How do you deal with church peer pressure/church culture

jsimms615 said:

Part of the reason for this is because most church growth experts would say that if a person doesn't get plugged into small group or find a place where they can get to know people the less likely they are to remain a part of the church. Particularly in a larger church the pastor can't know everyone and therefore it is more important for church members to support each other. I would say that you shouldn't feel pressure to share anything you don't want to as that is your choice. You can always remain silent or just share something that really isn't that important to you.

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Sure, but there are lots of other ways to be involved that are more directly connected with the church’s mission. Choir, Bible study, service projects.

BluePearl said:

Hello,

I was looking on the internet about this issue and did not find much, so I thought maybe I could ask christianforums and get a few perspectives here: How do you deal gracefully with church peer pressure or church culture?


Sometimes at church I feel like they have certain expectations that I can't always reach immediately. I am coming out of a depression and I still need time to heal, but it seems like the message from the pastor often goes along the line of "if you are not doing ____, maybe you should ask yourself whether you are saved or not", and it always seems like they want to manipulate us into participating. It gets very demoralizing sometimes. For exemple, this time they want everyone to join small groups where they want us to share our troubles with others so that we can all support each other. I have declined all invitations because I am not comfortable with forcing myself into sharing my personal issues in a group setting. I only share with the people I am closest with. But people keep trying to pressure me into it. How many times can you say no before they stop pressuring you into it?

I know most of them are trying to convince me out of good intentions but what's good for some is not always good for everyone.

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I feel your pain. As someone who has been expelled from different fellowships, I can tell you there are 2 cultures Christians deal with: Kingdom culture and church culture. The two overlap, but are not necessarily the same.

Church culture is the opinion and conclusions of men on what it means to be in the kingdom of God. Kingdom culture is independent of men's understanding and is learned through the personal relationship and walk we have with Christ.

As you said, they have "good intentions". I would also add that there is much in Church culture that is kingdom culture because church culture has as its backbone the understandings of men who walked with Christ. So this is not something one should dismiss outright. That would be throwing the baby out with the bath water.

Maturity is needed in knowing how to graciously decline pressure from church members who think something is for your own good. Remember, Christ is your lord, not them. Christ is also your mentor, not them. Christ uses them as vessels of his mentorship, but they are still living gloves on the hand of God with wills of their own and can misapply the leading of the Spirit towards you.

Maturity, on your part, comes from stepping and standing, in faith in what you are convinced the Lord wants of you. Consider the fruit of the Spirit in those who seek your welfare. They will not pressure you nor condemn you. They will speak the truth in love but let the Lord work in you as He will. They will be gentle with you and understanding of where you are in Christ.

Seek the council of these people in your congregation, and let them be your guide on the Lord's behalf. Do not think that an office entitles them to tell you what to do.

When I went to Bible school, the congregation of the church I attended in Louisiana contributed to my first semester tuition, although the bulk came from other sources as well. When I graduated the pastor sent me a letter saying that I was his pastor and I had to return and work in his ministry. The problem I had with this letter is that I went to Dallas, TX to Bible School because I knew the Lord wanted me to go. And I had no word or sense that God wanted me to go back to Louisiana. In fact, he wanted me to stay because my future wife was here and I had not yet met her. I simply ignored the letter and said nothing more. I had already sent my gratitude and thanks for their contribution earlier.

My prayer is with you that you hear the Lord clearly and know for certainty what He wants of you.

I've yet to find a church that is comfortable with letting introverts fly under the radar, but there are a few strategies for prolonging the inevitable. It's easier to get lost in a crowd, so congregation size matters. Also, don't sit in the same pew every week. Sit in the back, but not all the way in the back. It's hard to get a fix on a mark in motion. Use the unconventional side exits, and tithe with cash. Checks work too. Envelopes can be problematic.

BluePearl said:

Hello,

I was looking on the internet about this issue and did not find much, so I thought maybe I could ask christianforums and get a few perspectives here: How do you deal gracefully with church peer pressure or church culture?


Sometimes at church I feel like they have certain expectations that I can't always reach immediately. I am coming out of a depression and I still need time to heal, but it seems like the message from the pastor often goes along the line of "if you are not doing ____, maybe you should ask yourself whether you are saved or not", and it always seems like they want to manipulate us into participating. It gets very demoralizing sometimes. For exemple, this time they want everyone to join small groups where they want us to share our troubles with others so that we can all support each other. I have declined all invitations because I am not comfortable with forcing myself into sharing my personal issues in a group setting. I only share with the people I am closest with. But people keep trying to pressure me into it. How many times can you say no before they stop pressuring you into it?

