I might be called but not chosen

Bob8102 said:

In Matthew 22: 1-14, Jesus gives the parable of the wedding feast, where one guy showed up without a wedding garment on and was cast out. In 14, Jesus says "many are called but few are chosen." In my David Jeremiah Study Bible notes on this passage, it says, "To participate in the great feast of God, one must not only be invited, but also put on the King's wedding clothes - the righteousness of Christ, accepted by grace through faith. Those without such a garment, although called, reveal they are not chosen."

For ten years, I have been actively, full time, seeking to get saved by Jesus. I am 61 years old. I was not raised in a church-going, gospel-teaching family. In sixth grade, I attended a Baptist elementary school and heard the gospel for the first time. I remember sitting on the edge of my bed one time, during that school year, and asking Jesus to come into my heart. I even visualized Him doing so. (This visualization thing might be part of my problem.) But after sixth grade, I did not go to church nor Christian school. Then my older brother, who had severe mental problems like I now do, also, became a born again Christian and started talking to me about it. In tenth grade, a friend of his asked me, "If you were to die tonight and stand before God and He were to ask you, 'Why should I let you into my heaven?' what would you say?" I said that I would say, well, I once tried to accept Christ into my heart. Then I said, "Would that be enough or would I be on shaky ground?" The friend said, "You would be on VERY shaky ground."

Later, in another conversation, the same friend told me that I needed to give my life to Christ. Within, I felt no willingness to do so. I heard a voice in my head saying, "You don't have to." Though I knew whose voice that was, I clung to that concept, and did not give my life to Christ. Then came years of knowing I was not a Christian and not headed for heaven.

About ten years ago, I was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, for which I see a psychiatrist and take medication. Also about ten years ago, a Christian psychologist suggested I attend a certain weekly meeting. He also enticed me with "easy believism." Since then, I have apparently been seeking to enter the kingdom of heaven by easy believism means.

For the last ten years, I have been, all day, everyday, seeking to enter the kingdom of heaven. I have done much communicating with a Christian friend, whom I've worn out. One significant thing she has said is that I seem to be seeking salvation, but not the One Who saves.

Another friend of mine said that when he gave his life to Christ, he said, "Take me!" In my many, apparently false conversions, I have (I thought sincerely) cried the same thing. I have repeatedly "given my life to Christ," only to doubt I'm saved, later.

I have been going to a website that is, in part, about Christians who have OCD and keep doubting their salvation. I have communicated with the creator of the website via email. He, and some other people, are convinced my problem is OCD. I believe OCD is a part of my problem. But I not only have OCD, I have SD: Sinner Disorder.

I sometimes, so sincerely and self-convincingly, "give my life to Christ." But one major reason to doubt it later is that self remains firmly on the throne of my life. I think that to surrender to God/Christ is a major doing that I have not done yet. To do so is the hardest thing in the world. I just don't want to let go control of my life. I try to surrender, but apparently have never really done so. That's why I think I don't have a wedding garment on.

Just this morning, when I was reading the study bible notes on Matthew, I had an impression of what it would be like to surrender my will and life to God. It was an unbearably oppressive concept. I "couldn't" do it.

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Bob8102 said:

In Matthew 22: 1-14, Jesus gives the parable of the wedding feast, where one guy showed up without a wedding garment on and was cast out. In 14, Jesus says "many are called but few are chosen." In my David Jeremiah Study Bible notes on this passage, it says, "To participate in the great feast of God, one must not only be invited, but also put on the King's wedding clothes - the righteousness of Christ, accepted by grace through faith. Those without such a garment, although called, reveal they are not chosen."

