Note: I'M NOT LOOKING FOR AN AFFAIR or attempting to justify one!!! Just saying that up front. But I'm in a strange situation right now and I'd love to hear some advice from fellow believers.
Some background first:
I've been married for 17 years, but 10 years in, my wife had a brief affair. She confessed it to me two years later, and it broke me. I spent two years in depression, attempting to fight to save our marriage, something she seemed to want as well. After two years, I discovered that she was having a second affair. That began before I learned about the first. These affairs were both mental and physical. I loved my wife wholeheartedly, but while I was desperate to save my marriage following the second affair, I admit that my love for her has greatly waned as a result. I was struggling with my faith at that point in my life, but I refused to give up on God, and I prayed for Him to save my marriage and help my wife and I to find love again. We found a new home church a year ago and my faith as greatly rebounded (thank the Lord), and while things on my wife's side seem okay now, lately I've been really struggling to find that love for her. I don't know that I ever felt it like I had prior to the affairs. It comes and goes, but it feels like it's been gone for a long while now. All that said, I continue to pray that God helps me love her like I did before.
Now, with all that in mind, let me remind you... I am not looking for another woman!
Okay, so I work as an evening custodian at an elementary school. There are often a plethora of pretty young teachers, and I tend to not have a problem ignoring that. I have pretty good control over wandering thoughts. My focus is on my marriage. But something strange happened about a year ago.
First, let me backtrack a second. I had a strong relationship with God in my teens, and I think I had a pretty good knack of recognizing His voice. And when I acted on that, it often worked out that His voice was correct. I lost that when I lost my faith, and I'm still trying to rediscover His voice again.
Okay, so back on track. I changed school buildings and met a whole slew of new teachers. Then I met a teacher who I will call Abbie (not her real name). She is a Godly single woman who has that Christian glow about her. A lot of the other male employees state that something radiates about her, but I think I'm the only one who recognizes it as Christ. I'll admit to being attracted to her, but as always, I can shut that out.
However, maybe a couple weeks into that school year, I saw her in her classroom, and I swear I heard that old voice that I used to recognize as God's. It simply said, "It'll be okay". I got the impression that something was going to happen, something in my marriage, and that it'll be okay because of "Abbie".
That hit me hard and I immediately rejected it as my own voice speaking out. As I said, I'm definitely attracted to the woman, though I kick those thoughts out asap. But that moment has stayed with me. I've gotten to know Abbie more over the year, simply as co-workers, and while we do not flirt in any way, I can't help but to feel closer to her. We talk about God, and as a defense mechanism, I constantly bring up my wife and kids. She shows no sign of interest on her side, which is good, but I keep feeling "wife" type of emotions toward her. It's extremely frustrating, and I keep praying for God to take that away. But lately, over the past two weeks or so, I feel that it's escalated. I'm praying hard core for that to leave, but it just won't. I don't and won't act on it, but it's dominant in my mind even when I'm not in her presence.
So here are my questions that maybe some of you guys can help me out with. I'm a newly returned Christian (though I never fully left, I just struggled to believe) and I'm struggling to understand this situation.
1) When a spouse has an affair, does the Bible demand divorce? I know God hates it, but was I wrong to work it out after two affairs? Is it possible that the spiritual breaking of our marriage as a result of infidelity has created a permanent spiritual separation, and that's why I struggle to love her? The affair is in my head every day and I do feel that it would almost be a relief to start over new with someone else, but I've already committed to a new future with my wife. I just don't know how to handle this. Should I have left three years ago?
2) If so, is it possible that God is somehow calling me to a new wife? I don't want to divorce my wife, but I also don't feel for her as I once did. Am I wrong to stay with her post-affair?
3) If neither of the above is true, have you heard of any situation where God provides premonitions (something I don't claim to have ever experienced) of preparing a new wife for a husband due to the upcoming passing of their current spouse. I don't want this to be true, but the possibility is locked in my head to the point where I'm just waiting for it to happen. I'd like to hear other people's thoughts on this, but I obviously can't bring it up with anyone I actually know.
4) If none of the above is true, do you feel this is more so the work of the enemy? I have not and will not act on my affection with this teacher or the leading I feel toward her. I know the damage an affair can do, and I love God too much to hurt Him like that. And I don't want to hurt my wife either. Despite what she's done, she's a fantastic person. I refuse to ever go down that path. Do you think this could simply be a test? I'm treating it like one, but it feels so genuine that I can't help but think that there's more to it.
