to deal with my situation if you've gone through it. Or know someone who did.

So I and my bf have been dating for a couple of years and are now at the point of wanting to get married. But from day one his mother has not liked me because I am a Christian. My parents are pastors and she has accused our church of being a cult and that we are trying to change her son. She's convinced that I am not the right one for him, because I am a Christian.
But she does all of this behind my back. Whenever she sees me she won't say a negative thing. And as soon as she is alone with her son, she tries to tell him that, I'm difficult to get along, that he's getting too deep in Christianity and basically always trash-talking me etc.
(My bf became born again when he met me) She insinuates that ones we get married and have children I'm going to take him away from her. She insist on cleaning his house and doing his laundry. My bf travels a lot for work, so when he's gone I take care of his house like watering plants etc. But she has been making it such a big deal that this is her responsibility. (Bytheway he's 28) But she will never ever say it to my face. In all of this I have tried to do the Christian thing and always be nice and cordial, even buying her gifts when there is no special occasion for it. My bf has definitely tried to defend me and made it clear he's not leaving me, but it is getting to a point whereby it's too much to handle. If I was some evil gf it would make sense why a mother would act this way, but I have been nothing but good to her son and her, despite her behaviour towards me. We are not even married yet and I can't imagine dealing with such a narcissistic woman for the rest of my life. And now she's standing in the way of us getting married.. But she is his mother and I can't change that. Do I confront her or not?

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Well, it's not you that is changing her son.. It's the Holy Spirit.

Let her look after his house while he's gone.. soon you and he will share a house and then it will be your responsibility...

Be kind, be polite, pray for her and let her see the light through you.

I'm thinking you and your BF ought to sit down and discuss what you both would like out of marriage - and what it would look like. This video from Don Miller (I think) is excellent in describing how a couple negotiates a mutually-decided upon agreement for their relationship:

Bloempje said:

Do I confront her or not?

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No.... you both sit down and very nicely state that nobody is leaving HER and that, should you get married, your children will know their grandmother. He must honor his mother (it is a commandment) though that doesn't mean he has to do what she says (like you said, he is 28 now) but he does (and you should) place great weight on her... in an honor sense... that is what the commandment is speaking of.

You scare her, she is insecure and you are the current trigger. It is NOT YOU... this is a spiritual thing. You can talk "love, peace, and joy" all day and she will still see that as a threat. Irrational? Yes... but only because her spirit is not centered on God. So take nothing personal!!!!!

You two need to sit down with her and just be straight forward and honest. If that isn't enough, and he still wants to be with you... you still be nice to her. One day she will come around because you are (and he) are going to keep her in daily prayer... right?

danielmears said:

She is worried about losing her son because she loves him so much. That is how some mothers feel. Be kind and patient. Let her do some things for him so she does not feel threatened. Eventually, she will see that you just love him too and want the best for him. I have seen all types of Christians, some who were quite mean and judgemental where you wondered where is the love. No telling what type of proclaimed, 'Christians", she has met. Love will win her over. God bless!

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I agree with this man. The mom loves her son alot, and she has much fear in losing him, and that fear is being manifested. She needs to protect what she has, anyway she can.

I really dont think the real problem is that your Christian, however Christianity is a threat to her because she belives that it will take her son away, so she speaks out against it.

In the same way, even if a non Christian girl come along for example and the son decided to move to a different state, the mom would also speak out against the non-Christian girl. She would pick on whatever she could. She is not ready to let go.

I really do believe you three should sit down together and discuss it. Not from a position of defending Christianity but from a position of love.

Eg. Tell the mother, that the problem has nothing to do with religion, but that you two love eachother and want to start building a life together. That her fear of losing her son is the very thing thats pushing you two away. It is because of her fear that she will end up losing her son.

Explain to her that its life, that two people fall in love and build a life together, ask her, do you not want that for your son ect. Ect. That you have no intention of cutting her out of her sons life, after all she is probably going to be a grandmother one day.

Its going to be hard, and will take time, i do believe you need to make peace with her though. I would suggest you pray before you talk with her, that God guide the discussion, that he reveals to her the real problem, and that he help you all sort it out and come to a position of peace.

Chris35 said:

I agree with this man. The mom loves her son alot, and she has much fear in losing him, and that fear is being manifested. She needs to protect what she has, anyway she can.

I really dont think the real problem is that your Christian, however Christianity is a threat to her because she belives that it will take her son away, so she speaks out against it.

In the same way, even if a non Christian girl come along for example and the son decided to move to a different state, the mom would also speak out against the non-Christian girl. She would pick on whatever she could. She is not ready to let go.

I really do believe you three should sit down together and discuss it. Not from a position of defending Christianity but from a position of love.

Eg. Tell the mother, that the problem has nothing to do with religion, but that you two love eachother and want to start building a life together. That her fear of losing her son is the very thing thats pushing you two away. It is because of her fear that she will end up losing her son.

Explain to her that its life, that two people fall in love and build a life together, ask her, do you not want that for your son ect. Ect. That you have no intention of cutting her out of her sons life, after all she is probably going to be a grandmother one day.

Its going to be hard, and will take time, i do believe you need to make peace with her though. I would suggest you pray before you talk with her, that God guide the discussion, that he reveals to her the real problem, and that he help you all sort it out and come to a position of peace.

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I think the part about her being one day a grand mother is an awesome point! She might really like that. Grand children are a precious gift, we have 9, and love them all soo.. much! I do think it is important to start off on the right foot since this relationship most probably will last a lifetime..There is no rush..

