How Can I Win A Friend Back?

Aquatic Waves · Jul 15, 2019

Aldrin25 said:
It's ok...and it's ok for me, I've accepted it, The Lord provided me a lot of Christ Followers...true best friend. =)

Don't worry about your situation, everything will be fine, just continue to walk with the Lord =)

Thank you

ChicanaRose · Jul 15, 2019

Aquatic Waves said:
If you don't mind me asking. Has anything like this happened to you with losing a friend?

I have been on both ends of the dynamics. There was a friend who let me go many years ago and then there was a friend whom I had to let go in recent years. I don't think that the details are relevant here (and only leads to digression), as much as the point that I get that it's painful. However, I've learned and grown from my experience and have moved on. Just as a healthy body heals in time, so does a healthy heart. If your heart is not healthy, you need care, as you are already receiving through therapy.

I don't think that talking to your friend one more time can give you closure. Because what if her answer does not satisfy you? Then you would be left with wondering more and wanting more answers. It could be endless.

By finally ceasing to contact you altogether, she has already given you a closure. She is not going hot and cold; she is not playing the push and pull game; she is not sending you mixed messages.

And even if she was being intentionally untruthful back then, can you change her?

"Help me to accept the things I cannot change." This is part of the serenity prayer.

You can't change the other person or her response, or the lack thereof.

You can only change you. You are already doing the proactive thing by going to therapy. So just keep working on yourself, and God will bless you with a wonderful friendships in the future. You can hope and look forward to that.

bèlla · Jul 16, 2019

Aquatic Waves said:
Yes but I want to change our friend mother/daughter relationship to completely friendship

Our is the key in that statement. You have made your desires known but she gets a voice too. You can’t make decisions for her or strong arm anyone into friendship.

Funny that you brought that up b/c I actually do have some sort of OCD that's why I'm acting like this. It's difficult to control.

Your anxiety is stressful. She’s already under stress. Do you have friends with the same problem?

Your right. I don't want to become a stalker to her. But I just want to ask 1 thing which bothers me. If she can forgive other people who hurt her and was willing to talk to them again, why can't she do that to me????? I ask God that all the time

Do you hear yourself? Seriously. This is not healthy or normal. You are obsessed with her. Every retort returns to the same place. You don’t get to decide who she forgives or befriends. You need to get healthy and settled.

If she was upset she probably waited until she cooled down and had a moment to reflect. And in doing so she may have come to a different decision.

Look in the mirror. Look at all the energy and agony you’re investing in this. You’ve inquired about other experiences. But no one has behaved as you’ve done.

Whether we initiated the break or fell on the other side. We all moved on. As you must do. Right now, you're incapable of being the friend she needs because you aren’t well within yourself. And until that changes you will continue this pattern.

That’s what you need to seek from God. Not her. Ask Him to heal you and help you let go.

Aquatic Waves · Jul 16, 2019

Thank you all for your support and advice. I guess I DO have to move on

Aquatic Waves · Jul 16, 2019

ChicanaRose said:
I have been on both ends of the dynamics. There was a friend who let me go many years ago and then there was a friend whom I had to let go in recent years. I don't think that the details are relevant here (and only leads to digression), as much as the point that I get that it's painful. However, I've learned and grown from my experience and have moved on. Just as a healthy body heals in time, so does a healthy heart. If your heart is not healthy, you need care, as you are already receiving through therapy.

I don't think that talking to your friend one more time can give you closure. Because what if her answer does not satisfy you? Then you would be left with wondering more and wanting more answers. It could be endless.

By finally ceasing to contact you altogether, she has already given you a closure. She is not going hot and cold; she is not playing the push and pull game; she is not sending you mixed messages.

And even if she was being intentionally untruthful back then, can you change her?

"Help me to accept the things I cannot change." This is part of the serenity prayer.

You can't change the other person or her response, or the lack thereof.

You can only change you. You are already doing the proactive thing by going to therapy. So just keep working on yourself, and God will bless you with a wonderful friendships in the future. You can hope and look forward to that.

I'm sorry but I don't understand your quote about the healthy heart. Do you mean morally, physically, or both?

Aquatic Waves · Jul 16, 2019

LaBèlla said:
Our is the key in that statement. You have made your desires known but she gets a voice too. You can’t make decisions for her or strong arm anyone into friendship.

Your anxiety is stressful. She’s already under stress. Do you have friends with the same problem?

Do you hear yourself? Seriously. This is not healthy or normal. You are obsessed with her. Every retort returns to the same place. You don’t get to decide who she forgives or befriends. You need to get healthy and settled.

