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I wrote this devotional during a very stressful time a few years ago when I first discovered that I was married to a pedophile, and the "Christians" I turned to for support counseled me to stay and submit. I did not stay, and I learned a lot about God's heart for marriage, for women in abusive situations, and for me:
The Lord has been prompting me to write about the life of Abigail, the wife of Nabal in the book of 1 Samuel in the Old Testament. I didn't know why, and it seemed kind of random, until I opened up my Bible and a commentary this morning and dug a little deeper. This message is for anyone, man or woman, who has ever wondered what Biblical submission was meant to be.
Abigail is described as being beautiful and intelligent. Her husband was named Nabal, which literally means "fool", and his reputation matched his name. He was known for being surly and mean, and for making poor decisions, in spite of his wealth and apparent success. Wealth on a worldly scale isn't everything, and it doesn't necessarily indicate wisdom. He may have inherited his wealth, for all we know. Perhaps he got rich by cheating, extorting, and stealing. All we are told is that he was a wealthy man.
Abigail, however, was known to be a wise and kind woman, as is evidenced by the fact that the servants ran to her immediately when they heard that Nabal had insulted and mistreated David, the future King of Israel, and his men. They were on the run from King Saul, who was jealous of David's favor with God and wanted to kill him. They had been wandering in the Desert of Paran, and had been protecting Nabal's extensive flocks and herds from being harmed by the Ishmaelites, who were roaming around pillaging and stealing in that area. Nabal's servants described David's men as being "a wall of protection", and said that not one animal had been lost because of them.
It was sheep shearing time, and it was customary for the owner of the flocks to throw a huge feast and invite all his neighbours, the surrounding villagers, and anyone who had taken part in caring for the sheep.
David and his men were understandably hungry, and sent word to ask if they might join in the celebration. It was not untoward for them to ask. It would have been, in fact, customary for them to be invited. But Nabal responded with insults and rudeness, and sent David's messengers packing.
David reacted with anger at the insult, and instructed his men to strap on their swords and prepare to wipe out Nabal and his entire household, servants and all.
When the servants came to Abigail and told her what had happened, she immediately sprang into action. She could have packed up and headed for the hills, and left her evil husband to deal with the outcome. That would have been a completely justifiable way out of a miserable marriage. Nobody would have blamed her. She could have returned to her father as a widow and lived peacefully and without shame. But that's not what she chose to do. She chose to bravely and humbly confront David, offer a peace offering and an apology, and save her husband's life and the lives of all the other people in their household.
She immediately instructed the servants to gather up food and wine to offer to David and his men. She didn't ask permission from her husband, she just did it. She knew he would have never permitted her to offer refreshment to the men he had just insulted, but she also knew it was the right thing to do, and doing what was right trumped pleasing her fool of a husband. Faced with the choice of being a subservient wife or a wise woman, she chose wisdom.
David took note. He saw her beauty, her obvious intelligence, her bravery, and her respect for her husband. She came before him and asked him to pay no attention to her husband, and said "He is a fool, like his name."
Respect? How is that respect? She called her husband a fool! Yes, but she merely spoke what everyone already knew to be true. It was no secret that Nabal was a fool, and she didn't try to pretend otherwise. She didn't candy-coat his character, or try to make him look better, or minimize his actions, or explain his meanness away. She was not his codependent partner, making excuses for his poor decisions and smoothing things over so that he could go on making more poor decisions without consequences. But she saved his life. She kept David from having him killed, even though he more than deserved it and it would have meant her own freedom from a bad marriage. She acted in the best interest of her husband. That is respect. Without Abigail's intervention, Nabal and his household would have been dead.
Abigail understood that submission is about recognizing a person's God-given authority, not bowing under unfair treatment and being a doormat. When she came before David, she knelt down and acknowledged his leadership, his anointing by God, and his future kingship. She didn't try to butter him up with flattery and compliments. She didn't bat her eyelashes and try to impress him. She knew it wasn't about her. She didn't pretend to be someone she was not. She merely stated facts and let David know that she accepted and acknowledged his authority. Silence is not synonymous with submission.
