What choice does a triple-divorced Christian have?

ThisIsMe123 said:

I think some time ago I met a Christian woman on Match that's pretty devout on her faith. Local and well-to-do high school teacher. Good at her job actually.

Anyways, she is THRICE divorced. I think her first two men cheated and abusive...the last one just wanted out of the marriage. Wanted to be gone.

To me, I guess if you're speaking even in a secular level, it's like why not just throw in the towel and bother with marriage after that? I kind of gave her a hypothetical question of "Why bother with marriage at this point? Why not just have a boyfriend with no marriage in mind?"

As bad as that sounds, yeah, that'd be living in sin (if they lived together) or if she is no longer marriage minded.

But that's just it, after being divorced three times, wouldn't it being marriage-minded for husband #4 be kind of pointless?

I dunno, what do you say about Christians who have multiple marriages under their belt? Do you think they should just throw in the towel on that facet of their life. It's like (yeah, this sounds bad) "Here's something you're just not good at, so...don't even bother on a 4th marriage.

As they say, statistically that 2nd, and 3rd marriages have a higher failure rate than the previous ones.

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Depends entirely on the circumstances. What I am about to say may sound judgemental, but that is not my intent. The common denominator is the woman. There are reasons why marriages fail, especially second and third. Some women just have unreal expectations. For a Christian, Christ is our reason for living. Some people expect their spouse to fulfil a need only Lord Jesus can provide. Some people are just too selfish, especially men. The answer is not to give up on marriage, but to allow the Lord to show you the cause of failure. Often, it is bitterness and resentment from a previous bad relationship. Unforgiveness kills relationships, especially when it's transferred from previous life experience. No one needs to hear the words, "Your just like...... (the ex). If that's true, then why did you marry that person? One definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result. The divorced individual needs to be set free before entering another relationship.

Yes you are judgemental. I am 2 x divorced - both men were abusive and personality disordered, attracted to me becaue of my aspergers syndrome and previous over trusting of people. Because of childhood abuse it made me vulnerable to narcissists.

Greetings,

I think it’s important to pay heed to patterns that don’t yield the outcome you’re seeking. If relationships constantly come to an end, you must consider your part in its demise. From your decision to form the alignment to everything that follows.

While I haven’t dealt with a divorced suitor, behavior patterns is a topic I pay attention to in my life and those I’ve mentored. I jump in the hot seat to demonstrate things I’ve seen within myself. That opens the dialogue and we’re able to tackle the cause and effect of their actions.

I believe in root based solutions. You have to flesh out the real issues that led to the behaviors they’re exhibiting. It takes time and trust to work through that. Going into someone’s basement and attic may yield painful memories. But seeing them free and whole is worth the effort.

I don’t think multiple divorces hinders someone’s chances anymore than other challenges. All that’s required is someone who believes you’re worthy of investment. That’s true for everyone seeking companionship.

Our struggles aren’t impediments to love and happiness. And we needn’t prostrate to others begging for acceptance. Those who value our presence and contribution to their lives will welcome us with open arms. We needn’t feel ashamed of our shortcomings. They love us through them and we love them in return.

~Bella

I can only share my own experience.

I was married and shortly thereafter divorced before I was a self-acknowledged Christian. We separated, and she took her newly found 'freedom' to sleep with other men while leading me on that reconciliation was a possibility.

I did a lot of self-reflection after that and figured out why my romantic life had been such an utter failure, culminating in my wife cheating on me with zero remorse. The problem was with me ultimately. I wasn't responsible for the actions of others, but I had my part to play in those actions being decided upon. I told myself then that I wasn't going to be in another relationship. Almost 15 years now, and I've been true to my word.

Most people don't do what I did. They carry the baggage from one relationship into another...and another...and another.

I think if I had 3 divorces under my belt, I'd be inclined to say, 'three strikes, you're out' and push back from that proverbial table. If I met a woman like that, I'd be polite but she'd never get to a first-name basis with me, let alone having any kind of romantic entanglement. That's me though.

Maybe she's had a string of bad luck, or maybe she has trouble learning from her mistakes. At the end of the day, however, her decision to remarry is up to her.

Fun fact: Those who divorce multiple times skew the divorce rate statistic. Each time counts as a marriage that ends in divorce.

ThisIsMe123 said:

I think some time ago I met a Christian woman on Match that's pretty devout on her faith. Local and well-to-do high school teacher. Good at her job actually.

Anyways, she is THRICE divorced. I think her first two men cheated and abusive...the last one just wanted out of the marriage. Wanted to be gone.

To me, I guess if you're speaking even in a secular level, it's like why not just throw in the towel and bother with marriage after that? I kind of gave her a hypothetical question of "Why bother with marriage at this point? Why not just have a boyfriend with no marriage in mind?"

As bad as that sounds, yeah, that'd be living in sin (if they lived together) or if she is no longer marriage minded.

But that's just it, after being divorced three times, wouldn't it being marriage-minded for husband #4 be kind of pointless?

I dunno, what do you say about Christians who have multiple marriages under their belt? Do you think they should just throw in the towel on that facet of their life. It's like (yeah, this sounds bad) "Here's something you're just not good at, so...don't even bother on a 4th marriage.

As they say, statistically that 2nd, and 3rd marriages have a higher failure rate than the previous ones.

Click to expand...

Under those circumstances, I'd say it's best to stay single.

There is often several reasons women in marriages have cheating husbands.
1) They are attracted to men that "play the field" or bad boys
2) They drive them to cheat on them by their actions like dangling sex in front of them like a bargaining chip
3) They know the guy they marry "cheats" on girlfriends but they have an ego that thinks they can "cure" him.
All in all it sounds like this woman can't choose men she can live with so why bother with her?
I also find people that come across strong in their "goodness" often have a jekyl/hyde type of personality at work there.
In other words the woman has shown she can't pick the right husband for her, so if she picks you then it won't work and if she doesn't then it won't happen.

People long for companionship. In dating, we get rejected over...and over...yet we have no choice but to pick up and keep going, because the need for love is embedded in our souls.

If you divorce 3 times, do you just give up and say you're unworthy to be loved? You have no choice. I would say a serious revisit to your behavior is in order, but try again is your only choice.

ThisIsMe123 said:

What choice does a triple-divorced Christian have?

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To stay without a man.

To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.
1 Cor 7:10

And have nothing to do with her, any intimity would be adultery. Find a normal single girl that does not belong to any other man.

The premise that a woman is the catalyst for a man's poor behavior is flawed. That’s akin to saying the devil made me do it. We are accountable for our choices. God doesn’t give us a pass when we behave badly. We know right from wrong.

Some people are incapable of accepting responsibility for their actions and look for a scapegoat in their partner or others. Good leaders own their stuff. Ego driven men do not.

~Bella

I don't have the guts to tell someone they're making a mockery of the institution of marriage, or that God wouldn't be any less pleased if they just lived together.

The problem isn't marriage. The problem is the men she married. If she were to find a man she was compatible with and loved, and he was going to be good to her and devoted to the marriage, then I don't see why it would be a bad thing.

Say you bought food, and each time you bought food, the food spoiled. Would you stop trying to get groceries? Or would you keep trying until you selected better items?

Keep in mind that a large portion of the people claiming anxiety or PTSD are self-diagnosed. More likely they have some sort of personality disorder.

She sounds like a whole bucket of bad news. Walk away.

Our God is a God of redemption.