For ten years, I have been actively, full time, seeking to get saved by Jesus. I am 61 years old. I was not raised in a church-going, gospel-teaching family. In sixth grade, I attended a Baptist elementary school and heard the gospel for the first time. I remember sitting on the edge of my bed one time, during that school year, and asking Jesus to come into my heart. I even visualized Him doing so. (This visualization thing might be part of my problem.) But after sixth grade, I did not go to church nor Christian school. Then my older brother, who had severe mental problems like I now do, also, became a born again Christian and started talking to me about it. In tenth grade, a friend of his asked me, "If you were to die tonight and stand before God and He were to ask you, 'Why should I let you into my heaven?' what would you say?" I said that I would say, well, I once tried to accept Christ into my heart. Then I said, "Would that be enough or would I be on shaky ground?" The friend said, "You would be on VERY shaky ground."

Later, in another conversation, the same friend told me that I needed to give my life to Christ. Within, I felt no willingness to do so. I heard a voice in my head saying, "You don't have to." Though I knew whose voice that was, I clung to that concept, and did not give my life to Christ. Then came years of knowing I was not a Christian and not headed for heaven.

About ten years ago, I was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, for which I see a psychiatrist and take medication. Also about ten years ago, a Christian psychologist suggested I attend a certain weekly meeting. He also enticed me with "easy believism." Since then, I have apparently been seeking to enter the kingdom of heaven by easy believism means.

For the last ten years, I have been, all day, everyday, seeking to enter the kingdom of heaven. I have done much communicating with a Christian friend, whom I've worn out. One significant thing she has said is that I seem to be seeking salvation, but not the One Who saves.

Another friend of mine said that when he gave his life to Christ, he said, "Take me!" In my many, apparently false conversions, I have (I thought sincerely) cried the same thing. I have repeatedly "given my life to Christ," only to doubt I'm saved, later.

I have been going to a website that is, in part, about Christians who have OCD and keep doubting their salvation. I have communicated with the creator of the website via email. He, and some other people, are convinced my problem is OCD. I believe OCD is a part of my problem. But I not only have OCD, I have SD: Sinner Disorder.

I sometimes, so sincerely and self-convincingly, "give my life to Christ." But one major reason to doubt it later is that self remains firmly on the throne of my life. I think that to surrender to God/Christ is a major doing that I have not done yet. To do so is the hardest thing in the world. I just don't want to let go control of my life. I try to surrender, but apparently have never really done so. That's why I think I don't have a wedding garment on.

Just this morning, when I was reading the study bible notes on Matthew, I had an impression of what it would be like to surrender my will and life to God. It was an unbearably oppressive concept. I "couldn't" do it.

Click to expand...

Bob8102 said:

In Matthew 22: 1-14, Jesus gives the parable of the wedding feast, where one guy showed up without a wedding garment on and was cast out. In 14, Jesus says "many are called but few are chosen." In my David Jeremiah Study Bible notes on this passage, it says, "To participate in the great feast of God, one must not only be invited, but also put on the King's wedding clothes - the righteousness of Christ, accepted by grace through faith. Those without such a garment, although called, reveal they are not chosen."

For ten years, I have been actively, full time, seeking to get saved by Jesus. I am 61 years old. I was not raised in a church-going, gospel-teaching family. In sixth grade, I attended a Baptist elementary school and heard the gospel for the first time. I remember sitting on the edge of my bed one time, during that school year, and asking Jesus to come into my heart. I even visualized Him doing so. (This visualization thing might be part of my problem.) But after sixth grade, I did not go to church nor Christian school. Then my older brother, who had severe mental problems like I now do, also, became a born again Christian and started talking to me about it. In tenth grade, a friend of his asked me, "If you were to die tonight and stand before God and He were to ask you, 'Why should I let you into my heaven?' what would you say?" I said that I would say, well, I once tried to accept Christ into my heart. Then I said, "Would that be enough or would I be on shaky ground?" The friend said, "You would be on VERY shaky ground."

Later, in another conversation, the same friend told me that I needed to give my life to Christ. Within, I felt no willingness to do so. I heard a voice in my head saying, "You don't have to." Though I knew whose voice that was, I clung to that concept, and did not give my life to Christ. Then came years of knowing I was not a Christian and not headed for heaven.

