How do I respond to my 'divorce minded' friend?

thisgal said:

I have a girl friend who has been complaining and venting to me about her husband & marriage for at least 2 years. She's constantly sending me articles or little quotes to support her perspective that she shouldn't stay in the relationship. She claims he's a narcissist, autistic, alcoholic, into inappropriate content, had an emotional affair, .... on and on. She shares the same stories with me repeatedly and claims I'm the only one she tells these things to because I live out of state and she doesn't want to come across as bad talking her husband to her local circle. I'm not one to offer divorce as a solution, but after so long of this I asked why she hasn't left him yet and she always has some excuse..... unable to provide for the kids alone, the stigma, her reputation, etc. etc.

This is a friend I dearly love, but it gets to be too much. I had warned her it was too soon to marry him when they got engaged. She's admitted she rushed into it and it was a mistake. During our last conversation, I interrupted one of her repeated stories and told her she's fully and completely analyzed the situation and asked what she's decided to do about it. She said she wants to seek Separation so I basically gave her homework - asked her to send me a list of what needs to be set in place for her to get the papers going for that.

At first I would ask questions and try to offer solutions to the issues that would come up, eventually I figured she was just venting for sympathy so I quit giving ideas and just lent a listening ear. I'm just so worn down from it all. Is there a better way I can respond to my friend? I don't think divorce is the answer but sometimes I just want to go break them up myself just to move on!

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Hi thisgal,

I can imagine how exhausted you are over this. To answer your question specifically of, "Is there a better way I can respond to my friend," = Yes, there is.

You need to be honest with her and tell her that after hearing her complaints for two years now, it is emotionally exhausting for you to continue being her venting buddy. Tell her you will pray for her regularly (and then do that), but if she is genuinely unhappy in her marriage, tell her to seek professional, biblical counseling to help her (or them, if her husband is willing to go also) navigate through the myriad of issues they have. Beyond that, it sounds to me like you've done all you can do.

I sympathize with you in this. You have tried to be a shoulder to lean on, to give serious advice, and more. But now about all you can do is politely say you are unable to suggest anything that hasn't been suggested already...and then stop fielding her questions and offering possible courses of action.

Just shrug and say you don't know what more to suggest (or something in that vein).

If you are lucky she won't feel cast adrift by her friend who obviously still cares, but she will understand that the ball really is in her own court. This might take a little while to pull off, however, so try not to expect her to stop depending on you right away.

thisgal said:

Is there a better way I can respond to my friend?

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I'm praying for you, for your friend, and most of all for the children involved.

The children are the real victims in all this.

Tell you friend to make every decision based on what's best for the children.

Greetings,

Mary DeMuth addressed this scenario in her book, The Seven Deadly Friendships, and I nearly posted the quote last night.

You can’t be the lone ear for her problems, discontent, and burdens. You can’t carry that. Only Jesus can. She needs to turn to Him and pour out her concerns. We weren’t meant to be pseudo saviors for our friends. God fills that place.

I think it’s best to direct her to prayer and spiritual counseling. If she’s ready to change they’ll assist her. If she isn’t they’ll confront it. You’ve served her well. You can’t do it all.

~Bella

Counseling! Yes, either spiritual or professional. That's a reasonable suggestion that shouldn't alienate the friend but could shift the listening ear to someone else without it looking like you are doing exactly that--and it might really help her.

Maybe, then, it's time to point out that counselors are trained in these things while you are not, and you are merely wanting the best for her as she deals with such a difficult challenge.

thisgal said:

Is there a better way I can respond to my friend? I don't think divorce is the answer but sometimes I just want to go break them up myself just to move on!

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Sometimes someone can be "won without a word"/ and so many times they won't listen to words/ ...

Perhaps the books "TOTAL JOY" and "TOTAL WOMAN", which I think are still available and not expensive,
would be good gifts to her? (by Marabel something)
They are wonderful examples and simple principles/ lessons/ FROM SCRIPTURE. (not man's ideas)

Of course, if someone rejects Scripture, they will suffer , as God Says Always.

thisgal said:

Thank you, I have on several occasions encouraged her to speak with someone locally, a counselor of some kind. She did go, ONCE, but said she didn't really share everything that was going on. I really wish she would keep going and be willing to be completely open.

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You’re welcome.

Oftentimes solutions aren’t the goal. The person wants to be heard. There is a place for that in our friendships. But we’re not expected to enable bad behavior or validate ideas that transgress God’s word.

