Need advice please

Greetings,

Timing is an integral part of happy relationships. If she’s communicated her lack of readiness due to negative experiences, that doesn’t diminish your bond or her desire for you. Especially in light of your circumstances.

What she may be communicating is the necessity for healing and release. Without it she’ll bring the unhealthy results of her abuse into the marriage. I think it’s very prudent to tackle this by the horns before you go any further.

Everyone has scars and baggage. Some things no longer affect us and others are under the surface. If you love her and are willing to wait. Give her your support and prayers.

~Bella

Twice in my life, I was fed the same line by two different women. Both of them started dating someone else within, well, weeks... But, as your tagline says: quote Scripture or your argument is invalid: I'll give you Ecclesiastes 11:1, cast your bread on water, for thou shalt find it after many days. Give her the space she's asking for and see where you two end up. Try dropping a word of encouragement in there every once so often.

Hopefully, Jesus' parable of the fig tree (Luke 13:6-9) does not show your character: This fig tree hasn't born fruit in 3 years: cut it down. Hopefully you will exhibit Christ's patience when He says, Let's wait another year and see if it bears fruit. If not, then we'll cut it down.

Oh, and btw: there is no Scripture that says you are unlovable, clingy, or stupid, so your argument is invalid.

NW82 said:

I said that in response to replies which have since been deleted. I don't expect anyone to understand what I'm feeling. I'm just trying to get a handle on how someone can say they romantically love another but say they don't want to be with them. This makes no logical sense to me at all.

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I kind of understand what you're going through. I used to talk with a girl from the Philippines, we got quite close and we both had feelings for each other. We even started to be in a committed relationship. However, I had to wait, because she wasn't ready yet.

She wanted to finish her college first and she had issues with her family as well. This all prevented that we were able to see each other in real life.

Unfortunately, we broke up and I also messed up and did something which hurt her a lot. Now we're not talking anymore as she needed space and time. In total I waited 3 years, only to see that I might not be going to see her in real life ever again. So I kind of get what you're going through.

All I can say is, love is patient. So I would suggest doing what the bible says and wait.

NW82 said:

I said that in response to replies which have since been deleted. I don't expect anyone to understand what I'm feeling. I'm just trying to get a handle on how someone can say they romantically love another but say they don't want to be with them. This makes no logical sense to me at all.

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There have been men in my life that I came to love after getting to know them - but I also don't want to be with them in marriage for varying reasons. Another example might be coming to love a non believer and knowing marriage isn't wise. When you say it's illogical to you, what you are saying is that you believe falling in love is the primary reason for marriage. You may want to reconsider that mindset. True love chooses what's best for the other person, and sometimes that means walking away from the relationship.

NW82 said:

Which is exactly why I'm in the position I'm in. I'm respecting what she told me she needs and abiding by her wishes. I was simply trying to understand her position, but all I get is negativity here, and that I should just be alone the rest of my life; in effect that's what people are telling me. So thanks, I'll just have to do that.

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no, that's not what people are saying.

From her point of view, coming into a new relationship when she has been abused in a previous relationship is a very steep hurdle to overcome. Let's break it down a bit.

First there is the trust issue.

For her, this is a huge jump, because she not only has to trust you, but she also has to recover her own confidence. She could well have trusted the other man, and been deceived. So potentially being in that same or similar situation is not what she's ready for yet.

Next is her vulnerability issue, then comes the disillusion, then the fear of being in an abusive situation again, then the nightmares, the shame, and the worry that her experience will taint both her and the marriage relationship.

Those are the reasons that she is asking for some time and space, so that she can get beyond everything that has happened to her, and so that it doesn't permanently scar her. That also means that she has hope that she can get beyond it, and that she's willing to try because she loves you.

That's a big plus in your favor.

Yes, abuse is a lot for anyone to handle much less recover from.
And yes, it will take time and lots of understanding for both of you.
But it is possible!