Anyway, I'd just like some advice from my fellow believers. This whole matter has broken and confused me.
Thanks.
Some background first:
I've been married for 17 years, but 10 years in, my wife had a brief affair. She confessed it to me two years later, and it broke me. I spent two years in depression, attempting to fight to save our marriage, something she seemed to want as well. After two years, I discovered that she was having a second affair. That began before I learned about the first. These affairs were both mental and physical. I loved my wife wholeheartedly, but while I was desperate to save my marriage following the second affair, I admit that my love for her has greatly waned as a result. I was struggling with my faith at that point in my life, but I refused to give up on God, and I prayed for Him to save my marriage and help my wife and I to find love again. We found a new home church a year ago and my faith as greatly rebounded (thank the Lord), and while things on my wife's side seem okay now, lately I've been really struggling to find that love for her. I don't know that I ever felt it like I had prior to the affairs. It comes and goes, but it feels like it's been gone for a long while now. All that said, I continue to pray that God helps me love her like I did before.
Now, with all that in mind, let me remind you... I am not looking for another woman!
Okay, so I work as an evening custodian at an elementary school. There are often a plethora of pretty young teachers, and I tend to not have a problem ignoring that. I have pretty good control over wandering thoughts. My focus is on my marriage. But something strange happened about a year ago.
First, let me backtrack a second. I had a strong relationship with God in my teens, and I think I had a pretty good knack of recognizing His voice. And when I acted on that, it often worked out that His voice was correct. I lost that when I lost my faith, and I'm still trying to rediscover His voice again.
Okay, so back on track. I changed school buildings and met a whole slew of new teachers. Then I met a teacher who I will call Abbie (not her real name). She is a Godly single woman who has that Christian glow about her. A lot of the other male employees state that something radiates about her, but I think I'm the only one who recognizes it as Christ. I'll admit to being attracted to her, but as always, I can shut that out.
However, maybe a couple weeks into that school year, I saw her in her classroom, and I swear I heard that old voice that I used to recognize as God's. It simply said, "It'll be okay". I got the impression that something was going to happen, something in my marriage, and that it'll be okay because of "Abbie".
That hit me hard and I immediately rejected it as my own voice speaking out. As I said, I'm definitely attracted to the woman, though I kick those thoughts out asap. But that moment has stayed with me. I've gotten to know Abbie more over the year, simply as co-workers, and while we do not flirt in any way, I can't help but to feel closer to her. We talk about God, and as a defense mechanism, I constantly bring up my wife and kids. She shows no sign of interest on her side, which is good, but I keep feeling "wife" type of emotions toward her. It's extremely frustrating, and I keep praying for God to take that away. But lately, over the past two weeks or so, I feel that it's escalated. I'm praying hard core for that to leave, but it just won't. I don't and won't act on it, but it's dominant in my mind even when I'm not in her presence.
So here are my questions that maybe some of you guys can help me out with. I'm a newly returned Christian (though I never fully left, I just struggled to believe) and I'm struggling to understand this situation.
1) When a spouse has an affair, does the Bible demand divorce? I know God hates it, but was I wrong to work it out after two affairs? Is it possible that the spiritual breaking of our marriage as a result of infidelity has created a permanent spiritual separation, and that's why I struggle to love her? The affair is in my head every day and I do feel that it would almost be a relief to start over new with someone else, but I've already committed to a new future with my wife. I just don't know how to handle this. Should I have left three years ago?
2) If so, is it possible that God is somehow calling me to a new wife? I don't want to divorce my wife, but I also don't feel for her as I once did. Am I wrong to stay with her post-affair?
3) If neither of the above is true, have you heard of any situation where God provides premonitions (something I don't claim to have ever experienced) of preparing a new wife for a husband due to the upcoming passing of their current spouse. I don't want this to be true, but the possibility is locked in my head to the point where I'm just waiting for it to happen. I'd like to hear other people's thoughts on this, but I obviously can't bring it up with anyone I actually know.
4) If none of the above is true, do you feel this is more so the work of the enemy? I have not and will not act on my affection with this teacher or the leading I feel toward her. I know the damage an affair can do, and I love God too much to hurt Him like that. And I don't want to hurt my wife either. Despite what she's done, she's a fantastic person. I refuse to ever go down that path. Do you think this could simply be a test? I'm treating it like one, but it feels so genuine that I can't help but think that there's more to it.
Anyway, I'd just like some advice from my fellow believers. This whole matter has broken and confused me.
Thanks.
Last edited: