God said: "It's not good for man to be alone".

Redac

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A person is married to someone with Alzheimer's and they don't recognize them, know they're married and haven't had any kind of physical relationship in years.
The healthy spouse often dies before the sick one due to loneliness, stress, and grief that can last for years. This happens an astounding 40% of the time.

If he/she, has a relationship outside the marriage and that develops into a caring partnership that benefits the ill spouse... How can that be wrong?

Don't bother quoting marriage vows which were written in the 1400s. "Sickness and in health"?? That's when people got sick and died a day, week or even a month later.
Dementia patients were just thrown out in the streets and died shortly after.
Or worse, churches thought they were demon-possessed and they were tortured until cleansed. (that's where "dementia" comes from).

Does anyone have any solid comments pro or con?
Thou shalt not commit adultery. Having an extra-marital relationship of this sort is adultery. I'm not sure how much more clear this could be.
 
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AGJakeH

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In sickness and in health. That says it all

I’m with you on this one. I don’t care when the vows were written, I made a promise before God to one woman in 2014 and that’s that.
 
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Picky Pilot

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Thou shalt not commit adultery. Having an extra-marital relationship of this sort is adultery. I'm not sure how much more clear this could be.

So, you're saying that it's perfectly fine to die before your ill spouse? Then who takes care of her, strangers in a memory care facility where she may be abused? Or, at best, she sits in a chair, spending the entire day staring out a window, or watching tv?
Who contributes to her quality of life in the time she has left?

What if, it was her idea to have a special friend in the first place, once all her friends distanced themselves?

It's a very tough decision and the bottom line is, who benefits from such an arrangement? The simple answer is everyone. Those vows are kept better than trying to do it all by yourself or not being there at all.

Most men are not good caregivers. When faced with the day in day out the drudgery of caring for someone who is more like a toddler than a wife, they invariably send them away to a facility and go on with their lives. The same goes for many women.
 
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Picky Pilot

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For one thing, sometimes we lack understanding of how God views vows and covenants.

I've wondered about that myself. Yes, I made marriage vows but, I think "To have and to hold" is very important because we take good care of Ann. According to the Hospice nurses who visit her every week, she's the happiest, healthiest Alzheimer's patient they've ever seen. Instead of sending her away, I still have and hold on to her for the best quality of life she could ever have.
 
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JackRT

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Sam, a friend of mine, married "Cathy". She and a girl friend were involved in a traffic accident and Cathy was left in a coma while her friend was relatively unhurt. Sam and the girl friend visited Cathy almost every day for several years until they fell in love. It broke Sam's heart to divorce Cathy and remarry. That was 40 years ago and Cathy is still in the coma. Sam and his wife still visit regularly. Cathy is still loved by both of them.
 
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Sam, a friend of mine, married "Cathy". She and a girl friend were involved in a traffic accident and Cathy was left in a coma while her friend was relatively unhurt. Sam and the girl friend visited Cathy almost every day for several years until they fell in love. It broke Sam's heart to divorce Cathy and remarry. That was 40 years ago and Cathy is still in the coma. Sam and his wife still visit regularly. Cathy is still loved by both of them.
It appears to me that he kept his wedding vows.
So far, the record for being in a coma was 42 years as far as I know.
 
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SkyWriting

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A person is married to someone with Alzheimer's and they don't recognize them, know they're married and haven't had any kind of physical relationship in years.
The healthy spouse often dies before the sick one due to loneliness, stress, and grief that can last for years. This happens an astounding 40% of the time.

That is extremely inconsiderate for a person not to keep themself healthy.
That's like not putting on your own oxygen mask first in an airplane.
How can you help (multiple?) others, if your not putting your own safety first?
If you love your spouse, you don't let yourself die first.
 
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Picky Pilot

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In sickness and in health. That says it all
Well, since you're single, I guess you wouldn't have a clue about taking care of someone for 8 years who doesn't know your name. Just check out our facebook page and you might get some understanding.
 
