Politics in the bedroom

Palus Vandorn · Oct 19, 2019

i Was wondering how often political differences affect your marriages and what you guys do to reconcile those differences. My wife and I have been married for the past 10 years, and for most of that time our political orientation was for the most part complimentary. I am a small government libertarian, transplant from the US Midwest and my wife has been a life long Torry. Therefore our views have for the most part been the same, we both believe in social and fiscal conservatism, individual responsibility, anti globalism and limited government intervention.
However, lately it seems Canadian politics devolved from everyone respecting that people can cordially disagree to either you are one of us or one of them. This has kind of started entering our home. A little while ago mu wife and I had a huge fight/disagreement over climate change.
What we both agree on is that climate change is a political tool being used by the regressive left as a way to control the people. I believe that the majority of those on the left are misguided and ignorant but they have a right to their opinion as I have a right to mine. I believe that we can respectfully disagree with each other and we should all be free to live according to our conscience within the framework of the law, both God’s and Man’s. My wife believes that those in the left are completely wrong and she hates them with a passion. She is constantly bashing Justin Trudeau, the Green Party and Greta Thurnberg. In addition she gets upset at me for not wanting to jump on the hate train. Although I disagree with those on the left I don’t feel it is right to spew vitriol and hatred towards them. That type of behavior serves only to push people further away and make compromises impossible.
Our argument started when my wife saw on Twitter that Greta Thunberg was coming to Canada, she immediately jumped onto the “stay out of Alberta” bandwagon. I reminded her that she and her Twitter friend said were for lack of better words cyber bullying a minor child and as an adult more she should know better. Now because I did not want to join in and attack an ignorant child I am “against” her.
How do you guys reconcile your political differences?

SkyWriting · Oct 19, 2019

Palus Vandorn said:
i Was wondering how often political differences affect your marriages and what you guys do to reconcile those differences. My wife and I have been married for the past 10 years, and for most of that time our political orientation was for the most part complimentary. I am a small government libertarian, transplant from the US Midwest and my wife has been a life long Torry. Therefore our views have for the most part been the same, we both believe in social and fiscal conservatism, individual responsibility, anti globalism and limited government intervention.
However, lately it seems Canadian politics devolved from everyone respecting that people can cordially disagree to either you are one of us or one of them. This has kind of started entering our home. A little while ago mu wife and I had a huge fight/disagreement over climate change.
What we both agree on is that climate change is a political tool being used by the regressive left as a way to control the people. I believe that the majority of those on the left are misguided and ignorant but they have a right to their opinion as I have a right to mine. I believe that we can respectfully disagree with each other and we should all be free to live according to our conscience within the framework of the law, both God’s and Man’s. My wife believes that those in the left are completely wrong and she hates them with a passion. She is constantly bashing Justin Trudeau, the Green Party and Greta Thurnberg. In addition she gets upset at me for not wanting to jump on the hate train. Although I disagree with those on the left I don’t feel it is right to spew vitriol and hatred towards them. That type of behavior serves only to push people further away and make compromises impossible.
Our argument started when my wife saw on Twitter that Greta Thunberg was coming to Canada, she immediately jumped onto the “stay out of Alberta” bandwagon. I reminded her that she and her Twitter friend said were for lack of better words cyber bullying a minor child and as an adult more she should know better. Now because I did not want to join in and attack an ignorant child I am “against” her.
How do you guys reconcile your political differences?

She is always right. No matter my silent opinions.

jsimms615 · Oct 19, 2019

I usually keep my opinions to myself regarding politics when I know they are different. I don't have the energy or desire to argue about it

snoochface · Oct 19, 2019

We grew up and acted like the Christians we are, loving our enemies, praying for those who persecute us, being slow to anger and, as much as it is within our power, being at peace with everyone.

Greengardener · Oct 19, 2019

I can empathize when it's right at home. Such things shouldn't be. Nor should they be in the congregations. The respect each person has as made in the image of God - and especially to avoid hate busses - we are each accountable since we were called to walk in love. Nobody wins here the way it's going. Which is probably the point of the proclivity.

Palus Vandorn · Oct 19, 2019

snoochface said:
We grew up and acted like the Christians we are, loving our enemies, praying for those who persecute us, being slow to anger and, as much as it is within our power, being at peace with everyone.

Unfortunately, a good number of people these days see loving ones enemies as agreeing with them.

mina · Oct 19, 2019

Love and respect are the cornerstone of our marriage. We can disagree and NOT have a fight about it. Politics is just a part of the world; it's not the center of our marriage. However, I think that if any political ideals are changing the other person for the worst (they are becoming hateful towards a person/groups/ or you for the beliefs they hold or are too obsessed with their political ideals so that intrudes on your marriage or family); then I think it's appropriate to seek counseling to get the marriage back on track .