I know most of them are trying to convince me out of good intentions but what's good for some is not always good for everyone.

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Brother serotonin levels in the brain have nothing to do with sin. Be free beloved. Live your life. Christ has set you free from religion.

BluePearl said:

Hello,

I was looking on the internet about this issue and did not find much, so I thought maybe I could ask christianforums and get a few perspectives here: How do you deal gracefully with church peer pressure or church culture?


Sometimes at church I feel like they have certain expectations that I can't always reach immediately. I am coming out of a depression and I still need time to heal, but it seems like the message from the pastor often goes along the line of "if you are not doing ____, maybe you should ask yourself whether you are saved or not", and it always seems like they want to manipulate us into participating. It gets very demoralizing sometimes. For exemple, this time they want everyone to join small groups where they want us to share our troubles with others so that we can all support each other. I have declined all invitations because I am not comfortable with forcing myself into sharing my personal issues in a group setting. I only share with the people I am closest with. But people keep trying to pressure me into it. How many times can you say no before they stop pressuring you into it?

I know most of them are trying to convince me out of good intentions but what's good for some is not always good for everyone.

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Maybe you should look for another church. I avoid churches where the pastor says 'you this' and 'you that,' rather than 'we,' because we all deal with the same things down here, and when a pastor continually says 'you', I suspect it is a matter of pride, which is the opposite of humility, and if he is saying maybe you are not saved, it makes me wonder if maybe he is actually the one who is not really a believer.
Pastors can lead a lot of people astray, and the Bible says the church will become infiltrated with these.
And you do not ever have to share your personal problems with anyone who you do not trust completely: that is just not wise.

BluePearl said:

Hello,

I was looking on the internet about this issue and did not find much, so I thought maybe I could ask christianforums and get a few perspectives here: How do you deal gracefully with church peer pressure or church culture?


Sometimes at church I feel like they have certain expectations that I can't always reach immediately. I am coming out of a depression and I still need time to heal, but it seems like the message from the pastor often goes along the line of "if you are not doing ____, maybe you should ask yourself whether you are saved or not", and it always seems like they want to manipulate us into participating. It gets very demoralizing sometimes. For exemple, this time they want everyone to join small groups where they want us to share our troubles with others so that we can all support each other. I have declined all invitations because I am not comfortable with forcing myself into sharing my personal issues in a group setting. I only share with the people I am closest with. But people keep trying to pressure me into it. How many times can you say no before they stop pressuring you into it?

I know most of them are trying to convince me out of good intentions but what's good for some is not always good for everyone.

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I once had a pastor try to tell me it was ok to eat the bread of Christ while I'm still in adultery. I told him I cant couldn't because im still with that women and he said no you can go up. But I didnt go up. Also my new church i went to for a month the lead pastor of that church was trying to convince me that it was ok to get married to her after she gets divorced. I'm not going to go into detail because it's going off topic, but the pastor ment well in it, but I ended up switching churches. But the truth of the matter we should not take mans word over Gods word even if it looks so innocent. We are in charge of getting our own souls to heaven. If they cant respect your beliefs or no when you dont feel comfortable with something then it's time to find a different church.

BluePearl said:

Hello,

I was looking on the internet about this issue and did not find much, so I thought maybe I could ask christianforums and get a few perspectives here: How do you deal gracefully with church peer pressure or church culture?


Sometimes at church I feel like they have certain expectations that I can't always reach immediately. I am coming out of a depression and I still need time to heal, but it seems like the message from the pastor often goes along the line of "if you are not doing ____, maybe you should ask yourself whether you are saved or not", and it always seems like they want to manipulate us into participating. It gets very demoralizing sometimes. For exemple, this time they want everyone to join small groups where they want us to share our troubles with others so that we can all support each other. I have declined all invitations because I am not comfortable with forcing myself into sharing my personal issues in a group setting. I only share with the people I am closest with. But people keep trying to pressure me into it. How many times can you say no before they stop pressuring you into it?

I know most of them are trying to convince me out of good intentions but what's good for some is not always good for everyone.

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Does going to church save someone? No .... Jesus does. Does participating in groups save someone? No .... Jesus does.

Thanks for the invitation but I am not interested in attending right now. If I change my mind in the future ... I know it's available.

I feel confident these people mean well.

