gore2828

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At the age of 16, I moved in with my dad and gave my life to the Lord. I spent another four years in church, yet my life wasn't radically changed. By age 20, I has racked up debt and was sleeping around. I had also been dealing with a inappropriate content battle from the age of 10 or 12. Shortly after I was excommunicated from my Baptist Church. After first, I felt a weight lifted. I was able to go do what I wanted without the tether of the church. After four months, my dad shared the gospel with me again and told me I was going to hell. I remember it so clearly, I had a panic attack. Hell had never became so really. I went home living in fear, anxiety, and pain. I could almost feel the flames. After two weeks, I started reading scripture and sermons. I prayed and prayed for Jesus to save me. I prayed that over and over again. That next week, I heard this voice telling me to go speak with an old pastor of mine at another church. I didn't know what it was. I wrote it off as something random. A few days later, I heard the same prompting, it said the same thing. So I listened and went. My old pastor saw change and invited me to his church. We fought for a year to reconcile with the church that excommunicated me but they never received me back.

This is where the real trouble started and has plagued for twelve years. I started hearing things in my mind I had never thought or heard before. They were great doubts about my salvation. I remember thinking they were not my own. These lies/doubts plagued me. It caused so much fear and anxiety inside. So I started studying God's word salvation. I read through 1 John and felt I has conquered those thoughts. A week later, other thoughts started plaguing me. These were so much worse. Thoughts of, you don't believe in God, God isn't real. When I would read scripture, these things would pop in. Again, I felt like they weren't my own thoughts. Something always inside telling me these were false. These were not coming from me. But, they again caused me so much fear and anxiety. Fast forward a few years, I got a clear calling from God to go into the Navy. With some work, I sold everything and joined. While I was in, I injured my legs and was extremely homesick. I was given the chance to be discharged medically. I took it and was sent home. I was so sad and disappointed. I felt I has let God down and everyone else. Fearing the plaguing thoughts and the anquish that would come, I ran from God. I hid in the world and for the most part, those thoughts disappeared. I went through a lot in six years, but felt it was time to start seeking the Lord again. I remember thinking I had to persue the Navy to find God again. At this time I met my future wife. We have been married for four years now. God told me in this small still voice, you don't have to join the Navy, He is already with me. So I gave up on the pursuit.

The next four years would plagued with those same thoughts, my inappropriate content addiction was rampant, and I was causing us to go into debt. Through those 4 years, that voice telling me these were false blurred a bit. I stopped hearing that voice but the plaguing doubts still loomed as a dark cloud poisoning my mind. This brings me to today. I started really seeking after the God again. I heard him speaking to me and telling what I must do. I have been following him but these thoughts loomed. I got to the point where i felt it was time to face the thoughts/lies/doubts and bring them into the light. For 12 years I hid from them, afraid and in deep pain over them. This is about the same time I started to take cbd oil to help me focus and relax. I didn't know it was laced with THC. This landed me in the hospital with the worst case of anxiety I had every felt. The anxiety and pain was so bad, I couldn't hear anything good or positive. I was thinking of suicide because it was so bad. Now a week later I am still affected by this. I am of the mindset that God has allowed me to go through this to finally seek help. Though the doubts/lies/thoughts are ever strong. They are leaving me wonder if I truly believe in God, or if I'm saved. This is so painful, I can't function. All color has gone out of things. I feel broken and lefting bleeding. I can't see how I could possibly make it through this. I know I have to face this things. I know that is what God wants. But there is so much pain and doubt. This has never made total since to me. Why has this plagued me uncontrollably for so long? I know we have an enemy of our souls, always looking to destroy us. But why has this plagued me and why has it never let up?

I'm so terrified to face this. I see anxiety as big problem in my life. Fear is also a problem. I am seeking help with my anxiety through my doctor. I will be seeing a counselor tomorrow. I feel like there is no hope for me. Do you have any insights? Please help! Thank you.
 

tdidymas

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At the age of 16, I moved in with my dad and gave my life to the Lord. I spent another four years in church, yet my life wasn't radically changed. By age 20, I has racked up debt and was sleeping around. I had also been dealing with a inappropriate content battle from the age of 10 or 12. Shortly after I was excommunicated from my Baptist Church. After first, I felt a weight lifted. I was able to go do what I wanted without the tether of the church. After four months, my dad shared the gospel with me again and told me I was going to hell. I remember it so clearly, I had a panic attack. Hell had never became so really. I went home living in fear, anxiety, and pain. I could almost feel the flames. After two weeks, I started reading scripture and sermons. I prayed and prayed for Jesus to save me. I prayed that over and over again. That next week, I heard this voice telling me to go speak with an old pastor of mine at another church. I didn't know what it was. I wrote it off as something random. A few days later, I heard the same prompting, it said the same thing. So I listened and went. My old pastor saw change and invited me to his church. We fought for a year to reconcile with the church that excommunicated me but they never received me back.