David responded by making a covenant with Abigail. He promised not to destroy Nabal and his household. He thanked her for her timely wisdom in heading his attack off at the pass, and recognized that his angry response would have left the blood of many innocent people on his hands. And he tucked her away in his memory as a woman who was wise and compassionate, a woman who would make a good queen.
Abigail returned home to find Nabal in the middle of throwing a huge party to celebrate the end of sheep shearing. The Bible describes it as being "as if he were a king". Obviously, Nabal thought very highly of himself. He hadn't even noticed that his wife was missing. When Abigail found him, he was drunk and in very high spirits. Literally, manic.
Abigail waited. She didn't immediately light into him about how he had put them all in danger and she had to save his skin, and whine about how hard-done-by she was, and how he wasn't meeting her needs as a husband. She didn't tell him he was disgusting and drunk and guilt-trip him into sobering up. She didn't nag or give him the silent treatment. She just waited. Waited for him to sleep it off and get cleaned up. Waited for him to be alert enough to comprehend what she had to say.
And then she told him exactly what she had done. She told him about his near death experience, and how David had been on his way to kill him and all his servants. She told him that she had taken food and wine from Nabal's own storehouse and fed more than six hundred hungry soldiers, as well as the future king that Nabal had disrespected. She told him that she had diverted David's wrath. She didn't lie or embellish, she didn't try to create a sympathetic spin to protect herself from his anger, she just stated the facts and let God sort it out. And He certainly did sort it out.
Immediately upon hearing what his wife had done, the Bible says Nabal's heart failed and he became like a stone. Whether that means he had a heart attack or a stroke, we don't know for sure, but either way it was fatal. He lingered in that state for ten days, and then he died. God gave him ten days to think back on his life and the choices he had made. Ten days to repent. Ten days to change his heart and make things right with God. Whether he did or not is a mystery, but we do know that God gave him the opportunity.
God was not passively standing by all that time, allowing Nabal to run roughshod over Abigail and make her life miserable. He wasn't ignoring the situation or punishing her for some sin by making her suffer under the heavy hand of her evil husband. He was waiting for the right time. The perfect time. The time when all the players would be lined up and standing on their predestined marks, and the drama could unfold the way it was meant to. His timing ensured that David would meet and be favourably impressed by Abigail, that Nabal would have ten days of serious reflection on his life choices before he died, and that Abigail would be freed from her abusive marriage.
When David heard that Nabal was dead, he immediately recognized God's hand in it. He praised God for sending Abigail to keep him from killing innocent people, Nabal's servants and household. He praised God for His justice in removing Nabal from his marriage to Abigail. And then he sent for Abigail and asked her to be his queen.
Submission gets a bad rap a lot of the time. It is sneered at by the world as oppression of women, and it is used as a tool to abuse women in many religions and ideologies. However, the example of submission shown to us in the story of Abigail is an amalgamation of strength, courage, honesty, directness, shrewdness, compassion, and wisdom.
Abigail resisted the urge to make a run for it when she heard that an army of six hundred men had strapped on swords and were coming to wipe out her household. Instead, with a clear head, she instructed her servants to gather up food and wine to offer the men. She thought it through intelligently and came up with a game plan. That's strength.
She rode toward six hundred armed men on her horse and bowed down in front of the angry future king who was on his way to do battle with her husband. That's courage.
She told David exactly what her husband's character was, and later she told Nabal exactly what she had done. She didn't see any need to lie or hide the facts. She simply told the truth and let him deal with it. It wasn't her problem. That's honesty, and that is directness.
She formulated a plan to ride out to David and his men with Nabal's own food and wine, without clearing it with Nabal first, knowing that he would never allow it. She decided it was better to ask forgiveness later than ask permission first, knowing that many lives were at stake. She acted against her husband's wishes, but in the best interest of everyone involved, and she knew exactly what she was doing. That's shrewdness.
Abigail chose to save her husband's life, not because he deserved it, but because she knew it would also save the lives of those who were under his authority. That's wisdom and compassion.
Under no circumstances should a woman ever feel obligated to place herself under the submission of a man who mistreats and abuses her. The Bible never makes such a statement. However, her submission is to be of her own free will, and is to be a reflection of her character.