Bloempje said:

(My bf became born again when he met me) She insinuates that ones we get married and have children I'm going to take him away from her. She insist on cleaning his house and doing his laundry. My bf travels a lot for work, so when he's gone I take care of his house like watering plants etc. But she has been making it such a big deal that this is her responsibility. (Bytheway he's 28) But she will never ever say it to my face. In all of this I have tried to do the Christian thing and always be nice and cordial, even buying her gifts when there is no special occasion for it. My bf has definitely tried to defend me and made it clear he's not leaving me, but it is getting to a point whereby it's too much to handle. If I was some evil gf it would make sense why a mother would act this way, but I have been nothing but good to her son and her, despite her behaviour towards me. We are not even married yet and I can't imagine dealing with such a narcissistic woman for the rest of my life. And now she's standing in the way of us getting married.. But she is his mother and I can't change that. Do I confront her or not?

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There is some good advice on here... but here is a different idea:

No, you should not be the one to confront, but I don't think your boyfriend confronting his mom is the greatest idea either. Also, you should not "nag" him about it because he may end up resenting both you and his mother (I'm not suggesting you would).

The issue is how should your boyfriend get his mother to back up without hurting her? She obviously loves him dearly and is afraid of not being as close to him as she is now. I think the key is not to just slap her with a big, sudden change, but to start slow and gradual.

At this point, if I were him, I wouldn't even make it anything about you. I would make this about me taking on more responsibility for my life and slowly working my mom out of the "inner circle" and putting her into the "wise-mom-for-big- decisions" circle. He's 28 years old and his mother is still doing everything for him? He should start by taking the initiative in managing his own house and life. I'm not trying to be a jerk- if he already is trying to do that, great! Good man! But what needs to happen is he needs to gradually "work his mom out of a job," so to speak. Or maybe better to say, "give her a different job". If he's interested in the idea, but doesn't know how to do some things, maybe you could teach him (but don't do it for him).

He can let his mom down tactfully by giving her all kinds of thanks and love in the process... maybe something like, "Hey mom, you're so amazing! Thank you so much for all you do! I love you tons, but I got this!" Then when his mom comes over and finds he already did his own laundry, cleaning, etc. She might just step back and let him do his thing and soak up all his compliments (maybe he can get her small gifts once in a while- like flowers or something- for the sugar on top). If he feels any bitterness, he should try to just keep that to himself and be positive towards her.
Maybe he could even let his dad in on the plan (if he's around) and see if he can take her out on dates or something to draw her attention away from your boyfriend... Plus, it works out good for his dad too!
Once she gets accustomed to him taking care of himself, she might trust his judgment more on his choice of women and might not feel so threatened by you.

Hope it all works out! God bless!

Bloempje said:

Hello everyone, I need some advice on how to deal with my situation if you've gone through it. Or know someone who did.

So I and my bf have been dating for a couple of years and are now at the point of wanting to get married. But from day one his mother has not liked me because I am a Christian. My parents are pastors and she has accused our church of being a cult and that we are trying to change her son. She's convinced that I am not the right one for him, because I am a Christian.
But she does all of this behind my back. Whenever she sees me she won't say a negative thing. And as soon as she is alone with her son, she tries to tell him that, I'm difficult to get along, that he's getting too deep in Christianity and basically always trash-talking me etc.
(My bf became born again when he met me) She insinuates that ones we get married and have children I'm going to take him away from her. She insist on cleaning his house and doing his laundry. My bf travels a lot for work, so when he's gone I take care of his house like watering plants etc. But she has been making it such a big deal that this is her responsibility. (Bytheway he's 28) But she will never ever say it to my face. In all of this I have tried to do the Christian thing and always be nice and cordial, even buying her gifts when there is no special occasion for it. My bf has definitely tried to defend me and made it clear he's not leaving me, but it is getting to a point whereby it's too much to handle. If I was some evil gf it would make sense why a mother would act this way, but I have been nothing but good to her son and her, despite her behaviour towards me. We are not even married yet and I can't imagine dealing with such a narcissistic woman for the rest of my life. And now she's standing in the way of us getting married.. But she is his mother and I can't change that. Do I confront her or not?

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No, all confronting must come from him. When you marry-if you do, you and your husband become one. Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife. It is his duty to protect you, for you to come before his mother from then on, always. Some men have a hard time understanding this and take their mother's side. You need to know for sure before you get married that you will always come first.
God>You>Your Children> Other family(including his mother)>Friends- in that order. He should always respect his mother but when a mother oversteps that boundry of marriage it's up to the husband to draw the line in the sand. It can be hard for a mother to give up her place and become the mother-in-law, the grandmother, but she must do it if she wants her son to grow into the man he should be.
Pray for her and for your bf. Show her respect as right now she is in that second place as is her right to be. Unfortunately, it sounds like she doesn't plan to move from it should you marry.

Bloempje said:

My bf travels a lot for work, so when he's gone I take care of his house like watering plants etc. But she has been making it such a big deal that this is her responsibility.

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Oh, sorry, I didn't see that he travels a lot for work. Kinda hard for him to do his housework when he's gone
But the same principle still applies. Maybe he could get his house cleaned up before he leaves on business. I'm sure it would be fine for a few days, or whatever, without being cleaned again. Sometimes talking is necessary, but if he can get the point across without words, it may be better.

You must be sure that your bf is going to keep defending you from your mother. But more so than presently.

Here is a real problem area: He is listening to her when she attacks you. That should not be how it works. He needs to firmly tell you mother that she is not to verbally trash you anymore. At all. This will make her even more mad at you. Can you bf take it? Can he stick to his resolution to no longer listen to her abusiveness? You need to know that for sure. If he can't be consistent and put you first, you will have an unhappy marriage filled with stress.

Apologies.