One can participate in such activities without unloading their dirty laundry. As one who has struggled with depression, I found helping others in settings like this helped my condition greatly. It's hard to feel worthless when someone else is clearly helped by something you are doing, even if you are just listening.

BluePearl said:

Hello,

I was looking on the internet about this issue and did not find much, so I thought maybe I could ask christianforums and get a few perspectives here: How do you deal gracefully with church peer pressure or church culture?


Sometimes at church I feel like they have certain expectations that I can't always reach immediately. I am coming out of a depression and I still need time to heal, but it seems like the message from the pastor often goes along the line of "if you are not doing ____, maybe you should ask yourself whether you are saved or not", and it always seems like they want to manipulate us into participating. It gets very demoralizing sometimes. For exemple, this time they want everyone to join small groups where they want us to share our troubles with others so that we can all support each other. I have declined all invitations because I am not comfortable with forcing myself into sharing my personal issues in a group setting. I only share with the people I am closest with. But people keep trying to pressure me into it. How many times can you say no before they stop pressuring you into it?

I know most of them are trying to convince me out of good intentions but what's good for some is not always good for everyone.

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The fact of the matter is that the majority of churches still have
issues with gossip so..........
you are being wise to not want to join a small group yet until you
perhaps get to the place where you would want to be completely open
about your past.

Each case is unique and not all of us can be as open about our errors as
Evangelist Todd White has been about his twenty two years as a drug addict.

His testimony and sermons were extremely helpful to our daughter in her making
her decision to accept Messiah Yeshua - Jesus as her saviour but......
you do not have to be any sort of clone of Todd White or anybody else...... your own relationship with Messiah Yeshua - Jesus is your business.

I would not give up on the church though even though they may be making an error in your case because these small groups frankly may work for more than eighty percent of people and may work for you perhaps five or ten years from now?????

BluePearl said:

Thank you all for your prayers and comments, I think I see it much more clearly now. I had stopped going to church for many years because of these manipulation pressure techniques we were subjected to in my childhood church. In the end, when I decided to come back I preatty much chose the same type of church I had been used to in my past, but it took me 4 years to realize it because of the more subtle way they do it, and also because I don't want to admit that they are no good for me. God has been showing me the co-dependance on which the churches I got involved with are built upon, and He has been showing me resources to learn about getting healed of co-dependance. I had on my heart for a while now that I should change churches and I think this preatty much supports that idea. I already have one I want to go to.

Thank you all for your answers. I hope this comment is not too much information. This is usually what people shut me down for in these churches.

Thank you

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From 1972 (when I was thirteen) until 1991 I only noticed one church, The Worldwide Church of God. Once I broke with them over the Soul Sleep doctrine though I church hopped for nearly a decade and this was a very good experience for me. I found that there seems to be a core group within each congregation who seem to be prayer warriors and are on fire and obviously filled with the Holy Spirit although of course each denomination has a different flavour and somewhat different approach to evangelism.

BluePearl said:

I agree that the small group thing is no reason to leave, what I am upset about is how they will push us to do things by telling us that if we don’t want to follow their plans/activities/agenda, than it might just mean that we are not real christians/saved. It happens on a regular basis.

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This book is not for everybody but I have read this book and listened to this over and over again and it really helped me a lot to look at my own life and my time in several former church homes very differently. The most relevant part of this book for me began after the 2:19:35 mark:


TextVideo: The Final Quest by Rick Joyner

I know what you mean. I was just talking to my mom this week that my pastor tries to guilt people into activities and acts like you don't have your priorities straight if you want to go to church and worship, but then go home without joining other groups and activities. I have been away from church for awhile, and on my return visit last weekend was confronted at the door when leaving with my mother about volunteering that day for 2 hours, which was awkward since I wasn't able to do it. I found it rude myself.

The best thing I can advise is just say no if you can't do it, and don't worry about it. Churches want to grow by having a lot of programs and extras, but not every member has time, energy, or inclination to get involved with all of that, so you should not be pressured into this. There's nothing wrong with only being interested in going to church for worship and fellowship during services.

BluePearl said:

God has been showing me the co-dependance on which the churches I got involved with are built upon, and He has been showing me resources to learn about getting healed of co-dependance.

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I’m happy to hear you’ve heeded the Lord. Co-dependence can be difficult to relinquish but you’ve taken an important step in freeing yourself from its clutches.

I hope your next church is spirit-filled and loving. Ask the Lord to send godly companions who’ll strengthen your walk without exploiting your vulnerabilities.

I’ve had co-dependent friends. Reminding them of their strengths and helping to stand on their own is very important. There is life beyond that place. Keep the faith.

