Afraid my repentance wasn't genuine

NoahSK · Oct 23, 2019

So, for a while I was worried because I feel I wasn't convicted enough or broken enough or sorrowful enough over my sins, so I worried I couldn't properly repent, and therefore I wasn't a true Christian. I would ask God over and over to give me repentance and convict me and help me hate my sins, but things didn't seem to change. Over time, I've felt more guilty and horrible about my sins and I felt I hated them a bit. However, now I'm worried that it was all manufactured from me trying to make myself hate my sins or feel guilty, and that I've somehow trained myself to feel guilty and broken and hate my sin, at least to some extent. Also, this is only for a few big sins, I feel that most of my other sins I end up just ignoring or excusing or whatever, or I try to repent from them but feel like I have to force myself to feel sorrow or whatever because I just don't feel it. The "sorrow" and "hatred" I did feel for those big sins comforted me and gave me some assurance, but now I'm worried that it's all fake or trained or whatever, or that it's all done out of fear. Fear seems to be my main, if not only, motivator for a lot. I just don't know. I can't tell if it's real or not. I thought it was God giving me those feelings, but now I worry that it was myself. I feel like I can't truly repent because I can't feel all of that sorrow and guilt and shame and dirtiness and hatred and stuff. I've asked God over and over to save me, knowing that only Christ's sacrifice can save me. I've tried having faith and trust or whatever, but I feel like nothing is improving. I hate this. On top of all of this, I feel an unwillingness to change or let go of some things I like doing that aren't necessarily sinful, but still. I feel like I don't spend enough time with God and that whenever I try to it's forced and I get bored, which I know isn't an excuse. I feel like I'm content with staying where I am and not growing or changing, which worries me, because before I felt so willing to do whatever God wanted me to, mostly out of fear. I think it might have something to do with my diminished fear of hell, which still hasn't gone away for a while and worries me as well. I can't tell if this is OCD or a real problem. I tend to doubt things like this being OCD, because I don't want to be wrong. The other part that makes me worry if I'm truly repenting or not is because it doesn't seem to stop me from sinning again the next day or whatever. I feel like I'm not sufficiently turning from my sins or resisting enough. Like, I hate that I sinned for the moment after I do it, when I feel guilty and horrible and wish I hadn't done it, but when those feelings go away after a while, I end up falling into sin again.

brinny · Oct 23, 2019

NoahSK said:
So, for a while I was worried because I feel I wasn't convicted enough or broken enough or sorrowful enough over my sins, so I worried I couldn't properly repent, and therefore I wasn't a true Christian. I would ask God over and over to give me repentance and convict me and help me hate my sins, but things didn't seem to change. Over time, I've felt more guilty and horrible about my sins and I felt I hated them a bit. However, now I'm worried that it was all manufactured from me trying to make myself hate my sins or feel guilty, and that I've somehow trained myself to feel guilty and broken and hate my sin, at least to some extent. Also, this is only for a few big sins, I feel that most of my other sins I end up just ignoring or excusing or whatever, or I try to repent from them but feel like I have to force myself to feel sorrow or whatever because I just don't feel it. The "sorrow" and "hatred" I did feel for those big sins comforted me and gave me some assurance, but now I'm worried that it's all fake or trained or whatever, or that it's all done out of fear. Fear seems to be my main, if not only, motivator for a lot. I just don't know. I can't tell if it's real or not. I thought it was God giving me those feelings, but now I worry that it was myself. I feel like I can't truly repent because I can't feel all of that sorrow and guilt and shame and dirtiness and hatred and stuff. I've asked God over and over to save me, knowing that only Christ's sacrifice can save me. I've tried having faith and trust or whatever, but I feel like nothing is improving. I hate this. On top of all of this, I feel an unwillingness to change or let go of some things I like doing that aren't necessarily sinful, but still. I feel like I don't spend enough time with God and that whenever I try to it's forced and I get bored, which I know isn't an excuse. I feel like I'm content with staying where I am and not growing or changing, which worries me, because before I felt so willing to do whatever God wanted me to, mostly out of fear. I think it might have something to do with my diminished fear of hell, which still hasn't gone away for a while and worries me as well.

Praying for you Noah (((hug)))