Sometimes submission can look a lot like continuing to cook and clean house while making plans to leave and take your children from an abusive home situation. Sometimes submission can mean going behind your husband's back to do what's right and then telling him about it later. Sometimes submission means doing what angers your husband, but stops him from continuing to do wrong. Submission doesn't mean passively letting an abusive husband keep on abusing without consequences. True submission is voluntary, and never forced.
In a marriage that is functioning correctly, a husband and wife will submit to one another in turn, out of respect for one another. The husband will not speak harshly, flirt or be inappropriate with other women, continually frustrate, try to control or manipulate, or otherwise mistreat his wife. He will provide for her and will look after her needs on every level, physical, emotional, and spiritual. The wife will speak respectfully to her husband, care for his needs, and be his supportive equal partner. In this way, the needs of both partners will be met. They will be each other's "one and only". That is Biblical submission.
Sometimes, however, a wife can find herself in a situation like Abigail's, married to a man that doesn't honor God and doesn't put his wife's best interest ahead of his own desires. In that instance, we have the example of Abigail, a woman who acted with queenly wisdom and integrity in spite of her situation. We don't have to let our situation dictate our response, and we don't have to compromise our character and ethics to protect an abusive spouse.
Christians are famous for encouraging abused wives to submit, without understanding that true submission doesn't look like an obedient lapdog trying to placate an angry owner.
Women, submission is not always passive. You are not stepping outside of the will of God by acting behind the scenes, or even behind your husband's back, to do what is right, when he himself will not. Continue to check your heart, make sure your motives are right, and act accordingly, knowing that sometimes submission roars, and sometimes it acts in secret. Submission is a beautiful way to showcase a woman's strength and character.
The next time you meet a woman living in an abusive situation, whether that abuse is physical violence, verbal and emotional battering, withholding of financial support, oppressive control of her time and social contacts, isolation from her family and friends, adultery or flirting with other woman, manipulation of her emotions, or any of the other many forms of abuse, make very sure you don't tell her to just try to be more submissive and trust that God will work it all out. And don't think you are qualified to judge the seriousness of the abuse and determine whether or not it is something she can or cannot live with. God may very well be waiting for all the players to stand on their preordained marks so the drama can unfold and the abusers can be stopped in their tracks, and if you have added to the burden carried by a godly woman who has placed her trust in Him, don't think you will be overlooked when He moves to protect her and punish her oppressors.
The Lord has been prompting me to write about the life of Abigail, the wife of Nabal in the book of 1 Samuel in the Old Testament. I didn't know why, and it seemed kind of random, until I opened up my Bible and a commentary this morning and dug a little deeper. This message is for anyone, man or woman, who has ever wondered what Biblical submission was meant to be.
Abigail is described as being beautiful and intelligent. Her husband was named Nabal, which literally means "fool", and his reputation matched his name. He was known for being surly and mean, and for making poor decisions, in spite of his wealth and apparent success. Wealth on a worldly scale isn't everything, and it doesn't necessarily indicate wisdom. He may have inherited his wealth, for all we know. Perhaps he got rich by cheating, extorting, and stealing. All we are told is that he was a wealthy man.
Abigail, however, was known to be a wise and kind woman, as is evidenced by the fact that the servants ran to her immediately when they heard that Nabal had insulted and mistreated David, the future King of Israel, and his men. They were on the run from King Saul, who was jealous of David's favor with God and wanted to kill him. They had been wandering in the Desert of Paran, and had been protecting Nabal's extensive flocks and herds from being harmed by the Ishmaelites, who were roaming around pillaging and stealing in that area. Nabal's servants described David's men as being "a wall of protection", and said that not one animal had been lost because of them.
It was sheep shearing time, and it was customary for the owner of the flocks to throw a huge feast and invite all his neighbours, the surrounding villagers, and anyone who had taken part in caring for the sheep.
David and his men were understandably hungry, and sent word to ask if they might join in the celebration. It was not untoward for them to ask. It would have been, in fact, customary for them to be invited. But Nabal responded with insults and rudeness, and sent David's messengers packing.
David reacted with anger at the insult, and instructed his men to strap on their swords and prepare to wipe out Nabal and his entire household, servants and all.