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That is extremely inconsiderate for a person not to keep themself healthy.
That's like not putting on your own oxygen mask first in an airplane.
How can you help (multiple?) others, if your not putting your own safety first?
If you love your spouse, you don't let yourself die first.
Thank you for your nice comment.
That's one of the first things we caregivers are taught. Take care of yourself so you can take care of your loved one. What we've done has been wonderful for my wife, our friend and myself.
Even our pastor said "Sometimes we preachers have to think outside the pulpit". We actually attend three churches depending on where we are. We're welcomed at all of them.

I certainly wouldn't suggest this for everyone. But, it works for me and many others.
 
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A person is married to someone with Alzheimer's and they don't recognize them, know they're married and haven't had any kind of physical relationship in years.
The healthy spouse often dies before the sick one due to loneliness, stress, and grief that can last for years. This happens an astounding 40% of the time.

If he/she, has a relationship outside the marriage and that develops into a caring partnership that benefits the ill spouse... How can that be wrong?

Don't bother quoting marriage vows which were written in the 1400s. "Sickness and in health"?? That's when people got sick and died a day, week or even a month later.
Dementia patients were just thrown out in the streets and died shortly after.
Or worse, churches thought they were demon-possessed and they were tortured until cleansed. (that's where "dementia" comes from).

Does anyone have any solid comments pro or con?

Marriage is meant as a retelling of the Gospel. The husband represents Christ and the wife represents the Church. Does Christ leave His Church when she is ailing? Should the Church depart from Christ under any circumstance?
I may not be married, but I have seen couples walk through serious neurological illnesses like this together. It is difficult, and it does require spiritual support, but marriage is not solely about sex or happiness. It involves sacrifice.

Also, "dementia" is a Latin word that literally translates as "insanity". It comes from another Latin word, "demens", which means "concerning the mind". It has nothing to do with demons.
 
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Picky Pilot

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Marriage is meant as a retelling of the Gospel. The husband represents Christ and the wife represents the Church. Does Christ leave His Church when she is ailing? Should the Church depart from Christ under any circumstance?
I may not be married, but I have seen couples walk through serious neurological illnesses like this together. It is difficult, and it does require spiritual support, but marriage is not solely about sex or happiness. It involves sacrifice.

Also, "dementia" is a Latin word that literally translates as "insanity". It comes from another Latin word, "demens", which means "concerning the mind". It has nothing to do with demons.
Ok, So what? People who had dementia were still tortured and cast out. BY CHURCHES!!!

How you can equate Jesus and the church with a husband and wife in the REAL world is beyond belief.
It's really nice that you have seen couples walk through serious neurological illnesses. Like what?
I don't think you have a clue as to what Alzheimer's is. She's nearing the end of her life and, excuse me if I want to provide her with the best quality of life she can possibly have during her last few orbits around the sun. Look at our facebook page and you'll see real Christian love.
How good of a caregiver can someone be who is at the breaking point every day? After almost giving up and placing her in memory care, I'm now happy, healthy and caring for my sweet wife better than anyone that I know of.

Speaking of churches departing from Christ... Turn on the TV and listen to some of those goofballs, but that's a topic for another discussion, I think.
 
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Sketcher

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If he/she, has a relationship outside the marriage and that develops into a caring partnership that benefits the ill spouse... How can that be wrong?
Simple, it's adultery. Even if the spouse is lucid and consents, it's adultery.

Don't bother quoting marriage vows which were written in the 1400s. "Sickness and in health"?? That's when people got sick and died a day, week or even a month later.
Dementia patients were just thrown out in the streets and died shortly after.
Or worse, churches thought they were demon-possessed and they were tortured until cleansed. (that's where "dementia" comes from).
Chronic illness was a thing well before then (Luke 8:43).
 
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Ok, So what? People who had dementia were still tortured and cast out. BY CHURCHES!!!

How you can equate Jesus and the church with a husband and wife in the REAL world is beyond belief.
It's really nice that you have seen couples walk through serious neurological illnesses. Like what?
I don't think you have a clue as to what Alzheimer's is. She's nearing the end of her life and, excuse me if I want to provide her with the best quality of life she can possibly have during her last few orbits around the sun. Look at our facebook page and you'll see real Christian love.
How good of a caregiver can someone be who is at the breaking point every day? After almost giving up and placing her in memory care, I'm now happy, healthy and caring for my sweet wife better than anyone that I know of.