You have a steady stream of unwholesome messages pouring in your ear. Her ideas regarding marriage are contrary to the Lord’s. This is not ideal for a single person and I’ve experienced it firsthand.

She smothered me. Her desire for attention and closeness was great. Marital problems led her to fill the void for companionship through others.

She phoned every day and wanted to see me all the time. I felt wearied and depressed. The complaints and criticism left me frustrated and annoyed. Every call dampened my mood.

She was loving and kindhearted. But the neediness and negativity were too much. And her openness regarding her husband violated my sense of propriety and respect. She laid him bare to others and that bothered me a lot.

I’ve never been that overwhelmed and wearied. The pressure and demands for more can never be sated. Its a sink hole of need and I’ve encountered others like that.

But I recognize my limitations and the issues I’m equipped to minister to and those beyond my scope. I don’t take on things I can’t handle. Its unfair to both.

It’s probable your kindness and empathy are the draw. You have to put your foot down and set boundaries. I’d encourage you to seek the Lord’s input on your connections going forward. Ask for intentional friendships that glorify Him.

~Bella

thisgal said:

Yes! Sometimes it's terribly disheartening for me to hear her go on like that as a single person who desires marriage.

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That isn’t an edifying discussion for a single and you probably aren’t the best person to minister to her for those reasons.

My friend had married friends. But I had the flexibility and freedom they lacked. It’s fine to have married companions. But they should be good examples of godly womanliness and exhibit marital fidelity in their countenance.

No one is perfect. Eating from a tree that disparages the thing you seek isn’t beneficial. I learned to consider my friendships carefully. I’ve made mistakes since that time and adjust my boundaries and principles as appropriate.

I think you’d get a lot from the book I mentioned. It’s very good. If you’re in the US and have a library card you can find it on Hoopla Digital. I’m reading a similar title for men to help my future spouse in this area as needed.

Her advice to me is always of the "better single than in a bad marriage" kind and I think.... isn't having a good marriage an option?

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You will hear similar comments frequently. Many don’t speak of happy marriages. But they exist! I worked on a book launch project for this subject. The Happy Wives Club by Fawn Weaver covers the topic in depth.

She found happily married women around the world and shared their advice with us. I heard from others who experienced the same. Happy marriages require two partners with a God centered perspective who are determined to love, serve, and forgive without ceasing.

I feed on resources that support this mindset and ignore those that don’t.

However, I am beginning to wonder if she's not her own biggest problem - always making herself the victim. She's even made comments as a Believer blaming God for these problems when she clearly made a poor choice of partner.

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That is the crux of your issue. If she’s unable to accept responsibility for her behavior, won’t own her decisions, and is blaming God. How can you move the stone in her heart? Only He can.

You can pray for healing and deliverance on her behalf for unforgiveness, rejection, blame, deception, and hard heartedness.

Sometimes the loving response is taking our hands off and giving way to God. Scapegoats are easier to face than ones brokenness. She needs to come home to Him and herself.

~Bella

thisgal said:

I have a girl friend who has been complaining and venting to me about her husband & marriage for at least 2 years.

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What does her church have to say about it? Has she gone to the church leaders for counselling? God Bless

thisgal said:

I have a girl friend who has been complaining and venting to me about her husband & marriage for at least 2 years. She's constantly sending me articles or little quotes to support her perspective that she shouldn't stay in the relationship. She claims he's a narcissist, autistic, alcoholic, into inappropriate content, had an emotional affair, .... on and on. She shares the same stories with me repeatedly and claims I'm the only one she tells these things to because I live out of state and she doesn't want to come across as bad talking her husband to her local circle. I'm not one to offer divorce as a solution, but after so long of this I asked why she hasn't left him yet and she always has some excuse..... unable to provide for the kids alone, the stigma, her reputation, etc. etc.

This is a friend I dearly love, but it gets to be too much. I had warned her it was too soon to marry him when they got engaged. She's admitted she rushed into it and it was a mistake. During our last conversation, I interrupted one of her repeated stories and told her she's fully and completely analyzed the situation and asked what she's decided to do about it. She said she wants to seek Separation so I basically gave her homework - asked her to send me a list of what needs to be set in place for her to get the papers going for that.