About ten years ago, I was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, for which I see a psychiatrist and take medication. Also about ten years ago, a Christian psychologist suggested I attend a certain weekly meeting. He also enticed me with "easy believism." Since then, I have apparently been seeking to enter the kingdom of heaven by easy believism means.

For the last ten years, I have been, all day, everyday, seeking to enter the kingdom of heaven. I have done much communicating with a Christian friend, whom I've worn out. One significant thing she has said is that I seem to be seeking salvation, but not the One Who saves.

Another friend of mine said that when he gave his life to Christ, he said, "Take me!" In my many, apparently false conversions, I have (I thought sincerely) cried the same thing. I have repeatedly "given my life to Christ," only to doubt I'm saved, later.

I have been going to a website that is, in part, about Christians who have OCD and keep doubting their salvation. I have communicated with the creator of the website via email. He, and some other people, are convinced my problem is OCD. I believe OCD is a part of my problem. But I not only have OCD, I have SD: Sinner Disorder.

I sometimes, so sincerely and self-convincingly, "give my life to Christ." But one major reason to doubt it later is that self remains firmly on the throne of my life. I think that to surrender to God/Christ is a major doing that I have not done yet. To do so is the hardest thing in the world. I just don't want to let go control of my life. I try to surrender, but apparently have never really done so. That's why I think I don't have a wedding garment on.

Just this morning, when I was reading the study bible notes on Matthew, I had an impression of what it would be like to surrender my will and life to God. It was an unbearably oppressive concept. I "couldn't" do it.

Click to expand...

Bob8102 said:

Many thanks to you and to the others who have responded. When I'm sure I'm saved, I resume my regular prayers. My set of regular prayers includes prayers for all people with whom I've had, or will have, some form of communication, even if only one time, one way. That includes anyone whose writing I have read a part of, or will read, and anyone who has read (or will read) anything I write.

When I doubt, I drop all activities that are not physically necessary (such as eating and sleeping) and resume, full time, seeking salvation. This cycle of faith and doubt is definitely OCD driven. I remind myself of a guy whom I talked with one time, whom I call "Josh-in-the-woods." He too had or has OCD. He said that, at an earlier time in his life, he would give his life to Christ, then, immediately, in the very next second, decide: "I'm OK with Jesus; now I'm going to do what I want." After this got repeated some number of times. he reached the point where all he could do was walk through the woods, eight hours a day, every day, saying, "Son of David, have mercy on me!"

Josh told me that eventually he went to a Christian psychiatrist, who asked him, "Do you believe God has sent you to me?" Josh replied, "Yes." The psych prescribed for him 300 mg/day of some medication. Since then, he has "come out of the woods," gone to work, gotten married and has at least one child. I had only one conversation with him, and have not been able to talk with him, since. I never got to ask him how he finally got assurance of salvation. Surely, taking meds does not give one assurance of salvation!

I know one can get saved in a moment. I have had a tendency to seek that "moment of salvation." Like my friend said, maybe I tend to seek salvation, not the One Who saves. But at times, I think I count the cost of following Jesus, like He says to do, and then sincerely give Him my life, or ask Him to "take me." But doubt always returns, shortly.

One of my problems is, I detect within me a cynical plan to give my life to Christ, then shortly afterward, relax and stop concerning myself so intently with whether or not I am in God's will, because, after all, I am "saved." Like Josh-in-the-woods. I realize one with a cynical approach like that is not going to get saved. On one hand, I think like that; OTOH, I have a plan/agenda/schedule which I plan to carry out if I am saved. This agenda includes regular, earthly productivity and activities, and Kingdom work. For instance, I propose "tithing" ten percent of my work time to do Kingdom activities. (Besides tithing any income.)

So I am a mixture of sincerely seeking, and cynically seeking. I know one can get saved in a moment; that is biblical. That is one incredible moment. I have a struggle with this concept: at conversion, one must sincerely dedicate their life to Jesus. Does that mean that Jesus "believes" your promise to follow Him the rest of your life, even if He knows full well that you may not do so? What if one follows Jesus for five minutes and then quits? I think that one who does that is not saved.