~Bella

BluePearl said:

I agree that the small group thing is no reason to leave, what I am upset about is how they will push us to do things by telling us that if we don’t want to follow their plans/activities/agenda, than it might just mean that we are not real christians/saved. It happens on a regular basis.

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Any church that alludes to "if you don't follow their groups/activities/way of doing things, etc, then you may not be saved" is ungodly and I would have no part in it.

It is Wrong and unBiblical.

DennisTate said:

From 1972 (when I was thirteen) until 1991 I only noticed one church, The Worldwide Church of God. Once I broke with them over the Soul Sleep doctrine though I church hopped for nearly a decade and this was a very good experience for me. I found that there seems to be a core group within each congregation who seem to be prayer warriors and are on fire and obviously filled with the Holy Spirit although of course each denomination has a different flavour and somewhat different approach to evangelism.

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I think God is in ultimate control of where we end up, not just in our local fellowship, but as far as our individual beliefs and doctrines. I think God creates various factions of Christianity because of the fact that no one group has all the answers. If they did, they would be so filled with pride that they would disqualify themselves as satan did. Knowledge puffs up the Bible says. I found that the most doctrinal churches, that are the closest in doctrine to the bible, fail in love and acceptance of others who disagree with them. They seem to be very snobby in a way of other types of perspectives. But on the other hand I like what I see in Hillsong. They have a purity of holiness, but in a way that is not Judgemental. If you ask the core leaders, they are pentecostal in theology, but don't judge people who reject the rapture or gifts of the spirit for example. Again God is ultimately in control of everyone's theology. He will correct that one day. We can talk it out while not condemning others not like us. We need to be more unified, and focus on our similarities not our differences. That one thing would cause revival.

I feel there are two sides to this. ONe side of dont let the church force you into something you dont want to do has been covered fairly well.

The other side is that i have always found that if small groups are allowed to develop over a long period a level of trust forms within the group that allows the sharing of intimate feelings. You said you feel forced into a setting where you have to share your personal issues, but if you attend you should also be able to only share what you are comfortable sharing.

Its up to you to decide if you are prepared to take the time to form these relationships and/or whether this is the right church for you.

(from above) ".. small groups are allowed to develop over a long period a level of trust forms within the group that allows the sharing of intimate feelings" that is true, and so this is true of 'friendship'. Friendship is so underrated and ignored within the institutional 'Church' framework and Theology. Yet I believe friendship is the highest form of Christianity and it was the glue that grew between Jesus and the disciples.
In contrast to friendships that naturally develop during 'bible' study and fellowship activities, we have churches that assume most people need to be in these small groups for therapy rather than just getting to know one another through the lighter interaction of bible study material - bible study that focuses on getting the writers intention, context and original meaning rather than turning scripture and bible studies into self help psychology, trauma, addiction, recovery, counseling, groups. Jesus' and the disciples taught scripture, developed friendships and if they wanted to go into counseling that was called starting a 'para ministry' it was not the intent of the Church to focus on being our own psychologists and psychiatrists.

zelosravioli said:

(from above) ".. small groups are allowed to develop over a long period a level of trust forms within the group that allows the sharing of intimate feelings" that is true, and so this is true of 'friendship'. Friendship is so underrated and ignored within the institutional 'Church' framework and Theology. Yet I believe friendship is the highest form of Christianity and it was the glue that grew between Jesus and the disciples.
In contrast to friendships that naturally develop during 'bible' study and fellowship activities, we have churches that assume most people need to be in these small groups for therapy rather than just getting to know one another through the lighter interaction of bible study material - bible study that focuses on getting the writers intention, context and original meaning rather than turning scripture and bible studies into self help psychology, trauma, addiction, recovery, counseling, groups. Jesus' and the disciples taught scripture, developed friendships and if they wanted to go into counseling that was called starting a 'para ministry' it was not the intent of the Church to focus on being our own psychologists and psychiatrists.

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I posted this as I have always found that there is something beneficial in having a group within the church that allows for a more intimate spiritual openness in true Christian fellowship. Its a different relationship to that with friends that is based purely on being fellow believers. It also allows people from different backgrounds and perspectives to share about whatever the situation is. I have complex PTSD and fibromyalgia as a result of a childhood of constant violence and psychological abuse so feel I am well placed to give a view on this. I found that being able to share in a Christian environment and receiving regular prayer in this environment was more beneficial to my healing than all of the therapy I have had over the years.