Speaking of churches departing from Christ... Turn on the TV and listen to some of those goofballs, but that's a topic for another discussion, I think.

I am deeply sorry for what you and your wife are going through and I will keep you both in my prayers. I also could have phrased my reply less harshly and more clearly.

While I don't have any personal experience with Alzheimer's specifically, I am familiar with Parkinson's. I watched my grandmother's best friend suffer from Parkinson's Disease. She was like a second mother to my dad, practically a member of my extended family. She passed away a few years ago. All the while, her husband cared for her to the best of his ability.
MS is not tied to dementia like Alzheimer's and Parkinson's are, but my uncle suffers from it. My aunt has frequently been pressured by friends to leave him and their three children because of his MS.
I'm not suggesting that people in your situation should work themselves to a breaking point. We all need spiritual support, especially when we and those we love are suffering. The two couples I have referenced sought and found support among their churches, their friends, and their families.

I drew the analogy of Christian marriage representing the Church's relationship with Christ from Ephesians 5:22-33.

And you're right. Whatever the etymology, that doesn't make what those "Christians" did right. I shouldn't have nitpicked that.
 
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Lost4words

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Well, since you're single, I guess you wouldn't have a clue about taking care of someone for 8 years who doesn't know your name. Just check out our facebook page and you might get some understanding.

I know people who have.

Until death do us part.

Its about picking up your cross and carrying it. About giving your life for someone else. About following God's commandments.
 
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Redac

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So, you're saying that it's perfectly fine to die before your ill spouse? Then who takes care of her, strangers in a memory care facility where she may be abused? Or, at best, she sits in a chair, spending the entire day staring out a window, or watching tv?
Who contributes to her quality of life in the time she has left?
No? It's perfectly fine to arrange for someone to care for your wife should you pass first; in fact I'd say that's a very good thing to do. That's somewhat different from what you seem to be asking about, though.

What if, it was her idea to have a special friend in the first place, once all her friends distanced themselves?
Adultery is adultery, regardless of whose idea it was or what justification you want to give for it.

It's a very tough decision and the bottom line is, who benefits from such an arrangement? The simple answer is everyone. Those vows are kept better than trying to do it all by yourself or not being there at all.
You violate your vows if you commit adultery. It doesn't matter if your wife is cool with it, or if everyone seems to "benefit" from the arrangement. You made a solemn oath before God to love, support, and be faithful to your wife, and you will be held accountable for it.

I understand, as much as I can, that this is a very difficult situation. I feel for you, truly, and I will pray for you as well. But adultery is adultery, and you are not excepted from God's commandments simply because you feel it benefits everyone (including you).

We all have our crosses to bear.
 
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ChristopherHays

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A person is married to someone with Alzheimer's and they don't recognize them, know they're married and haven't had any kind of physical relationship in years.
The healthy spouse often dies before the sick one due to loneliness, stress, and grief that can last for years. This happens an astounding 40% of the time.

If he/she, has a relationship outside the marriage and that develops into a caring partnership that benefits the ill spouse... How can that be wrong?

Don't bother quoting marriage vows which were written in the 1400s. "Sickness and in health"?? That's when people got sick and died a day, week or even a month later.
Dementia patients were just thrown out in the streets and died shortly after.
Or worse, churches thought they were demon-possessed and they were tortured until cleansed. (that's where "dementia" comes from).

Does anyone have any solid comments pro or con?

If I suffered from permanent dementia, paralysis, or sickness, to the point that I was unwilling or unable to play a positive role in my spouses life... I would want them to live their life whatever way makes them happy. Even if it meant being with someone else. I think that’s true love. On the flip side of that coin, I would expect my partner to want me to be as happy as possible. I think in this situation that means ensuring their physical needs are met weather it be through financial support or physically being there to help with medications and things.


Every situation is different. If I was mentally healthy and productive but lost a leg or something, I would be extremely hurt if my partner abandoned me. It’s a tough call that really varies one situation to another. My advice would be to not listen to the opinions of strangers online. You know your situation. Follow your gut. I think you already know what’s best for you.
 
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