If she was upset she probably waited until she cooled down and had a moment to reflect. And in doing so she may have come to a different decision.

Look in the mirror. Look at all the energy and agony you’re investing in this. You’ve inquired about other experiences. But no one has behaved as you’ve done.

Whether we initiated the break or fell on the other side. We all moved on. As you must do. Right now, you're incapable of being the friend she needs because you aren’t well within yourself. And until that changes you will continue this pattern.

That’s what you need to seek from God. Not her. Ask Him to heal you and help you let go.

No I don't have any friends who suffer from anxiety unfortunately. I'm trying to find support groups irl of people who have anxiety but there aren't any in my town.

I know I'm dwelling on her. I just cant forgive myself for what I said to her. I guess this as a huge lesson I learned as I was told

ChicanaRose · Jul 16, 2019

Aquatic Waves said:
I'm sorry but I don't understand your quote about the healthy heart. Do you mean morally, physically, or both?

The non-physical heart. The one that feels emotions.

Aquatic Waves · Jul 16, 2019

ChicanaRose said:
The non-physical heart. The one that feels emotions.

That's what I thought you meant but I wasn't sure

grace4ever · Jul 17, 2019

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and concerns with us. It is understandable the way that you feel but sometimes friendships come and go. You say in your post that your friend is living tough moments for her husband cancer and her own sickness. I encourage you give her time, she is passing for a grief and she needs now time for her and her husband. I encourage you that you as her friend being understandable with her in these tough moments. Have you thought to buy a get well card saying that you feel sorry for all the grief that she has to live with her husband and her own sickness. And if someday she wants to speak with someone, that you are there for her. I hope this helps. Sending you hugs. I will keep you in my prayers my friend.

Aquatic Waves · Jul 17, 2019

grace4ever said:
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and concerns with us. It is understandable the way that you feel but sometimes friendships come and go. You say in your post that your friend is living tough moments for her husband cancer and her own sickness. I encourage you give her time, she is passing for a grief and she needs now time for her and her husband. I encourage you that you as her friend being understandable with her in these tough moments. Have you thought to buy a get well card saying that you feel sorry for all the grief that she has to live with her husband and her own sickness. And if someday she wants to speak with someone, that you are there for her. I hope this helps. Sending you hugs. I will keep you in my prayers my friend.

It's been 9 months. That is a long time already. I was thinking about sending her a letter along with a card but idk. I want to but then I don't. I don't want to seem like I'm stalking her. However, I miss her a lot and I blame myself everyday for what I said to her. I feel she and her family hate me. I'm stuck. Thank you for your support. Feel free to respond back when you can

ChicanaRose · Jul 18, 2019

Aquatic Waves said:
I just cant forgive myself for what I said to her. I guess this as a huge lesson I learned as I was told

God has forgiven you. God has the authority to absolve you of your sins; your old friend doesn't.
You are a clean slate. God does not hold a grudge.

I don't think you should send her a card. Because that would put you right back in the cycle of obsession: If she doesn't respond, you would be left wondering why. If she does respond just as a one time courtesy thing, you may end up wanting more. Don't put yourself back in the cycle. Leave her to God. If she is harboring unforgiveness in her heart, that's a problem between her and God. You are the forgiven and free one here. Free to pursue healthy friendships; free to receive God's blessings for your future.

Aquatic Waves · Jul 18, 2019

ChicanaRose said:
God has forgiven you. God has the authority to absolve you of your sins; your old friend doesn't.
You are a clean slate. God does not hold a grudge.

I don't think you should send her a card. Because that would put you right back in the cycle of obsession: If she doesn't respond, you would be left wondering why. If she does respond just as a one time courtesy thing, you may end up wanting more. Don't put yourself back in the cycle. Leave her to God. If she is harboring unforgiveness in her heart, that's a problem between her and God. You are the forgiven and free one here. Free to pursue healthy friendships; free to receive God's blessings for your future.

I asked my my therapist about the card and letter. She personally says it won't hurt to try as a last option. I'll let you know what I decide. I just wish my anxiety and depression didn't take me over. I have a lot of fears and sadness in my mind right now. Forgive me for all this venting. I just wish I had more people to talk to about this IRL. My therapist is the only one and I know she really does care for me b/c she got very emotional at my session the other day. I want to thank you all here for your support and prayers to me at this time. I appreciate it. But it is still difficult for me.

Aquatic Waves · Aug 1, 2019

I'm still dwelling this. FYI I didn't send her the letter yet. Idk even know if I will. I just hope she's ok and hope she forgave me. I'm still regretting of what I said to her

Aquatic Waves · Aug 3, 2019

Hi everyone. Just an update. I recently had a dream of my friend and we both made up. Does this mean something?

