At the age of 16, I moved in with my dad and gave my life to the Lord. I spent another four years in church, yet my life wasn't radically changed. By age 20, I has racked up debt and was sleeping around. I had also been dealing with a inappropriate content battle from the age of 10 or 12. Shortly after I was excommunicated from my Baptist Church. After first, I felt a weight lifted. I was able to go do what I wanted without the tether of the church. After four months, my dad shared the gospel with me again and told me I was going to hell. I remember it so clearly, I had a panic attack. Hell had never became so really. I went home living in fear, anxiety, and pain. I could almost feel the flames. After two weeks, I started reading scripture and sermons. I prayed and prayed for Jesus to save me. I prayed that over and over again. That next week, I heard this voice telling me to go speak with an old pastor of mine at another church. I didn't know what it was. I wrote it off as something random. A few days later, I heard the same prompting, it said the same thing. So I listened and went. My old pastor saw change and invited me to his church. We fought for a year to reconcile with the church that excommunicated me but they never received me back.
This is where the real trouble started and has plagued for twelve years. I started hearing things in my mind I had never thought or heard before. They were great doubts about my salvation. I remember thinking they were not my own. These lies/doubts plagued me. It caused so much fear and anxiety inside. So I started studying God's word salvation. I read through 1 John and felt I has conquered those thoughts. A week later, other thoughts started plaguing me. These were so much worse. Thoughts of, you don't believe in God, God isn't real. When I would read scripture, these things would pop in. Again, I felt like they weren't my own thoughts. Something always inside telling me these were false. These were not coming from me. But, they again caused me so much fear and anxiety. Fast forward a few years, I got a clear calling from God to go into the Navy. With some work, I sold everything and joined. While I was in, I injured my legs and was extremely homesick. I was given the chance to be discharged medically. I took it and was sent home. I was so sad and disappointed. I felt I has let God down and everyone else. Fearing the plaguing thoughts and the anquish that would come, I ran from God. I hid in the world and for the most part, those thoughts disappeared. I went through a lot in six years, but felt it was time to start seeking the Lord again. I remember thinking I had to persue the Navy to find God again. At this time I met my future wife. We have been married for four years now. God told me in this small still voice, you don't have to join the Navy, He is already with me. So I gave up on the pursuit.
The next four years would plagued with those same thoughts, my inappropriate content addiction was rampant, and I was causing us to go into debt. Through those 4 years, that voice telling me these were false blurred a bit. I stopped hearing that voice but the plaguing doubts still loomed as a dark cloud poisoning my mind. This brings me to today. I started really seeking after the God again. I heard him speaking to me and telling what I must do. I have been following him but these thoughts loomed. I got to the point where i felt it was time to face the thoughts/lies/doubts and bring them into the light. For 12 years I hid from them, afraid and in deep pain over them. This is about the same time I started to take cbd oil to help me focus and relax. I didn't know it was laced with THC. This landed me in the hospital with the worst case of anxiety I had every felt. The anxiety and pain was so bad, I couldn't hear anything good or positive. I was thinking of suicide because it was so bad. Now a week later I am still affected by this. I am of the mindset that God has allowed me to go through this to finally seek help. Though the doubts/lies/thoughts are ever strong. They are leaving me wonder if I truly believe in God, or if I'm saved. This is so painful, I can't function. All color has gone out of things. I feel broken and lefting bleeding. I can't see how I could possibly make it through this. I know I have to face this things. I know that is what God wants. But there is so much pain and doubt. This has never made total since to me. Why has this plagued me uncontrollably for so long? I know we have an enemy of our souls, always looking to destroy us. But why has this plagued me and why has it never let up?
I'm so terrified to face this. I see anxiety as big problem in my life. Fear is also a problem. I am seeking help with my anxiety through my doctor. I will be seeing a counselor tomorrow. I feel like there is no hope for me. Do you have any insights? Please help! Thank you.
This is where the real trouble started and has plagued for twelve years. I started hearing things in my mind I had never thought or heard before. They were great doubts about my salvation. I remember thinking they were not my own. These lies/doubts plagued me. It caused so much fear and anxiety inside. So I started studying God's word salvation. I read through 1 John and felt I has conquered those thoughts. A week later, other thoughts started plaguing me. These were so much worse. Thoughts of, you don't believe in God, God isn't real. When I would read scripture, these things would pop in. Again, I felt like they weren't my own thoughts. Something always inside telling me these were false. These were not coming from me. But, they again caused me so much fear and anxiety. Fast forward a few years, I got a clear calling from God to go into the Navy. With some work, I sold everything and joined. While I was in, I injured my legs and was extremely homesick. I was given the chance to be discharged medically. I took it and was sent home. I was so sad and disappointed. I felt I has let God down and everyone else. Fearing the plaguing thoughts and the anquish that would come, I ran from God. I hid in the world and for the most part, those thoughts disappeared. I went through a lot in six years, but felt it was time to start seeking the Lord again. I remember thinking I had to persue the Navy to find God again. At this time I met my future wife. We have been married for four years now. God told me in this small still voice, you don't have to join the Navy, He is already with me. So I gave up on the pursuit.
The next four years would plagued with those same thoughts, my inappropriate content addiction was rampant, and I was causing us to go into debt. Through those 4 years, that voice telling me these were false blurred a bit. I stopped hearing that voice but the plaguing doubts still loomed as a dark cloud poisoning my mind. This brings me to today. I started really seeking after the God again. I heard him speaking to me and telling what I must do. I have been following him but these thoughts loomed. I got to the point where i felt it was time to face the thoughts/lies/doubts and bring them into the light. For 12 years I hid from them, afraid and in deep pain over them. This is about the same time I started to take cbd oil to help me focus and relax. I didn't know it was laced with THC. This landed me in the hospital with the worst case of anxiety I had every felt. The anxiety and pain was so bad, I couldn't hear anything good or positive. I was thinking of suicide because it was so bad. Now a week later I am still affected by this. I am of the mindset that God has allowed me to go through this to finally seek help. Though the doubts/lies/thoughts are ever strong. They are leaving me wonder if I truly believe in God, or if I'm saved. This is so painful, I can't function. All color has gone out of things. I feel broken and lefting bleeding. I can't see how I could possibly make it through this. I know I have to face this things. I know that is what God wants. But there is so much pain and doubt. This has never made total since to me. Why has this plagued me uncontrollably for so long? I know we have an enemy of our souls, always looking to destroy us. But why has this plagued me and why has it never let up?
I'm so terrified to face this. I see anxiety as big problem in my life. Fear is also a problem. I am seeking help with my anxiety through my doctor. I will be seeing a counselor tomorrow. I feel like there is no hope for me. Do you have any insights? Please help! Thank you.