This is where the real trouble started and has plagued for twelve years. I started hearing things in my mind I had never thought or heard before. They were great doubts about my salvation. I remember thinking they were not my own. These lies/doubts plagued me. It caused so much fear and anxiety inside. So I started studying God's word salvation. I read through 1 John and felt I has conquered those thoughts. A week later, other thoughts started plaguing me. These were so much worse. Thoughts of, you don't believe in God, God isn't real. When I would read scripture, these things would pop in. Again, I felt like they weren't my own thoughts. Something always inside telling me these were false. These were not coming from me. But, they again caused me so much fear and anxiety. Fast forward a few years, I got a clear calling from God to go into the Navy. With some work, I sold everything and joined. While I was in, I injured my legs and was extremely homesick. I was given the chance to be discharged medically. I took it and was sent home. I was so sad and disappointed. I felt I has let God down and everyone else. Fearing the plaguing thoughts and the anquish that would come, I ran from God. I hid in the world and for the most part, those thoughts disappeared. I went through a lot in six years, but felt it was time to start seeking the Lord again. I remember thinking I had to persue the Navy to find God again. At this time I met my future wife. We have been married for four years now. God told me in this small still voice, you don't have to join the Navy, He is already with me. So I gave up on the pursuit.

The next four years would plagued with those same thoughts, my inappropriate content addiction was rampant, and I was causing us to go into debt. Through those 4 years, that voice telling me these were false blurred a bit. I stopped hearing that voice but the plaguing doubts still loomed as a dark cloud poisoning my mind. This brings me to today. I started really seeking after the God again. I heard him speaking to me and telling what I must do. I have been following him but these thoughts loomed. I got to the point where i felt it was time to face the thoughts/lies/doubts and bring them into the light. For 12 years I hid from them, afraid and in deep pain over them. This is about the same time I started to take cbd oil to help me focus and relax. I didn't know it was laced with THC. This landed me in the hospital with the worst case of anxiety I had every felt. The anxiety and pain was so bad, I couldn't hear anything good or positive. I was thinking of suicide because it was so bad. Now a week later I am still affected by this. I am of the mindset that God has allowed me to go through this to finally seek help. Though the doubts/lies/thoughts are ever strong. They are leaving me wonder if I truly believe in God, or if I'm saved. This is so painful, I can't function. All color has gone out of things. I feel broken and lefting bleeding. I can't see how I could possibly make it through this. I know I have to face this things. I know that is what God wants. But there is so much pain and doubt. This has never made total since to me. Why has this plagued me uncontrollably for so long? I know we have an enemy of our souls, always looking to destroy us. But why has this plagued me and why has it never let up?

I'm so terrified to face this. I see anxiety as big problem in my life. Fear is also a problem. I am seeking help with my anxiety through my doctor. I will be seeing a counselor tomorrow. I feel like there is no hope for me. Do you have any insights? Please help! Thank you.

I hope the counsellor you find is a Christian, as I think an unbeliever will at best delay the inevitable. I had alcohol and inappropriate content addiction, and was greatly helped by Celebrate Recovery (you can find a group by going to the website). It's real people going through similar struggles. It's good to confess your struggle face to face with others, and be held accountable for behaviors. The program digs for the root cause of the problems and points to Christ for the solution. We all need to learn how to trust God for deliverance from what drags us down. I think the greatest struggle of all is finding the faith to overcome. I pray God will get you there.
TD:prayer:
 
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~Anastasia~

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Hello and welcome to CF.

Just to let you know, you may not get a lot of answers here, since this is just a light intro forum. I'll ask the mods to move your post elsewhere - maybe Christian Advice - so you should get more help.