At first I would ask questions and try to offer solutions to the issues that would come up, eventually I figured she was just venting for sympathy so I quit giving ideas and just lent a listening ear. I do care about what she's going through, but I'm just so worn down from it all. Is there a better way I can respond to my friend? I don't think divorce is the answer but sometimes I just want to go break them up myself just to move on!

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I think it would be good to recommend counselling. In that environment she can express her frustrations directly to her husband. Hopefully this will bring some change into his life.

thisgal said:

she's very uncomfortable talking to anyone there

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Well, if she is right about how he is wrong, it is possible the leaders were wrong to make him a leader. And they might not be qualified > 1 Timothy 3:1-10 < if they could not tell the difference and made him a leader. And people can stay in churches with wrong leaders so they have their excuse to keep to themselves and do what they want.

I think she needs to talk with a mature Christian couple who has learned how to love and relate in marriage, and can share the word with her about how she needs to become and relate as family with God's people, not only in her own marriage.

You can encourage her to talk about what God's word says to her as a person, how she needs to trust God to change her and have her sharing with Him and sharing as family with different Christian people who are a good example for her. If she does not want to do this with you, you can excuse yourself from her, saying this is what you need to do with whoever does want this. And do you have a group who does this, by the way?? They can help you with this woman.

But in case she does not have any person, at all, where she is, whom she trusts > this can mean she is the real problem. And talking only about her husband can be a trick to keep her attention away from God and trusting Him to do all He is able to do in her and her life.

And if she can get the better of you, with her negative stuff, there can be things you need to do, also, that she needs to do . . . so a wrong person can not have power over you.

I have had various situations in which people were a problem for me. And I could stew about it and imagine all kinds of problems and ways of controlling problem people, and putting them down and controlling them. I could walk in circles for hours, having imagination conversations and fights in my mind.

But then it could come to me, something like, "This is not how Jesus has you loving people."

"Oh-h-h. That's right. I need to love the way Jesus on the cross loved me > Ephesians 5:2."

So, I would be quiet and trust God to correct me, and then I would be caring about problem people in prayer for them to be blessed. And I would trust God to make me His example to help the person.

What helps is I trust God about anything or anyone a problem person threatens to take from me. I will not allow that thing or person to be used to keep me under the power of fear and unforgiveness, and I will not let an evil person use anything or any person, to control me > "I will not be brought under the power of any." (in 1 Corinthians 6:12)

If we stay submissive to God in His peace, then nothing and no one can be held hostage in order to make us meet the demands of a wrong person.

But trust God >

"casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you." (1 Peter 5:7)

And by the time I am being prayerful, I am in God's peace and how our Creator's peace makes us creative in how to love any person, and how to see things.

"And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which also you were called in one body; and be thankful." (Colossians 3:15)

It's not beyond God's ability to heal and make healthy. That being said:

- Acknowledge her pain, and don't trivialize it. Make sure that you're acknowledging the efforts she has taken to try and restore the marriage.

- Don't speak beyond your relationship. Very close friends have more relational capital with which they can share harder truths. Which isn't to say push your luck, at all. Rather, be mindful of your relationship.

- Make sure you are communicating an intent of love for the person, and reverence for God as your motivation. The frequency and manner in which we talk to people about their sins can communicate (or reveal!) wrong motives. If you're harping on her whenever you see her, it can seem like you putting yourself above her, or that you're only seeing that sin when you see her. And of course never talking about it is negligent, and may communicate going along with it ("silence means consent").

- Pray for her. Do so enough, and your love for her will grow, which will grow the tenderness in which you speak to her.

I am in a similar situation to you, but my friend and her husband have separated. She continues to go on and on about the matter. I've gone through this myself, but I was careful not to share TMI with my friends and family, so I saw a counsellor.

How well do you value this friendship?

I think you need to put some boundaries in place. I switch all of my phones off so I don't have to answer my friend's calls and I don't respond to her messages promptly.

It seems like you have given your input/advice and she's not listening and yes, just wanting sympathy.

You might need to really put up some tight boundaries to protect the friendship or protect yourself.

It sounds like you have had enough. When this happens, put up the boundaries, otherwise you might regret saying something that could be hurtful to her.

I understand where you are coming from.

Oh...and pray for her.

Sounds like you are a nice friend, but she isn't respecting your boundaries. She won't change that but you can

You could recommend that she engage people who can discuss her situation and provide experienced advice. The forums at marriagebuilders.com are great for helping people do everything they can do to save their marriages.