Faith without works is dead. If one is truly saved, good works are evident. (Unless you spend all day in the woods, saying, "Son of David, have mercy on me!") I have read, possibly in my study bible, that works are not the path to salvation, but the result of it. That begs the question, "What is the path to salvation?" I have gone online a number of times to read about the "Romans Road to Salvation." I try to follow that, but, as always, wonder, "Am I/was I truly sincere when I gave my life to Christ, or was I/am I a fake? Am I shallow soil or deep soil?"

So I strive to sincerely give my life to Jesus; I strive to "enter through the narrow gate." But Jesus is going to say to many people, "I never knew you. Go away from Me, you workers of iniquity." It looks like you could spend your life dedicated to God, and end up in hell.

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Bob8102 said:

In Matthew 22: 1-14, Jesus gives the parable of the wedding feast, where one guy showed up without a wedding garment on and was cast out. In 14, Jesus says "many are called but few are chosen." In my David Jeremiah Study Bible notes on this passage, it says, "To participate in the great feast of God, one must not only be invited, but also put on the King's wedding clothes - the righteousness of Christ, accepted by grace through faith. Those without such a garment, although called, reveal they are not chosen."

For ten years, I have been actively, full time, seeking to get saved by Jesus. I am 61 years old. I was not raised in a church-going, gospel-teaching family. In sixth grade, I attended a Baptist elementary school and heard the gospel for the first time. I remember sitting on the edge of my bed one time, during that school year, and asking Jesus to come into my heart. I even visualized Him doing so. (This visualization thing might be part of my problem.) But after sixth grade, I did not go to church nor Christian school. Then my older brother, who had severe mental problems like I now do, also, became a born again Christian and started talking to me about it. In tenth grade, a friend of his asked me, "If you were to die tonight and stand before God and He were to ask you, 'Why should I let you into my heaven?' what would you say?" I said that I would say, well, I once tried to accept Christ into my heart. Then I said, "Would that be enough or would I be on shaky ground?" The friend said, "You would be on VERY shaky ground."

Later, in another conversation, the same friend told me that I needed to give my life to Christ. Within, I felt no willingness to do so. I heard a voice in my head saying, "You don't have to." Though I knew whose voice that was, I clung to that concept, and did not give my life to Christ. Then came years of knowing I was not a Christian and not headed for heaven.

About ten years ago, I was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, for which I see a psychiatrist and take medication. Also about ten years ago, a Christian psychologist suggested I attend a certain weekly meeting. He also enticed me with "easy believism." Since then, I have apparently been seeking to enter the kingdom of heaven by easy believism means.

For the last ten years, I have been, all day, everyday, seeking to enter the kingdom of heaven. I have done much communicating with a Christian friend, whom I've worn out. One significant thing she has said is that I seem to be seeking salvation, but not the One Who saves.

Another friend of mine said that when he gave his life to Christ, he said, "Take me!" In my many, apparently false conversions, I have (I thought sincerely) cried the same thing. I have repeatedly "given my life to Christ," only to doubt I'm saved, later.

I have been going to a website that is, in part, about Christians who have OCD and keep doubting their salvation. I have communicated with the creator of the website via email. He, and some other people, are convinced my problem is OCD. I believe OCD is a part of my problem. But I not only have OCD, I have SD: Sinner Disorder.

I sometimes, so sincerely and self-convincingly, "give my life to Christ." But one major reason to doubt it later is that self remains firmly on the throne of my life. I think that to surrender to God/Christ is a major doing that I have not done yet. To do so is the hardest thing in the world. I just don't want to let go control of my life. I try to surrender, but apparently have never really done so. That's why I think I don't have a wedding garment on.

Just this morning, when I was reading the study bible notes on Matthew, I had an impression of what it would be like to surrender my will and life to God. It was an unbearably oppressive concept. I "couldn't" do it.

Click to expand...