In the meantime I will say this. Thoughts come from three sources. Holy sources (God, angels), unholy sources (demons), and ourselves. Sometimes some combination (which makes it trickier to sort out).

But no holy source is telling you things that make you doubt God or your faith.

It's always a good idea to seek medical or psychological evaluation to determine (if possible) if there's any indication the thoughts are coming from ourselves, and addressing if need be.

It sounds like there's a very good chance the thoughts (or most of them) are coming from outside yourself, especially since they intensify when you seek God, involve temptation, and leave you alone when you are running from God.

This is a VERY common thing that happens. Very, very common.

So what to do? We are taught to say short prayers - especially the Jesus prayer, because there is power in the name of Christ.

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.

That prayer sums up everything needed.

Sometimes we repeat it often, and may make the sign of the Cross over ourselves at the same time.

There is more that can be done, but recognizing the source of thoughts that assail us and using the name of Christ and the Cross to fight them is the greatest help.

Do not be surprised if there is a battle that never ends. The enemy sometimes never gives up as long as he thinks there is a chance to destroy us. But the good thing is that we can actually be strengthened in the process.

It's good to have wise help and guidance, and the prayers of people who devote themselves to following Christ and to prayer.

I hope this helps a little.

God be with you.
 
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Anthony2019

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Hello gore2828
Whenever you feel that you have had your last chance and blown it, whenever you feel you have lost your way and that there is no way back....
Remember the parable of the woman who had ten coins and lost one of them who lit a lamp, swept and searched the entire house over until she found it (Luke 15:9). The Lord is far more willing to forgive you than you are willing to receive his forgiveness. There is nothing you can do and nowhere you can turn that will stop Him looking out for you and longing for you to come back to Him.
The prodigal son returned to the Father in a terrible state and whilst he was still a long way off, the Father couldn't wait to welcome Him and put on his best robes and garments.
Your heavenly Father awaits you with arms open wide.
 
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Sam91

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Philippians 4:6-8

Proverbs 3:5-6

Psalm 91.

Hi gore2828

Welcome to CF! I agree with the first two replies you have got.

Focus on Him and what you know to be true. The thief next to Jesus on the cross made it to heaven despite his crimes. David knew God and sinned. He was welcomed back.

Don't let these thoughts hurt you or torment you. Let them pass. Just because it is there in your head it doesn't make it truth.

God is truth. Trust Him, not yourself nor your understanding. Let your faith override your doubts. Pay them no heed. Smile and remind yourself that Jesus is the Good shepherd and will hold you fast. Remember the embrace the Father gave the prodigal son!

Fix your eyes on Him. On His goodness. Rest in Him. Rest in His shelter. Find things to occupy yourself. Serve if you can. Not to earn anything, you know you can't earn forgiveness. But to enjoy it, to fellowship with your brothers and sisters.

God bless you!
 
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Aussie Pete

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At the age of 16, I moved in with my dad and gave my life to the Lord. I spent another four years in church, yet my life wasn't radically changed. By age 20, I has racked up debt and was sleeping around. I had also been dealing with a inappropriate content battle from the age of 10 or 12. Shortly after I was excommunicated from my Baptist Church. After first, I felt a weight lifted. I was able to go do what I wanted without the tether of the church. After four months, my dad shared the gospel with me again and told me I was going to hell. I remember it so clearly, I had a panic attack. Hell had never became so really. I went home living in fear, anxiety, and pain. I could almost feel the flames. After two weeks, I started reading scripture and sermons. I prayed and prayed for Jesus to save me. I prayed that over and over again. That next week, I heard this voice telling me to go speak with an old pastor of mine at another church. I didn't know what it was. I wrote it off as something random. A few days later, I heard the same prompting, it said the same thing. So I listened and went. My old pastor saw change and invited me to his church. We fought for a year to reconcile with the church that excommunicated me but they never received me back.

