- Aug 27, 2017
- 19
- 20
- 36
- Country
- United States
- Faith
- Christian
- Marital Status
- In Relationship
I have recently developed a lot of guilt regarding my past sins. While I have confessed my sins to God and turned from them, I think writing this out may help some.
I have been heavily involved with sexual immorality in the past, as well as same sex relationships. I have had sex with about 15 people, some of the same gender. I was in a relationship with another woman for almost 4 years. I ended the relationship in May of 2018 after being convicted by God to do so. All throughout our relationship, I tried to get close with God but just couldn't seem to do so. I always felt a wall between us. My then girlfriend was agnostic and would say terrible things about my beliefs, calling me closed-minded and ignorant for believing in God. Near the end of our relationship, I began to attend church and pray regularly. My physical desire for her became less and less, and eventually I told her that we needed to break up. I am so thankful that God freed me from that relationship.
However, we were living together and she started dating/having sex with other people two weeks after we broke up. Instead of turning to God, I turned to sexual immorality to "get even" and make myself feel better. From May of 2018 until the end of the year, I pursued online dating and slept with numerous women. In August, I started to date a woman who was not a believer, constantly criticized me, ridiculed my beliefs, etc. I only continued to hang out with her because I needed a distraction. I would go out drinking with her every weekend even though I didn't want to. During the weekdays, I would work 8-6, come home for 1 hour, and then leave again to go hang out with her (I only did this about once a week). I had two dogs at the time who are/were the loves of my life. Instead of spending time with them, I would basically leave them at home alone for 16 hours aside from 1 hour at lunch with them and 1 hour after work (again, about once per week). She would get mad at me if I wanted to bring them over, because I would "give them attention" when I should be giving her attention (her exact words). She got me into smoking marijuana as well.
Thankfully I left that relationship and broke free from same sex relationships in February of this year. Since then I have not looked back and have absolutely no desire to date women. I actually now have a strong desire to marry a man and I am so incredibly thankful for God aligning my desires with His will for me.
However, there is a LOT of guilt surrounding my lifestyle last year. Aside from defiling my body and using people, I have a lot of guilt about leaving my dogs to go spend time with the woman who didn't care for them, and who was so toxic towards me. I can't take that back or get that time back with my pets. The guilt is stronger because one of my dogs who I had for over 12 years got sick this year and I had to put her to sleep in July. She was everything to me. If I had known that I had less than a year left with her, I would not have spent that time away from her. I feel sick when I think about it because of all the time I wasted when I should have put her first (after my relationship with God of course). If I HAD kept my focus on God, I wouldn't have this guilt right now. I could've put my energy into focusing on Christ and doing things with my dogs and friends. But I can't go back and the guilt is heavy. My mind just keeps flashing back to all the time I spent living in sin instead of focusing on God, and that ties into not spending time with my dog.
I know that Christ forgives me. And I know that I did spend PLENTY of time with my dog over the 12 years that I had her and made so many wonderful memories with her. This has been a major learning experience for me - 1, to not take my time for granted, especially with pets who don't live very long. 2, If my focus is on God, I will not have regrets, guilt, or what-ifs. I look back on my 20s and just wish so badly I could do it all over again and have stayed away from sexual immorality. But all I can do now is live my life completely and totally for God so that in another 10 years I don't look back and feel regretful. God is so incredibly good, but I am having a hard time breaking free from the guilt tied into the loss of my pet. It has only been a few months so I'm sure it is part of the grieving process. It just feels so heavy right now.
Any advice, words of wisdom, or just prayer would be greatly appreciated.
I have been heavily involved with sexual immorality in the past, as well as same sex relationships. I have had sex with about 15 people, some of the same gender. I was in a relationship with another woman for almost 4 years. I ended the relationship in May of 2018 after being convicted by God to do so. All throughout our relationship, I tried to get close with God but just couldn't seem to do so. I always felt a wall between us. My then girlfriend was agnostic and would say terrible things about my beliefs, calling me closed-minded and ignorant for believing in God. Near the end of our relationship, I began to attend church and pray regularly. My physical desire for her became less and less, and eventually I told her that we needed to break up. I am so thankful that God freed me from that relationship.
However, we were living together and she started dating/having sex with other people two weeks after we broke up. Instead of turning to God, I turned to sexual immorality to "get even" and make myself feel better. From May of 2018 until the end of the year, I pursued online dating and slept with numerous women. In August, I started to date a woman who was not a believer, constantly criticized me, ridiculed my beliefs, etc. I only continued to hang out with her because I needed a distraction. I would go out drinking with her every weekend even though I didn't want to. During the weekdays, I would work 8-6, come home for 1 hour, and then leave again to go hang out with her (I only did this about once a week). I had two dogs at the time who are/were the loves of my life. Instead of spending time with them, I would basically leave them at home alone for 16 hours aside from 1 hour at lunch with them and 1 hour after work (again, about once per week). She would get mad at me if I wanted to bring them over, because I would "give them attention" when I should be giving her attention (her exact words). She got me into smoking marijuana as well.
Thankfully I left that relationship and broke free from same sex relationships in February of this year. Since then I have not looked back and have absolutely no desire to date women. I actually now have a strong desire to marry a man and I am so incredibly thankful for God aligning my desires with His will for me.
However, there is a LOT of guilt surrounding my lifestyle last year. Aside from defiling my body and using people, I have a lot of guilt about leaving my dogs to go spend time with the woman who didn't care for them, and who was so toxic towards me. I can't take that back or get that time back with my pets. The guilt is stronger because one of my dogs who I had for over 12 years got sick this year and I had to put her to sleep in July. She was everything to me. If I had known that I had less than a year left with her, I would not have spent that time away from her. I feel sick when I think about it because of all the time I wasted when I should have put her first (after my relationship with God of course). If I HAD kept my focus on God, I wouldn't have this guilt right now. I could've put my energy into focusing on Christ and doing things with my dogs and friends. But I can't go back and the guilt is heavy. My mind just keeps flashing back to all the time I spent living in sin instead of focusing on God, and that ties into not spending time with my dog.
I know that Christ forgives me. And I know that I did spend PLENTY of time with my dog over the 12 years that I had her and made so many wonderful memories with her. This has been a major learning experience for me - 1, to not take my time for granted, especially with pets who don't live very long. 2, If my focus is on God, I will not have regrets, guilt, or what-ifs. I look back on my 20s and just wish so badly I could do it all over again and have stayed away from sexual immorality. But all I can do now is live my life completely and totally for God so that in another 10 years I don't look back and feel regretful. God is so incredibly good, but I am having a hard time breaking free from the guilt tied into the loss of my pet. It has only been a few months so I'm sure it is part of the grieving process. It just feels so heavy right now.
Any advice, words of wisdom, or just prayer would be greatly appreciated.