When the servants came to Abigail and told her what had happened, she immediately sprang into action. She could have packed up and headed for the hills, and left her evil husband to deal with the outcome. That would have been a completely justifiable way out of a miserable marriage. Nobody would have blamed her. She could have returned to her father as a widow and lived peacefully and without shame. But that's not what she chose to do. She chose to bravely and humbly confront David, offer a peace offering and an apology, and save her husband's life and the lives of all the other people in their household.
She immediately instructed the servants to gather up food and wine to offer to David and his men. She didn't ask permission from her husband, she just did it. She knew he would have never permitted her to offer refreshment to the men he had just insulted, but she also knew it was the right thing to do, and doing what was right trumped pleasing her fool of a husband. Faced with the choice of being a subservient wife or a wise woman, she chose wisdom.
David took note. He saw her beauty, her obvious intelligence, her bravery, and her respect for her husband. She came before him and asked him to pay no attention to her husband, and said "He is a fool, like his name."
Respect? How is that respect? She called her husband a fool! Yes, but she merely spoke what everyone already knew to be true. It was no secret that Nabal was a fool, and she didn't try to pretend otherwise. She didn't candy-coat his character, or try to make him look better, or minimize his actions, or explain his meanness away. She was not his codependent partner, making excuses for his poor decisions and smoothing things over so that he could go on making more poor decisions without consequences. But she saved his life. She kept David from having him killed, even though he more than deserved it and it would have meant her own freedom from a bad marriage. She acted in the best interest of her husband. That is respect. Without Abigail's intervention, Nabal and his household would have been dead.
Abigail understood that submission is about recognizing a person's God-given authority, not bowing under unfair treatment and being a doormat. When she came before David, she knelt down and acknowledged his leadership, his anointing by God, and his future kingship. She didn't try to butter him up with flattery and compliments. She didn't bat her eyelashes and try to impress him. She knew it wasn't about her. She didn't pretend to be someone she was not. She merely stated facts and let David know that she accepted and acknowledged his authority. Silence is not synonymous with submission.
David responded by making a covenant with Abigail. He promised not to destroy Nabal and his household. He thanked her for her timely wisdom in heading his attack off at the pass, and recognized that his angry response would have left the blood of many innocent people on his hands. And he tucked her away in his memory as a woman who was wise and compassionate, a woman who would make a good queen.
Abigail returned home to find Nabal in the middle of throwing a huge party to celebrate the end of sheep shearing. The Bible describes it as being "as if he were a king". Obviously, Nabal thought very highly of himself. He hadn't even noticed that his wife was missing. When Abigail found him, he was drunk and in very high spirits. Literally, manic.
Abigail waited. She didn't immediately light into him about how he had put them all in danger and she had to save his skin, and whine about how hard-done-by she was, and how he wasn't meeting her needs as a husband. She didn't tell him he was disgusting and drunk and guilt-trip him into sobering up. She didn't nag or give him the silent treatment. She just waited. Waited for him to sleep it off and get cleaned up. Waited for him to be alert enough to comprehend what she had to say.
And then she told him exactly what she had done. She told him about his near death experience, and how David had been on his way to kill him and all his servants. She told him that she had taken food and wine from Nabal's own storehouse and fed more than six hundred hungry soldiers, as well as the future king that Nabal had disrespected. She told him that she had diverted David's wrath. She didn't lie or embellish, she didn't try to create a sympathetic spin to protect herself from his anger, she just stated the facts and let God sort it out. And He certainly did sort it out.
Immediately upon hearing what his wife had done, the Bible says Nabal's heart failed and he became like a stone. Whether that means he had a heart attack or a stroke, we don't know for sure, but either way it was fatal. He lingered in that state for ten days, and then he died. God gave him ten days to think back on his life and the choices he had made. Ten days to repent. Ten days to change his heart and make things right with God. Whether he did or not is a mystery, but we do know that God gave him the opportunity.
God was not passively standing by all that time, allowing Nabal to run roughshod over Abigail and make her life miserable. He wasn't ignoring the situation or punishing her for some sin by making her suffer under the heavy hand of her evil husband. He was waiting for the right time. The perfect time. The time when all the players would be lined up and standing on their predestined marks, and the drama could unfold the way it was meant to. His timing ensured that David would meet and be favourably impressed by Abigail, that Nabal would have ten days of serious reflection on his life choices before he died, and that Abigail would be freed from her abusive marriage.