This is where the real trouble started and has plagued for twelve years. I started hearing things in my mind I had never thought or heard before. They were great doubts about my salvation. I remember thinking they were not my own. These lies/doubts plagued me. It caused so much fear and anxiety inside. So I started studying God's word salvation. I read through 1 John and felt I has conquered those thoughts. A week later, other thoughts started plaguing me. These were so much worse. Thoughts of, you don't believe in God, God isn't real. When I would read scripture, these things would pop in. Again, I felt like they weren't my own thoughts. Something always inside telling me these were false. These were not coming from me. But, they again caused me so much fear and anxiety. Fast forward a few years, I got a clear calling from God to go into the Navy. With some work, I sold everything and joined. While I was in, I injured my legs and was extremely homesick. I was given the chance to be discharged medically. I took it and was sent home. I was so sad and disappointed. I felt I has let God down and everyone else. Fearing the plaguing thoughts and the anquish that would come, I ran from God. I hid in the world and for the most part, those thoughts disappeared. I went through a lot in six years, but felt it was time to start seeking the Lord again. I remember thinking I had to persue the Navy to find God again. At this time I met my future wife. We have been married for four years now. God told me in this small still voice, you don't have to join the Navy, He is already with me. So I gave up on the pursuit.

The next four years would plagued with those same thoughts, my inappropriate content addiction was rampant, and I was causing us to go into debt. Through those 4 years, that voice telling me these were false blurred a bit. I stopped hearing that voice but the plaguing doubts still loomed as a dark cloud poisoning my mind. This brings me to today. I started really seeking after the God again. I heard him speaking to me and telling what I must do. I have been following him but these thoughts loomed. I got to the point where i felt it was time to face the thoughts/lies/doubts and bring them into the light. For 12 years I hid from them, afraid and in deep pain over them. This is about the same time I started to take cbd oil to help me focus and relax. I didn't know it was laced with THC. This landed me in the hospital with the worst case of anxiety I had every felt. The anxiety and pain was so bad, I couldn't hear anything good or positive. I was thinking of suicide because it was so bad. Now a week later I am still affected by this. I am of the mindset that God has allowed me to go through this to finally seek help. Though the doubts/lies/thoughts are ever strong. They are leaving me wonder if I truly believe in God, or if I'm saved. This is so painful, I can't function. All color has gone out of things. I feel broken and lefting bleeding. I can't see how I could possibly make it through this. I know I have to face this things. I know that is what God wants. But there is so much pain and doubt. This has never made total since to me. Why has this plagued me uncontrollably for so long? I know we have an enemy of our souls, always looking to destroy us. But why has this plagued me and why has it never let up?

I'm so terrified to face this. I see anxiety as big problem in my life. Fear is also a problem. I am seeking help with my anxiety through my doctor. I will be seeing a counselor tomorrow. I feel like there is no hope for me. Do you have any insights? Please help! Thank you.
I had a vision a while ago. I was Lazarus, coming out of the tomb alive. I heard the Lord tell the mourners to remove the cloths that they'd used to wrap the dead body. I freaked. I'd been dead for four days. I would look terrible. But as the light fell on my skin, it changed from rotting and ugly to like a newborn's skin. The truth is light and is always healing and freedom. Be afraid NOT to get the truth. You have been lied to by the devil. It's time to doubt your doubts, reject the lies and accept God's truth.

You are most likely bound by a number of demons. When we sin, we allow evil spirits to attach themselves to us. They can worm their way into our soul and infiltrate your thoughts. If we do nothing about it, they will start to control our will. Then we are in real trouble.

You need to find someone who knows their authority in Christ and get those foul spirits out of your life. Once you've done that, you need to know how to keep them out. I suggest that you get a copy of "War on the Saints" by Jesse Penn-Lewis. It's not easy reading but you are in a real war of the spiritual kind. One of Satan's lies is that you are too far gone to be helped. That is not true for those who hate their sin as you do.

Be assured that God is on your side. He hates sin because it offends His holy and righteous nature. He also hates sin because it destroys the people that He created in His image. God wants the very best for all mankind. That's why He sent Jesus to die for us. If you want to know how much God hates sin, look at the cross and see what Jesus suffered. If you want to know how much God loves sinners, look at the cross and see what Jesus suffered.

Ask God for a revelation of His love for you. Perfect love drives out fear. When everything goes pear-shaped, run to Him, not away from Him. There is no place to hide anyway! For a long time, Psalm 139 was like a stake in the ground for me. Much of what I've shared with you is a result of my own painful experiences. Change "Jesus saves" to "Jesus delivers". The words have the same meaning but "saves" has become code for going to heaven when you die. It is vastly more than that. We will pray for you.
 
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mnorian

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this thread has been moved from
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Carry on.
 
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aiki

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