Palus Vandorn · Oct 19, 2019

jsimms615 said:
I usually keep my opinions to myself regarding politics when I know they are different. I don't have the energy or desire to argue about it

I would keep my opinion to my self except I just find it difficult to accept a grown woman lobbing insult and abuse unto a child no matter how misinformed or ignorant the child is.

Palus Vandorn · Oct 19, 2019

mina said:
Love and respect are the cornerstone of our marriage. We can disagree and NOT have a fight about it. Politics is just a part of the world; it's not the center of our marriage. However, I think that if any political ideals are changing the other person for the worst (they are becoming hateful towards a person/groups/ or you for the beliefs they hold or are too obsessed with their political ideals so that intrudes on your marriage or family); then I think it's appropriate to seek counseling to get the marriage back on track .

Don’t get me wrong the marriage is great. I just wish I knew a better way to be a spiritual leader to my wife and lead her away from the path of hate and toxicity. Not only is it against the word of God, frankly it is very embarrassing.

mina · Oct 19, 2019

Can you have discussions without fighting or negativity? I think it's fine to ask your spouse for a safe discussion time about behaviors that are concerning you; you just both have to be open to respecting and listening to the other and it can't be just a time to accuse. If you can't do that with your spouse on your own; then it's fine to go to a counseling session. You don't want a little grievance to be ignored and swept under the rug and everytime the mound of dirt gets bigger and bigger until one day there is a huge mountain under the rug that you are both tripping and stumbling over and you can't even get to the other one because the mountain is so huge. That is true for any issue; but for a marriage to be troubled over politics is truly sad. If something is concerning you; communicate with love and go to a professional if things can not be solved.

snoochface · Oct 19, 2019

Palus Vandorn said:
Unfortunately, a good number of people these days see loving ones enemies as agreeing with them.

So? Don't worry about what a good number of people see. Worry about how you act, and model that behavior. That's how you lead your family spiritually. Everyone has to work out their own salvation with fear and trembling.

NothingIsImpossible · Oct 19, 2019

My wife isn't from America but our political views mostly agreed on. There are a few issues though we disagree about, but we don't argue about it really. For example I can't stand the leader of her country or the corruption, she knows this. So agree to disagree lol

PloverWing · Oct 19, 2019

Palus Vandorn said:
I just wish I knew a better way to be a spiritual leader to my wife and lead her away from the path of hate and toxicity.

I think this is the heart of it, more so than the political disagreement per se. The practice of hatred or contempt towards people with different political views is a spiritually damaging habit. I need to be able to disagree, even strongly disagree, with Trump or Sanders or Cruz or Obama and still see them as beloved children of God, made in the image of God.

It's challenging to guide our fellow Christians into more charitable paths without confronting them in ways that make them defensive. Are there gentle ways that you could say "that thing you're about to post on Twitter, what if you worded it this other way"? Or, in conversations, "Y'know, I disagree with Ms. Thunberg, but you have to admire her determination to do what she believes in"?

For myself, I sometimes go through the exercise of thinking of 3 or 4 things that are commendable about politicians I disagree with, or else go through the exercise of praying for a political office-holder that I disagree with. It's so easy for me to fall into mocking my political opponents, and exercises like these pull me back from the edge a bit.

Endeavourer · Oct 19, 2019

Palus Vandorn said:
I reminded her that she and her Twitter friend said were for lack of better words cyber bullying a minor child and as an adult more she should know better. Now because I did not want to join in and attack an ignorant child I am “against” her.
How do you guys reconcile your political differences?

You will have a much better marriage if you don't moralize and "should" each other. This was disrespectful to your wife.

If her politics bother you, just day "this conversation bothers me; let's change the topic" without passing judgement on her beliefs.

Silverback · Oct 19, 2019

Palus Vandorn said:
i Was wondering how often political differences affect your marriages and what you guys do to reconcile those differences. My wife and I have been married for the past 10 years, and for most of that time our political orientation was for the most part complimentary. I am a small government libertarian, transplant from the US Midwest and my wife has been a life long Torry. Therefore our views have for the most part been the same, we both believe in social and fiscal conservatism, individual responsibility, anti globalism and limited government intervention.
However, lately it seems Canadian politics devolved from everyone respecting that people can cordially disagree to either you are one of us or one of them. This has kind of started entering our home. A little while ago mu wife and I had a huge fight/disagreement over climate change.
What we both agree on is that climate change is a political tool being used by the regressive left as a way to control the people. I believe that the majority of those on the left are misguided and ignorant but they have a right to their opinion as I have a right to mine. I believe that we can respectfully disagree with each other and we should all be free to live according to our conscience within the framework of the law, both God’s and Man’s. My wife believes that those in the left are completely wrong and she hates them with a passion. She is constantly bashing Justin Trudeau, the Green Party and Greta Thurnberg. In addition she gets upset at me for not wanting to jump on the hate train. Although I disagree with those on the left I don’t feel it is right to spew vitriol and hatred towards them. That type of behavior serves only to push people further away and make compromises impossible.
Our argument started when my wife saw on Twitter that Greta Thunberg was coming to Canada, she immediately jumped onto the “stay out of Alberta” bandwagon. I reminded her that she and her Twitter friend said were for lack of better words cyber bullying a minor child and as an adult more she should know better. Now because I did not want to join in and attack an ignorant child I am “against” her.
How do you guys reconcile your political differences?