ChicanaRose · Aug 3, 2019

Aquatic Waves said:
Hi everyone. Just an update. I recently had a dream of my friend and we both made up. Does this mean something?

It means that is what you hope for. I would not take it as a sign to contact her. A sure sign would be if she initiated contact with you.

ChicanaRose · Aug 4, 2019

Aquatic Waves said:
I'm still dwelling this. FYI I didn't send her the letter yet. Idk even know if I will. I just hope she's ok and hope she forgave me. I'm still regretting of what I said to her

If you send a letter to her, would that give you closure? Would you then finally move on in peace? Or would you start obsessing over why she is not responding? Consider whether or not this would make it harder for you to let go, as this is the direction you should be moving in.

Also consider whether she would feel grateful, or bothered and pressured by your additional contact. I know you are concerned but I doubt she would receive it well given she has been refusing to reciprocate your reaching out to her. You've already apologized to her and don't need to keep doing it. You've done your part. Keep working on yourself and find a friend who reciprocates. Life is just way too short for chasing someone one-sidedly.

bmjackson · Aug 4, 2019

Hi @Aquatic Waves

It sounds to me that this loss has triggered some unresolved grief or trauma from your past and l suggest to you a book that l have found to be the best one l have seen regarding grief. It is called Grief Recovery Handbook byJohn W James and there is a website behind it. It contains excercises and journalling to do. I hope you find some relief and hope for your future.

Your behaviour sounds like it was abusive in the relationship and your ex friend no doubt needs zero contact to heal as well as coping with her sick husband. I would not attempt contact ATM.

Aquatic Waves · Aug 4, 2019

ChicanaRose said:
If you send a letter to her, would that give you closure? Would you then finally move on in peace? Or would you start obsessing over why she is not responding? Consider whether or not this would make it harder for you to let go, as this is the direction you should be moving in.

Also consider whether she would feel grateful, or bothered and pressured by your additional contact. I know you are concerned but I doubt she would receive it well given she has been refusing to reciprocate your reaching out to her. You've already apologized to her and don't need to keep doing it. You've done your part. Keep working on yourself and find a friend who reciprocates. Life is just way too short for chasing someone one-sidedly.

I understand. It's just still hard for me. Not easy for me to get new friends. There's no where to meet people in my neighborhood. It sucks

Daniel Marsh · Oct 8, 2019

Aquatic Waves said:
It's been 9 months that my friend hasn't contact me. There was a time several years ago we didn't talk for a year and that was mine own doing. I reached out to her and explained that I needed a break from her and I'm sorry that I didn't tell her from the start. We made up. Then a few years ago we got into an argument and ended up not talking for another year. This time it was both our faults. She said something to me that ticked me off and vice versa. But I was the better person by reaching out to her. Not only that but I was having a feeling that something was wrong at home with her. So I took a chance by texting her. She responded and sadly she told me her husband was diagnosed with lung cancer from smoking. She forgave me again. However back in October 2018, we argued again but now this was all my fault because of what I told her. She was mind blown of my words and felt betrayed. I apologized many times and was truly sincere about it. She last said to me "give me several days to calm down". Next thing I know, she didn't reply to my texts or answer my calls. At first I thought she got sick or something happened to her husband. But I found out from an acquaintance friend (who knows her too) that "she cannot talk to me now and doesn't know when she will accept my apology". I continued to call and text her still but no luck. I know I cannot force anyone to forgive me if that's how they feel. But she was part of my life. And I don't want to keep annoying her with the contacting. The thing that bothers me the most is that she's not letting me know if she's ok at least. She and her husband are sick so that worries me. I just hope 1 day she will indeed forgive me and if she still needs more time, I understand. But something tells me that she is truly done with me and it's all my fault. If anybody can give me advice or suggestions of how to win her back, please share.

We are praying for both of you. Text her that you want to buy her soul. I offered to buy a friends soul once but there were a few rules like attending a Methodist Church every week. After a year of attending Church she got saved and we are good friends again.

Also, check with Pastors in your area to see if there is a Medical Home Church there.

Aquatic Waves · Oct 16, 2019

Daniel Marsh said:
We are praying for both of you. Text her that you want to buy her soul. I offered to buy a friends soul once but there were a few rules like attending a Methodist Church every week. After a year of attending Church she got saved and we are good friends again.

Also, check with Pastors in your area to see if there is a Medical Home Church there.

Sorry for the late response. I came to realize that it's officially over between us. I did try calling and texting her 1 last time just recently but no luck. I have to accept this but it is really hard. I literally miss her so much. It's been over a year since we last spoke.

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