When David heard that Nabal was dead, he immediately recognized God's hand in it. He praised God for sending Abigail to keep him from killing innocent people, Nabal's servants and household. He praised God for His justice in removing Nabal from his marriage to Abigail. And then he sent for Abigail and asked her to be his queen.
Submission gets a bad rap a lot of the time. It is sneered at by the world as oppression of women, and it is used as a tool to abuse women in many religions and ideologies. However, the example of submission shown to us in the story of Abigail is an amalgamation of strength, courage, honesty, directness, shrewdness, compassion, and wisdom.
Abigail resisted the urge to make a run for it when she heard that an army of six hundred men had strapped on swords and were coming to wipe out her household. Instead, with a clear head, she instructed her servants to gather up food and wine to offer the men. She thought it through intelligently and came up with a game plan. That's strength.
She rode toward six hundred armed men on her horse and bowed down in front of the angry future king who was on his way to do battle with her husband. That's courage.
She told David exactly what her husband's character was, and later she told Nabal exactly what she had done. She didn't see any need to lie or hide the facts. She simply told the truth and let him deal with it. It wasn't her problem. That's honesty, and that is directness.
She formulated a plan to ride out to David and his men with Nabal's own food and wine, without clearing it with Nabal first, knowing that he would never allow it. She decided it was better to ask forgiveness later than ask permission first, knowing that many lives were at stake. She acted against her husband's wishes, but in the best interest of everyone involved, and she knew exactly what she was doing. That's shrewdness.
Abigail chose to save her husband's life, not because he deserved it, but because she knew it would also save the lives of those who were under his authority. That's wisdom and compassion.
Under no circumstances should a woman ever feel obligated to place herself under the submission of a man who mistreats and abuses her. The Bible never makes such a statement. However, her submission is to be of her own free will, and is to be a reflection of her character.
Sometimes submission can look a lot like continuing to cook and clean house while making plans to leave and take your children from an abusive home situation. Sometimes submission can mean going behind your husband's back to do what's right and then telling him about it later. Sometimes submission means doing what angers your husband, but stops him from continuing to do wrong. Submission doesn't mean passively letting an abusive husband keep on abusing without consequences. True submission is voluntary, and never forced.
In a marriage that is functioning correctly, a husband and wife will submit to one another in turn, out of respect for one another. The husband will not speak harshly, flirt or be inappropriate with other women, continually frustrate, try to control or manipulate, or otherwise mistreat his wife. He will provide for her and will look after her needs on every level, physical, emotional, and spiritual. The wife will speak respectfully to her husband, care for his needs, and be his supportive equal partner. In this way, the needs of both partners will be met. They will be each other's "one and only". That is Biblical submission.
Sometimes, however, a wife can find herself in a situation like Abigail's, married to a man that doesn't honor God and doesn't put his wife's best interest ahead of his own desires. In that instance, we have the example of Abigail, a woman who acted with queenly wisdom and integrity in spite of her situation. We don't have to let our situation dictate our response, and we don't have to compromise our character and ethics to protect an abusive spouse.
Christians are famous for encouraging abused wives to submit, without understanding that true submission doesn't look like an obedient lapdog trying to placate an angry owner.
Women, submission is not always passive. You are not stepping outside of the will of God by acting behind the scenes, or even behind your husband's back, to do what is right, when he himself will not. Continue to check your heart, make sure your motives are right, and act accordingly, knowing that sometimes submission roars, and sometimes it acts in secret. Submission is a beautiful way to showcase a woman's strength and character.
The next time you meet a woman living in an abusive situation, whether that abuse is physical violence, verbal and emotional battering, withholding of financial support, oppressive control of her time and social contacts, isolation from her family and friends, adultery or flirting with other woman, manipulation of her emotions, or any of the other many forms of abuse, make very sure you don't tell her to just try to be more submissive and trust that God will work it all out. And don't think you are qualified to judge the seriousness of the abuse and determine whether or not it is something she can or cannot live with. God may very well be waiting for all the players to stand on their preordained marks so the drama can unfold and the abusers can be stopped in their tracks, and if you have added to the burden carried by a godly woman who has placed her trust in Him, don't think you will be overlooked when He moves to protect her and punish her oppressors.