Politically, my wife and I are at opposite ends on most political issues. We generally try to avoid conversations about politics. However, it does happen occasionally, and it rarely ends peacefully.

Our marriage almost ended several times during President Obama's administration, and a few more times during the current administration.

I am a right of center Moderate, she is farther left than anyone currently running for office.

The best thing I will say is to avoid it if possible.

Swan7 · Oct 19, 2019

@Palus Vandorn
My husband and I are pretty much on the same page when it comes to political messes... Not one is fit to be president. Christ is King anyway.
As for a Christian to get on a "hate train" is wrong. Period. We are in control of our behaviour, not the other way around and certainly should not allow any political garbage to cloud our relationship with God.

I suggest to keep your role as husband, head of the house and Christ being the head of all, with your actions to show and remind your wife who she is. A child of God.

HannahT · Nov 1, 2019

Palus Vandorn said:
Our argument started when my wife saw on Twitter that Greta Thunberg was coming to Canada, she immediately jumped onto the “stay out of Alberta” bandwagon. I reminded her that she and her Twitter friend said were for lack of better words cyber bullying a minor child and as an adult more she should know better. Now because I did not want to join in and attack an ignorant child I am “against” her.
How do you guys reconcile your political differences?

Your wife's response sadly is very common place today. I just can't wrap my mind around it either.

My parents were on opposite sides of political realm. Both were active as well. As a child it was interesting, because I could hear both sides of the issue. One thing I noticed is that both sides had their points, and some points didn't hold water. What I don't remember is them getting nasty, because they both agreed that was a line in the sand.

I don't know if you have any children or not, but learning to be cordial even under the worse of times is something that is very worthy in the eyes of a child. The H and I don't always agree either, but I don't believe in demonizing people for difference like politics. He won't demonize me either lol just to be clear!

I feel the media landscape, and the popularity of celebrities views tend to help people hate each other. They tend to present a very black and white stand towards things, and people get caught up in it. This narcissistic view towards the world that if you don't agree you must be my enemy mentality is very unhealthy.

I have a friend of mine that very much on the opposite side of the spectrum as far as politics go, and she is very dear to me. Sometimes I find when the waters calm, and you are in a good place in conversation, etc is the time to bring up boundaries that will help the relationship overall. Marriages have boundaries all the time regarding the opposite sex, money, etc. This should be another one of those in order to keep the respect level healthy. We have had one of those conversations, and its helped. She still (in my opinion) tends to go over the top at times, but doesn't return fire when my response isn't what she hoped. We treasure each other more than the political landscape. It should be that way in any relationship, but especially with marriage.

thecolorsblend · Nov 11, 2019

Palus Vandorn said:
I reminded her that she and her Twitter friend said were for lack of better words cyber bullying a minor child

Not to detract from the point. But I can never figure this out. It's not okay to criticize David Hogg because reasons. It's okay to bash Nicholas Sandmann though because other reasons. But also, don't insult Greta Thunberg because reasons.

Is it okay for grownups to criticize minors who have entered the public discourse (even if it's against their will)? Either it's okay for all of these minors or else it's okay for none of them.

To your point though, it sounds like you and your wife broadly agree on politics. It simply sounds like she's edgier than you are. Honestly, that's not worth fighting over. If your wife wants to post edgy stuff online, I guess all you can really do is say you disagree and set a positive example for her.

carp614 · Nov 13, 2019

Most of the time my experience has been that people who are energetically hateful about something have some unaddressed pain they are not able to deal with/articulate.
I humbly suggest that you pray that God would give you discernment, that you might gain insight into any pain that might be the source of her fury.

I have a similar, though maybe less energetic, situation with my wife. She is more supportive of Trump than I am. When we discuss politics, she tries to convince me, to the point of badgering a bit, that he has done a lot of good. Since I only agree with grave reservations about his character, she gets irritated with me.

From a spiritual leadership point of view this can be a difficult moment. I try to remember that I am a vessel for God's love and model that with my wife to the absolute best of my ability. If these discussions point to a deep hurt, I try to help her get to the bottom of it through scripture and prayer. It has taken time and practice to ensure that i'm not using scripture as a battering ram. One must trust the Holy Spirit to do His work and not try to force with your own power. A lot of practice. years of practice!

BryanJohnMaloney · Nov 13, 2019

Such things don't happen for us, fortunately. Now, my eldest stepdaughter and I are happy to light into each other. She's a Marxist. I'm a Libertarian. Love her dearly, I do. We both enjoy each other's company, including the arguments. I almost always end up giving her something to read, including writers on the left. Ah, youth.

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