Man, if we could just flip a switch and do it, we would. But it's a fair question. I think honestly, you have to make some mistakes first. I think you have to crash and burn, get humiliated, get your heart broke, put it on the line, and walk away empty handed a few times.
The last girl I mentioned here-- the one who cornered me into asking her out after being best friends for over a year, and then said she had been pretending to like me in the hopes that genuine feelings would develop-- and I know she wasn't the first-- nor even second-- crash and burn story I've shared with all yall in this thread over my what, five years here?
Anyways, my point is that the entire time I was getting close to her, I had "get out of your own way" in the back of my mind. I made it a point not to make the mistakes of my past, primarily, not to be paralyzed by fear. Where in the past I've let opportunities slip passed out of fear, or said no to things out of social anxiety, or been too afraid to ask someone to go see a movie or hang out or whatever.
As I fought against my inherent shyness and kept trying to get out of my own way and avoid my costly mistakes of the past, I found myself in diners, listening to 50's rock and roll and doo wop with a cute girl, at countless movies, whispering wise cracks and making her laugh, driving her all around the state, playing mini golf, and even laser tag... Yes, it ended quite badly, I'm well aware, but it was a Hell of a ride while it lasted, and it was only possible to get that close, by seeing my mistakes of the past and learning from them.
Hopefully I'll find another girl with a heart worth winning, and be able to get enough out of my own way to win it.
I WAS being deliberately provocative - I know I come off as rude sometimes, (very rude, actually) but it's all in the name of lighting a fire in someone. Is it right? Yeah, maybe for some. But I probably do just come off as a jerk to most. But it's all from a good place. It's just not in my nature to be fake.
I guess for me, my view is that confidence is cultivated (primarily) through your own passions, hobbies and interests. If you tighten up on all of those things and continue to develop yourself spiritually, then you will eventually arrive at a place where you like yourself - and I mean, REALLY like yourself. If you're good at art, or a brilliant song writer, then you're going to feel pretty good about yourself (and you should.) You might JUST be the shy or modest type, that's fine, don't change it. In the end it'll work to your advantage anyway. Arrogance is just so ugly.
I say it all the time: "work on yourself before you go looking for someone else" - which I know is my classic cop out response, and it might seem like a diversion from what you actually want, but if you're happy and proud with who you are, and you're pleased with what you're doing in life then you're going to generate attractive energy. Thriving people are always the most attractive people. And the thing is, everyone can do it at any time - no one is better than you in this world. And there are MANY slots that you can fill and make your own.
I know that you know all of this, but honestly, just be YOU man, and own it. I can never understand how the Mr Moe's of the world can lack so much confidence when they're brilliant writers, amazing artists and funnier than most comedians - if they let all of that just flow naturally, then they ARE without doubt going to get second, third and fourth dates. You have your own brilliance as well, and you don't need to go entertaining silly game playing girls. They should want to be coming to you, and that's not an arrogance thing either, it's just a question of authenticity and self awareness.
Focus on what's inside, never change. Not for anybody. It's probably going to take a few years but you'll realise one day that you DO deserve to be confident. As for those other girls? *shrugs* I've met plenty myself mate, and to be honest they missed out, just like yours did.
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