Robin Mauro · Oct 23, 2019

NoahSK said:
So, for a while I was worried because I feel I wasn't convicted enough or broken enough or sorrowful enough over my sins, so I worried I couldn't properly repent, and therefore I wasn't a true Christian. I would ask God over and over to give me repentance and convict me and help me hate my sins, but things didn't seem to change. Over time, I've felt more guilty and horrible about my sins and I felt I hated them a bit. However, now I'm worried that it was all manufactured from me trying to make myself hate my sins or feel guilty, and that I've somehow trained myself to feel guilty and broken and hate my sin, at least to some extent. Also, this is only for a few big sins, I feel that most of my other sins I end up just ignoring or excusing or whatever, or I try to repent from them but feel like I have to force myself to feel sorrow or whatever because I just don't feel it. The "sorrow" and "hatred" I did feel for those big sins comforted me and gave me some assurance, but now I'm worried that it's all fake or trained or whatever, or that it's all done out of fear. Fear seems to be my main, if not only, motivator for a lot. I just don't know. I can't tell if it's real or not. I thought it was God giving me those feelings, but now I worry that it was myself. I feel like I can't truly repent because I can't feel all of that sorrow and guilt and shame and dirtiness and hatred and stuff. I've asked God over and over to save me, knowing that only Christ's sacrifice can save me. I've tried having faith and trust or whatever, but I feel like nothing is improving. I hate this. On top of all of this, I feel an unwillingness to change or let go of some things I like doing that aren't necessarily sinful, but still. I feel like I don't spend enough time with God and that whenever I try to it's forced and I get bored, which I know isn't an excuse. I feel like I'm content with staying where I am and not growing or changing, which worries me, because before I felt so willing to do whatever God wanted me to, mostly out of fear. I think it might have something to do with my diminished fear of hell, which still hasn't gone away for a while and worries me as well. I can't tell if this is OCD or a real problem. I tend to doubt things like this being OCD, because I don't want to be wrong. The other part that makes me worry if I'm truly repenting or not is because it doesn't seem to stop me from sinning again the next day or whatever. I feel like I'm not sufficiently turning from my sins or resisting enough. Like, I hate that I sinned for the moment after I do it, when I feel guilty and horrible and wish I hadn't done it, but when those feelings go away after a while, I end up falling into sin again.

You are overthinking everything. Breathe. It is really quite simple.
You believe mankind needs a savior; everyone of us. You believe Jesus paid the price for those who believe. You have repented. You are still not perfect; nether are any of us.
Get your mind off of yourself and onto Christ; what he did for you.
Praise him, thank him, trust him.
Letting your mind go in these circles only gives Satan a foothold.
We are all in the same boat, so when you start to spin, take every thought captive. Praise him, thank him, trust him, and let all the rest go.
And get busy for others. There is sooo much need in the world. Sounds like you have entirely too much time to dwell on yourself.
Get busy for others, and trust God for the rest.

TheOldWays · Oct 23, 2019

as mentioned above, and seeing this is an OCD forum, you're overthinking it. God didn't make this whole thing overly complicated. your repentance was fine. don't try and hate your sins. you're still human. trying to hate something just makes it worse. not sure why you want to feel guilt, sorrow and shame anyways. just take it a day at a time. trust in God.

Tolworth John · Oct 24, 2019

NoahSK said:
because I feel I wasn't convicted enough

I've felt more guilty and horrible about my sins[/QUOTE]
I'm worried that it was all manufactured[/QUOTE]
feel guilty, and that I've somehow trained myself to feel guilty[/QUOTE]
I feel that most of my other sins[/QUOTE]
feel like I have to force myself to feel sorrow[/QUOTE]
Nw I'm worried that it's all fake[/QUOTE]

I only weny a little way through your post, do you see what I've pulled out.
All these I feel and worry.
How do you quantify an apology?
How do you evaluate the sincerity of an apology?
Should you even try?

God knows what you are thinking. He knows the confusion your ocd causes in you.

May I suggest something.

Every time you start 'feeling' that your repentance wasn't good enough or that you need to repent again.
Thank God that he has accept your repentance. Praise him for his forgiveness of your sins.
Rejoyice in the fact that you are a child of God.

Also talk to your councelor/therapist for help in managing your ocd.

NoahSK · Oct 24, 2019

But how can I know that it was real repentance rather than fake, manufactured repentance?

ajcarey · Oct 25, 2019

NoahSK said:
But how can I know that it was real repentance rather than fake, manufactured repentance?

Repentance isn't genuine until it is accompanied by works meet for repentance and the sin is put away. You have to choose to believe and conclude that God has a right to you, that His right is strengthened by what Christ did to redeem you to Himself, and that you therefore have no right to serve your flesh and choose to yield to sin. Choose to suffer with the true people of God and reckon yourself dead indeed to sin and alive to God through Jesus Christ the Lord. True logic and wisdom itself demand this of us and call us to it. That is how you will find God's true grace and end your struggle with sin in a way that will put you on the road to salvation.

Ezekiel 18:27-32: " 27 Again, when the wicked man turneth away from his wickedness that he hath committed, and doeth that which is lawful and right, he shall save his soul alive. 28 Because he considereth, and turneth away from all his transgressions that he hath committed, he shall surely live, he shall not die. 29 Yet saith the house of Israel, The way of the Lord is not equal. O house of Israel, are not my ways equal? are not your ways unequal? 30 Therefore I will judge you, O house of Israel, every one according to his ways, saith the Lord God. Repent, and turn yourselves from all your transgressions; so iniquity shall not be your ruin. 31 Cast away from you all your transgressions, whereby ye have transgressed; and make you a new heart and a new spirit: for why will ye die, O house of Israel? 32 For I have no pleasure in the death of him that dieth, saith the Lord God: wherefore turn yourselves, and live ye."

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Afraid my repentance wasn't genuine

NoahSK

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brinny

everlovin' shiner of light in dark places

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Robin Mauro

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TheOldWays

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Tolworth John

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NoahSK

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ajcarey

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